Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
New Relationship advice(67 Posts)
It's been years since I have been active on this site. I found it invaluable when my children were small, and again when I was going through my divorce.
So, forward about 5 years and you guys were the first place I thought of when I needed some new relationship advice.
Ok, some background - I am a divorced single parent of 5 children, aged 19, 16, 13, 12 and 11. I have been happily single, occasionally dating for the past 6 years.
I work as an escort. If this is an issue for people, or if you don't want to talk to me, please just say so kindly as I don't wish to offend or upset. I am a nice person, a good mum and friend
Six months ago a client came to see me, a professional gentleman in his late 40's (a few years older than me) and we hit it off straight away.
A few appointments with me later and I found myself really attracted to this guy both emotionally and physically.
One evening a week later he texted me out of the blue to say he had missed seeing me but didn't want to book me, and would I consider allowing him to take me out instead. The answer to that would be an absolute no on every other occasion, but I really liked him.
3 months later and lots more dates, dog walks and nights in with a takeaway, we tentively discussed a relationship. We have now been together properly (but taking things very slowly) for nearly 3 months.
I told him at the beginning that I enjoy my job and it provides a very good income for my children and I, and that there would be no chance of me retiring at this point in time. We have drawn up some boundaries regarding my clients, and have changed the services I offer to draw a between work and our relationship. I don't discuss my work unless he asks me, and he decides how much he wants to know. He has, so far coped really well.
Here is where I need advice . . .
He has admitted to me that he has used escorts almost all his adult life, even while he was married, then when in a long term relationship since. He says he finds the urge to visit them overwhelming. He has never formed any relationships with any of them, usually seeing each one only once or twice.
I don't actually have a problem with him visiting them as long as he tells me, (I was previously in an open relationship for a while and it suited us both) but Im not sure he would.
In your opinion ladies (and gentlemen if you wish) is this relationship a non starter?
Hi everyone <<<waves>>>
For anyone who is interested and would like an update . . .
Wind forward 2 months - OMG this guy is moody! The slightest little glitch in his life ( an email he didn't want from his ex, the hedge cutter broke while he was using it, the most minor of bumps in his car) and he stops contact with me for days. If I text him I get the briefest of replies.
Once he's over it he's full of apologies and says he will try and be different next time something happens, he will deal with it better blah blah.
It wasn't a huge deal for me, I just left him to it. Sometimes it was actually a nice break from his many texts and calls throughout the day.
Then a month ago he went completely nc for no apparent reason. We were texting normally one evening , he rang to say goodnight. In the morning I texted good morning and he didn't reply. I left him to it for 5 days and then texted a very light hearted text.
He replied with a lovely long email, saying that he had behaved dreadfully, he was a total mess, wasn't ready for a relationship, too much crap from the past still in his head, he needed to concentrate on work and his own needs etc.
He went on to say that I had been more patient with him, and given him way more chances than he deserved. He said he already regretted ruining one of the best friendships he had ever had (we were great friends with all the same interests and a lot of laughter)
I replied with a brief but warm message wishing him all the best.
I was disappointed and a little upset, but thanks to all the advice from you wonderful wise MN ladies, I wasn't heartbroken as I had always had your advice in the back of my mind.
I deleted his number and forced myself to limit the time I thought about him.
Then a week ago, a text out of the blue 'how's your day going?' Then more texts in the following days, ' fancy a coffee?', 'im taking dogs to park, will be there in 20 if you fancy it?'
Each time I replied with a friendly 'no thank you' or 'another time perhaps, im working at mo'
Yesterday he turned up at my door just as I was leaving to walk my dogs ( he knows its the same time every day, so not a coincidence) and asked if he could walk with us.
We had a lovely walk for over an hour and it wasn't strained or awkward at all.
He told me he had really missed me, asked about what was going on with me and my children and it was like old times.
He came back to mine, had a coffee and gave me a hug and said that he was really sorry for how he had behaved. I told him it was all water under the bridge now and that I would be happy to walk the dogs with him occasionally and keep in touch, but that was all. He said he was saddened to hear that, but knew it was more than he deserved after how he had treated me.
As he was leaving he mentioned that he now had whatsapp on his phone and to message him anytime. I remarked that I had been asking him to start using it for months. His reply . . . . . .
" oh well, I joined POF and it seemed everyone on there used it"
So, yes it seemed you ladies were right - leopard, spots etc. What a complete knob!
He's a Big Boy, he'll get over it.
I don't think it will do him any harm at all for him to twig you are not falling for his pretty words, just because he says so. Actions, m'dear, maketh the man.
Don't show him this thread, if you had a mind to.
He's just texted to say he's gonna nip in on his way home for a cuppa. But I'm in a mood with him now, purely because of posting on here lmao He's gonna arrive wondering what's wrong with my face. Oh dear
He likes to cheat. His past record of doing on two separate women (that you know of) tells you that. He feels "guilty" enough about doing it to one of them, he does it again
Jem, I am sure you have come across men who have a compulsion (I refuse to use the word addiction) to cheating, whether with prostitutes, one night stands or some woman from work. I think this bloke is signalling loud and clear that he is just such a man.
You giving him "permission" to play away (as long as he tells you) is probably spoiling his fun somewhat.
Cabrinha I actually don't think there is any excuse for having sex outside of an exclusive relationship. So you are right, my point about his gf isn't relevant.
Thank you Folkgirl I do feel I want to give him the benefit of the doubt til he gives me reason not to.
Also I know that I'm able to detach myself easily enough if the worst does happen.
Do you really, honestly, think that someone treating you badly is an excuse to have sex with a prostitute when you are with them?
My ex treated my abysmally with his cheating. I went a long time without sex as a result. I could have had sex. For free. I work abroad - I've had plenty of bored business men in same hotel "looks". Did I do it? No. Because I am fundamentally a good and honest, decent person. He is not.
The thing is, Jem, you clearly feel that you can trust him. I assume you feel you can because you wouldn't even be considering him otherwise.
Maybe you're different enough from his exes for him to be loyal to, and honest with, you. And maybe you're right. He's not someone I'd consider for a second, but then different strokes and all that.
Just take care of yourself and your emotions, that's all.
Folkgirl I really don't think it's a case of I don't think I deserve more. I wasn't looking for anything in the first place. He just came along and I liked him, enjoyed his company and attention.
If it all goes tits up, I might chose someone of better moral standing or another dodgy guy. Who knows?
It's what appeals to me at the time.
You made a good point about what might happen if I upset him though, as so many of my clients justify a visit to me with something their partner has done to displease them.
It seems not from the opinions of the ladies on here. As I said in an earlier post, I thought it might be different between us as I have given him permission to go play if he wishes.
A big part of the problem here is that I almost always see the best in people.
At least now though I feel i'm going into this with my eyes wide open.
What happens though, Jem when you annoy or displease him? what will his justification be next time? He didn't feel badly enough about doing it to his wife to not do it to his girlfriend. His default is to cheat.
I admire your great faith in someone who have proved themselves to be such an appalling low life, I really wish you could pass some of that on to me But really, there's a touch of the "la, la, la, I can't hear you"s about this.
Surely you and your son deserve better than the sort of man who cheats on his wife and girlfriends with prostitutes (I realise how that must sound, but as I said in my first post, I'm talking to you as a woman who is considering a relationship with a man she knows regards women in this way, who will lie and cheat and nothing else). For most women, this would be a red flag if not a deal breaker. Why do you not think you are worth more?
There is quite a lot of stuff you would have to overlook and get past here, isn't there.
Do you think someone with his track record is a safe bet ?
That is true, however he is deeply sorry and still horribly guilty over what he did to his wife.
The girlfriend in his ltr treated him abominably ( by her admission - I have the email in which she admitted as much) Not that that justifies the cheating of course.
Well, if he lied, disrespected and cheated on previous partners and seems pretty unconvincing that he has had a complete personality transplant in the meantime, that drastically reduces the chances of it working out in my opinion.
I didn't say he was different AnyFucker. I asked for opinions as to whether we could make it work or not
Oh, for an edit button...
I am in absolutely no doubt that they 9my clients) are cheating, selfish, disrespecting liars
But my boyfriend is different
Really ? You can't see the dixconnect there ?
It didn't Cabrinha I am open to all opinions and offers of advice.
I hope my post didn't come across as me wanting you to feel bad! God know. Honestly, I don't like what you do, but all responsibility is with your customers in my opinion.
I just wanted to state my opinion that no matter how nice they are when you see them, it is a front, they cheat, therefore they are arseholes. And for me it's relevant to your OP because I think that means your BF is an arsehole.
I don't want or need you to feel bad! I don't blame anyone but my ex.
You know, we shared a house for 4 months after we split, and he was less careful. When I went away for the weekend, he had an outcall. He hid our young child's shoes which were lined up in the porch. I thought it was just unbearably pathetic. I expect that people in your job don't waste their time bothering with opinions on their customers. But I thought - if she does, hiding those shoes won't help. She will have no opinion, or she will know that you are a lying cheat.
I did say from the start that I'm biased!
I have no issue with the women, only with him. And by extension - all men who use prostitutes when they are in a relationship. So, including your BF. I can see I won't change your mind so I won't say any more now - he's a wrong 'un, no matter that he does anything for anyone. Except his poor fucking partner!!!
Guiltypleasures I was very interested in your post, as my degree is in (child) psychology I do agree that the guys have 'issues', however how many of us don't?
I don't feel like I dropped my guard to let my bf in, I wasn't keeping a guard. I was open to the idea of a relationship, if one came about. However, I wasn't looking for one.
I understand that you don't like the sound of my bf, and I understand the reasons why. I also understand that you have been in a similar situation and want me to benefit from your experience, and I appreciate that. But, he isn't trying to control me or my business, however subtly you think this might be. He asks questions, gives his opinions and support and leaves me to decide.
I also disagree about him not being a grown up. He is incredibly mature, patient with people, generous with his time and will help anyone with anything he can. I often say he gets taken advantage of by people, but he doesn't see it that way. He has many mant qualities that I wish I had.
As for having mummy issues; he left home at 18 to join the Police force in Japan, his parents live at the other end of the country and he sees them once or twice a year.
I don't think I'm a rescuer. I am a very supportive friend to many and Im a single mother of 5 kids, does that count? lol
Cabrinha I wasn't saying my clients were nice, I was just commenting on how they treat me. I am in absolutely no doubt that they are cheating, selfish, disrespecting liars, in fact I know so because of how much of their personal life and circumstances they share with me.
I also know that they lie about getting sex at home, I'm no novice to this profession! I don't condone what they are doing, however, if I don't agree to see them, they simply move to the next available girl on the site. Consequently I don't feel bad about what I do.
That doesn't mean I don't feel, and I mean really feel for each and every one of you ladies when I read your stories on here. When I was married my world would have fallen apart if my DH had chested on me.
Btw - I know this is one person's experience... but the crap some men come out with about not getting sex at home or marriages being dead?
It was me that didn't get enough sex, I was the initiator turned away because he was paying for it elsewhere (so even before I knew, not victimless, I was suffering the hurt and confusion of rejection).
He booked a prostitute within 6 weeks of meeting his latest girlfriend too. There are no excuses of dead marriages / together for children there! It's just selfishness.
I just share this one story to be crystal clear - just because they seem nice as clients, if they are cheating, they are arseholes.
I think you really need to revisit your opinion of the men that come to you.
I don't doubt that they're normal and fun and chatty and you look forward to seeing some again.
You would say that about my ex husband.
Well - maybe not cos he's dull as fuck!
But seriously - he is Mr Nice Guy.
He would doubtless be kind and polite and respectful. He's easy to chat to (if dull!)
You would have the same impression that everyone else had of my ex, and once - me too.
Oh he's so NICE!
But the fact is, he was a married man cheating on his wife. And we'd been through me seeing evidence but believing he only looked. This was not a situation of "well, she doesn't know so she's not getting hurt".
He had sat through me sobbing my heart out saying that every time he went out I had to wonder if he was using prostitutes. Me crying that I couldn't bear to wreck my daughter's two parent family happiness. He sat through all that and lied that he wasn't doing it.
Then he turned up on your doorstep, Mr Nice Guy.
No matter how they appear to you, they are bad people. It's a matter of opinion, whether they're every one of them bad because they are paying for sex. But the 9/10 that you say are in a relationship? They are bad, fact.
What you see is false. No matter how nice this guy is, he is fundamentally flawed - a cheat and a liar.
Who probably had his wife and LTR in despair. And DID NOT CARE.
I believe you deserve so much better.
Op he didn't make you, but you did it out of respect for the relationship, which for me is a double edged sword as I'm having doubts about how he sees this.
It's good to see your fighting defensive spirit come through in that post, are you a rescuer? I used to be and still am in a way, I get paid for this though now, and so do you but in his case you don't now?
After my divorce I thoroughly explored the overtly sexual part of my personality, for some reason I was able to do stuff with no emotional attachment what so ever, but I also knew that the real me was under there somewhere, and it only took one utter weak fuckwit to find it, blimey how I wish I could delete that bit of my history. So in a way I am transfering some of my experience on to you.
I did what I did in the past to gain back a huge amount of control I had completely lost during my awful marriage, I probably went over the top, but it's what I needed to do for me.
He didn't make me change my services- that was MY decision. I very much doubt anyone could make me do anything!
I will be back later to answer properly, 11 yo DS needs help 'blowing up a bottle of coke' - the mind boggles lol.
Very well put Guilty. The making the OP change her services is something I found especially alarming. He claims to understand it is a business transaction, but then puts different values on different levels of services. To me this shows that this guy is uncomfortable with what the OP is doing; which is utterly hypocritical given that is how he met her!
Thank you for your kind words to me OP, and I really hope I am not offending you. I just have such a dim view on the whole escort/punter relationship idea. I have NEVER known one to work, and I have known lovely women get very hurt along the way. Please don't let yourself be one of them.
Just wondering...is he happy for you to continue working for as long as you please?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.