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Update

(96 Posts)
Alwaysalone Tue 26-Aug-14 21:20:10

Hey..

Just a quick update:

1) H woke up this morning like nothing has happened 'Morning darling', kiss on cheek etc etc..
2) FIL called about 10am, and wanted to talk to me. It started off as 'H told me you didn't go on holiday but came back'. So I told him everything. What H said to me, how he threatened me, how scared I was, and all H said to me last night. FIL was SHOCKED. He has offered me his unconditional support (which in turn has shocked me). He's said if I feel threatened again, to either try and send H to him or to call the Police.
3) I also spoke to DM. She wasn't surprised, though she said that couples argue, and I should try and be patient with H. She says H is a good man (which I agree with, and always have), but has 'lost his way a little'. She seems to think we can work it out. But she also said if he threatened me again, to call the Police.
4) I made an emergency appointment with GP re constant nagging in relation to kids routine, and she seems to think I have residual pnd, or PTSD. She said she will refer me initially rather than medicate me straight away, which I'm happy with.
5) I spoke to solicitor friend, who said if I am serious about separating, to keep a log of what H says to me, and to get my financial affairs in order.
6) H arrived home with my favourite sushi box, again acting like nothing has happened. He is sat next to me on the sofa now watching some comedy programme and chuckling away. Its as if the last few days have not happened.

For all the posters who think I have 'broken' H-he has never really specifically said he is unhappy to me. He talked about divorce 3 years ago NOT (I repeat NOT NOT NOT) because I was nagging at him, but because he thought I was flirting with another man. He only later told me about the reason. At the time, one day he just blew up because I told him to put dd1's coat on when he was going to the playground. I didn't know what the fuck happened, but he just suddenly shouted he wanted a divorce. He apologised later the same day. He told me the reason for it late in 2012 (the fight happened sept 2011). He is generally very normal-goes about his day happy (which is why I said he was a very good husband and father, as he doesn't display anything out of the ordinary). Every so often something small will happen, and he will show a completely disproportionate response. All I asked him to do, was rather than internalise everything, if he shared a little more of himself then he wouldn't feel like he was going to blow Before this one incident, though we had fights, he was never threatening or offensive.

With regards to H personally, he works 9-8 (he actually finished work at 6, but has to submit his hours for the day, and with the commute arrives home 7.30-8 max. he goes to the gym in the morning, most mornings. He goes cycling every weekend with a club. He also has a very specific hobby (which I can't mention as will out) which he attends once every 3 months. He has client dinners maybe once every 2 weeks. I don't chain him up at home. He essentially comes and goes as he pleases. He used to go to football 10PM-MIDNIGHT so would get home 12.30am-1am and go crashing around waking us all up. THAT'S why I asked him if he could find a group that played at a more reasonable fucking time. I didn't want to imprison him at home.

With regards to working H and I MUTUALLY agreed at the beginning that I would stay at home. Yes we have argued about who was the main SAHP after dd1 turned 1, but financially he EARNS ALMOST TWICE WHAT I WOULD. I then fell pregnant with dd2, and he's never mentioned that he wants to be a sahd, or that he is struggling at work. I personally have been living off my savings for the past 3.5 years. H has has not contributed ONE PENNY towards my clothing, car, insurance, tax and professional memberships (which are about £2000 per year alone), not to mention all the clothing and treats for the kids. So I DO contribute, and may as well be working.

With regards to the help-ffs, get over the fact that I have help!! This is a lasting issue with some posters. Other people have their parents on hand to help, we are NOT that lucky. I will not be made to feel guilty about using something that though isn't solving all our problems, is at least lightening the load. We are not extravagant, but H budgets for it. IF H WAS STRUGGLING TO FIND THE MONEY FOR HER, HE WOULD LET HER GO. Simple as. I fucking wish I never mentioned the help!

Yes, I'm shrill and naggy. BUT, I'm also loving, and kind and loyal. I've identified that I have problems. I am not perfect, but surely I deserve the same back?

I still don't know how to proceed. I'm thinking of waiting a few more days and trying to engage with H again. What do you all think? I didn't call women's aid today. I bottled it, I'm so sorry. Please don't be disappointed. I think I still need some time to come to terms with it. I have removed my wedding ring. I don't think H has noticed.

Sorry about the essay. Hope you are well. Thanks for those who sent me private messages. Your support over the past few days has been invaluable. I will try and reply back to you personally at some point, apologies if it takes a few days.

xx

Alwaysalone Tue 26-Aug-14 21:21:12

Sorry, should have realised the title to this thread is absolutely shit. H was sitting next to me, so thought I'd make it vague, then come back to it!

Alwaysalone Tue 26-Aug-14 21:25:09

Can you all tell I'm feeling angry today?! I have so much rage I don't know what to do with it... I'm just so disappointed in H. On the other hand, as awful as it sounds, some of the love I feel for him has gone, which's only a good thing I guess (if we are to separate).

LumpySpacedPrincess Tue 26-Aug-14 21:29:32

Have you asked him what the hell has been going on for the last couple of days? Obviously only if you feel safe to do so. In any normal relationship, after the shit storm that's been going on for the last couple of days there would be discussion.

If not then why not. Why can't you just ask him what the hell is going on.

Alwaysalone Tue 26-Aug-14 21:32:17

Lumpy, it sounds weird, but I'm too scared to ask him. As eery as his behaviour is, I don't want to rock the boat at the moment. I thought I'd leave it a few more days. I feel I just don't know hm anymore, can't read him.

LumpySpacedPrincess Tue 26-Aug-14 21:39:29

There is no place for fear in a healthy relationship. It's just not normal always it really isn't.

I take it he hasn't apologised for his violent threats in front of your daughters or his 3 days of silence?

FinnsMum19 Tue 26-Aug-14 21:40:04

I take back my comments in the original thread, I don't think this is all on you at all. Well done on seeking help for your own issues, I hope everything works out for you.

Is your Oh not big on apologies? Is him bringing you a sushi box home his way of saying sorry? Are you drawing a line under it now and going forward, or do you expect more from him?

anonacfr Tue 26-Aug-14 21:40:57

Glad you're feeling angry! Sad to read that you're feeling scared around him.

Unless you have a serious talk and address what he said to you yesterday/two days ago you are stuck in a situation where he will act all normal and fine.... Until next time.
And it will be your fault for nagging/being unreasonable etc. Again.

From what you've posted so far he has basically told you that all the problems in your relationship and all his outbursts and threat of physical violence are because you push him to it. He has taken no responsibility at all but instead has actually told you that he would likely threaten you again in the future. In front if your kids if they happen to be around.

Even his dad is shocked. Wow.

LumpySpacedPrincess Tue 26-Aug-14 21:47:36

I'm assuming you have had previous relationships so you will know what a healthy relationship is. That's what you need to keep in mind, a healthy relationship without fear where everyone can speak their mind and problems are discussed and overcome.

Perplexedaschips Tue 26-Aug-14 21:50:23

Hi Always thanks for the comprehensive update.
I think he won't take the lead here at all. He is hoping everything will go back to normal.

Does he know you told his dad everything and was he angry if he knows?

It's all very odd now because there is this huge chasm between you .... And he is not engaging. Has he always been like this or were you emotionally close at one time?

Badvoc123 Tue 26-Aug-14 21:59:07

Add message | Report | Message poster LumpySpacedPrincess Tue 26-Aug-14 21:39:29
There is no place for fear in a healthy relationship. It's just not normal always it really isn't.

I take it he hasn't apologised for his violent threats in front of your daughters or his 3 days of silence?

^ just this.

Alwaysalone Tue 26-Aug-14 22:12:58

No apology..no word on what we discussed yesterday.

At one time we were really close. Before the kids. But he's never been a caring and sharing type person. I've never seen him cry. It just feels like they were 2 different people though, and we are now another couple.

I'm confused how to feel tbh. It would be so easy to slip back into our routine. Just keep seeing his face screaming at me to stfu though sad

CharlotteCollins Tue 26-Aug-14 22:17:10

<waves pompoms>

Go, Always! I think it's great that you're feeling angry. That's a very healthy reaction. You are sounding strong and assertive - hence my little cheerleading moment! I apologise if it sounds inappropriate given the seriousness of all this.

I agree with you that it's best not to rock the boat at the moment. Yes, a lot needs to change if there's to be a future, but you've made your points clearly and he heard. The ball's in his court now. There is no more you can reasonably do.

Great to hear you've been getting good advice and support, including from unexpected quarters! Don't be afraid to listen to your own thoughts as well as the advice of others.

CharlotteCollins Tue 26-Aug-14 22:17:54

Oops, x-post.

CromerSutra Tue 26-Aug-14 22:21:42

Thanks for the update Always, I've been thinking of you and sending virtual strength and hugs. Bloody well done for telling his dad and your mum, that was a brave thing to do and really sensible of you.

Take care, keep posting x

Alwaysalone Tue 26-Aug-14 22:22:40

Thanks charlotte, I don't feel the anger is empowering me though. It feels an impotent type of anger. I wish it would give me more focus..

X

Perplexedaschips Tue 26-Aug-14 22:24:44

Don't let it slip back into routine.
Unfortunately he threatened you with violence , to your face. It may have been an empty threat we don't know... But he hasn't reassured you that it was an empty threat has he?

I am trying to think of the most angry and full of hate and out of control I have ever felt... Oh yes when I had PTSD and couldn't keep the lid on my feelings very well. I blamed dh ( he was to blame) .Who was unsupportive and unrepentant . I did not threaten him with any violence. I was still ' me ' with the same values.

People may have spoken to him like that when he was young?

Does he know his father rang you etc?

Alwaysalone Tue 26-Aug-14 22:24:50

Thanks cromer .. Actually updating was first on my list.

I will definitely speak to WA tomorrow.

When does the anger go? How can we fix things if he doesn't think they're broken?

CharlotteCollins Tue 26-Aug-14 22:25:53

No, I'm sure you don't. You've been on my mind, so I was pleased to see you back and giving your critics what for. Twas a bit insensitive, though.

You'll be a mass of emotions and still in shock, too. Give yourself time. Go with the sushi and all that - play along, but keep thinking.

Alwaysalone Tue 26-Aug-14 22:27:43

No he doesn't know. FIL said he won't say anything to h, I believe him. FIL, though supportive, blamed MIL for H's troubles. I don't know how she's responsible. I did gently tell him that actually they were both to blame, but I don't know how much sunk in. I am grateful for his support though.

LatteLoverLovesLattes Tue 26-Aug-14 22:30:51

Do you have any friends who know both of you that you could talk to? Someone who can be honest with you?

Alwaysalone Tue 26-Aug-14 22:31:29

I don't mind people criticising me. Actually, if they hadn't been critical, I wouldn't have seen my GP. It is really hard to remember to write every single detail in posts, so I can also see why some thought I was drip feeding.

It was the constant need to badger for needing help at home that upset me the most. But anyway, the fact that people have taken the time to write and offer advice is what's important...

Alwaysalone Tue 26-Aug-14 22:32:45

Latte, yes I do. I'm just so embarrassed about saying though. Everyone thinks h and I are so happy. Heck, even I did.

LatteLoverLovesLattes Tue 26-Aug-14 22:34:36

Maybe it would be good for him to know his father knows... he might have to start facing up to things?

LatteLoverLovesLattes Tue 26-Aug-14 22:37:21

I know it's embarassing, but people are more understanding than you think and not always as surprised.

I think it would be good to get a more impartial outsiders view/help. His Dad, your Mum - both too involved. As much as we can try to help you, someone who knows you but would be honest will be able to help you more. Not someone who will just 'take your side' though, you need someone impartial to really help you decide what to do here.

Unless that is, you know what you want to do, but are just too scared to do it?

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