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No sex 11yrs - scared witless...

(234 Posts)
beansontoast77 Mon 25-Aug-14 08:46:19

So, we had the talk again last night. It was absolutely dreadful...He won't accept we're over...If I'm so unhappy, I have to move out. He said some horrible things. He's really hurt & shocked. I am petrified of going downstairs & to top it off it's a bloody bank holiday and our wedd ann! I'm stuck in a living hell! I am very afraid & I don't know what to do. I have nowhere to go & no £ to get there! This is the worst day of my life. What am I going to do?

Afraid in the sense of physically afraid of him? Can you nip out for milk and ring Women's Aid from your mobile?

If it's the future you're afraid of, make an appointment with a solicitor. How long have you been together? Are you married? Are there children? It won't necessarily pan out the way he says it will. Please try not to worry, you'll soon be out of what is clearly a horrible situation. Stay strong.

janx Mon 25-Aug-14 08:50:41

Sorry to hear about your situation. Do you have any family/friends nearby? Are you scared of him? If so you should try and get some support as soon as possible - grab a bag and go out for the day - bus into town and window shopping?

scarletforya Mon 25-Aug-14 08:50:49

Op, people have given you very good advice on all of your other threads. You need to break up with him, he is not going to agree.

Why do you keep going to him expecting him to sort it out for you?

janx Mon 25-Aug-14 08:52:21

Didn't mean that to sound glib re going out - just meant a suggestion of something to do. Agree with ringing WA if you need help

beansontoast77 Mon 25-Aug-14 08:53:17

I have nowhere to go. No family to stay with. I have told him it's over. He won't leave, what do I do next?

kaykayblue Mon 25-Aug-14 08:59:54

Do you have children in the home?

I would recommend making an appointment to see a solicitor as soon as possible. Apparently lots of places offer 30 minutes free appointments.

Go and see one, and ask them if there's anything you can do to make him leave.

But if the house/apartment is in his name, then unless you have children, I'm not sure you can force him to leave.

scarletforya Mon 25-Aug-14 09:04:55
beansontoast77 Mon 25-Aug-14 09:05:31

Everything we own is in his name! I have dcs at home. He has an empty flat he could go to but won't....I don't have keys. I have no idea how I'm going to get through today, I feel physically sick.

wallaby73 Mon 25-Aug-14 09:25:01

It doesn't matter whose "name" everything is in; the fact is you are married so "everything" is a marital asset......the law recognises that spouses give up a "career" to stay home and raise a family, and so protects people in this position. You need to see a solicitor pronto, just that little bit of legal knowledge is so empowering and willstop you panicking x

Are you married? If you're married it doesn't matter whose name things are in, everything is jointly owned.

Get to a solicitor ASAP. If you're scared for your safety, call WA and they will help you.

Xpost, wallaby smile

Flossiex2 Mon 25-Aug-14 09:50:08

You can't force him to leave at this stage but keep reiterating that your relationship is over and he needs to leave. Make it clear you will not back down. You might find he accepts things over the next few days.

Fairyfellowsmasterstroke Mon 25-Aug-14 09:55:33

OP - I've read back over many of your previous threads and the only certainty is that things have not got any better.

If you are at the end of your tether but he refuses to move out I suggest that you start to rebuild your life from within the confines of what you've got.

You need to start getting out and about (NOT with DH, I'm talking about you restarting for yourself). Go places and look into joining local groups (book clubs, knitting circles - anything that gives you time for yourself). Perhaps join a local gym and go when DH is available to look after DC.

Treat your living arrangements as being flatmates - that makes you free to restart your life and rebuild your confidence.

He appears to be content with his lot - you are not. You need to start implementing small changes to start to get your life back.

butterflybuttons Mon 25-Aug-14 10:00:42

Op - you have been told on all of your many threads to contact WA and see a solicitor - but you won't do either of those things. You just keep hoping he will leave - and he won't. You need to take decisive action. There will be a solicitor who can give you a free half hour of advice this week. Please will you find one and make an appointment.

Pinkfrocks Mon 25-Aug-14 10:23:06

Do you not have any friends or family you could visit for today?

Not being unkind but you need to DO something.

You've been asking for advice for weeks.
Posters including me have suggested you see a sol, try to put some money aside ( assume you don't have a joint account though you did say you had a credit card- and he complained you overspent) and start making plans.

You don't appear to have done any of this.

How old are your DCs at home? I thought you had 1 DD who was in care?

If you fear for your safety ring women's aid- or the police.
If you are just afraid of taking steps then you have to get over this and just do it- do you not have a friend who can help support you, in RL?

Fairylea Mon 25-Aug-14 10:25:11

Call womens aid.

Go to the benefits office or ring and make an appointment to see a lone parent advisor as that's what you are now.

Go and see a solicitor.

Have you done any of those things yet? Once you've made a start you will feel more in control.

Fairylea Mon 25-Aug-14 10:26:09

(Sorry I meant you are a lone parent, not a lone parent advisor! )

I agree with others that you need to start squirreling away money.

Pinkfrocks Mon 25-Aug-14 10:34:14

I don't know if she needs to squirrel money away- her Dh earns £170K she said- perhaps a solicitor would make him give her access to the joint assets?

Cristalle Mon 25-Aug-14 10:47:29

yes, call women's aid. please beans. i know your history. did you ever go to a solicitor. he doesn't get to forbid you from divorcing him.

Fairylea Mon 25-Aug-14 10:50:07

Pink yes that's true long term beans should be fairly well off but in the immediate term there is no harm in doing a bit of saving on the side. Every little helps and all that.

Op if you can get yourself to a solicitor today or tomorrow I'm sure you will feel much better.

beansontoast77 Mon 25-Aug-14 14:18:33

I have saved a tiny bit of emergency £. (not easy when you get irregular pocket money) & I have an appt with a lawyer next week. He has calmed down a bit now and wants me to give him a chance to improve things. He has suggested doing anger management. He has also agreed to see DDs psych in the unit for a long talk as he didn't believe it was our marriage failure that put her there. As for the future, I am not sure. I would feel safer with stuff in my sole name that couldn't be taken off me & there's only one way that's going to happen...Last night he was saying I had to move out..penniless. It was all very scary. He has calmed, but this is what always happens, at a minute to midnight he suddenly wakes up, sees the danger & does the minimum to improve things. I am still quite frightened.

butterflybuttons Mon 25-Aug-14 16:26:56

Will you phone Women's Aid then and get some help from them? Even if stuff is in your name it makes no difference if you are still married.

Fairylea Mon 25-Aug-14 16:35:34

You are married. He earns 170k a year. It doesn't matter that the house is in his name, it will be treated as a marital asset.

You are absolutely NOT going to be penniless.

You are young in terms of working. You can most certainly get a job in your 40s, even after a period of not working.

He is scaring you into dependency with lies.

So he's going to see your daughter to see if she concurs it's all his fault basically. Well obviously she's not going to say that it is (I don't think) and then he'll come back all triumphant saying it's all you and all in your head. You'll feel even more down.

He's a bully. A really nasty bully. The sooner you can get away the better.

Fairylea Mon 25-Aug-14 16:36:48

(I meant to add re your dd that she won't tell her dad he is a shit even if he is because children always want to see the best in a parent. But it doesn't mean they are right).

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