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Vicious comments but "they don't really mean it".

(35 Posts)
feelingreallyanxious Sun 24-Aug-14 15:11:39

I have a few family members who think they can say what they like and get away with it without any consequences. In the past few weeks I have had very snotty comments from a couple of people and when I have pulled them up or talked to other family about it I have been told "oh that is just what they are like" or "they don't mean it really".

Now when I think something nasty about someone I have a filter that I use that tells me yes, go ahead and say that or no, if you say that it will cause a lot of trouble. In the split second that it takes to do that I can decide whether or not to say it. I can bite my tongue.

Shouldn't people be accountable for the things they say? I have been having this argument with a few members of my family. My stand is that if you don't mean something then don't say it. They are telling me to show people who can't keep their thoughts to themselves some compassion. I think that if you say hurtful things to me and my family I have every right to tell you to fuck off which I did

Thoughts please!

quirkychick Sun 24-Aug-14 15:14:14

I agree with you! Why should you put up with it?

Be prepared to receive lots of flak from the enablers, though.

quirkychick Sun 24-Aug-14 15:14:35

I agree with you! Why should you put up with it?

Be prepared to receive lots of flak from the enablers, though.

quirkychick Sun 24-Aug-14 15:14:44

I agree with you! Why should you put up with it?

Be prepared to receive lots of flak from the enablers, though.

quirkychick Sun 24-Aug-14 15:14:48

I agree with you! Why should you put up with it?

Be prepared to receive lots of flak from the enablers, though.

quirkychick Sun 24-Aug-14 15:14:53

I agree with you! Why should you put up with it?

Be prepared to receive lots of flak from the enablers, though.

quirkychick Sun 24-Aug-14 15:14:59

I agree with you! Why should you put up with it?

Be prepared to receive lots of flak from the enablers, though.

Fairenuff Sun 24-Aug-14 15:15:01

Yes, of course people should be accountable for what they say. If they weren't no one would ever be able to sue for slander would they?

In case of family members, I believe the standard response is 'Did you mean to be so rude?'

Fuck off will do just as well though.

quirkychick Sun 24-Aug-14 15:15:06

I agree with you! Why should you put up with it?

Be prepared to receive lots of flak from the enablers, though.

Mrsgrumble Sun 24-Aug-14 15:16:24

I have this problem too.

My mother friend said to me my face wasnt as fat as my last pregnancy and aren't my feet swollen, kept staring etc.

My mum said isn't it great she can be comfortable around us... What the f**k?

Rudeness has no excuse. I had a friend who was so rude (isnt is haboy to have a house so small theres no cleaning - a dig though the same, that dh must have his holy communion money ie. he tight!) if i pulled her up on it she would cry but then said she likes to call a spade a spade, needless to say, I don't see her much.

Meerka Sun 24-Aug-14 15:16:45

Yes, I think you should be accountable for the things you say.

If it's mild or occasoinal you can let it slide. But if it's big or often or bad enough as a one-off, you have to make a stand for your own self-respect.

Of course these people mean it. "They don't really mean it" is almost always a copout to try to smooth waters that sometimes, actually, shouldn't be smoothed. Bullies and horrible people generally win when people don't say anyting either because they want peace or they are afraid.

It's good to stand up to bullies, as long as the cost to yoruself isn't too high. Also, you never know if actually you are helping someone else by example.

quirkychick Sun 24-Aug-14 15:20:28

Aahh. New mobile site keeps repeat posting.

If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it.

trackrBird Sun 24-Aug-14 15:23:11

Acid test. If they don't really mean it, they can apologise.

feelingreallyanxious Sun 24-Aug-14 15:24:03

This week I was told by a close family member (who didn't get their way) that "you think you are so great, when things go wrong for you and they will, don't come crying to us because we won't be interested!"

Apparently they don't mean it and I shouldn't have told them to sling their hook.

Fairenuff Sun 24-Aug-14 15:26:03

Of course they mean it, who says stuff like that without some truth behind it.

Meerka Sun 24-Aug-14 15:45:40

suggest that when you stand up to them, you don't actually get into an argument. Keep calm, state your piece and then if they start trying to pick a fight walk away. Leave to go home if you have to.

You'll get a lot more respect that way and other people will find it harder to find fault with you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 24-Aug-14 16:08:26

It's a ridiculous excuse if you think about it. If someone routinely says things they 'don't really mean' then either they've got a really poor grasp of the language or they're lying. The person who told you to sling your hook if it all goes wrong sounds insanely insecure and jealous. I think they said exactly what they meant.

Castlemilk Sun 24-Aug-14 16:19:57

Just reply: 'Well yes I see what you mean. When I told you to fuck off, you see, that's just the way I am, too. So you shouldn't have taken it to heart. Next time you're rude to me and I tell you that you're a nasty piece of crap and to get out of my house, you'll know that's just me being little old me!'

Vitalstatistix Sun 24-Aug-14 16:24:07

Of course they mean it and the reason they say stuff like that is so many people are too chicken shit to pull people up on unacceptable behaviour.

That's what it is. Keep the peace at all costs.

well bugger that. If someone wants to be a shit, they can take the consequences of their choice. Why the hell should they be protected if they choose to be horrible?

Lweji Sun 24-Aug-14 16:37:33

Of course they mean it
Just what I was going to post.

They sound jealous.

Holdthepage Sun 24-Aug-14 16:45:46

I have a close relative like this, hide like a rhino when he's dishing it out, paper thin skin when anything is directed back at him.

SmallBee Sun 24-Aug-14 16:53:53

They do mean it but people saying 'I/they don't really mean it' are really saying, stop talking about this, you won't get an apology.
I really dislike phrases like this that sweep bad behaviour under the carpet. Another one I really hate is 'boys will be boys'. Nope. Everyone is accountable for their own behaviour, no excuses

Frogisatwat Sun 24-Aug-14 17:52:16

I worked with a horrible bully and when o complained to management I was told 'you just don't know how to take her' hmm

Sicaq Sun 24-Aug-14 18:00:01

"That's just his sense of humour, you see."

Most people will do anything to keep the peace - which to me is pretty shortsighted. Better to make it clear that you will not be manipulated, even if the rest of your family will.

scaevola Sun 24-Aug-14 18:23:00

People sometimes do say things they don't mean.

But that would be rare mistake, not habit. And properly apologised for.

Not your circumstances at all.

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