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Time to call it a day?

(59 Posts)
divorcedmumoftwo Sun 24-Aug-14 02:51:49

Have namechanged for this post.Not going to bore you with all the detail but short version is I left dh 4 years ago for another man, moved out with my two ds's. Had been unhappy and on ad's for a long time so wasn't a spur of the moment decision. Things haven't exactly been smooth as although dp & I get along great when just the 2 of us I am always torn between him & my 2 boys. Recently he has said some unforgivable things about my kids, so bad I can't even put it into words. I have no-one to talk to in RL as have isolated myself from friends and family since being with him. Advice needed - should I be calling time on this relationship?

2Retts Sun 24-Aug-14 02:55:31

So sorry you are going through this OP. The fundamental question you must ask yourself is 'where do my loyalties lie?'.

Do you really think your loyalty lies with a partner who shows nothing but disdain for your children?

You should not feel torn. You and your sons come as a package; you should feel supported.

2Retts Sun 24-Aug-14 02:56:47

Also, isolation is never a good thing; why are you isolated from friends and family since being with him?

divorcedmumoftwo Sun 24-Aug-14 03:02:37

Because I'm a very private person and nobody really knows what I went through in my marriage so they all think I was wrong to do what I did and leave my husband after 15 years. Some of my family don't even talk to me because of this. On the outside everything was good, we had a nice home, a good income and I upped sticks ad took my kids to a horrible rented house just because i needed to get out.

unrealhousewife Sun 24-Aug-14 03:02:53

Briefly, yes. Trust your instinct and run. He has got between you, your family and friends and now he is trying it on your children.

Don't feel like you have to make this relationship work to prove to everyone that you did the right thing leaving your ex.
He's nasty to your kids.... you can't stay with him.
Be strong and put them first and get out. I think that's going to make you happiest long term.
Hope it all works out

divorcedmumoftwo Sun 24-Aug-14 03:08:19

I won't be going anywhere. Having made myself virtually homeless once I promised myself that would never happen again so the house we live in is mine and I am financially independent. I think I knew the answer already but needed confirmation that my thinking was right so I will be staying put and will have to get dp to move out

divorcedmumoftwo Sun 24-Aug-14 03:18:31

Thank you LittleRedDinosaur, can't explain why but it's a signal to me

divorcedmumoftwo Sun 24-Aug-14 03:25:06

don't want to say too much for fear of outing myself but ds has sn and dinosaurs are huge for us

Sylvana Sun 24-Aug-14 03:47:47

You are doing the right thing by putting your DC first and ending this relationship OP. Its very sad you don't have contact with friends/family - do you have any support at all in RL ? Maybe you can re-connect with them. You sound like a lovely Mum and I really feel for you. I wish you and your lovely boys well and I hope it all works out for you xx

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 24-Aug-14 07:06:41

I think the decisions you make when you're in a very unhappy state of mind can be deeply flawed. Anyone can seem kind in that context. In the light of having ended a marriage you may feel a moral obligation to stand by your decision & lie in the bed you've made. If you're more confident & less stressed now you're probably applying different standards to this person. If he's falling short... adios.

divorcedmumoftwo Sun 24-Aug-14 08:59:22

I definitely think that's part of it, feeling pressured to make it work because of what i did. However, my most important task is to bring up my 2 boys in a happy,loving environment and this is not that

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 24-Aug-14 09:05:52

BTW... I think it's also time to be rather less private and give selected people selected highlights of why your first marriage ended. It's extraordinarily stressful and isolating to keep someone else's grubby secret for them - especially when they don't deserve your consideration. We all need a certain amount of privacy but, when taken to extreme, it can simply create a feeling of being disconnected or unworthy of affection.

Badvoc123 Sun 24-Aug-14 09:12:43

In short...yes.

divorcedmumoftwo Sun 24-Aug-14 09:19:20

Any suggestions on how to actually get him to move out? I did try once before after a nasty row (yes, i know, red flags should have waved in my face then) but he apologised and I gave in and let him stay

Squeegle Sun 24-Aug-14 09:20:26

Yes, it is time. Your DCs don't have the choice here, but if they did they wouldn't choose to live with someone for whom they are not top priority. And from what you say, it sounds like they are far from his top priority.

Badvoc123 Sun 24-Aug-14 09:20:42

Ask him.
If he refuses call the police.
If you feel intimidated call 111 and log it.
I'm sorry op x

Squeegle Sun 24-Aug-14 09:21:48

I think you just have to ask him nicely. If it turns nasty then you need to get others involved. What would be his rationale for not moving out if the house is in your name?

divorcedmumoftwo Sun 24-Aug-14 09:27:53

He has no-where to go? His exw got the house and everything in it but he he earns good money (not that I see any as most of it goes to her) Difficult to admit this but last time he disappeared with a rope and a bottle of scotch making me feel guilty for trying to end it. I still thought there was hope then. Now I know there is none

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 24-Aug-14 09:27:58

Ask nicely, ask not-so-nicely, then put it in writing giving him two weeks to clear out. If he still doesn't shift himself or if he gets aggressive, get the police involved.

divorcedmumoftwo Sun 24-Aug-14 09:30:49

The stupid thing is that if I had a friend in this situation I would see clearly that it is all wrong - why have I not been brave enough or strong enough to see this for myself before now?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 24-Aug-14 09:30:53

It's not your responsibility that he has nowhere to go but that's why you give him a few weeks notice in writing. As for threats of suicide, that's well and truly below the belt and not all that uncommon. So call his bluff, take it 100% seriously, call the emergency services (that's what they are there for) but understand that, even if he followed through, it really wouldn't be your responsibility.

Squeegle Sun 24-Aug-14 09:32:07

He sounds like an arch manipulator. I am sorry you are in this position, it sounds awful. Do you feel physically at risk if you were to ask him to go? Do you need to have someone else there with you?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 24-Aug-14 09:32:33

It's much easier to be brave and strong when there is no emotional connection to someone. Doesn't mean you're weak or cowardly if you're struggling to get shot. But this is why you need to ease up on the privacy thing. You need to reach out for help and support IRL and you can't do that by hiding the truth.

Squeegle Sun 24-Aug-14 09:33:33

I wonder also if he is part of the reasons that you have isolated yourself. It's convenient for him. Is there anyone you could involve/ speak to?

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