Thanks. I really struggle to gauge if it's a problem or not.
He enjoys social drinking; rarely though will polish off a bottle of wine by himself with the TV. This is much less since lo came along. For the last 8 weeks he's been out at the weekend to varying degrees but generally has at least a mild hangover or more.
He's unable to imagine not drinking. It often impacted on our life pre baby as in days were frequently lost to hangovers. But I feel (my perspective I note) that now it impacts on our time as a family due to his tiredness after going out, and also character.
This is an example: We have a 20 month old who he adores. But I've actually seen him get impatient and twitchy if the thought of cancelling plans occurs - eg we were about to meet friends (Nct group so not close friends ) for a toddler meet up at a country pub, for food etc. but also beer. Lo woke from nap very upset and to me seemed to have a temp. DH was trying to hurry him up, said "oh come on, we're going out for a nice time" really struggling to hide his irritation. I commented and he tried harder to be sympathetic. Lo perked up and we went out. DH drank several pints. Later when home lo started fussing and then screaming at bed time. I offered toast as he'd not eaten much (he can often be distracted when out and can be choosy) giving it to DH to give. Lo rejected it screaming for me. DH mocked him saying "oh well don't have it then" . I was shocked. I probably just bf lo then (this was a couple of months ago) who went to sleep. We then had mega vom from 2 am so he was clearly coming down with something.
He also runs his own company with a friend (from uni, they also worked together for several years before setting up on their own). It's apparently really important to go out for drinks regularly to discuss things.
I don't think if mind if he then didn't loose his temper over tiny things the following day or two after a night out. Eg house a mess (I'm working 3 days, teacher , toddler has had a lot of bugs from nursery, many of which I've caught, it's been a fucking nightmare trying to juggle everything.) I get so resentful and grumpy if I know he's going out or if I know he's had a bit too much. But I feel it robs us of him
I think he's been going out slightly more as I'm "off" (6 wk break) and this appears to mean he's freer to "have fun".
In retrospect I believe DH had a form of pnd - he was excruciatingly anxious about Los weight and height, and perceived fussy / slow to start eating, but started getting at me about it, seeing it as down to me and the fact I was breast feeding. He'd shout at me for bf lo in the morning or after a nap saying he needed food first etc. at one point he weighed lo weekly or more. Some of the drinking that occurred autumn - spring last year certainly followed the arguments we had over this. Lo was born underweight but within 10 days reached between 25-9 centile and has literally stuck to it since! (We have to weigh him as he's on prophylactic antibiotics weight linked dose)
DH believed 25th c too small. I'm slight and slim, he's average but naturally slim. He's just beginning to ease up about all that. Lo is soooo active and clever there can't be any issues!
I genuinely don't mean to drip feed, please forgive me. There's so much stuff to work out.
I've got a gawd awful strangling cough and stayed at home last night looking after toddler and trying to breathe while DH went to friends. I think I'm enabling him as I ended up cosleeping with lo to manage juggling work and clingy frequently poorly baby a year ago as I was bf and simply got more sleep. I couldn't rely on DH to either not go out drinking due to corporate events or work or with mates at weekends (run up to Xmas was tough as of course all events had to be attended, even if I was at deaths door with a chest infection) I decided I needed to give myself and lo consistency at night time. Plus lo stopped accepting daddy cuddles at night from 8 months.
Feeling pretty shitty right now! So I'm rambling,sorry.
I've written several letters to DH but not sent them outlining how I feel. I've realised he's a bit of a man child. He really should have had a dog as a child! He's struggled to understand lo as a young toddler, loving the tomfoolery when lo is happy, either puzzled or critical over toddler clingy ness and whingyness. Tells him to 'man up' . I'm seeing that he's finding more reason to be with lo as lo gets older and more talkative, so I'm hoping some of the last year is a bit of new dad adjusting.
Apologies I know it's better to do a fully bullet pointed list.
I'm thinking relate might need to be an option