Given him an ultimatum now struggling with either outcome

[reallydontwanttoknow]

I told my 'D'P last Wednesday that after 3 years of being together I had had enough of his Ex Wife calling the shots on our relationship. We cannot have a future together if she refuses to let me be around when he sees his 3 youngest children (2 oldest live with him and get on fine with me).

She is very manipulative and likes to have him available whenever she needs him, she doesn't like me (he left 6 months before we got together) and generally believes that if he is not available then he is neglecting the children.

She ruins (and he allows her too) Christmas, Valentines day, Birthdays, Bank Holidays etc. We don't have a normal life together and I feel like his mistress!

I understand that he has responsibilities towards his children as I have I and my ex to ours but we also need a life!!

I have reached breaking point having been let down so many times and have told him that if he doesn't stand up to her by next Wednesday it's over between us.

He has now said that if we are not together we cannot work together which means I am going to lose my livelyhood and the job that I really enjoy (I'm self employed and work for him organising events)

Sorry if this is a bit jumbled but I'm really confused about everything. I know it can't go on as it is because I want a proper relationship not part time after all this time together.

[reallydontwanttoknow]

Sorry, forgot to say he has a week to make changes - he's seen the kids and Ex Wife today and yesterday and will again tomorrow and Tuesday. I have to make myself scarce during these times, no contact.

[irrationalme]

Get another job

[reallydontwanttoknow]

Thanks

[Frogisatwat]

Thats helpful irrational! Nice.

[tribpot]

Yes, the first priority is to start looking for another job, so that whatever the outcome your livelihood isn't threatened. I think he's got some bloody nerve, basically trying to force you to back down on your ultimatum by issuing one that hits your bottom line. Personally I don't see how you could have a personal or professional relationship with someone prepared to behave that way.

Why give him so long to implement changes? It seems extremely unlikely he intends to do so.

[Frogisatwat]

I am not very helpful either but thought I'd irrational was being too pissy to ignore

[badbaldingballerina123]

Personally I couldn't put up with this so I think you've done the right thing. I think his comment about not working together anymore if you split would tip me over the edge.

[LittleMissRayofHope]

Yes, very manipulative comment re working arrangements. Shows his true colours really.

Sounds like he is never gonna stand up to her so id start reorganising your life without him.
Sad but maybe your dodging a bullet

[magoria]

So unless you put up and shut up you will have no money to support yourself or your children.

He sounds caring!

Start putting the feelers out for new work asap so that you are not in this vulnerable position no matter how things work out over the next week.

I don't blame you for wanting out.

[Fairenuff]

I agree, change your job so that it is entirely separate to this relationship.

[OneSkinnyChip]

He won't change. And I agree start getting other work lined up. You were right to give an ultimatum now you need to see it through. Find the kind of man you deserve.

[Twinklestein]

It's not just his ex who's manipulative is?

Would he really want to force you to stay in a relationship by threatening you with losing your job? Who does that?

[Twinklestein]

^it

[LittleMissRayofHope]

Even if you somehow stay together... New job. I would take that counter ultimatum as a sign of things to come and you need to protect you and yours. Find new income ASAP and then worry about your relationship

[irrationalme]

I'd also investigate employment law here. You are self employed and work for him are contradictory terms.

Are the T's crossed and the I's dotted? I have a business and it's quite complicated contracting in self employed people, to prevent business owners from taking the piss. HMRC draws a firm line, maybe he's crossed it?

[Bessiebigpants]

Why are you to have no contact with the younger children? How did this come to pass? It's strange that in 3 years you ve never been able to have contact.
He is going to choose his children,you need to be planning your exit,if his ex has that much control there is no way things will change in your time frame,or indeed ever.Look for a new job ,new home and make yourself a new life.Its reasonable to prioritise his children It's not reasonable that he spend so much time with his ex It sounds very odd IMHO.Are you sure that their relationship is over? I'm just wondering if she is now the other woman in an emotional affair type situation.

[pilates]

Why is it you are good enough to have his older children live with you and presume look after but you're not good enough to be involved with the younger ones?

He doesn't sound like he wants to change.

I think you need to look for alternative employment and a life without him if he doesn't change his ways.

Good luck.

[lunar1]

Is she the mother to all his children? I don't think you can blame her really, he is the one who you have a relationship with and it's his choice how he treats you.

[HumblePieMonster]

Ditch him. He obviously doesn't care enough about you to put your needs first. His attitude to you is disrespectful.
'Get a new job' was good advice.

[eyebags63]

So his XW is a manipulative bitch and he is trying to placate her so he gets to see his kids.

You are saying he has to 'stand up to her' (what does this actually mean/involve in your mind?) or else the relationship is over.

He probably fears he wont get to see his 3 youngest kids if he makes waves with this woman, so you are, in his mind at least, asking him to choose between you and his kids. Sounds reasonable.

[Nomama]

Threat and counter threat... not a good way to sort out a relationship!

But I'd agree you need to find another job, regardless of what happens over the week.

[Castlemilk]

Leaving aside all the stuff with his ex, I would absolutely dump him quicker than kicking shit off my shoe for the comment about work.

That is absolutely evil: basically threatening you that if you don't continue the relationship, you'll be out of a job.

Manipulative
Nasty
Untrustworthy
Immature

Leave him to his ex!

[Toohardtofindaproperusername]

You need to have sex with me to keep your job???? Please seek legal advice. I know nothing about law but tread quietly while you research what that might mean that he said it - and keep evidence or records of EVERYTHInG!
Oh -and once you know your options sue the ass off him
Sorry - feeling furious on your behalf and second many of the other posters who are raising issues about this mans ethics/morality/ manhood
Aghhhhh!!!!

[CromerSutra]

Poor you, what a horrible situation for you. I agree though and think an ultimatum was the only way to go really. The fact that you are not allowed to be around when he is with his ex and younger kids is just awful.

[reallydontwanttoknow]

Thanks everyone, sorry I went AWOL, I do really appreciate all comments. Nothing has changed apart from him getting more stroppy with me, I do understand how difficult it is for him as his Ex will pretty much stop contact or make it very nasty - she is happy to cause a scene in front of the children and upset them, which is why I have stayed away.

There is a contact order via court/Cafcass which is ongoing but there isn't anything stopping me from being around the children. She did try to make up things about me but after allowing them to do checks on me (I have nothing to hide!) I wasn't considered a problem.

She is happy for the older two to see me as she doesn't have much choice in the matter, they are also very difficult teens and she cannot handle them.

So, tonight it is over, I knew he wouldn't do anything so it's finished. I know I 'made a threat' but seriously, I had to give some kind of timescale to put a stop to this crap. I can't see him ever having a relationship - his ex will always cause trouble and never allow him to have a life. It's sad, but not my problem any more.

With regards to work, I'm hoping he will get used to us not being a couple and we will be able to work together, it's not daily, events are 6 weekly and I know what I'm doing with the organizing so I don't need to have much contact. If he can't handle it then I'll figure something out, I'm not reliant on him it will just be a shame as I love what I do.