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Signs you're the OW(51 Posts)
Just that really.
So many threads about there being an ow but some may not know they are the ow. Especially if the man doesn't live with a partner.
did anyone find out their date...etc already had a gf and what are the signs.
I worked at a software company on a mainframe computer in the 1980s. Someone sent me an anonymous message. Then next message he signed his name and the next message he asked me out. Cute sexy man, but I only knew him by name and sight, but had never talked to him.
I told a female co-worker this guy asked me out and she said, "Really? He lives with his girlfriend and their child."
I sent him a message asking him if lived with his girlfriend and child and he came back with "Yes, but..." and a lot of blah blah about they were only living together for the child and they weren't really a couple anymore, blah, blah and I, like an idiot, bought it hook line and sinker.
It took awhile for me to figure out they were not yet broken up. The final straw was he let slip he had been to his out of town high school reunion the weekend prior and he had taken the girlfriend to it. A light bulb went off in my head and I threw a drink on him and walked out of the restaurant.
Knowing what I know now, I would never go out in the first place with a man in such a living situation - no matter what the man was telling me to explain it.
I went out with someone who turned out to be married with a dc. He was cagey about when he saw me and when I could call. I was his week day girlfriend as he lived apart from his family during the week (in a flat in the city, they were in the country) It was all entirely obvious once I knew, but I was young and naive and took him at face value.
It lasted three months until I found the "happy birthday daddy" card hidden in his bedside table
Signs that your man is married;
You never meet any of his friends, or more importantly, his friends' wives or partners
You never meet any of his family, or they act uncomfortable around you
You don't know where he lives or have never been invited to his home
He never calls you from home, he's always out and about when he calls you
He only gives you his work email and/or phone number
He sounds vague or cryptic when you call him or in a hurry to get off the phone
Your dates always take place in a town other than the one in which he lives (or always end up at your place, never his)
He's always 'unavailable' on weekends
He always pays cash when he's with you (or with a company card)
Bottom line, if you think he's married or in a relationship, he probably is.
When you get a phone call from the woman you have been told is just a housemate demanding to know what your relationship is with the man you thought was your BF! Yep, this happened to me and was a complete shock - it wasn't obvious as he lived in a different town but travelled for work...
I also had a lucky escape when someone I met at a friend's child's Christening (of all places!) asked for my phone number. After he called asking me out, I rang the mutual friend and mentioned in passing that so-and-so's ex-H had called to ask me out, which elicited the response 'what do you mean ex?'.
I had a really horrible moment once when a woman asked me if her relationship with xxx had had any influence in my relationship with him.
I said 'no' (and that's all I said) because I thought it was a really odd thing to say. We were all in a group and going out together and I had no inkling that he was actually in a relationship with her as well.
But I can imagine my response made it sound like I knew and just didn't give a fuck.
I used to look at their perfectly iron shirts (with crease down the sleeves) and wonder....they weren't living with mum(cos mum lived in another city), they didn't have the wherewithal to send them to the laundry, so..??
Spect I could have given the acid test and asked them to iron one of my tops to similar perfection but ..
This, in conjunction with some of AtP's points, made me back away. Always.
Biker that definitely wasn't my husband you were dating. My ironing is deplorable.
I used to look at their perfectly iron shirts (with crease down the sleeves) and wonder.
Perhaps I shouldn't have taught my Teen DSs how to iron shirts. It may get them into trouble.
When you give out your phone number to someone and the next day his wife rings and wants to know who the hell you are, and why your numbered in his trouser pocket!! Suffice to say, I told her that I had no idea he was married as he had conveniently forgotten to tell me that little detail, then kicked him into touch pronto.
'number is in his trouser pocket'!!!
When you spend your days mooching about your expensive flat that you don't pay for, in lingerie and high heels.
Maybe not then.
I met up with my ex as some of you may know from the dating thread.
There was a travel toothbrush in the bathroom that got me thinking whos was that.
But we've been in friendly touch for 3 months. I stayed over night on a weekend, his flat mate saw me, he took me to the restaurant next door to his home which he frequents alot and is small and medium they know him, he paid by debit card, there were lots of other things too now I think about it that he prob wouldn't do if he had a gf.
Maybe the travel toothbrush was his.
Small and medium. .....bloody autocorrect...small and family run lol.
I wouldn't get het up over a toothbrush. They have a way of breeding.
Tampons, knickers etc less easy to explain.
I found out I was the OW- guy's wife had left him ( genuine) but she came back and he forgot to tell me
I didn't find out for some months because we lived some distance apart and there was always a 'reason' why we couldn't go to his place- such as the fact that his lodger was there ( ha ha)
I found out gradually by having dates cancelled last minute, phone calls made from phone boxes ( this was pre historic times before mobiles) and a general cooling off.
I decided to pay a visit to his home...
I went on a date with a guy several years ago - really liked him, spent some time together - several dates, stupidly slept with him and then he cooled right off - for months I really couldn't figure out what had happened.
I had his number on my mobile and (showing the technology of the day) on MSN, so if he popped up on there he'd say hi sometimes, explained that he had broken up with his long term ex who had cheated on him prior to us meeting and he was a bit 'tender' from it all. We'd talk every so often and discuss meeting but nothing ever came about.
About two years later he moved into the area I was living in; he messaged me wondering if I wanted to go for a drink one night and we actually met up. I'd not long split up a hot-tempered ex who thought the world revolved around him, so was quite happy for distraction.
Had a lovely, lovely night - chatted about all sorts, about his ex and how sorry he was and how guilty he felt - he liked me (blah blah) but 'wasn't fair on me'. I got drunk (nervous), we kissed a great deal for hours by the sea and then he drove back around 3am in the morning.
Chatted for weeks after that, but always at specific times that were not limited to working hours. We saw each other a couple of times but he would constantly be attached to his phone.
Facebook was sort of up and coming in these days, so not everybody was on it. I'd joined and was being nosy like you do, entered his details into search and found a profile. Had a poke around, security wasn't as tight in those days. Saw lots of pictures of same girl. Clicked on her profile, found out she and him got engaged two days after one of our 'dates' - where we'd gone beyond kissing, etc.
I never really brought it up with him, but never met him again. He'd text me and I'd bat away - he'd ask to meet every so often, tell me about how he 'misses' me. At one point I considered telling his partner, but figured it would probably be denied. I kind of wanted to be proved wrong about him in my naive youth.
He carried on texting me as a booty call/ego boost for another year, until I took a screenshot of his wedding album/profile photo and sent it to him. He'd got married a month earlier.
I have a suspicion I was the OW twice in my younger days. Both casual sex things so no expectation of commitment. Both had "ex girlfriends" who they discussed in that over exaggerated eye-rolly way, as if trying to make clear to me that they were exes and there was no interest there.
Interestingly, that's also what my ex did when he was having emotional affairs online while we were together. "Oh SHE'S online again she's got no life she's always here, no I don't want to talk to her I'll just sign off, she's so BORING" etc. Then the minute my back was turned he'd be in contact with her asking what she was wearing etc. Gross.
Lots of rampantly arrogant fuck tards exist in this world.
Oops, just to point out I didn't think any of this at the time, only with the benefit of age and hindsight did I realise I might have been the OW. If I had suspected back then I would have ended it.
I'm not suggesting that you play games as such but next time you're together, see what happens if you try to playfully scratch his back - a married man will never let you anywhere near his back/skin if there's even a hint that what you're going to do will leave a mark.
Sister of a friend was dating guy who was very flaky about keeping arrangements and quite often uncontactable for hours. Eventually with a show of modesty he told her he wasn't supposed to tell but he spent a proportion of his spare time doing charity work specifically taking calls for the Samaritans. Hence being unavailable so often. What a big heart! A big fat liar too.
I dated a guy for about six months when I was a student. Met a gang of his friends etc, but only went back to his place once or twice (it was immaculate and lovely, he said his flatmates had done it up).
He told me he lived with a couple, and it was to save waking them up that we never went back to his - on one occasion, we slept in his bloody van OUTSIDE THE FLAT and I didn't think it odd - he had a dog and was concerned that creeping in at 2am would make the dog bark.
It wasn't until 6 months in, and having sent a postcard to him from a holiday, that me and some friends went to ring on his doorbell to see if he wanted to come to the local fair. Some girl answered the door & I asked if he was in. She immediately guessed who I was, used my name and proceeded to SCREAM abuse at me from the doorstep. Took a good 30 seconds for me to realise what the hell was going on. I just ran, never explained to her or apologised. Hopefully by standing there like a f&cking goldfish on her doorstep, she will have realised I had no clue of her existence.
Another time, a guy I was seeing took me and one of his friends out for dinner. I ran into her in a bar a while later and it transpired we were both "seeing him" at the same time and he took us both on a date together! (maybe he was trying for a 3some?!). thankfully we found it hilarious by then, she was a nice girl too. I mean if you're going to be cheated on, it might as well be with someone bright, sparky, pretty, right?
I got a strange phone call from a woman I didn't know to tell me that "he" had been arrested coming back into the country and charged with fraud. He was an actuary and he had been involved in money laundering and was at that time being held in ford open prison. I asked the woman who she was "Oh, I am his ex-girlfriend, he wanted me to tell you" I asked her if his wife knew, she said "yes, I think so" I had been suspicious because all of our dates were in London, out of town, rented cars, no landline telephone calls, calls at strange times, if I rang him he would always have an excuse and ring back later. So I found his home address and telephone number and rang his wife. She denied he was in prison, denied she knew anything about his double life, but she knew.
A year later the wife wrote a piece for the daily mail about her husbands illegal activities, call girls and girlfriends, his flash lifestyle and the fact that she had no idea. She knew, but it made a good story.
Hmmm I am likely being paranoid then.
I went to his flat on a Friday night, stayed over, his flat mate saw me, he took me out, for dinner, etc.
But a pink travel tooth brush in the bathroom....open as if it had been used recently. Maybe.
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