Weeks away from giving birth, DH won't stop drinking, think our relationship is on the rocks and I'm miles from home. Any advice?

[slowburner35]

I've been married for a couple of years to a guy who's always been a bit of a drinker. It's been causing problems between us on and off, and I've found myself starting to think of him as an alcoholic. His dad died of alcohol related illness and he does sometimes acknowledge that drinking is "an issue" but not one he feels he needs to deal with right now.
I'm in my third trimester of my first pregnancy and things seem to be intensified - maybe the fact that I'm not drinking means I see his behaviour as more abnormal. He drinks a bottle+ of wine on his own most nights, can never have just a couple of beers and leave it at that -drinks to get pissed and 90% of the time he's a horrible drunk.
We've always had quite an intense relationship, big rows and reconciliations, but over my pregnancy the intense making-up has fallen away. Our sex life has all but vanished - he's too stressed to be in the mood ever...which I find really hard to handle.
He's recently taken on a stressful job to support me and our family which I know he finds really tough, but he takes out all his work stress on me.
He's also going through a custody battle over his son from a previous relationship, which is obviously really difficult and puts a lot of pressure on us financially and emotionally (his ex is a huge pain in the ass wherever possible). Ditto taking out the stress on my from this situation.
He really is an excellent dad and when he's not stressed out/drinking, a lovely guy. I also adore his kid and we have a good relationship.
Just to add to the mix, we've moved for his work so have little to no support locally. Both our families are miles away.
The situation that triggered this post is that I had a false alarm yesterday - thought I was going into labour. We agreed I probably wasn't but he nonetheless hooked into the booze (meaning he couldn't drive to the hospital if needed).
I feel like that's a sign that he's not going to be able to get his shit together, and that I can't trust him - and if he's this reliant on alcohol now, how's it going to work when we're operating on no sleep with a newborn?
I'm totally financially dependent on him at the moment and I feel totally trapped. What the hell do I do - do I need to find a new birth support person (is it fair to cut him out of being at the birth?) and then about the relationship overall?
Am really feeling lost and panicking :(
I have been loving this pregnancy but now feel terrified about giving birth alone, and raising a kid without any help.
Appreciate any advice.

[FrontForward]

So sorry you are experiencing this. I know you are frightened of going it alone but I can honestly tell you you will be fine and you probably don't realise how much he is making laife harder for you. You are effectively already going it alone (or worse because he's dragging you done)

90% of the time he's a horrible drunk This is so telling

Bad relationships often take a further dip when a baby arrives. It's well known. I would also say that bringing a child up with a drunk in the house is a pretty horrible thing for that child. If you leave (I really hope you do) make sure you get midwives support, can you move back with family? People will rally around you

[PotteringAlong]

He's also going through a custody battle over his son from a previous relationship, which is obviously really difficult and puts a lot of pressure on us financially and emotionally (his ex is a huge pain in the ass wherever possible).

Is she? Or is she trying to protect her son from an alcoholic father?

[Sunna]

If it's at all possible please move back home where you will be with people who care about you and your baby. You don't need the stress of living with a perpetual drunk at this time.

He won't stop drinking because he doesn't want to and it's more important to him than you and his child.

[tribpot]

He's engineered a situation where you are virtually powerless and where he can feel like the victim (I've had to take on this stressful job because I have to support a family = I am entitled to blow off steam any time I choose to cope with that stress).

This is not a good place to be as you embark on an extraordinarily difficult phase of your life.

If you can, act swiftly. At the moment there's only one of you to move/feed/house. Can you move back to your parents?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your H's primary relationship is with drink (not you) and he loves drink more than life itself. His thoughts are based on where the next drink is going to come from. His late father was alcoholic; that fact alone should have made you think long and hard. Alcoholism can sometimes be learnt.

Relationships characterised by big highs and deep lows are often recipes for disaster anyway. Given his previous relationship history which is also bad (I would also think his ex is trying to protect their child from his drunk dad) why did you ever become involved with him at all?.

Is he really a good/excellent dad, no he is not. You're kidding yourself. Women in such situations like this often write such guff because they can think of nothing positive to write about their man.

You feel trapped because you are trapped - this has been engineered by him and he can play victim as well.

He will not stop drinking, the impetus to do so has to come from him and him alone. He has said that he does not feel that he has to deal with it, he may never well deal with it. You cannot wait around for the next 3-5 years waiting to find out. That will really mess up yours and your child's life. I would suggest moving back to your parents with a view to legally separating from him and bring this child up without this man in his day to day life. Such men are both in denial and selfishness personified and he will likely not care ultimately about your as yet unborn child either.

[magoria]

It isn't going to get better when you have a child and are knackered from the first few months.

He will still drink. You will still have blazing rows which this child will become aware of. He will be fuck all help as a nasty drunk and you will do it all while really vulnerable.

Would you want to leave a defenseless child in the care of someone who has a bottle + a night, can't just have a few and is vile 90% of the time? Why would his ex want to.

Go home where there is someone who won't get drunk when you are at your most vulnerable.

This is a shit relationship with an alcoholic.

[slowburner35]

Going back home is no longer an option (long flight which I'm too pregnant to take, amongst other reasons). I'm stuck.
He is genuinely an excellent dad - patient, caring, never drinks around his son. His ex is a habitual weed smoker - they both use their time away from the kid to indulge. Not my choice, but not much I can do about it.

And it's possibly only me that thinks he's an alco - he's functional, holds down a serious job, he's not a hobo style falling-down drunk - it's just he seems to need to drink almost daily. Is a bottle of wine a day crazy excessive, or am I just being hyper-critical because of pregnancy hormones (his view)?
How can you tell if someone is officially an alcoholic? Not defending him, and I obviously think it's a major problem, but could I be pathologising a relatively harmless dependency? (most people I know have a glass of vino or two most nights...)

He hasn't engineered the situation - me ending up being financially dependent on him was unforeseen. But he definitely is using the fact that he's the breadwinner to "justify" being shitty or drinking.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

There are various parameters for defining an alcoholic but, ultimately, they don't revolve so much around the specific quantity & frequency of alcohol consumed (although that's significant) but more the attitude & behaviour of the drinker and the impact on those around them. Call it alcoholism, alcohol abuse, heavy drinking, binge drinking... doesn't really matter. That he doesn't drink around his son is irrelevant. Children are not stupid. He's behaving like an arse towards you, you find it unacceptable and alcohol is fuelling that behaviour.

[CinnabarRed]

A bottle + per night is excessive. No question.

[BravePotato]

He sounds like an alcoholic to me

You can get away by car/bus/train, does not have to be plane, or does it?

[PigletJohn]

You can't cure a drunk, you can't help a drunk, you can't have an adult relationship with a drunk.

He is not going to be a safe or beneficial parent and you can't turn him into one.

[Charliegirl21]

There is such a thing as a functioning alcoholic which he could be. Lots and lots of alcoholics appear on the surface to be fine and no one would guess but that is a front and when they get home and drop the act, that is the real them and the place they are in at that time. You are seeing the real him and as hard as it is, you need to make decisions based on the behaviour he is exhibiting at home.
The fact that drinking changes his behaviour for the worst is a sign that his drinking is a problem.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Not all alcoholics sit on park benches drinking all day long; many of them are what are known as functional alcoholics and hold down jobs (well currently anyway). That may well not last with your H, he could end up being fired from his workplace. The fact too that he does not drink at all around your son is irrelevant, your H has a physical dependency on the stuff.

Is your knowledge of his ex mainly based on what he has told you about her?.

What is the longest period of time that he has actually gone without drinking?.

His drinking is affecting your life and he has himself stated that he does not want to deal with his drinking. You need to properly wake up to the reality of the awful situation you find yourself in and preferably before your child is born. Protecting your own self better along with your child will be a good start. You cannot remain with him in that house any more, all that you are doing now is propping him up and enabling never helps anyone.

[captainproton]

Please believe me as a child of an alcoholic, that no alcoholic parent can be described as an excellent parent. To be a good parent you need to be ready and able to deal with any problems having a child may cause.

You need to get some real life support and if this guy is not even close to realising he has a problem or wants to do a thing about improving you are best off leaving him to it. It may sound harsh but you're going to have a lot on your plate soon with a baby and being miles away from home, you don't need his shit to deal with too.

I really can't understand why anyone would choose to raise a child with an alcoholic it's an awful, awful, experience.

[rookiemater]

How will you get to hospital if he is too drunk to drive you? Have you asked him to stop drinking when you are getting to your due date - and if so what has been his reaction?

[captainproton]

I suspect that you won't leave your husband, I think you are as much in denial as he is. I understand that, we were in denial for over a decade with my mother. Who worked full-time with special needs children btw, ook it out on us her children when at home alone with us. It took her say 25 years until she got sacked for drinking on the school premises and then it all went down hill rather quickly.

Please don't leave your baby in his care if he has been drinking. I am thinking about the fact babies are tiring, and it's easy to fall asleep with one on you whilst laid in bed or on the sofa. It's hard to stay awake if you are drunk or hungover, and it's a high risk factor for death when co-sleeping. Your DH may not be that safe pair of hands you will want to utilise when you need a break.

[Bunbaker]

"And it's possibly only me that thinks he's an alco - he's functional, holds down a serious job, he's not a hobo style falling-down drunk - it's just he seems to need to drink almost daily."

He has a drink problem. It isn't you being paranoid.

"Is a bottle of wine a day crazy excessive, or am I just being hyper-critical because of pregnancy hormones (his view)?"

It is way too much alcohol. Like all people with drink dependency they always make it seem someone else's fault.

"He really is an excellent dad and when he's not stressed out/drinking"

I have lost count of the number of times I have read this on MN. He isn't an excellent father because alcohol comes first in his life.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it sounds like you are in denial about his drinking. Most people are lovely when they haven't been drinking, but the fact is you shouldn't be walking on eggshells around this man. You shouldn't be making excuses about his drinking. He should be lovely all the time, not just when he hasn't had a drink.

How are you going to get to the hospital when you go into labour? Will you have to call an ambulance?

[slowburner35]

Is leaving and taking the baby away the only option? Does no one think it's possible to somehow change the situation..? Stage an intervention, or something - I don't know. I guess I was still hoping we could somehow get through this.

Good point captainproton - sobering thought. Bad pun not intended.
I can get to hospital in a cab if needs be. Not ideal, but possible.

[BeCool]

Does no one think it's possible to somehow change the situation..?
Only if he wants to change and makes the change. And it sounds like he isn't anywhere near that point.

You can't do this for him. It's something he needs to want to do, and then actually do for himself.

[Vivacia]

There is absolutely nothing you can do to get him to stop drinking. You're going to try, but it won't work. It's more important to him than you and his children.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"Does no one think it's possible to somehow change the situation..? Stage an intervention, or something - I don't know. I guess I was still hoping we could somehow get through this".

Short answer is no. There is no "we" in your relationship either; he has already stated that he does not want to deal with his drinking. There's your answer right there. Any staged intervention (and you certainly could not do that on your own) on your part to get him to stop drinking is doomed to failure.

You can only help your own self here and that of your as yet unborn child by getting away from him altogether. Life with a baby and a drunkard will be awful for both you and baby, you'll be just lurching from one crisis to the next.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

You can only get through this if he accepts he has a problem with his relationship to drink and wants to address it. No amount of calm observation or even chivvying will do any good except to make him defensive or resentful if he won't or can't admit it.

Have a think about how it's going to be for you when you are sleep-deprived with a new-born and you won't be able to trust your drunk of a husband to do one night-time feed or a single nappy-change on his own for fear or what might happen should you do so.

[hellsbellsmelons]

The 3 C's

YOU didn't cause it
YOU can't control
YOU can't cure it

It's that simple.
Only he can do this.
And he is nowhere near ready.

Is leaving and taking the baby away the only option?
For you?? Yes!
There have been many alcoholic threads on here and the poor damaged adults that come on the thread to tell of how awful life is growing up with an alcoholic parent is just heart breaking.
You do not want this for your child.
Your job now is to protect your child and that means not exposing them to an alcoholic.

You need love and support from family and friends. That means leaving and going home to where you belong.
This will escalate when the baby arrives. We've all read it on here more times than we care to mention.

[Jan45]

He has shown you now by drinking when you needed him, what an absolute selfish prick, yes he is an alcoholic, he drinks most nights, cant do without it can he - and most alcoholics are functioning, how do you think they pay for all the booze they consume, he is probably spending about £50 a week of the families money on booze, for himself - yeah, great dad, no he isn't.

You will not change this, it will get worse, you say you don't want to raise a child on your own, why not, it's no biggie, we've all been there - you will probably be better off financially on your own too, go seek advice from CAB, anywhere that can help you make an informed decision.

Whether you are drinking or not you can see he drinks to excess, no doubt of that.

[Jan45]

he's too stressed to be in the mood ever...which I find really hard to handle.

No it's not stress, it's caused by alcohol abuse, most men can't get it up or in fact have no libido due to the excess of booze.