Hey..
Just a quick update:
- H woke up this morning like nothing has happened 'Morning darling', kiss on cheek etc etc..
- FIL called about 10am, and wanted to talk to me. It started off as 'H told me you didn't go on holiday but came back'. So I told him everything. What H said to me, how he threatened me, how scared I was, and all H said to me last night. FIL was SHOCKED. He has offered me his unconditional support (which in turn has shocked me). He's said if I feel threatened again, to either try and send H to him or to call the Police.
- I also spoke to DM. She wasn't surprised, though she said that couples argue, and I should try and be patient with H. She says H is a good man (which I agree with, and always have), but has 'lost his way a little'. She seems to think we can work it out. But she also said if he threatened me again, to call the Police.
- I made an emergency appointment with GP re constant nagging in relation to kids routine, and she seems to think I have residual pnd, or PTSD. She said she will refer me initially rather than medicate me straight away, which I'm happy with.
- I spoke to solicitor friend, who said if I am serious about separating, to keep a log of what H says to me, and to get my financial affairs in order.
- H arrived home with my favourite sushi box, again acting like nothing has happened. He is sat next to me on the sofa now watching some comedy programme and chuckling away. Its as if the last few days have not happened.
For all the posters who think I have 'broken' H-he has never really specifically said he is unhappy to me. He talked about divorce 3 years ago NOT (I repeat NOT NOT NOT) because I was nagging at him, but because he thought I was flirting with another man. He only later told me about the reason. At the time, one day he just blew up because I told him to put dd1's coat on when he was going to the playground. I didn't know what the fuck happened, but he just suddenly shouted he wanted a divorce. He apologised later the same day. He told me the reason for it late in 2012 (the fight happened sept 2011). He is generally very normal-goes about his day happy (which is why I said he was a very good husband and father, as he doesn't display anything out of the ordinary). Every so often something small will happen, and he will show a completely disproportionate response. All I asked him to do, was rather than internalise everything, if he shared a little more of himself then he wouldn't feel like he was going to blow Before this one incident, though we had fights, he was never threatening or offensive.
With regards to H personally, he works 9-8 (he actually finished work at 6, but has to submit his hours for the day, and with the commute arrives home 7.30-8 max. he goes to the gym in the morning, most mornings. He goes cycling every weekend with a club. He also has a very specific hobby (which I can't mention as will out) which he attends once every 3 months. He has client dinners maybe once every 2 weeks. I don't chain him up at home. He essentially comes and goes as he pleases. He used to go to football 10PM-MIDNIGHT so would get home 12.30am-1am and go crashing around waking us all up. THAT'S why I asked him if he could find a group that played at a more reasonable fucking time. I didn't want to imprison him at home.
With regards to working H and I MUTUALLY agreed at the beginning that I would stay at home. Yes we have argued about who was the main SAHP after dd1 turned 1, but financially he EARNS ALMOST TWICE WHAT I WOULD. I then fell pregnant with dd2, and he's never mentioned that he wants to be a sahd, or that he is struggling at work. I personally have been living off my savings for the past 3.5 years. H has has not contributed ONE PENNY towards my clothing, car, insurance, tax and professional memberships (which are about £2000 per year alone), not to mention all the clothing and treats for the kids. So I DO contribute, and may as well be working.
With regards to the help-ffs, get over the fact that I have help!! This is a lasting issue with some posters. Other people have their parents on hand to help, we are NOT that lucky. I will not be made to feel guilty about using something that though isn't solving all our problems, is at least lightening the load. We are not extravagant, but H budgets for it. IF H WAS STRUGGLING TO FIND THE MONEY FOR HER, HE WOULD LET HER GO. Simple as. I fucking wish I never mentioned the help!
Yes, I'm shrill and naggy. BUT, I'm also loving, and kind and loyal. I've identified that I have problems. I am not perfect, but surely I deserve the same back?
I still don't know how to proceed. I'm thinking of waiting a few more days and trying to engage with H again. What do you all think? I didn't call women's aid today. I bottled it, I'm so sorry. Please don't be disappointed. I think I still need some time to come to terms with it. I have removed my wedding ring. I don't think H has noticed.
Sorry about the essay. Hope you are well. Thanks for those who sent me private messages. Your support over the past few days has been invaluable. I will try and reply back to you personally at some point, apologies if it takes a few days.
xx