Wedding drama - need advice/a good talking to!

[dollfin]

Hi All

I really need someone to give me their honest opinion on something.

My OH has gone abroad today, to his cousins wedding. All his family have gone, including his sister, her partner and her 3 kids (14, 10, 7).

My OH and I have been together for 3.5 years and although my son (3 years old) is not his, he brings him up as his own.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, my son wasn't invited to the wedding and because I never have any childcare, i couldn;t go either. So I am at home and OH is off in Italy with all his family.

Maybe I should be ok with this but I'm not, he said it was no kids but why are his sisters older ones going. I feel really hurt and really upset, basically like his family dont like me or my son. He has had a massive go at me before he went as he says I'm being ridiculous. I just can't help it, I want to cry and just feel so hurt.

Please someone tell me I'm being stupid. I don't want to feel like this :(

Dollfin x

[StrangeGlue]

Ah well he's been a dick really. There was no need to have a go at you about something understandable. Sounds like you feel left out and slighted and whether that was their intention or not it's a valid way to feel.

Some people when they say 'child free wedding' mean no kids under the age they assume they'll be able to sit still and be quiet for long periods of time. Or maybe they know those particular kids v well. Or maybe it is a slight. We don't know.

[dollfin]

He never has any patience with me if I'm feeling upset and he thinks I'm being stupid. Just raises his voice and talks over me until I stop talking about it. Consequently I feel unheard and frustrated but today I'm really upset. I feel horrible

[kaykayblue]

His reaction towards you sounds totally unjustified, but a child free wedding is just that - normally people put an age limitation on rather than a blanket ban on no under 18's.

There's a huge difference between a seven year old and a three year old - and of course the others are old enough.

I could see your point if his sister's children were the same age as yours, as that's an obvious slight, but that's not the case.

If you really wanted to have gone, could you not have asked your mother/father to take your child for the weekend? I don't know your family dynamics, but that's what my friends are doing for our child free wedding.

I do understand that it's difficult to arrange child care sometimes, and that means that you get left out of things, but at the end of the day, that's one of the pitfalls of being a parent.

I assume at some point you both sat down and you pointed out you wouldn't be able to go because of your son, and told him he could go if he wanted? Or there was at some point a conversation about the fact that you couldn't go and what was he doing?

I don't know your relationship with the rest of the family, but this particular issue in a vacuum seems to come across as a bit paranoid - I very much doubt they sat down together and said "SO, how can we make sure that X person can't come?".

[kaykayblue]

He never has any patience with me if I'm feeling upset and he thinks I'm being stupid. Just raises his voice and talks over me until I stop talking about it. Consequently I feel unheard and frustrated

This statement is way more worrying to me than the fact one of his wider relatives is having a child free wedding.

[dollfin]

I take all your points KayKayBlue and I'm not unreasonable, I think you're probably right about the children etc.

Its more that I feel upset because when I told him I was really upset and felt left out, he just shouted at me and said I was being stupid. Its not like i'm a big nag at all, I thought about it for a long time before I said it but I wanted him to know how left out i felt.

I texted him this morning before the flight saying have a nice time, no reply yet he had time to update his facebook status. I feel so hurt and like I'm the unreasonable one.

[dollfin]

No, we didn't have a big conversation about it, he just assumed I knew, which I didn't. Its almost like he thinks I can hear his thoughts then gets upset when I don't. Communication is not his strong point!

[hellsbellsmelons]

The usual question based on your posts.
What do you get out of this relationship?

From what you've said he's an arsehole!

[19lottie82]

I do appreciate you're upset, but when you're organising a wedding your budget usually dictates that you can't invite everyone that you'd like. Hence your brothers partners 3 year old may not be top of the list.

I don't think it would be fair of you to expect your DP not to go to his sisters wedding because your toddler DS wasn't invited.

[kaykayblue]

dollfin - In genuine sincerity - this does not sound like a good relationship. I don't think this is about the wedding. I think this is about the way that he treats you. He sounds arrogant, patronising and disrespectful. HUGELY disrespectful.

I don't know anyone who would react in this way before going off for a weekend.

My advice would be to use this weekend apart to seriously reflect on why the hell you are in this relationship.

This is not a great example to be setting for your child on how relationships work.

[Daisym0use]

It strikes me that it's the lack of understanding about your feelings that's upsetting. Of course you feel left out, who wouldn't! Men are a bit dense when it comes to our feelings! Perhaps it would have been nicer if he'd sympathised and suggested a nice long weekend away together when he gets home

[amyhamster]

You poor thing
I think it's very hurtful your ds wasn't invited & the fact he doesnt understand speaks volumes

[MirandaGoshawk]

People have to draw the line somewhere when it comes to wedding invitations. How well do they know you? Do they live abroad? Maybe if they'd invited him there would have been a lot of other young ones to invite too. Try not to take it personally - they didn't do it because they hate you/him.

[Lweji]

I was going to say you were being unreasonable, until I read what you said about he reacts when you are upset.

One way or the other it doesn't seem healthy at all.

He doesn't sound supportive and that would be a serious problem for a long lasting relationship. It will lead to misery.

[Pinkje]

Sorry you are feeling hurt by your partner's attitude. How do you think he sees your long term relationship? Are you just the girl he is with until someone else comes along? Have you discussed having kids together for instance?

[Nanny0gg]

It's his cousin. Were they really that close? Did he really have to go?

He doesn't sound very nice.

[Castlemilk]

He never has any patience with me if I'm feeling upset and he thinks I'm being stupid. Just raises his voice and talks over me until I stop talking about it. Consequently I feel unheard and frustrated

This isn't about a wedding.

Why do you want to put the time in with this guy? It's blindingly obvious that he isn't worth it. He's especially not sounding like a great choice for a stepdad either...

[dollfin]

They are a really close family, close cousins as well, I've met the couple on lots of occasions. I do understand that they may not want a boisterous 3 year old at the wedding.

I think you're all correct in that the issue isn't about the wedding itself. Its about the fact that we never talked about it, that he didn't properly sit down and tell me about the no children rule, he just looked at me like I was mad when I said lets book somewhere nice that we can take DS too and said that there was no way we'd be taking him with us. Then when I got upset he no longer wanted to discuss it with me and completely shut down on the matter. When I did bring i up the day before, very carefully as I knew there was a chance it could go badly, he just lost his temper and said I was being stupid.

I feel like all my insecurities are running riot, like I'm worried about what hes up to, what they are saying about me and how much they are laughing at me. I know some of you might think that I'm being so stupid (he prob does too!) but I'm not like this, I'm strong and secure normally, happy to do my own thing and let him do his.

[dollfin]

oh and the answer to why I'm with him, prob the most common and the worst reason ever! I love him, I find him attractive and i don't think I'd meet anyone like him again. So, splitting up would be hard :(

[clam]

"i don't think I'd meet anyone like him again."

That sounds like a good thing to me, sorry.

Don't EVER let anyone tell you that your feelings are stupid or invalid.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Who told you about this "no children rule"? If there was a rule I reckon it was his. And possibly not wanting his girlfriend and her child in the family photos because you're not a permanent fixture in his life but he doesn't want to admit it to you.

That would account for his bluster and shouting at you. I'd leave him for the temper and calling you "stupid" alone. He sounds bloody vile.

[TapWellies]

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted

Interesting NN.

[tipsytrifle]

You know, I'm really not even liking this OH of yours very much ... in fact not at all ....

My warning sirens haven't gone into warp speed mode but they're twitching

My past and inner self is littered with the debris of relationships that started with such a boom of chemistry and attraction that hell, what could be wrong? Except they all were. Every one of them.

I still would like fireworks and all that jazz but I think sometimes the crash and bang of it all can be deceptively indicative of hell brewing ... (seem to be in dramatic word mode tonight)

[Boomeranggirl]

This is only one side of the story, so I think the LTB suggestions are a little knee jerk!

There could be all sorts of reasons why only certain children were invited, which we or even the OP doesn't know about. Tbh it's the bride and grooms choice, especially if its a small intimate wedding abroad.

Did he really go from zero to shouting over the top of you when you told him how you felt or did it descend into an argument?

I'm not trying to shift blame or anything but I do think that there might be more to this.

[Lweji]

Yeah, the stupid comment on top is a definite red flag.

Consider your son in this.
Will he start to be witness to him calling you stupid?

Is this the relationship you want to have for the rest of your life?

[2tired2bewitty]

What did he propose you do with your ds if his plan was for both of you to go to the wedding without him?