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Shocked at H's outburst(1000 Posts)
Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..
I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.
He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..
Personally I wouldn't be getting over that.
I am extremely sensitive to
personal verbal attacks and there is no way in hell my DP would be saying that to me and then us getting back to normal without a discussion about it.
I did suspect at first that maybe he had called time on your marriage in his head, but then you said he had done this before and threatened divorce but things resolved themselves. Are you sure there isn't anyone else on the scene? This does sound like the actions of someone who doesn't have the emotional investment in his family that he once had.
Hello and a big hug
If I were you, I would make two cups of coffee and take them up to DH. I would sit down and say, I'm sorry, yesterday was just awful, please can we talk about? And let him speak without any interruptions, just listen and hear what he has to say. Then you speak and ask him to listen without any interruptions either.
Bloody hell I would not be making him coffee after he threatened to punch me in the face!!!!!!
Hi op. Several points jump out at me.
He never apologises.
He threatens divorce
He won't discuss incidents.
Silence or over exaggeration
You mention that he tells you that you moan too much. May I ask what it is you 'nag' about. Nag is often a word used to demean women. If your dh husband forgets to pick his dirty pants up off the bedroom floor every day and you mention it,would that constitute 'nagging'? If he left a knife on the kitchen surface in reach of a toddler and you mentioned it, would that be nagging?
I think there may be more going on in your relationship then this outburst. It's just this outburst is harsher than normal.
Have you heard the term stonewalling?
Why did he drive you back home? Was that your decision?
Not to excuse what he said but driving on a bank holiday weekend is very stressful without arguments. Add a disagreement into the mix and he flipped. He may have felt it wasn't his fault and resented being blamed.
There is no excuse for what he said, though, none at all.
We drove back because I refused to stay there. Yes, he was stressed out, and the kids were screaming in the back before the argument.
I don't know what stone-walling means. Emotionally, he rarely talks about his feelings. He is the product of a really bad marriage (his parents are still married, live in the same house, but haven't talked in over 20 years). When we married, he was extremely kind and empathetic. He still is I guess, but we had a tough time after the birth of out eldest daughter (sever pnd).. He's not really into discussing emotions-I know if I made the coffee he would ignore me..
He says he said what he did cos I blamed him for forgetting DC's shoes. He said 'it was the way I said it'. I do get quite shrill, I guess, but I feel so hurt he threatened me...
Ex used to say I nagged and wasn't fun. It's all bullshit, I had to nag because he was incapable of simple things including the safety of our son. Ask yourself if you are happy being with this man for the rest of your life if you live in fear of him going into a massive mood about small things. It sounds to me like he just didn't want to go.
I do love him, and I want to be with him. I just don't know how I can forget what he said. You know about the imaginary line that should never be crossed? It feels like he not only crossed it, but he took a great big dump over it too. I really did think he would hit me
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Yes I understand about the imaginary line.
Google stonewalling and see if it makes sense.
In what ways is he kind and empathetic?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I'm sorry to hear about your Mum You must be really worried about her.
Do you still have PND? Do you fuss/stress/worry about 'everything'?
I think it's all very easy to say 'LTB' or 'Get over it' - but I think you really need to try to work out what's going on here - where his outburst came from? IF you love him and IF you want to stay together.
Was it the eldest or the youngest he had put in the car without shoes?
If it was the youngest and she isn't walking or hasn't been walking very long, then putting her in the car without shoes would have been an easy mistake to make and one fairly easy to sort out unless you're going to the back of beyond and does it really matter if she didn't have shoes for a weekend? If it was the eldest, then yes, it was a stupid thing to do, but shit happens - again, fairly easy to fix.
So - does he have cause to say you nag/treat him like a lesser parent/go off on one all the time? Or is he someone who never thinks about 'stuff'?
You say he's a good Dad - is he really? Does he think about basics for them does he actually look after them when he's around or does he just earn a wage and play with them when HE wants to?
Having driven to the destination, of the only holiday you take every year, why did you insist he drove home again - I'd have been pretty pissed off too and probably removed myself from the situation. He was going to be in a rotten mood for a bit whether you went home or stayed and kids are kids... the kids were screaming & shouting because they were upset/scared or just being kids stuck in car seats - I don't understand why driving all the way home again seemed like the solution to you?!
Personally I think 'Shut the fuck up' isn't that big a deal. Sometimes you just get to the point where you can't take any more of being 'got at' about every little thing. You say it's the first time he's ever done it...so it's not something you are having to live with all the time.
I think you need to look at the whole dynamic of your relationship. He doesn't talk about his emotions, so he's obviously been bottling his frustration at the way you talk to him for a long time (his fault not yours) but it sounds like he had a thoroughly miserable childhood and 'not speaking out' was probably the best option for him then. It takes a lot to change deep seated stuff like that.
Is 'Or I'll punch your face in' something he would have heard at home a lot?
Either way, that's clearly unacceptable - no matter what and you need to make sure he understands that - but first, I'd be getting your dynamic sorted out because it sounds like an explosion long coming. Trying to talk to him about 'what he did wrong' as soon as you got in last night was a bit daft - he needed space to calm down - as did you.
I agree with FabU - he,s replicating his parent's marriage....
Haven't talked in 20 years?! WTF?!
Only you can decide if you want to "treat" yourself and your kids to a future like that....
I am a single parent. I tell you, it,s so much more peaceful not having some wanker permanently in your home blaming you for his awful life....
I can't believe yous didn't go on the holiday! That was ott IMO. Wasn't it supposed to be for the kids?
What he said was wrong but once in seven years wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. There has to be a back story if he is usually lovely etc. I know you said about the shoes but were you having a serious go at him? Why not just stop at a supermarket on the way and buy some more?
I think you refusing to go on holiday is quite dramatic.
I think I might call his bluff on this one.
Ignore him and when he surfaces give him the "Oh are you still here? I thought you were leaving?"
You do need to stress to him that threats of physical violence are taken very seriously by the police these days.
I don't think the op decided to go home because the little one didn't have shoes. It was because he told her to "shut the fuck up" and threatened violence. Much more understandable as far as I can see.
Sorry I'm not really awake yet and forgot to add that I wouldn't have stressed about the shoes either, but Always didn't deserve her husbands reaction. No one does.
You only take long weekend as as holiday in whole YEAR? Is he tired, stressed, burnt-out? Absolutely NO excuse for threats but it sounds like he might be shut down? Breakdown?
Get professional help -gp, counseling, -can he talk to anyone?
Yes. I don't think I would much want to go on holiday with someone who had threatened me with serious physical harm.
OP - it is a little worrying that you keep trying to blame yourself for this. I know if I went on abs on my dh would get in a grump but he wouldn't get violent and we would talk and sorry it out later. If you feel unable to talk to him about any of this then how much room is there for a future in this relationship?
I used to get accused of talking to XP in the wrong tone or with the wrong voice.
Usually it was when I was upset or saying something in he didn't want to hear. Oh and he would be screaming the accusation at me and never seeing the irony of that (I never screamed at him). XP was very EA.
OP this sounds dreadful and it sounds to me like there is a lot more going on. I'm guessing he said what he did to shut you down pure and simple, and now he is trying to think of the best way to manage the fallout - stonewalling, threats to leave, maybe eventually some grovelling.
He has some major issues that only he can fix. If he wants to. If he engages with them. And I'm not seeing him do that.
My take on this is that your 'very good husband' is often unpleasant towards you in the many subtle ways you describe and this outburst represents another little ramping up of that. You're now at a new level of normal... the boundary has been pushed. I really don't buy the idea that just because his parents don't talk to each other, it's OK for him to be cold-hearted and refuse to consider other people's (your) feelings.
There's not enough information to call this emotional abuse but it that tends to be how it starts. A child arrives, the behaviour of the person gently deteriorates, the subject is made to believe they are unreasonable, 'a nag', falling short, and kept on the back foot with small incidents that - in isolation - others are going to say 'it's a one-off' and 'give him the benefit of the doubt'.
Zero tolerance. Don't let this one slide.
The "shut the fuck up" I could get over and forget as one moment of a human being just having enough within an arguement or because they have realised they made a stupid mistake.
The " or I will punch your face in" goes way over the line. If my hubby said that to me it would maybe be the end of our relationship because that I could not forgive and would always wonder if it would one day be followed through.
I would explain to him why what he said is so wrong and if he doesn't see that would question if he was the man I thought. Think that could destroy any relationship even if he never said anything like that again or did anything psycial. Every arguement you would be worried he may snap. He needs to realise that.
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