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New baby but suspect husband is cheating!

(25 Posts)
blondebaby111 Sat 23-Aug-14 11:52:07

I posted this in antenatel but I think I'll get more help here, we have a beautiful 7 month old dd and things have been great. But just lately I can't shake this feeling he is cheating on me, I'm so paranoid almost to the point where I'm picturing scenarios in my head then getting very cross/angry and upset. It is causing a few problems and making my moods change dramatically. Is this a sign of pnd??

My dh is being supportive to reassure me but I'm looking for any little thing, if he's on his phone too much, not enough, when he's in the loo im banging on the door accusing him of being on his phone. At times I just don't recognise myself but then other times I just can't shake this horrible gut feeling that's something is not right.
I just wondered did anyone else go through this as things do change when a baby comes along , if my dh is being truthful to me I generally feel sorry for him because I'm being a nightmare!!! But on the other hand it's silly little things like always keeping his phone in his pocket when he never used to!! Do I need to just get a grip and maybe go to the gp??

LadyLuck10 Sat 23-Aug-14 11:59:09

I think it's a good start to see your gp first. It does seem a bit irrational over just the phone issue. Have you noticed something else that's made you feel this way?

blondebaby111 Sat 23-Aug-14 12:09:30

He has a new female manager who had just promoted him and they do spend a lot of time together in the office, he knows alot about her, I suppose that has started furling al this, randomly popping into work on his day off all tarted up, it's loads of little things that all build up. I'm coping otherwise in all other aspects of my life, love my beautiful dd to bits but it's just this little problem with him. I know I'll end up pushing him way if I don't stop, I can't bring myself to e nice to him anymore just in case he's lying, I feel like I'm putting on an act!!
But another thing is I tagged him in some photos of us together that we had took at the weekend and posted to Facebook and he's removed the tag coz he hates the photos of himself so now I'm paranoid over that, I think I will go to the gp, whatever the outcome of this I may need something to cope with it all before I make myself I'll x

myroomisatip Sat 23-Aug-14 13:22:39

Ask him outright to hand his over phone to you immediately and let you read the messages etc.

Do not give him the opportunity to delete anything.

If he refuses then I think you have your answer.

maras2 Sat 23-Aug-14 13:32:18

Trust your gut feeling and don't let anyone tell you that you have PND untill you see your doctor and get an official diagnosis.Good luck. Mx.

CatKisser Sat 23-Aug-14 13:34:25

Ask him outright to hand his over phone to you immediately and let you read the messages etc.
Sorry but if a partner did this to me they'd get pretty short shrift! I don't think anyone should be demanding to see their partner's phone at any given random moment!

creekyknees Sat 23-Aug-14 13:38:59

I was exactly the same after DD was born.

I couldnt understand if it was all in my head and i was being irrational and dramatic because of hormones.

My now ExP called the HV because he was so worried about me and asked for advice. To cut a long story short i went on to be diagnosed by the GP with PND and prescribed anti depressants which helped me enormously.

4 months later i found out the bastard had been cheatinghmm

See your G.P in case its PND but listen to your instincts.

blondebaby111 Sat 23-Aug-14 13:51:21

I've told him all my fears to the point where he says nothing is going on. He's so reassuring and then. Feel likening being an idiot. He has told me it's got to stop, he dreads coming home as I'm so miserable lately and all I do is accuse him. But I'm so miserable coz I think he's cheating and I can't be happy and laugh with him as I'm unhappy inside. He did hand over his phone but tbh he's not an idiot, he wouldn't leave anything on his phone for me to find anyway but I think the phone is being hidden just in case she txts or calls and I see it. Ohhh and the phone is occasionally on silent. I really do feel I'm going mad as it's taking over my life just thinking about this, if he is doing it he's a blood good liar and If I find out he is it's over, he literally would've broken my heart, we've been together for over twenty years and tried so hard to concieve our little girl x

blondebaby111 Sat 23-Aug-14 13:55:24

creakyknees that's so awful!! I'm so sorry, hope your ok now x

Pat45 Sat 23-Aug-14 13:56:31

OP even though you are a new mum you are not stupid. Try not to panic too much and keep a very close eye on things. You are in charge of your emotions. You don't need to react so badly every single day and you are only damaging yourself. Chose your moments. Be perfectly nice to him. Ask him to pose for some photos that he does like and post them on FB. If he is keeping his phone so close to him you need to tell him that this makes you anxious at the moment. He should show you the phone to reassure you.

Is this your first baby? If so, some men tend to behave like dickheads after their first born. I think it hits them that they have real responsibilities. Set time aside to spend quality time together even if you can't leave the baby with a sitter. He might be feeling left out with the baby (not sympathetic by the way but it happens) and flattered by the attention at work.

Creekyknees - if that happened to me I would be in prison now for murder.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 23-Aug-14 14:05:16

"Randomly popping into work on his day off all tarted up"

"I think the phone is being hidden just in case she txts or calls and I see it. Ohhh and the phone is occasionally on silent"

These don't add up to a woman being irrational with or without PND. I don't think you are fixing on trivialities and making 2 plus 2 add up to five. Something is going on but it doesn't have to be him being unfaithful, he could be just toying with the idea or in the throes of a flirtation or an infatuation but no actual "unfaithfulness" has taken place yet.

In your position I would keep my powder dry and stop with voicing your fears to him while watching and waiting until I had some concrete proof one way or the other. You've given him fair warning of your suspicions so he's had plenty of opportunity to cover his tracks if there are any to cover.

creekyknees Sat 23-Aug-14 14:13:40

I would like to say i booted him out immediately but unfortunately i begged him to stay with me and ditch 'Mrs Marks and Sparks' which he eventually did.

I had to put up with the tosser for another 6 years before he finally left blush

The strange thing is that i do think i had depression but not PND, it was purely his presence and behaviour that triggered it after DD was born.

By the time i realised he was the cause it was too late and he'd wheedled his way back into the home and i convinced myself i couldnt get rid of him because DD had got to an age where she loved him.

I wish i had a time machine to go back and shout at myself!

Speak to your HV or G.P Blonde but keep your eyes open.

It was our dog who finally uncovered ExPs shitty behaviour. Its strange how things happen!

blondebaby111 Sat 23-Aug-14 14:21:52

I did think that by voicing my suspicions early I've given him plenty of time to cover his tracks rather than just keep quiet and wait for him to trip up. I think he found fatherhood a massive struggle in the beginning so maybe just a harmless flirtation, who knows. I've checked her out on Facebook and didn't think at first that she was any kind if threat but who knows! I'm definately keeping quiet now and I think I will go to gp to just make myself feel a bit happier, thanx for all your replies and creakyknees you wasn't to know, we all do things that we think are best for our children, hope your happier now and it all worked out ok xx

Pat45 Sat 23-Aug-14 14:29:03

I agree with Creeky, you are probably anxious (maybe not depressed) and I don't blame you. It seems like the normal reaction for anyone whose husband's behaviour has changed recently.

Creeky - please tell us how your dog uncovered the truth?

creekyknees Sat 23-Aug-14 14:44:14

ExP has been out on the piss with his friends after work and left his work boots in the kitchen The dog must have spent the whole night slobbering on them and having a good chew!

I picked up the insole that had been chewed out of one of them so i could dry it out on our crappy storage heater and saw her bloody phone number written on the bottom!

She got a phone call at 7am in the morning from me in a right state. I was only going to listen and see if it was a male or female voice but once she answered all sorts of crap poured out of my mouth.

The only sad thing is that the old dog only lived for 2 years after that and never saw him leave angry

I'll have to name change after this, everyone who knows me hoots with laughter at this!

blondebaby111 Sat 23-Aug-14 14:44:25

pat45 yes first baby, a very much longed for baby and I must admit in the beginning I did suspect hubby had the name version of pnd as his moods was very odd but we got through all that and he seemed fine and now this, time will tell. I'm very curious to know how the dog found out too confused

creekyknees Sat 23-Aug-14 14:48:17

I should add that this was 14 years ago which is why i find it funny now, at the time i was a devastated mess sad

Pat45 Sat 23-Aug-14 16:28:38

Blonde, my EXH told me 19 years ago that he thought he had PND. He was being a lazy shithead so I had no sympathy whatsoever. 18 years later I hear of it more often. I don't know if it is true. My ex was always prone to self-obsession. He hated the focus being off him. My brothers didn't get it and my dad didn't get it raising 6 kids on his own. My EX is still self-obsessed. Maybe I am being harsh but ... I don't know.

All I can say is that you have my support. Everyone thinks when a baby arrives that everything will be fabulous. You see Parenting magazines with babies smiling in soft blankets (in my house covered in puke). Raising children has it upsides but a lot of it is a long slog. Posts of MN reflect this. Becoming a parent changes the dynamics of a relationship. Men can walk out the door and women can't.

Just be kind to yourself and stop sending yourself on a rollercoaster of emotions. You can play the long game. Worst case scenario - you will actually be ok.

Creeky - OMG most people check pockets, phones, wallets etc but never ever check the insoles of shoes. You have opened up a whole new search regime. Sorry to hear doggy died without seeing the happy ending. I am going to share your story with all my friends. Thanks for update. I hope things got better!

Pinkballoon Sat 23-Aug-14 21:36:20

If you think there's something wrong. there probably is.

I had the same odd behaviour from my ex during pregnancy and after birth. He made me feel responsible for his odd behaviour and told me how unhappy I was making him as I was always miserable apparently. Cagey with phone and coming in late from 'work.' Only thing he was helpful with was endlessly rushing out to get shopping (opportunities to use the phone.) Even disappeared the morning after the birth (totally non contactable when I was in hospital that day.) And when I returned from hospital (by taxi) after being readmitted, he walked past me in the hall without a word and left the house for the rest of the day. He didn't take any paternity leave.

I rushed to the doctor thinking that I must be suffering from PND without realising and that he must be reacting to me in some way. The female doctor asked me to go through why I was there and I explained that I was having such a bad effect on him that he kept disappearing for days on end, walking out on me etc. i.e that's how bad I was! (I'd internalised it all as being me!) Doctor said HIS behaviour was very strange for 'a grown man' and wouldn't give me AD's, suggested counselling etc. - but he wasn't prepared to do any childcare to allow me to go!

Anyway, cut a long story short - my DD picked up his phone one day when he left it behind by accident. She wanted to play a game on it. Shock of my life (or perhaps not) - he'd been seeing women all the way throughout the pregnancy and afterwards. Spoke to one and she confirmed that he'd told her about all the others there'd been.

When I went back to the doctors a few months later she commented on how visibly better and happier I looked. That was because he wasn't in my life.

Trust your instincts.

Egghead68 Sat 23-Aug-14 22:42:36

Trust your gut and look for any evidence on the quiet. I wouldn't discuss it again with him for now.

blondebaby111 Sun 24-Aug-14 13:25:09

Omg this is so hard. I know things aren't the same. Last night (sat) if we are in on our own no company we generally order a takeaway and watch a film together, he went up upstairs to watch dr who and some other crap that I won't watch and left me downstairs. Low and behold this morning he watches dr who again. I questioned him about watching it last night to which he said I wasn't really taking it in, ohhh really!! Why!! I really feel like I'm losing the plot, I just can't be around him. He is so different at times I don't recognise him and I certainly don't feel like part of a couple right now, it's us and him x

CromerSutra Sun 24-Aug-14 13:35:35

Op, I had bad PND and I was quite paranoid, anxious and obviously depressed. However, my dp was cheating on me so I was right about that! The changes in his behaviour do sound suspicious, it's not just you .

TheWorldAccordingToJC Sun 24-Aug-14 16:09:35

Well this all depends

You say you've been together 20 years. Have you spent those 20 years like this, suspecting him of all sorts and displaying jealous / paranoid and OTT behaviour? Have you always been given to this sort of thing? If the answer to this is ' yes' then this is probably your issue to deal with and I pity the poor man.

If the answer is ' no ' then I would absolutely trust your instincts. Don't fob yourself off with ' oh it's depression/ a new baby / PND etc. trust yourself. I've been here - a feeling that I couldn't shake off. I just KNEW something wasn't right. It's happened with two partners in the past. I picked up on tiny things ... A mobile on silent , a mobile in a pocket , a reluctance to hand over the phone so I could borrow it to make a call etc etc. I was right both times.

I'd stop going on about it now. Just drop it for a while and keep an eye out. There is no point in keep going on - you're not gaining anything. Just keep it all on the down low and watch and wait. Time will tell if this is you or if he really is up to something . Providing your answer to my first question is ' no' , I'm veering towards him being up to something

badbaldingballerina123 Sun 24-Aug-14 16:49:45

I'm with others who say if you think something's going on it probably is. I wouldn't say any more about it for now. That doesn't mean you can't say anything about the general state of the marriage though. It's not fair that he sat upstairs on his own all night for instance. It's also not fair he watched the same program again if it meant you were left looking after the baby.

There's no reason you can't tell him you don't feel part of a couple and ask him what he's going to do to put your marriage back on track.

3mum Sun 24-Aug-14 19:00:57

My exH only admitted recently that he cheated on me shortly after our first child was born (with hindsight probably not the first time but almost certainly the first full affair rather than one hight stand). I knew he was being bratty and unhelpful and staying late at work a lot but I put that down to the strain of becoming a father and not being the centre of attention any more (he always was an attention seeker).

When he finally fessed up to this, things suddenly made a lot of sense. If only I had honed my cheat radar at the time I could have saved myself the next fifteen years!

I also think we suspect things for a reason. Keep your powder dry.

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