Narcissistic parents- why do I keep letting them upset me?

[TheysayIamparanoid]

Yesterday I veered between being very upset and feeling intense rage towards my NP. So many things I was going to ring up and say, but forced myself to wait till today, until I could think clearer. I woke up feeling calmer today, thankfully!

My sister is the golden child and they all live in the same village. Her and her family never want for anything. I used to be jealous of this, especially when I have struggled financially or when I had no support from them through cancer treatment.
Maybe they MIGHT care if i lived nearer, but then I realised that would be a much too high price to pay!

There have been far too many times when my DC have been ignored. My DD wedding was 4 years ago and although my mother came, he didn't, was too ill to travel the 2 hours (he wasn't, just couldn't be bothered)

Anyway, yesterday I saw photos of my neices wedding abroad (lots of hours of travel) And both NP were there. It was the final straw.
Its been a long time since i raged and cried as much as i did yesterday.

So today I have stopped any of that side of the family's posts in my news feed. I have finally seen them for what they are.

The thing I'm having trouble with though is how upset I still am that they don't care. I still feel like the 8 year old who, when told them I had been abused, they said I deserved it and was probably lying anyway, I remember that like yesterday.
How do I let go of being upset that they never really cared?

[peggylou1]

I'm horrified ! I can't imagine how you must have felt and still be feeling. Can you get professional help?

[TheysayIamparanoid]

I'm going to, realised that I need too!

[Dontlaugh]

Therapy is great.
Wishing you love, and healing (very un Mumsnetty), but in horribly similar situation and still dealing and healing. It DOES get better, but only when YOU decide it does.
We are not victims, but survivors. They don't dictate our futures unless we let them.

[LiveAndLetDie]

Just wanted to add my support. I don't have any constructive advice, but I do know what you're going through as have been going through something similar myself for a long time.

[TheysayIamparanoid]

I've tried to ask them about it lots over the years but they just say I am lying and a trouble causer
My daughters know what they are like but my son refuses to see it. They told him I lied and I think he believes them

[TheysayIamparanoid]

Thanks all..

I love my DC, I could never be like the NP, I guess I'll just have to find a way to accept they are never going to change, or apologise..

[Meerka]

How do you let go of it?

it's incredibly difficult. A very few people seem to be able to (genuinely) manage it. Most of us struggle because crappy parenting leaves us always hungering for the thing we needed and didn't get.

Therapy isn't for everyone but can be extremely constructive. But get skilled therapy - not just someone you can talk to and cry on, but who will (carefully) push, because there's usually layers and layers of pain and many of us end up kind of shutting it off and then you have to break down the walls.

Have you got a supportive partner or a supportive, trusted friend you can talk to?

Accept that it could take a long time.

Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, really. it's a very good book.

Regarding your son, unfortunately toxic grandparents can undermine the parent and can be ruinous. If you did / are able to cut them out of your life completely, is it possible to ensure no further contact between them and him? He might come to see them for what they are in time, but sadly it's not certain and the damage they can do is untold. It depends on his age though.

Have a read of the Stately Homes threads and some of the relationoship threads on toxic parents / in laws. There's a lot of really good advice there and a lot of understanding of the dynamics of the whole poisonous thing.

[bauhausfan]

Poor you :( I am in the same position - it hurts so much. I have had psychotherapy which has led to me cutting off my parents and two siblings (golden children). I am still in contact with one sister who is treated the same as me. I ask her not to talk about my ex-family to me so I can avoid thinking about it. They were starting to treat my son the same way so that was when I realised how fucked up it all was and walked away. It is lonely - BUT it was lonely anyway. There's nothing for me to miss because they didn't give me anything anyway. Hugs to you xxxx

[TheysayIamparanoid]

I'm single. I have tried to talk to some friends but mostly they don't get it, now i'm NC I think they think I should just get over it.
My son is 21 and although I know he loves me, he still blames me for splitting up with his dad when he was 13.
I've been reading lots of the threads you suggested and have seen so many similarities and many moments!
I am going to read that book

[furcoatbigknickers]

Going to NC was the best thing I ever did. Its very difficult for people who haven't been through this to understand.

[TheysayIamparanoid]

bauhausfan I have another sister but she was never treated as badly as me, so she refuses to see it! Many times growing up they told me that as the eldest they had to try discipline on me to see what worked!
I have never thought I was lonely but I realise i feel lonely in this

[Meerka]

you don't just 'get over it' but people from happy or happier families don't understand that, they don't have the experience. There was a thread here about just that, title was something like "AIBU to think that people go NC too easily". Might have actually been in AIBU.

Yes, it is lonely. Lonelier still when you have no one to even talk it over with. But you are right to go NC if that will make you happier and healthier.

Give yourself time and space to grieve, because you've had something similar to a bereavement; the loving family that we all want is an illusion in your case. It's really hard facing that they don't care and in fact in some cases want to think badly of you. Give yourself space to grieve over the loss of the family that you should have had but didn't. Someone suggested a rather interesting exercise on the Stately Homes thread; to write a letter stating what sort of parents you should have had.

I am sorry about your son. All you can do is state your truth plainly (while not deliberately badmouthing his father) and hope that he comes to realise the truth of it one day.

[TheysayIamparanoid]

Yes furcoatbigknickers I agree, most people think I'm being a bitch or a drama queen

[TheysayIamparanoid]

I should of said before that my dad is very ill, he can't get about easily. When he was diagnosed about 8 years ago, we were told he had 2 years to live. So he is worse now and has maybe another year tops. I was planning not going to his funeral, but I guess thats not an immediate decision (I project too much!)
You're right Meerka it feels like I'm grieving now

[bauhausfan]

I used to have quite a good relationship with the 'golden children' but basically they went from sympathising over my and other sister's treatment by parents to minimising it, to denying it and saying they didn't 'give a fuck' and that it was nothing to do with them. it wasn't minor stuff I am talking about here, it was very regular beatings, kickings, emotional abuse and regularly being threatened at gunpoint and being told we were going to be shot (dad was a policeman).

My siblings' rejection of the truth has really hurt me and I don't feel like it is possible to have a relationship with them any more. I protected them, literally, with my body, when my dad was on the rampage but now they are adults they have denied all this as my parents give them money etc and my brother is now employed by my dad and will eventually inherit his company.

I had a good cry about it a couple of weeks ago but I try really hard for it not to get me down. Why should I let those bastards ruin any more of my life?

[bauhausfan]

I was the eldest child too, btw.

[TheysayIamparanoid]

Also, they were foster parents and I used to get so jealous when the children moved on, I thought they were the lucky ones..

[Meerka]

aha, here's the thread I mentioned, well worth a read: here

[bauhausfan]

I have often fantasised about adopting new parents. I wish there was a place where you could do that (I am 43 mind you :) )

That's v screwed up about them being foster parents! The bastards shouldn't have been allowed near any children ever!

[TheysayIamparanoid]

bauhausfan
My dad used to say he wished h had a gun so he could shoot me

[bauhausfan]

I think the hardest thing is that they GOT AWAY with it. They are respectable members of society and I am the one chugging along with no family to care about me. I don't know how to deal with that really.

[TheysayIamparanoid]

Thanks Meerka will have a read of that!

I actually feel a bit better already, its a relief to find people who understand

[bauhausfan]

I do think, though, that having nothing to do with them is much better than the held in rage/ fear/ begging for love thing that I used to do. At least you have DC (as I do) so you can get love from your own nuclear family.

[TheysayIamparanoid]

bauhausfan do you have DP/H, DC?

[TheysayIamparanoid]

Sorry, X post!