Picking myself back up after a split.

[Imarriedaknob]

The basics are I have split from my husband of 15 yrs. He was acting strange for months blaming work stress we were arguing due to frustration as he would not help himself and I really thought he was having some sort of mental breakdown. I asked so many times if there was someone else he swore not and I believed him. He was staying with a mate (he said) and we were getting on well really thought we had turned a corner and always thought we would sort it out so had been coping quite well with the kids etc.

Then the bombshell I found out he was seeing someone else. Ive begged him for the truth and he keeps lying. Says started after we split even though I was of the opinion and he had said we were not heading for divorce. Every time I find something else out (we work together and everyone is talking about it) he admits a bit more. Hes admitted to 6 dates and sleeping with her. I was beyond shocked and just keep asking him why he would do that. I feel totally betrayed he was everything to me and an all round good guy so shocked is not the word. The kids are devastated and I have been a bit of a mess although I have had loads of support from the best friends. He couldn't apologise enough and said he has ruined his life etc and Im ashamed to say I begged him to come home and sort this out, but he wouldn't saying he knew I could never forgive him and we would never get passed this. To be honest I know hes right and Im just finding it really hard to accept that we are really over.


Im on tablets and signed off work. Im usually so strong and can deal with anything but this has really knocked me. My confidence is at an all time low and I really don't want to let this get the better of me. I still love him and miss him so much. Ive been keeping busy but the days are so long and I cant stop thinking about how my so called perfect life is shattered. Im convinced they are now together even though he said they are not but he has lied so much. I don't want to hate him but the thought of them living happily ever after when Im so sad is just unbearable. Im pretty sure its been going on longer but I just trusted him.

[ninetynineonehundred]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. No experience of what you are going through but didn't want you to think that no one had noticed your post.
I'm sure that someone else will be along soon with similar experience.
Take care of yourself. X

[YvyB]

So sorry :(
I haven't really got much advice except to say be gentle with yourself - you don't have to prove anything to anyone at the moment. It does get easier eventually but it will take time. If you're getting through each day and looking after your dcs then you're doing brilliantly.
Keep a list of practical things that worry you eg paying a bill, changing the name on a utility account and sort one thing a day as this will help you to feel a little more in control and confident in yourself.
Make use of your friends too - if they're genuine ones they won't care how many times you call.
Sending you hugs x

[NYCHIC]

I think it's reasonable for you to feel sad and down. So give yourself permission to have these feelings. Grieve, scream, cry There is no time limit on how long you can feel down for

Glad you have good friends that you can spend time with and that help you feel good about yourself to rebuild your confidence Use them as much as you can. If they are good friends they will be there for you.

[Cabrinha]

You don't want to hate him?
Well, long term no.
But it's fine to have some justifiable rage now you know.
Lean on your friends, see him for the cheating shit that he is. Happened after the split, my arse.
Be kind to yourself, but allow yourself to feel the rage too.
Then start to move on and leave the lying cheating scumshit behind. x

[ninetynineonehundred]

One thing that I'm learning from my own situation is that the way you see things and feel changes infinitesimally every day.
Each new revelation or realisation moves you closer to a new place, even though you didn't think you would ever get there.

I told my parents this weekend that my marriage is over. For me that is the biggest thing I've ever done because it makes it real. There is no way I could have done that 6 months ago when my stuff started.

You are caught in the ' i want this to be a bad dream ' stage. So am I. I can't say how it will end for either of us but I do know that we are stronger than we think!

Keep breathing in and out, keep eating, putting one foot in front of the other and looking after the kids. You are doing better than you think.

[Imarriedaknob]

Thank you. Ninety I really hope you the best of luck too xx and Cabrinha I actually smiled at your post scumshit is a new one on me but definitely a one Im going to use from now on. x

[Handywoman]

agree entirely with ninety

you are doing brilliantly.

this is a process, a process of change. allow yourself to feel these feelings. Lean, lean, lean on your friends.

I repeat: you are doing brilliantly.

[heyday]

Betrayal and the loss of a loved one are huge emotional nightmares to get through. I have been betrayed very badly recently be someone who I thought loved me. The pain is indescribable at times. But, like all bereavements, and this definitely a bereavement of a kind, it's a process of working through the endless minefield of emotions. Personally I feel more driven when I get angry at this person and this can give me a bit of strength to get through another day. I try to only be angry for a short while before I get a handle on it again but it can really give me a bit of an adrenaline boost when I am feeling so deflated.
You will, and I repeat, WILL, get through this and the sun will shine again one day but sadly you have a very long, dark tunnel to travel through before you see that glimmer of light.
Be kind to yourself.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Sorry to hear your world has imploded OP, what a selfish man. I remember posting on a thread by you earlier this summer.

Lying his head off, faking work stress, giving you false hope. Refusing to wear his wedding ring yet swearing he wasn't involved with anyone else.

You have every right to feel knocked sideways, take one day at a time, draw on support from friends, so many MNers will have practical advice for you x

[ninetynineonehundred]

How are you doing today?

[Imarriedaknob]

Not bad today thank you ninety. Just had a few tears usually this time of night think I'll have a sleeping tablet and go to bed lol x x How are you have things picked up a bit?

[Imarriedaknob]

Another long day to fill after waking up with that awful dread In my stomach when I remember.

[MillyDots]

I would guess that he is definitely with her and in a relationship with her. That is why he has said he won't come home, not that you will never forgive him etc. If he no longer wanted to be with the OW and wanted to be with you then he would be begging for your forgiveness and trying to win you back. But he Js not. However this relationship he is in might nor last and he might still come a knocking on your door. Whether you want him back is up to you. But for now you must take each day as it comes and work in making yourself feel better. You will get to a better place and then life won't seem so bad.

[Imarriedaknob]

While I too think it is still going on it is these thoughts in my head that make things so hard. Im constantly thinking about them been together and its driving me mad. How can I try to forget?

[MillyDots]

All you can do is start doing things for yourself hard as it is. Make plans and go out with friends. Start a class in something you fancy. Have a makeover. Change tour hair, makeup, new clothes. Superficial I know but its about rebuilding your self esteem. When you feel more positive about yourself everything will feel a little bit better.