Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
In love with a married man :( - loads of romantic crap, but still it's my life...(122 Posts)
May I just start with a warning - you will need some time to read this, it is long but I just wanted to include as many details as possible, to show how things are. I really need support...
My story is so typical and so cliche that sometimes I cannot believe it is MY problem as I always perceived myself as a down to earth woman, resistant to soap opera type of romance... but here I am, in the middle of something that changed my life.
I am a 36 year old woman, separated 2 years ago after 10 years of marriage (drinking husband), one DD. I had 2 serious relationships in my life and always very strong morals – never even had the temptation to cheat, always very careful and very sensible with men. So far I have slept with 4 man, never had a one night stand. Never ever I would imagine im my life that I can fall for a married man...
4 years ago I met a guy, he was employed by my company. He is 39 now, really nice guy, I liked from the beginning but just as a friend. It wasn’t anything special or intense, just a work colleague who I’ve always liked talking to. He is married with two little kids. His little girls has some sort of disability but I do not know how serious it is, she looks quite normal and healthy.
Once, at the party when the company was celebrating the big success he kissed me. He wanted to have sex and asked if he could come to mine later in the week. I liked it but obviously refused, bearing in mind his family and my rules. We talked about it later and both agreed it was a mistake, he apologised and explained that he was just wasted and I said the same. We never discussed that since.
It happened about 2 years ago and for the next couple of months our contact was just friendly, we were just work colleagues, there were days at work when we didn’t even talk and everything seemed to be normal and healthy. But I started to notice that there is something in the air and started feeling some sort of bond with that man. I tried to look at it realistically and kept thinking that he is just unavailable but I couldn’t deny that I like him more and more and he seemed to behave as if he felt similar. Hundreds of longing looks, smiles, little chats, all the obvious signs of body language. Everything very discreet because I felt so guilty about the fact that I fancy a married man and didn’t want people at work to notice anything and gossip and so on. Finally we started texting but these text messages were just friendly and not regular, a couple of texts maybe 2-3 times a month. I started texting him because the only logical explanation of his behaviour for me was the idea that he is a middle aged man, bored in marriage who probably wants sex and he hasn’t got any serious feelings towards me. I thought that if that’s the case – then I will be able to look at him as yet another jerk/bored in marriage guy, maybe dislike him and I will finally be able to move on from that situation. It all started to affect my work in a way as I couldn’t stop thinking about him and this odd situation, so I just wanted some confrontation.
In the meantime I found out that his wife works a lot, that he spends lots of time on his own with the kids, that his wife doesn’t give him too much freedom and he does a lot to please her. All these bits were coming from mutual friends naturally, I wasn’t asking about him, he was never complaining. We have never met outside work.
One day, after work, he just left the letter of resignation at our manager’s desk. Everybody was shocked that he did it because he is very successful at work and much liked and respected. People kept gossiping what happened, how come he could have left such a good job. The official version was that he wants to slow down his career for a while and focus on family, they sold the house and decided to move away to a different county. From what I’ve heard his new job is less paid and less challenging, people at work kept talking that he is making a massive mistake. However, he has never discussed that with anyone and when I asked him about it he just smiled in a bizarre way and said that he is looking forward to starting a new chapter, but I felt like it was just a polite answer to let me know he just doesn’t want to discuss that.
I was very upset when I found out that he’s leaving. I realised I will miss him and I just couldn’t imagine the company without him and , myself not being able to see him and chat to him. I had to admit that I like so much about that man - his intelligence, the fact that he is so composed, so diplomatic, always knows what to say and how to behave, not mentioning his sense of humour. There is and always was that natural flow when we talk, and we just feel so comfortable together. Still, I felt so guilty about being this way as I do not have the right to feel anything to a man who is married and with kids. His appearance is not my usual ‘type’ but I feel so strongly attracted to him, I just love both his looks and his personality. Obviously I was fantasizing about sex with him and felt both great and horrible doing it.
His leaving party was one of the most horrible experiences in my life. We all went to the same place that we kissed 2 years ago and the history, in a way, did repeat but without anything physical this time. We just talked, he was upset and stressed. I found the courage to tell him how I feel about him. I told him I have feelings for him and I feel both wonderful and horrible about it, and mostly guilty. I told him that I never wanted just sex so I would like him just to be honest with me and tell me that he just likes me as a friend and maybe has the hots for me, so I could move on. He was shocked, just told me that I know he has a family and cannot do anything against them.
I gave him a hug and went back home and cried half of the night. And then he started texting... we both started writing about how we feel about each other, how we dreamed and fantasized about each other. I felt like a slapper but I agreed to meet with him next day... but we never met. He had second thoughts and so had I. We spoke on the phone and texted again and he said that he had imagined our life together, he was thinking how it would be if we could live together, have children and make love every day. I was shocked, I would have never thought that he can see it all and feel it all in the same way, and so much intense as I do. I always saw him as a composed and rather reserved person, so for me it was so unexpected in a way, as if he finally let himself open to me and tell what really is in his head and suddenly he just stopped texting as if he just realised he said too much and/or he just cannot/shouldn’t feel this way.
On the next day he sent me a long message saying that we cannot carry on, that if we do, it will end in pain and misery for too many people, that there are children involved. He said that he takes full responsibility and apologises for it all and hopes that I can forgive him. I asked him again if it was all just fun/lust for him and he confirmed that in different circumstances he would want to be in a relationship with me.
He promised to meet with me once again, just to talk, in public place but it never happened, either. He just stopped texting, calling. I texted him a couple of times, emailed him and phoned him twice. All within 3 weeks, so I do not feel like I am stalking him. No response. All I wanted was to say goodbye, didn’t want him to change his mind, didn’t want to drag him to bed, no matter how much I want him.
I do not know what to do with myself. It has been nearly two months and I just cannot cope with all these emptiness, I miss him so much, I’d just like to see him or talk to him. On the other hand I know I have no right to do it, that I shouldn’t be even a friend to him as I do not believe in true and clear friendship between man and woman, it always leads to something. Married men should have close female friends, especially if they have marriage problems...
I know that he has been in a way unfaithful to his wife already... he haven’t had sex but our contact, these text messages and confessions are in a way like an emotional cheating. And for me, as a woman, that would be even worse... I do feel guilty, I keep beating myself about it all but still my feelings towards him are stronger than this guilt. I can refrain from sleeping with him and I try my best not to contacts with him anymore. But I cannot stop feeling the way I feel about him.
I am more than aware that if he would ever want to do anything with me, he should sort out his life and problems first. I would never want to be the other woman and I’d never want his wife or family to suffer. If he told me that he still loves his wife and want to try to save their marriage – I’d understand and wouldn’t leave him alone. I know I cannot be even friends with him but I just want some kind of closure to be able to sort it all out in my head.
I do not know what to do with feeling towards him, with all the longing, all the sense of guilt. For some reason and against all the logic I feel like I might have lost somebody who could be my true love... I am so unhappy and such a mess now...
You keep saying you want closure but you did tell him your feelings and he said no. I think you've had the closure! I'm not judging you but you need to recognise that you are pushing him and pursuing him. Don't do it! Life's not as sweet as you imagine with two step children (one with special needs by the sound of it) and an ex wife who will hate your guts.
Stop pursuing him.
You are after a fantasy. Reality is not going to match it.
Look at other things in your life and focus your energies there.
It will be agony. Then painful. Then hurting. Then gradually bearable.
But ffs he's not going to be the love of your life. So stop.
I do not think I am pushing him. I'd just like to hear from him, personally, that I need to leave him alone. So I could cut it off in a brutal way, as a polite way doesn't seem to work. My emotions are playing tricks on me in a way and I think I need to know 100% that he chooses not to do anything with whatever the feelings he has towards me. On the other hand, if his marriage isn't working, what is the point of staying in it... I have been through a family breakdown myself, I know how it hurts, so I do not say it lightly... In a way I think sometimes that this is just a joke, that it all must have happened to me, after all I have been through with my ex...
I need to know 100% that he chooses not to do anything with whatever the feelings he has towards me
You do know that. He's told you he's not interested.
On the other hand, if his marriage isn't working, what is the point of staying in it...
It's absolutely none of your business what he chooses to do.
Are you sure that the attraction isn't just because you feel rejected?
I never understand feeling attracted to a married man personally. Because if they reciprocated I'd despise them as cheating bastards. And if they didn't reciprocate, well you're not going to get much out of a one-sided relationship are you?
Leave well alone OP. You need to distract yourself in some way imho.
Basically he wanted no strings sex, and you didn't. Then you decided you did and then he didn't. Don't make it out to be anything else as he was shocked when you declared undying love for him.
why would you ruin 2 families for a leg over, and believe me thats all it would be to him - he's done it before hasn't he?
Let sleeping dogs lie
I understand how you got where you are now, and I don't judge it, but the fact is you've had your answer.
His way of saying to you to leave him alone is to cut off all contact completely. He has told you to leave him alone in words - ie that his family comes first, and in actions by never meeting or contacting you.
Of course you want to hear from him and you tell yourself that you want him to tell you in no uncertain terms it will never be, but really you just want to hear his voice.
I don't underestimate how painful this is for you, but he's made the right choice and he's not coming back. It's the right decision OP, and you have to respect it for your own sake as well as his family's.
I do know he put his family first. This is what he should do and for me it only proves that he is not some kind of dickhead. I am more interested in what he really feels though, this is the only reason why I dare thinking is his marriage is the one to be saved... and why on earth did he tell me the things about living together and the kids... he isn't that sort of a man, who would say such things lightly.
And no, I do not want him more because I was rejected. I am not an idiot, too old for that, have never been crying my eyes out after someone who didn't want me for too long. If he had told me it was just lust, I'd be over it already but I know he has deeper feelings for me, yet he is trying to do the right thing... which makes me respect him even more.
You have taken delusion to a whole new level.
Yes it hurts when the object of our affections does not reciprocate but seriously..... Your post is just dripping with me me me.
Why do you want to hear him say the words that he does not want to see you? He has already told you he isn't interested. The closure needs to come from you not him.
Let it go and move on.
You really think 39 is middle aged ?
Please. He's married and that's all you need to know. The 'status' of his marriage, happy or unhappy, is irrelevant. As a woman of principle (which I'm sure you are) you should consider him off limits to you even if he was 'willing' which he apparently is not.
Let it go. Do not contact him any further. Once a man (especially married) has said they aren't interested, any further contact by you IS stalkerish. Leave him alone and look for a man who is free to love you as you deserve to be loved, not some little hole in the corner arrangement in which you would always be the bottom of his list.
OP on second thoughts I really do think you need to take this advice to back off. Have you any objective view on how overbearing you've been? Do you think it is possible he moved jobs because of being uncomfortable in your attention at work (granted his own fault and I'm betting he's serially unfaithful - who just tries to kiss someone at a work do, when you're married?!).
I think you are in a sea of moral turpitude OP and need to pick yourself up and have a bit of a detox, dust yourself off.
I feel very sad for you reading your post. But agree with everyone else. It's just a fantasy for both of you. Respect the fact that he has put his family first. It's easy to be so intense when nothing is happening, or is likely to happen. He liked the fantasy, but that was all.
Forget about him. Do some things just for you. Someone else will come along who's right for you. It might not seem so dramatic or intense, but it will be real!
I already decided that I will not contact him and haven't for about a month. I know I need to move on. I just do not know how.
This situation, the fact that it actually has happened and come to that point, shocks me everyday because I would never ever pictured myself being involved with anything like it.
Basically you want to know if he loves you, but it doesn't any difference if he does and it would only keep you pining for him for longer if you knew.
He doesn't love you enough to be with you or ruin his kids lives for you.
If he really wanted to be with you he would be. That is your answer.
The fact he is completely ignoring you is all you need to know.
Would you really have been able to trust him 100% if he had have left his wife you? I'm sorry you are feeling like this and I hope you can move on
He doesn't love you, silence is one big fuck off.
Leave him alone & stop chasing a fantasy-RL is pretty dull unfortunately, find someone who can give you the moments of happiness that get you through that...
I wouldn't like him to leave his wife for me.
I wouldn't be able to cope with the sense of guilt.
If I was ever to be with him, I am well aware of the consequences - no matter how how it really was, no matter that there was no adultery - I'd still be the homebreaker, the slut, the bad one. I'd have to change job, house, community. I know that contact with his kids and his wife could be possibly the source of tension. Although I'd do everything possible to have a good relationship with his kids, to the extenct comfortable for everyone.
Please do not forget I split with my husband, and I already know how hard it is for everybody invilved,
I would not start on relationship with him until he'd be available for one.
I do not feel like I could be the reason for their problems - there must have been something wrong between them earlier.
All the comments about him being a regular cheater and player who wants no string sex as a pastime are in way irrelevant because I know him well enough to know he is a genuine man. My suspicions about him wanting sex only came from the fact that I was trying to be logical and read everything within so called common sense frame. However, his behaviour and his reactions I could observe for the past 2 years, as well as bits of information about his family life build up a picture of a person who might simply not be happy in his relationship. And this is not only my opinion but an opinion of his close co worker, decent happily married lady who is my good friend. She doesn't know what was happening and I was never asking her about him directly, it was more like general discussion about life and relationships, as at the same time her daughter has been going through divorce and i was freshly separated.
I have all the reasons to think that he kissed me then not because this is something he normally does, just for leisure, but obviously he is must have been missing something in his relationship already.
All I would like for him and myself to be happy and in healthy relationships.
If he does love his wife, I really hope he can tidy up his head and they can patch things up. I just don't think he does... he said enough to me to give me some stupid hope, that there are feelings, but he wasn't/will never? be ready to do anything about it. And this all is probably the bit that haunts me.
You've had your answer OP, he may not have phrased it "you need to leave me alone" but that's what he's telling you, loud and clear. It's clear that he was very interested in you, but that he's decided it would be wrong to act on it. Please respect his decision.
He has made his choice... Leave him to be where he has chosen to be with his wife & children. They need him more than you do.
How do you move on? You just do. One minute at a time, by keeping on with work, activities, and friends. Go out, go shopping, keep busy. Refuse to think about him, redirect your thoughts. Soon new interests will fill up your time and thoughts.
Men like him will never be truly happy. If he ended up with you, eventually he'd be texting someone else.
MOVE ON! He's a weak man. Feel sorry for his wife.
Find yourself a hobby. Believe that you deserve more.
You're obviously a caring, thoughtful person who deserves a lot more than he could ever offer!
Sigh. Just read your last post. IT. DOESN'T. MATTER. You are building up some fantasy scenario 'what ifs' in your mind where you and he ride off into the sunset. "I'd want a good relationship with his kids", "there must be something wrong with their marriage", "If I was ever to be with him", "I just want us to be in happy relationships" (by which you mean together), "if he loves his wife". Just STOP it. He's either a player and you are a fool or he is unhappy in his marriage and looking outside of it for comfort which makes you still a fool.
If he was a 'genuine man' he never would have kissed you, never would have made comments that intimated there could be 'more', would never have been alone with you in that kind of situation. Let me tell you something, you could lay down naked in front of my DH and he would turn and walk away. He would NEVER put himself in a 'compromising position' with any woman. He would never be unfaithful. If he didn't love me any more, he would tell me so and end our marriage with dignity. THAT is a 'genuine man', a man of honour. Your 'flirt' is the exact opposite.
Join the discussion
Please login first.