DH resents me being a sahm

[MillyONaire]

Since having DD 12 years ago I have been fortune enough to be a sahm. It was not planned or intended to be this way but we'd moved to a rural area and I had not managed to find work. It has worked out well though as DH is self employed and works very long hours - often 7 days a week. For the past 18 months though I have been applying for jobs - I have helped out in DH's business over the years, have done voluntary work and a few courses too so my cv is not as stagnant as it could've been. However I have not even got to interview stage. DH keeps making snide remarks about how easy I have it and sarcastic remarks about how life must be so hard lying around all day. FWIW he does nothing around the house and very little re our DC. Fair enough: he is at work most of the time and yes, I am lucky to be able to play with the DC but I rarely get time to myself and never get to meet up with friends without dc in tow. I love being at home but accept that when the youngest starts school I will enjoy working too (fingers crossed I will get a job). I don't know how to handle dh's resentment. When I say he does nothing around the house I mean if he opens a drawer he doesn't even close it - if he makes a sandwich he will leave all the accoutrements on the worktop. If I nag him he will clear it away bar crumbs but it will usually lead to a row so often I say nothing. Thing is, pre DC when we both worked, he wasn't much different. My self confidence is taking a hammering with the lack of response from jobs so I am currently feeling quite guilty about being at home but I am also beginning to really dislike this man-child to whom I am married!

[tallwivglasses]

Tell him. You're not his servant.

[CocoM]

Has he only recently started resenting it? Whats the rest of your relationship like?

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Tell him to stop being so childish. You being at home is what is allowing him to work all the hours he is working. And tell him to pick up after himself - you're his wife, not his mother.

[noblegiraffe]

Your life probably is easier than his - that amount of work sounds shit and no wonder he is looking enviously at your deal. Is there any way he can cut down the hours he works and get some sort of life back?

Not justifying his laziness or his being unpleasant, but if he's unhappy with his lot, it does sound justified.

[RedRoom]

I have a feeling you won't like what I'm going to put, but you asked for views and I'm with noblegiraffe, to be honest. Your week probably is easier compared to his, given that he works long hours, seven days a week and has the responsibility of being the sole wage earner, plus the accountability of being self employed.

I've worked full time (as a teacher) and stayed at home, and staying at home was less stressful than working full time. Yes, children are tiring and you don't get much peace, but it is an entirely different kind of stress / pressure and, ultimately, it is enjoyable.

It's not a debate about how valuable being a SAHM is, it's about whether he feels that the burden of bringing home a wage is being shared. I don't believe being a SAHM is a 'job'. To me, employment means working in exchange for a wage. If you don't earn a wage, it is voluntary work. If it involves looking after family members, that is a life style choice, not an occupation. Lots of women have a 'job' and a family, so clearly there is a distinction.

It sounds to me like he wasn't expecting you to have 12 years off work and not return at least part time. You say it has 'worked out well' for you not to work as your husband works 7 days a week- does he see it like that? Or does he work 7 days because you work none?

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

But the OP IS applying for jobs. Read FFS. She's not just been sitting on her arse, you know.

For the past 18 months though I have been applying for jobs - I have helped out in DH's business over the years, have done voluntary work and a few courses too so my cv is not as stagnant as it could've been. However I have not even got to interview stage.

And rather than making snide comments about it to her and being childish and not picking up after himself, why doesn't he just be a fucking adult and sit down and discuss things with her. Tell her he's stressed over it and see if they can't discuss a way through it. Is it really so much to expect him to behave like an adult? Apparently so.

[Twinklestein]

Ime husbands who are resentful of the wife for staying at home, are equally resentful when she goes out to work, because they then have to be involved in chores they believe to beneath them.

You say your husband wasn't much better when you were working full time. You have a resentful husband and he will always be resentful of something.

When you land a job, you need to sit him down and split up the chores evenly. (He will hit the roof as he thinks he's entitled to your salary and your services around the home - but it's worth a try).

[RedRoom]

I read it perfectly fine, thanks. Applying for jobs does not stop the husband working seven days a week if bring the sole earner. There have been threads where women have complained about their partners being long term unemployed and applying for jobs but not getting them. That doesn't alleviate the stress.

[RedRoom]

And being, not if bring.

[MillyONaire]

Ime husbands who are resentful of the wife for staying at home, are equally resentful when she goes out to work, because they then have to be involved in chores they believe to beneath them.

It is true in this case Twinkle. He resents when I volunteer for anything - he resents my time away from him - he resents it when I read while he's watching tv because he'd prefer me to be watching with him.

[RedRoom]

Well, that's something else. Why does he resent you doing volunteering when it helps enhance your cv? Obviously I don't even know him, but it sounds like he is projecting unhappiness about his own work / career upon you. If you worked full time, you'd still have to do housework to 'match' his hours. If you stay at home, he'd say you have it easy. If you volunteer, it's a waste of time as it bring in no money. Does that sound right?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He may be working long hours and seven days a week but is he really being totally productive?. Working smarter, not harder may be a way forward for him but I don't think he wants to go down that route. He can use his job to get back at OP.

You wrote that he was a manchild - that seems correct given what you have written about him. Such entitled men do not change. Only you can change how you react to him.

[BadMother2014]

Let him stay at home with the kids 24/7 and then tell you he is resenting you being a stay at home mum. Its hard!

[rainbowinmyroom]

Who cleared up after him when you were both working? Who does he think will do it when you go back to work? Let me hazard a guess.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Redroom That's why I said he was being unreasonable - OP pointed out in the very first post that she had spent time helping with his business, doing voluntary work, and taking up a few courses to boost up her CV. And she IS applying for work - while I appreciate she is still unemployed, she IS making an effort.

I don't think it's great when women are bitching about their OH being unemployed if the OH is making an honest effort to get work either, FWIW.

It rather seems no matter WHAT happens, the OP is going to get it in the neck.

I wonder, OP... does he LIKE what he does? Would he be better considering a career change once you've gotten a job?

[RedRoom]

Alice, your initial post, aimed at me, was unnecessarily rude ('read FFS'), hence my reply.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

that's unfortunate that you feel that way. I hardly think "FFS" is going to throw most people into a tailspin

[SirChenjin]

I'd be pissed off if I had to work 7 days a week outside the home while DH was at home looking after the kids tbh - rightly or wrongly - and would probably be a horrible person to live with. Working 7 days a week year after year after year isn't good for anyone's sanity

So - what does he want you to do? What is the plan? Are there areas of his work that he could give up or could he take on someone else to help him cut down on his hours? Can you take on some of his work, as opposed to 'just' helping out?

If you haven't got to the interview stage - are you looking in the right area? Are your skills up to date? Are you applying for the right jobs? Is your CV/application approach the right one?

[NormHonal]

This all sounds familiar, OP. Watching with interest!

[BeCool]

He resents when I volunteer for anything - he resents my time away from him - he resents it when I read while he's watching tv because he'd prefer me to be watching with him.

He really expects every aspect of your life to revolve around him doesn't he? As if you are merely an appendage to him, rather that a person in your own right. It all sounds extremely claustrophobic at best.

So it's not being a SAHM he resents, but anything you do that doesn't revolve around him or he doesn't approve of?

[Bowlersarm]

He sounds like he's suffocating you. And that he will always pick a fault with whatever you are doing. If you worked he probably won't like you being out of the home.

Keep looking and applying for jobs, and hopefully you will be successful. In the meantime you need to pick him up on his appalling attitude towards you.

[SirChenjin]

Or - does he see it as you both having such little time together that he would like you to spend the very limited time together? Again, trying to put myself in his shoes - I'm working outside the house 7 days a week, DH has the week at home to do courses, voluntary work etc, I'm pissed off and resentful, and then when I do finally get home he sits and reads a book instead of spending time with me?

I'm not saying that is what happens in your house, but it's impossible to make a full and accurate judgement on the state of a marriage from a few posts on an online forum.

[Timeforabiscuit]

Have you sat down with him and made a plan?

You said it was unplanned 12 years ago, could you properly thrash out where you want to get to and work towards that together?

If you can't talk about it without it descending into a row, take a break for a couple of weeks and try again.

Do you know what you both want? Are you both prepared to move house to get closer to work?

[DaisyFlowerChain]

I'd not be happy to work seven days a week for the bulk of twelve years either. However you dress it up, being a SAHP is not a job. It's just being a parent that doesn't work. Likewise, childcare can be arranged so all those that claim their husbands can't work without them either have children for husbands or hide behind the excuse.

For the last twelve years he has had to shoulder the entire financial burden and provide for your every need. It's not to much for him to ask that you start to share that.

After 12 years of little employment, it's not going to be easy to walk into a job so you'll have to take anything going and work up from there.

[BeCool]

Daisy
You missed these bits in the OP -

FWIW he does nothing around the house and very little re our DC.

When I say he does nothing around the house I mean if he opens a drawer he doesn't even close it - if he makes a sandwich he will leave all the accoutrements on the worktop. If I nag him he will clear it away bar crumbs but it will usually lead to a row so often I say nothing. Thing is, pre DC when we both worked, he wasn't much different.

All of that ^ is work and a full time job! No weekends off either so long hours, and no holidays!

I wonder where all this out of hours rural (or even in the city) wrap around childcare is - that covers early mornings, evening and weekends?

Perhaps the OP would have better luck finding work as a CM providing wrap around care in her rural community ..... oh!?

At any rate if it all goes to plan pretty soon the OP will be in work, AND be doing all the housework and hands on parenting.