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New Relationship advice

(67 Posts)
WorkingGirlJem Tue 26-Aug-14 21:13:02

Hello,

It's been years since I have been active on this site. I found it invaluable when my children were small, and again when I was going through my divorce.
So, forward about 5 years and you guys were the first place I thought of when I needed some new relationship advice.

Ok, some background - I am a divorced single parent of 5 children, aged 19, 16, 13, 12 and 11. I have been happily single, occasionally dating for the past 6 years.

I work as an escort. If this is an issue for people, or if you don't want to talk to me, please just say so kindly as I don't wish to offend or upset. I am a nice person, a good mum and friend smile

Six months ago a client came to see me, a professional gentleman in his late 40's (a few years older than me) and we hit it off straight away.
A few appointments with me later and I found myself really attracted to this guy both emotionally and physically.

One evening a week later he texted me out of the blue to say he had missed seeing me but didn't want to book me, and would I consider allowing him to take me out instead. The answer to that would be an absolute no on every other occasion, but I really liked him.

3 months later and lots more dates, dog walks and nights in with a takeaway, we tentively discussed a relationship. We have now been together properly (but taking things very slowly) for nearly 3 months.

I told him at the beginning that I enjoy my job and it provides a very good income for my children and I, and that there would be no chance of me retiring at this point in time. We have drawn up some boundaries regarding my clients, and have changed the services I offer to draw a between work and our relationship. I don't discuss my work unless he asks me, and he decides how much he wants to know. He has, so far coped really well.

Here is where I need advice . . .

He has admitted to me that he has used escorts almost all his adult life, even while he was married, then when in a long term relationship since. He says he finds the urge to visit them overwhelming. He has never formed any relationships with any of them, usually seeing each one only once or twice.

I don't actually have a problem with him visiting them as long as he tells me, (I was previously in an open relationship for a while and it suited us both) but Im not sure he would. sad

In your opinion ladies (and gentlemen if you wish) is this relationship a non starter?

Viviennemary Fri 29-Aug-14 00:20:39

It's impossible for anyone to say that the relationship is a non-starter or doomed. Yes there are more complications here. But you can do no more than give it a go and see where it ends up. But the odds do seem to be against you. Pretty woman is just a film.

WorkingGirlJem Fri 29-Aug-14 00:22:46

A bit random I know, but he said something the other night when we were chatting about how I should have realised how committed he was to me by the fact he hasn't visited another escort since we got together. (I do know 99% for a fact he hasn't, but I don't want to go into how)

But does that show committment, or has he just not had the opportunity/time to get bored of our sex life yet.

It's late and Im rambling now, its time for bed x

grumpasaur Fri 29-Aug-14 00:30:07

I don't think that shows commitment really; I also agree with the pp who questioned whether or not he would every truly respect you or see you as an equal. Also, he says 'yet' as if it's an inevitability...almost as if you should be grateful that he has behaved perfectly normally for three months!

An open relationship should be a mutual choice and practice, and it sounds more like you are giving him permission to indulge his fancies than it does a healthy relationship decision...

Obviousnamechangetoday Fri 29-Aug-14 00:37:03

But not sleeping with other people is standard in a relationship, so it doesn't really show commitment. It should not be something that he uses to show how serious he claims to be about you.

Honestly OP, you deserve more than this. You are eating up your brain power worrying about when the man you are seeing will be hopping into somebody else's (paid for) bed.

You do know what will happen when he does don't you? He will turn around and say you have no right to be angry because you sleep with other men! Despite the fact you do it to make money, and he wouldn't have met you if he didn't.

There is no depth of hypocrisy to which these sorts of men will not sink. I am surprised that as a WG of some experience you cannot see it for yourself. Please take a look at this situation with detached eyes for a moment, and see just how badly it is bound to end.

Then run for the hills.

Obviousnamechangetoday Fri 29-Aug-14 00:37:42

Wouldn't have met you if you didn't

WorkingGirlJem Fri 29-Aug-14 06:54:15

All taken on board - thank you everyone.

Obviousnamechange It's funny you should say that you think men who visit prostitutes have a flawed personality, because ime I have found men and women on the swinging scene to be much more flawed in character than my clients.

Anyway, I do want to give it a go with him, I'm stable and enough to cope with what may be the inevitable.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained grin

WorkingGirlJem Fri 29-Aug-14 06:55:22

That should have said ' Im stable and strong enough'

Preciousbane Fri 29-Aug-14 08:28:31

Glad it was a punctuation error.

Look after yourself op, this man is a big risk to date.

Obviousnamechangetoday Fri 29-Aug-14 09:23:09

Any person who thinks another can be bought for a period of time has a deeply flawed way of thinking OP. I do not say that lightly, but I escorted for nearly 4 years so I think I have some experience to draw from.

I wish you all the best, but I fear you are going to need it. All that is likely to be gained from this venture is heartbreak.

Good luck!

WorkingGirlJem Fri 29-Aug-14 09:40:19

Do you really feel that they think they are 'buying us for a period of time' *Obviousnamechange', because I don't. I just feel they are paying us for a service like they would pay their barber, dry cleaner etc.

Almost without exception my clients treat me thoughtfully and with respect to my boundaries. We chat, laugh and enjoy each others company for the duration of their booking; very often Im looking forward to seeing them again and hearing their news.

Maybe it is me who's character is flawed confused

WorkingGirlJem Fri 29-Aug-14 09:41:18

grin

mrsbrownsgirls Fri 29-Aug-14 09:50:53

OP you said you don't mind if he occasionally visits escorts as long as he tells you, and he doesn't mind you continuing to work as one. Seems pretty fair to me !

If that's the case you are both unusually open minded about sex and relationships , but if the above really is true I don't see a problem .

Good luck! i was happily single for a while recently but now have a partner who is wonderful and I am surprised at how happy he makes me

Obviousnamechangetoday Fri 29-Aug-14 09:59:43

You aren't flawed at all OP. if you genuinely enjoy the job, and can handle the potential pitfalls it brings then more power to you!

However, my personal take on it is that it is not the same as going to the dry cleaner etc. You are being paid to perform a physical, and deeply intimate act that you would normally only do with someone you cared about, and were (hopefully!) attracted to. Think about how many clients you have (and I know you will, because I did too) who always want reassurance that you "enjoy your job". Why do they want that reassurance? Because deep down, they KNOW what they are doing is distasteful.

I can only speak for myself of course. I was pretty successful, and a very good actress, but I honestly didn't give two hoots for my clients. I just needed their money! The joy of being retired and having ownership of my body again is utterly glorious.

I am not you though, and I think it is great if you are doing something you genuinely enjoy. My concerns about your relationship are not just escort related; they are concerns related to the fact that this man has admitted he lies, cheats and cannot be trusted. I think you sound a lovely person, and you deserve far better than a man who cheats, and is obsessed with prostitutes. I fear that the day will also come where he uses the fact you escort as his defence against his own bad behaviour.

Just take care, and make sure you put yourself first in all of this.

WorkingGirlJem Fri 29-Aug-14 10:03:07

Thats good to hear mrsbrownsgirls, funny how things change, isn't it?
You think you are happiest single, then you meet someone and are happier still. Lovely smile

I am very openminded when it comes to sex and relationships, but oddly enough my bf isn't. When I have mentioned us maybe trying out the swinging scene together, he said that the thought of it turned him on, however he wouldn't cope seeing me with another man, or indeed feel ok with me watching him with another woman.

We do talk in depth about my work and he says he copes knowing that 'my relationship' with my clients is a purely a financial transaction.

WorkingGirlJem Fri 29-Aug-14 10:10:39

Obviousnamechange Did you know that in several languages the word for prostitute and the word for actress is actually the same word? . . .and Oh boy, do we have to act sometimes grin

You have been very kind and supportive, and it really has meant a great deal to me.

Im glad you reclaimed your body and are in a good place because I know how badly this work can affect some.

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 29-Aug-14 10:15:46

Hi again

You know what op, you really are a strong woman, and very together like another has said. But something's off here, he's managed to find a vulnerability in your character and it's deep enough to allow you to drop your guard and let this guy in.

On face value, your job gives you the power to pick and choose, everything is about you keeping the power over your body and your choices. But somehow quite assiduously he's got in under the radar, my honest opinion? I really really don't like the sound of him, I can't quite put my finger on it but I think he's a whole host of trouble. You got out of a for whatever reason a no longer satisfying relationship/marriage but this bloke would have his own chapter in a Lundy Bancroft book.

He is subtly controlling you, he's running your business from the side lines, you've changed your menu for him but he hasn't changed at all! I think he gets of on the danger, I also think he gets off on the dirty aspect for him of you being what you do. I think unconsciously he doesn't like or trust women at all, I don't believe he is a grown up in the real sense of the word, I bet he has massive mummy issues.

I don't like him for you op, I'll admit I have this overwhelming feeling of dread about him and I don't even know you. He feels like a virus you'll never get off your laptop. I see you like a spider caught in his web, the threads are so thin you haven't noticed them yet.

Sorry if I'm being over dramatic I just couldn't let it go unwritten.
He doesn't think he's Richard Gere does he ? thanks

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 29-Aug-14 10:21:13

Oh forgot to add, that years ago I was a pro Domme ands found it to be a form of therapy for guys, their relationships and their shame and guilt would always come up. Whether it was about cross dressing or being bisexual or transexual, for some reason they all came to me because I accepted them without judgement.

This is part of the reason why I am now a qualified psychotherapist blush, still have the odd flogger though wink

Obviousnamechangetoday Fri 29-Aug-14 10:26:05

Very well put Guilty. The making the OP change her services is something I found especially alarming. He claims to understand it is a business transaction, but then puts different values on different levels of services. To me this shows that this guy is uncomfortable with what the OP is doing; which is utterly hypocritical given that is how he met her!

Thank you for your kind words to me OP, and I really hope I am not offending you. I just have such a dim view on the whole escort/punter relationship idea. I have NEVER known one to work, and I have known lovely women get very hurt along the way. Please don't let yourself be one of them.

Just wondering...is he happy for you to continue working for as long as you please?

WorkingGirlJem Fri 29-Aug-14 11:03:12

Hang on!!!

He didn't make me change my services- that was MY decision. I very much doubt anyone could make me do anything!

I will be back later to answer properly, 11 yo DS needs help 'blowing up a bottle of coke' - the mind boggles lol.

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 29-Aug-14 11:25:00

Op he didn't make you, but you did it out of respect for the relationship, which for me is a double edged sword as I'm having doubts about how he sees this.

It's good to see your fighting defensive spirit come through in that post, are you a rescuer? I used to be and still am in a way, I get paid for this though now, and so do you but in his case you don't now?

After my divorce I thoroughly explored the overtly sexual part of my personality, for some reason I was able to do stuff with no emotional attachment what so ever, but I also knew that the real me was under there somewhere, and it only took one utter weak fuckwit to find it, blimey how I wish I could delete that bit of my history. So in a way I am transfering some of my experience on to you.

I did what I did in the past to gain back a huge amount of control I had completely lost during my awful marriage, I probably went over the top, but it's what I needed to do for me.

Cabrinha Fri 29-Aug-14 11:28:46

I think you really need to revisit your opinion of the men that come to you.
I don't doubt that they're normal and fun and chatty and you look forward to seeing some again.
You would say that about my ex husband.
Well - maybe not cos he's dull as fuck!
smile
But seriously - he is Mr Nice Guy.
He would doubtless be kind and polite and respectful. He's easy to chat to (if dull!)
You would have the same impression that everyone else had of my ex, and once - me too.
Oh he's so NICE!

But the fact is, he was a married man cheating on his wife. And we'd been through me seeing evidence but believing he only looked. This was not a situation of "well, she doesn't know so she's not getting hurt".

He had sat through me sobbing my heart out saying that every time he went out I had to wonder if he was using prostitutes. Me crying that I couldn't bear to wreck my daughter's two parent family happiness. He sat through all that and lied that he wasn't doing it.

Then he turned up on your doorstep, Mr Nice Guy.

No matter how they appear to you, they are bad people. It's a matter of opinion, whether they're every one of them bad because they are paying for sex. But the 9/10 that you say are in a relationship? They are bad, fact.

What you see is false. No matter how nice this guy is, he is fundamentally flawed - a cheat and a liar.

Who probably had his wife and LTR in despair. And DID NOT CARE.

I believe you deserve so much better.

Cabrinha Fri 29-Aug-14 11:36:13

Btw - I know this is one person's experience... but the crap some men come out with about not getting sex at home or marriages being dead?
It was me that didn't get enough sex, I was the initiator turned away because he was paying for it elsewhere (so even before I knew, not victimless, I was suffering the hurt and confusion of rejection).
He booked a prostitute within 6 weeks of meeting his latest girlfriend too. There are no excuses of dead marriages / together for children there! It's just selfishness.

I just share this one story to be crystal clear - just because they seem nice as clients, if they are cheating, they are arseholes.

WorkingGirlJem Fri 29-Aug-14 13:37:10

Guiltypleasures I was very interested in your post, as my degree is in (child) psychology I do agree that the guys have 'issues', however how many of us don't?

I don't feel like I dropped my guard to let my bf in, I wasn't keeping a guard. I was open to the idea of a relationship, if one came about. However, I wasn't looking for one.

I understand that you don't like the sound of my bf, and I understand the reasons why. I also understand that you have been in a similar situation and want me to benefit from your experience, and I appreciate that. But, he isn't trying to control me or my business, however subtly you think this might be. He asks questions, gives his opinions and support and leaves me to decide.

I also disagree about him not being a grown up. He is incredibly mature, patient with people, generous with his time and will help anyone with anything he can. I often say he gets taken advantage of by people, but he doesn't see it that way. He has many mant qualities that I wish I had.
As for having mummy issues; he left home at 18 to join the Police force in Japan, his parents live at the other end of the country and he sees them once or twice a year.

I don't think I'm a rescuer. I am a very supportive friend to many and Im a single mother of 5 kids, does that count? lol

Cabrinha I wasn't saying my clients were nice, I was just commenting on how they treat me. I am in absolutely no doubt that they are cheating, selfish, disrespecting liars, in fact I know so because of how much of their personal life and circumstances they share with me.
I also know that they lie about getting sex at home, I'm no novice to this profession! I don't condone what they are doing, however, if I don't agree to see them, they simply move to the next available girl on the site. Consequently I don't feel bad about what I do.
That doesn't mean I don't feel, and I mean really feel for each and every one of you ladies when I read your stories on here. When I was married my world would have fallen apart if my DH had chested on me.

Cabrinha Fri 29-Aug-14 15:23:02

I hope my post didn't come across as me wanting you to feel bad! God know. Honestly, I don't like what you do, but all responsibility is with your customers in my opinion.

I just wanted to state my opinion that no matter how nice they are when you see them, it is a front, they cheat, therefore they are arseholes. And for me it's relevant to your OP because I think that means your BF is an arsehole.

I don't want or need you to feel bad! I don't blame anyone but my ex.

You know, we shared a house for 4 months after we split, and he was less careful. When I went away for the weekend, he had an outcall. He hid our young child's shoes which were lined up in the porch. I thought it was just unbearably pathetic. I expect that people in your job don't waste their time bothering with opinions on their customers. But I thought - if she does, hiding those shoes won't help. She will have no opinion, or she will know that you are a lying cheat.

I did say from the start that I'm biased!

I have no issue with the women, only with him. And by extension - all men who use prostitutes when they are in a relationship. So, including your BF. I can see I won't change your mind so I won't say any more now - he's a wrong 'un, no matter that he does anything for anyone. Except his poor fucking partner!!!

WorkingGirlJem Fri 29-Aug-14 16:37:01

It didn't Cabrinha I am open to all opinions and offers of advice.

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