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Baby of 3 months and husband wants to leave as I'm not the same person

(126 Posts)
Busypeony Wed 27-Aug-14 03:38:28

Hi, I'm new to mumsnet so forgive me if acronyms not right.
I have been married for just over a year and have a DS of 3 months. My DH started a new job when our son was 1 month old and was working away a lot. This caused a lot if strain especially as DS had silent reflux and u wasn't getting any sleep. I also have a DD from previous relationship and DH had always taken her on as his own. He has been more and more detached from me and after me screaming to know what was going on (is he having an affair etc) he announced we were broken, couldn't be fixed and he was leaving. I've begged him to stay and go for counselling. Lots of my friends have told me he's emotionally abused me but I love him and want to make it work. I don't know what to do now it's all such a shock. I can't make him love me but how do I protect my children especially DD who worships him and do I have to let my baby go and stay with him? Feeling very alone and scared. Any help much appreciated

CleopatrasAsp Wed 27-Aug-14 03:48:43

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you are feeling so alone and scared. I'm not an expert on divorce and separation but having your DH working away when you had a newborn must have been so hard for you, especially as your baby had reflux. Bloody well done just for managing with that. I'm sorry to say this but it sounds to me like he may be having an affair. He seems to have detached from you completely and his job has given him the opportunity to do this. A loving man would be doing his best to support you not running off when things got a bit difficult. You say your friends think he has mentally abused you, what makes them say that? Is it just this episode or has he been cruel before?

Hairylegs47 Wed 27-Aug-14 03:57:48

Oh that's really sad and awful. Just when you need him too.

thanks

Right, it's early days as they say, he may be struggling to cope with it all - new job, new baby, new marriage too, so don't think it's all over yet. As the weeks go by, it may well be over or he may realise what he's giving up and return with a greater appreciation for his lovely wife and family. Here's hoping for you.

Regarding your baby, you don't have to let him stay with your DH, don't let your DH tell you otherwise. At this stage, it's mostly what you can agree to and what you are happy with. You hold all the cards really, he's the one whose lost the plot a lot. If he's NOT happy, don't cave into his demands if they aren't what YOU are happy with. He'll have to go down the legal route, which takes time and his money too. It seems very daunting, but it's not, the courts are pretty fair in my experience anyway. And in disputes, they do all they can to keep things 'nice' for everyone. How old is your DD? It maybe better to not tell her exactly the whole situation just yet, things may return to normal and she's been upset when she didn't need to be.

You are not alone at all, there are many on MN who've been where you are right now and have survived. Be easy on yourself and really try not to get all worked up about this. In a years time, this will just be a memory.

Busypeony Wed 27-Aug-14 04:04:23

He may be as his phone goes everywhere with him now and it now has a lock on it but he'd only been in the new job 8 weeks so hadn't had much time. He also spoke to me most evenings so not sure he had the time. I think he has just been plotting his exit. He's said some really cruel things to me (mainly since the baby) but he also has been avoiding me touching him. He's very moody and when we argue he often throws things and he has pushed me before and snatched DS out oft arms. He said I should have realised this was coming if I understood him and I did know I have been hard to deal with but I didn't see this. He said he 'never wanted any if this' and I think he means a mortgage and parental responsibility as for a long time he was living the single life but he embraced DD and he chose to have baby so his choice. He said he's been hanging on for a year but in that year I had a difficult pregnancy, was hysterical about DD starting to stay with her dad again as don't trust him, got diagnosed with depression and lost a close family member to cancer- not an ordinary year and a difficult first year of marriage. I think the baby weight is a problem to him as well but I'm doing ok with it and have just over a stone to go, he says he wouldn't be so shallow as to leave me over it but didn't say I looked ok either! We went away for a night for our anniversary and had such a good time but he said it was a one off and not real because we have kids. He won't go out with me on my own as often have money worries but sure we could do something. He's just switched off though and being the same with DD. Help!

Busypeony Wed 27-Aug-14 04:07:40

Thanks hairylegs47 for the advice. DD is 8 and sees her real dad every other weekend but DH is the only constant dad she's known. I hope it's just a crisis and I admit I wasn't the best wife when he started his new job but give me a break - just had a baby. Feel such a failure that I will have 2 kids and 2 diff dads and how will I cope

KoalaDownUnder Wed 27-Aug-14 04:23:07

Can't offer much advice but didn't want to read and run - please, please don't think you are a failure. HE has failed as a husband and a father. Seriously?! Who leaves a marriage after one year, with a 3-month-old baby involved?? Disgusting behaviour on his part. He is being weak and selfish. Please be kind to yourself. Someone will be along with more concrete advice soon. thanks

Hairylegs47 Wed 27-Aug-14 04:29:57

But you will cope Busy, you've two children to think of.
You're not a failure, seeing the best and hoping for good things in them isn't failure. It's just life sometimes.
I've 6 kids by 3 different men, according to the Daily Mail I - and my no doubt ferrel offspring - am destroying the very fabric of UK society. Glad to debunk that little myth smile I'm in the Middle East!
Your DH sounds like my very XH just 13 months after our wedding, it was an awful time. We patched things up - I think the lady he had his eye on gave him the flick, but he didn't know that I knew - and we stayed married for another 2 years before I had enough of him and his daft demands. But I spent most of that 2 years trying to keep the marriage afloat, he just got more nasty and demanding. My kids suffered so much, I shudder now looking back just how placating I'd become just to keep the marriage going. In reality, it wasn't a marriage at all.

Busybee43 Wed 27-Aug-14 04:38:50

Thanks hairylegs. Just don't understand how he could have changed so much from the kind man (who took on my child) to be like this. I know I'm partly to blame as have been demanding and screechy as he won't talk to me. I also realise I'm not the same person at the moment as he met as obv in mat leave and not independent but I can't change that right now but wish he could see it will change. I feel like I've pushed the love if my life away by being demanding and not communicating well but on the other hand how can he throw in the towel now?

Jengnr Wed 27-Aug-14 06:31:46

He isn't the love of your life. He is a prick.

Honestly, let him go. You'll be much happier for it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 27-Aug-14 07:19:27

I'm sorry you're upset. However, he is very aggressive if he is arguing, throwing things, pushing you around and grabbing the baby out of your arms. That is not acceptable behaviour no matter how many broken nights have happened. You are not to blame if someone chooses to treat you with that kind of violence. Your friend who said it was emotional abuse sounds like they have picked up on something they've seen or that you've told them that has made them very concerned indeed. Friends are usually reluctant to say anything - they must be worried about you.

It is very common for cowardly people to create aggravation and conflict in a relationship deliberately so that they can point to it and say 'this isn't working'. They don't want to be happy because they need the justification to move on to someone or something new. That wouldn't be your fault either so please don't think you have pushed him away.

I suggest that if he wants to go, you let him go. Get your friends and family around you, look after yourself, do some thinking and talk to others about the reality of this short marriage and what's actually been going on.

Busybee43 Wed 27-Aug-14 07:37:03

I didn't want to say 'just go' as I wanted my children to know that I'd tried but I won't beg him to stay again as he should stay because he wants to. It's been awful watching himself from DD, who just wants a hug. I kept on about wanting a child together and he conceeded but it was his decision too so I'm not going to take the blame for that from him. He looks as if he has the weight of the world on his shoulders and I think he just doesn't want all the responsibility, to go away and then come home to a knackered wife in a tracksuit. But, love and commitment should why you through. I'm so confused.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 27-Aug-14 07:45:40

When someone has decided they have no love or respect for you, no amount of 'trying' on your part will fix it. He is choosing this path for his own reasons and I think he is not being honest about what those reasons are, unfortunately. That's why you're confused. If he doesn't like responsibility.... as my friend would say... 'boo fucking hoo'. He's a grown-up, working, married with two children and responsibility rather comes with the territory. Few people walk out on a marriage just because they're stressed.

This is a distressing situation but, if you want to retain your self-respect, 'just go' is unfortunately what you have to say.

Lweji Wed 27-Aug-14 07:59:57

I think your friends are right, and it doesn't look particularly good for an affair either.

You do need to let him go. And, sadly, soften the blow for your DD. But you don't want her to witness a relationship where her mother is treated like this. This is how you protect her.

Lweji Wed 27-Aug-14 08:01:38

Do you think he will actually go?

Sometimes people threaten to leave just so that they are not questioned about their behaviour and can continue as they are.

Busybee43 Wed 27-Aug-14 08:08:28

It all got worse when we went on holiday recently and we'd looked into our finances and I think he sees me as a parasite, even though I've always worked PT. He couldn't take it not being a 'holiday' as he knew it as we had a young baby. He was distanced and I kept trying to get him to interact and would end up screaming and crying as he'd ignore me. I've just pushed him too far with being demanding

Lweji Wed 27-Aug-14 08:17:52

I've just pushed him too far with being demanding

Why would you think that?

You are not a parasite, btw, even if you didn't work PT. How much would child care cost? And who does housework?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 27-Aug-14 08:27:13

I'm sorry your self-esteem is so low that you're talking about yourself in terms like 'parasite' and pushing him too far. As for 'demanding' I'm trying to imagine what kind of man goes on holiday with their beautiful new baby and the rest of the family, refuses to join in and then declares he's having a bad time because it doesn't fit his definition of a holiday... hmm Answer... a very selfish, miserable, man that has already got one foot out of the door. BTW. Most decent men in that situation would be proud as peacocks, parading up and down with the pushchair, showing off their lovely new son and basking in all the nice comments.

As I say, I'm sorry that your self-esteem is so down and I suspect the reason it's on the floor is because your friend's right... he's bullied all the confidence out of you.

Busybee43 Wed 27-Aug-14 23:01:52

We went to the counsellor tonight and he told her he was there to end the relationship amicably. He said he married me because he felt it was the right thing to do. He said he should have left 2 years ago when he has a wobble then. He said DD has a father and she will be fine even though DH is actually the only father he's really known. The counsellor asked him I'd there was someone else and he said no. I asked him to at least try for the sake of DS. He said he'll think about it and let me know tomorrow. He's offered to stay around to help with DS. He won't accept the difficulties we've been through are what caused arguments

clam Wed 27-Aug-14 23:19:18

What a complete and utter bastard.

So sad for you.
flowers

Anotherchapter Wed 27-Aug-14 23:28:57

Regardless if he is having an affair he sounds like a right dick head. On that alone I'd tell him to sling it!

You have had a really shitty year and instead of helping you through it he is being a cunt.

Right now you will be in panic mode. Been there. Survived it. Raised my amazing beautiful dd1 by myself. She was 19 yesterday.

You don't want this aggressive man around your kids, they and you are worth so much more. Let him leave, you can't make some one stay and TBH your well rid!

Be kind to yourself and your children and get yourself sorted. You don't need him.

Busybee43 Wed 27-Aug-14 23:40:55

Thank you for your comments. I've been there done it once but at least DD was 2 then and not 3 months like DS is. He just thinks I'll meet someone else and be ok - I don't want to and when will I have time. I used to have my own lovely house, garden and car and I can't afford any of that now. Been totally screwed and he doesn't care where his DS lives. I want him to give stuff a go and try but also don't want to waste my time. I can't face doing all the same thing again :-(

shitatusernames Wed 27-Aug-14 23:57:54

Good god you poor thing, sounds like you are looking after 3 children not 2, my youngest is 8 weeks old, and it's been bloody hard work, why is he not supporting you? At the time you need him the most he's not there.

I won't tell you to ltb because it's not that easy, but it really does sound you like you are on your own alot anyway, and yes it does like someone else could be involved, my husband has been amazing, I've been a complete and utter bitch at times due to tiredness etc but not once has he become detached from me, we made these children together and so did you and your husband, sounds like he's not that bothered sad

shitatusernames Wed 27-Aug-14 23:58:29

Sorry typing one handed as baby is asleep on me x

King1982 Thu 28-Aug-14 00:20:49

Hi, OP. I hope you are ok.
I think the general advice given on here, is that if you are not happy with a relationship then you should leave. Basing my views on this, I think that if your DH post on here, he would mainly be advised to leave the relationship.
I think you have to accept if he wants this if he isn't happy. It will be what is best for you, your DD, your husband and your DC. A one sided or unhappy relationship really isn't healthy and will be more damaging to all concerned in the long run.
It won't be easy but good luck and be good to yourself

Busybee43 Thu 28-Aug-14 00:42:56

What I wish he'd see is that he's basing his decision on arguments we've had in the last few weeks and the projecting it back into the last 2 years. Instead of seeing that hormones were involved and sleep deprivation which won't always be around. He wants me to raise DS and go to work and when DS is old enough have him to stay. He just expects me to cope. I feel very alone and very ashamed of any past behaviour that might have caused him to leave me and not sure I'll very forgive myself for that

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