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Relationships

Upsetting behaviour

147 replies

Alteredlabel · 26/08/2014 11:43

Been with bf 2.5 yrs, have a baby together. Went to the Edinburgh fringe for the weekend just the two of us. We have both been to the city once before separately, so not very familiar with the city. We were having fun, drinking and catching shows etc. I wanted some food from one of the food stands, we were waiting but other people were getting served before us (there was a poorly communicated queuing system that the staff were sticking to but customers were unaware of) my bf got pissed off (he hates queuing and has a short fuse in such situations) and walked off. I knew that he had had enough and would not want to return to this queue. I was really hungry and really wanted the food so stayed where I was, in the queue.

I heard him shout me a few times but I knew he would be wanting to go elsewhere and I wanted this food that I had already been waiting for, so I didn't turn around. After I got the food and moved away from the stall, my bf was nowhere to be seen.

I sat and ate the food, no sign of bf. I waited there for 45 mins. He didn't have his phone with him (he had my mobile number written down in his pocket) and my phone was very low on battery power. He didn't contact me, or come back.

It began raining. He had my waterproof with him when he disappeared. Eventually my phone died and I decided to go back to the hotel to recharge it and get my umbrella.

I felt really upset that he had basically abandoned me in an unfamiliar city and not returned or contacted me.

A couple of minutes after I got back to the hotel, he got back. He claimed that he hadn't gone off in a strop/anger, he had just gone to get some cash. I pointed out that if that was the case he could have told me, returned to the same spot or tried to call me. Eventually he apologised and we headed out again.

Later on when we got back to the hotel, we had sex, he was quite rough and seemed a bit angry. He didn't climax and said "you will have to suck me off" which I was a bit taken aback by. I didn't want to go down on him until he had had a wash but he kept asking me to. Eventually he had a wash and I gave him a blow job. He kept trying to feel my bottom and vagina, I asked him not to because I didn't want him to. He kept ignoring me and putting his hands down there which irritated and upset me.

When I started giving him the blow job he asked me to take it deep. I said it would make me gag, to which he replied "you will have to gag then". I ignored this and laughed it off as I was a bit drunk. He put his hand on the back of my head and was quite forceful, it made me gag a few times and I pulled my head away. He said "come on!" And when I gagged again he called me "pathetic" I am really upset and angry with him and feel like he treated me really badly. He has apologised because he knows he's upset me but the next day I was too upset to talk about it in detail and I'm not sure he remembers.

I don't know what to do now. This was very out of character for him. He has been very respectful in the past. I have post natal depression and can't think straight. I don't know if this was just a horrible one off incident that we could somehow get past or if it shows that underneath his loveliness he is really a nasty person?

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 26/08/2014 11:54

He sounds fucking vile. Maybe this is the real him and he's not shown himself in his true colours before. It appears to me that he was seeking to punish you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/08/2014 11:56

Forcing someone into sexual acts that they don't want to engage in is rape. Sorry if that shocks you. Apologising after the event doesn't make it right. He was punishing you for not being obedient and that's a pretty horrible & disrespectful way to treat someone. You say it's out of character but is it really? You mentioned a short fuse earlier which presumably means you've seen him lose his temper on several occasions. Maybe up to now you've always kept on his right side?

I would not be thinking about planning a future with this person. Quite the opposite.

Alteredlabel · 26/08/2014 11:58

That's how I felt when he walked off at the food stand, that he was punishing me for not obeying him by following him.

OP posts:
YvyB · 26/08/2014 11:59

I don't think your response to that had anything to do with post natal depression. That was a horrible way to behave. End of.
I can't advise you how to move on but I do know that some people could call that behaviour 'sexual assault'. If you asked him to stop but he carried on anyway I'm afraid that's the label I would use.
Good for you for standing your ground in the queue - it sounds as if he expected you to capitulate to suit him. And all this was a 'weekend away'? A treat for the two of you? You don't have to live with this sort of behaviour. If you don't want to continue putting up with it, then you have every right to walk away. He sounds thoroughly entitled and a bully to me :(

Lovingfreedom · 26/08/2014 11:59

He sounds awful...not acceptable behaviour at all, even as a 'one off'

BuzzardBird · 26/08/2014 12:00

Well, he is childish, selfish, a misogynist and a controlling shit. That is what comes over to me.

Alteredlabel · 26/08/2014 12:03

He has never lost his temper in a violent way but he is very impatient with poor customer service. In every other way there are no red flags, he is usually respectful and courteous to everyone, very considerate etc.

I participated willingly in giving him a blowjob and I was a bit fuzzy headed due to being drunk so was probably reacting slowly etc. I stopped when he called me pathetic and he apologised and didn't put any pressure on me to continue.

It was so out of character it was as if he thought we were doing some dodgy role play that we hadnt agreed to. I'm really confused.

OP posts:
Corygal · 26/08/2014 12:03

Yuk, he's awful. Get yourself sorted from the PND and think about the future. You'll be better off without him, I'm afraid.

Jackie0 · 26/08/2014 12:08

This is horrific !
Do you live together? I ask because you call him your bf rather than partner, but you have a baby together so maybe you do live together.
Whatever the fuck he is get shot of him. No one does this to someone they love or even respect .
You've your whole life ahead of you.
Do you not know you're worth better than this.
I'm so sorry.

Jackie0 · 26/08/2014 12:12

He was punishing you because you didn't do as you were told.
He will definitely do it again.
Sorry for posting again. I get so upset reading threads like this.
I always think what if this were my daughter or my sister ?

BuzzardBird · 26/08/2014 12:17

Can't you see that the whole blow job thing was him putting you in a position of vulnerability and him being in control?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/08/2014 12:17

'Out of character' can be someone testing the boundaries. Few people end up in abusive relationships from Day 1 - it tends to be that the bad behaviour starts as one-offs and 'out of character' incidents but that it gets progressively a little more frequent & a little worse each time. You started out by saying you were angry and upset which would be a normal reaction. Now you're rationalising sexual assault by talking about there being alcohol involved, that he's normally very courteous and respectful etc. I don't think you are confused really. You don't want to accept that your lovely boyfriend and father of your child could assault you and that's rather different.

As red flags go, this is about as serious as it gets

AnyFucker · 26/08/2014 12:18

This is hwo it starts, love

Stick around for more of the same if you wish. Next time you "don't do as you are told" he will punish you again, but a bit worse.

You have been warned.

Alteredlabel · 26/08/2014 12:21

You are right, I don't want to accept it. I'm really fucking upset and angry.

I don't understand how he could be like this? His family are so bloody lovely and his parents have a very well balanced relationship (his mum wears the trousers!)

How did he get to be like this with such a lovely family?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/08/2014 12:22

How does anyone ?

Alteredlabel · 26/08/2014 12:24

I really fucking checked thoroughly for any trace of red flags at the start. Not even a red fucking thread and now this.

I am gutted.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/08/2014 12:26

I think people's personalities are pretty much their own domain. Families/parents can model good attitudes, set values and expectations, etc., but I think there's a limit to the influence they have on someone's choices and behaviour. Lovely people can produce monsters and vice versa.

Squidstirfry · 26/08/2014 12:27

Your post has shocked me. Even leaving you stranded in the street is bad enough.

His hateful sexual behaviour proves he is a vile misogynist who watches too much porn and uses sex to abuse women.

BuzzardBird · 26/08/2014 12:29

Also the "deep throat" thing sounds like he likes his internet porn, which mostly is very misogynistic.

AnyFucker · 26/08/2014 12:30

They get you hooked, then the real character comes out at some point.

BuzzardBird · 26/08/2014 12:30

Interesting cross-post there Squid

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/08/2014 12:32

The 'red flag' concept is a guide. You have to take people as you find them and, if they present as being reasonable and kind etc. then that's all you can judge them on. That it's taken 2.5 years for something like this to happen is unfortunate but plenty of other people get similar shocks to the system - discovering affairs or addiction problems, for example - that force them to see their long-term partner in a totally new and horrible light.

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Alteredlabel · 26/08/2014 12:34

Bollocks. He lives here but it's my house.

OP posts:
Alteredlabel · 26/08/2014 12:35

Bollocks as in the expletive, I'm not arguing with anyone.

OP posts:
CiderwithBuda · 26/08/2014 12:36

A very good MN tip (can't remember who was responsible for it first) - when someone shows you who they are take heed.

He has shown you in no uncertain terms that he has zero respect for you.

He sounds vile.

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