Just realised my brother is abusive too....

[Doesntaddup]

I've posted before under this and a different name about my DH who is EA and my brother who is NC with me because my DH told him he was no longer welcome at our house.

This week, DH and DCs are away (we can't afford a holiday together and have split the school holidays between us). I was looking forward to meeting my SIL for dinner, as I so rarely see her and her DD now, due to situation with DB. I

Yesterday morning DM phoned me before work to say DB had phoned her up in a state the previous evening to say SIL was out, wouldn't tell him where she was and he'd locked her out. It's the second time it's happened. The previous time she was out til 4 am. Their DD is 5. DB thinks she's having an affair.

SIL cancelled our dinner and asked to meet for lunch instead. She arrived looking pale and very thin, didn't look at all well. She told me she's not having an affair. DB has multiple psychological/MH issues, which he's had since his teens and she's had enough. He won't go out in the evenings, hasn't for years (I knew this) and his life has be ok narrower and narrower, revolving around his eating disorder and exercise addiction. He refuses to 'give up' either of these things, despite the effect on his health and on SIL. SIL has done her best to arrange counselling/ psychiatric support for years but he won't engage. None of us have done enough to support her , just watched from a distance. DM has worried for years how much more SIL could take, but won't tell DB he's being a selfish prick and damaging his daughter and marriage because he's gone NC with her too in the past and she's afraid he'll do it again.

Basically, SIL has started doing things on her own, going to theatre, etc. and DB tells her she's selfish. A few weeks ago shed had enough of the rows and stayed out v late with a friend v late so he locked her out of her home. 2 nights ago, she called him to say she was meeting a friend for dinner and drinks and where. He locked her out at 10.30pm and she stayed in hotel.

I think she's having a breakdown. She's taken DBs appalling behaviour for years, he's missed family events, family holidays and severely jeopardised his job with his behaviour. She's taken a lot more responsibility at work and was recently appointed CEO; his response was to call her a 'corporate bitch'. Apparently he also swears at her and name calls her in front of DD, tells her he's never loved her, not interested in any problems than his own, hates me, hates our DM ( who is massively supportive of hi and he also treats like shit) and doesn't seem to like women in general.

[Walkacrossthesand]

What does your SIL want to do?

[winkywinkola]

She has to take her dd and leave.

Nobody can carry on like that. And not should they.

[Imbroglio]

You can reassure her that his behaviour is out of order. So many abused women start to believe its their fault, or that they provoke the unacceptable behaviour.

Could you ask her what help she is getting and support her to get some advice?

Horrible for you. Its shit if its your own family.

[Meerka]

oh god your poor SIL and neice.

Can you point her at Mumsnet so that she can read the threads and see what an abusive relationship is, and how damaging it is for children? (maybe get this thread pulled first).

Your brother, sorry to say, sounds unstable. Is she in any physical danger?

You can't force her to do anything but if she can see for herself what is considered a bad relationship then she might see her marriage in a different way.

[Doesntaddup]

It's a very difficult situation. Last night I had my parents over to my house, DM is very upset, she won't stand up to DB (he's also abusive to her) and is afraid he'll cut her off again. She can't take any more stress, she's had it for 20+ years from him and my DF has a long term illness. I told SIL that she's being abused and needs support for herself. Suggested women's aid and to call police if he locks her out again. Also said I'm there to support her. Problem is I'm also being abused by my DH and have problems with DCs, caused by his behaviour. Would NOT be good for SIL to stay with us. As far as her home is concerned, my DB bought it and never put her on title deeds. Does that affect things?

I'm trying to get out myself at the moment but it's very hard because I'm afraid of DHs reaction. I'm torn between wanting to support SIL and needs of my DCs. DM advised me not to get involved but I feel so angry at DB. We grew up being subjected to verbal and emotional abuse from our DF and now he is continuing the cycle, even using the words my DF used, from what SIL tells me!

It's such a mess, I thought when I left home I'd left the abuse behind, but it's followed me into my marriage and now I feel like DB is turning into a version of my DF, who was viciously beAten by his DF in turn. I love my parents but feel so sad that every one of us is trapped in this cycle.

I feel strongly I must do my best to end it, to protect my DCs and niece.

[FastWindow]

What? This was such hard work to understand.

So, you are are being abused.
So is your SIL.
You want to help her? Help yourself - invite your oh to foxtrot, and build a stronghold with your SIL and her children. Go NC with your brother, and trust to time to mend those relationships.

[MexicanSpringtime]

The only thing I know about rights to the family home in the UK are from MN itself. It seems that all property is in common between a married couple, regardless of whose name is on the deeds.

Good luck with your own situation, OP.

[Lweji]

This is one thing where you could support each other.
Perhaps looking from the outside at how she is abused will give you the strength to set yourself free from your DH.

Is your SIL married? She needs sound legal advice regarding the house and how to proceed, but ultimately this is no life for anyone and the house shouldn't matter.

Why don't you both talk to WA and support each other through it?
It could even be that you rented out a place together if you needed to and share some child care.

There is support you can tap on. She should call the police if he locks her out. In addition to the resources on this MN list, there is also NCDV for emergency injunctions.

[Doesntaddup]

Sorry it was so difficult to read, I've been aware of my situation for a while but always seen my brother as a victim of abuse, not a perpetrator. Now I realise he is continuing the cycle and I am too, by staying with an abuser.

I am taking steps to leave though; have seen a solicitor and trying to contact Women's Aid, although the support worker never calls me back.

Fabulouse, much as I love DM, I agree she wa complicit in the abuse and is still making excuses for DB; as in its wrong for SIL to stay out so late and she should be there at DN's bedtime. ProbAbly true, but that doesn't excuse DB's behaviour in any way. He has used his depression to get away with treating DM like shit for years and he is jealous and resentful towards me.

SIL is married. I've encouraged her to contact police if he locks her out but don't know if she will. I will also encourage her to see GP.

Feel angry with DB - how dare he behave like such an abusive little shit. Also cross with DM - why cAnt she see that her failure to challenge DB has allowed him to turn into an abuser? If never let my DCS get away with that behaviour, however old they were.

DM has asked me to stay out of it (again) but this time I won't. I should have stood up to DB in the past, but in my family confrontation is a dirty word. I stopped eating at the age of 16 because I couldn't take my fathers abusive beahaviour any more and DM didn't say anything until I had become severely anorexic and hadn't menstruated for 6 months. Same thing happened to my brother at 17; I realised he was anorexic when I came home from Uni, but when I confronted it the whole family turned on me!

[Cabrinha]

It is totally OK to sometimes leave your child's other parent to do bedtime, and to stay out late.
So can we drop the "probably true" comment about that?

Even in a post saying your brother is abusive you're accidentally excising him!

Honestly, I'd focus on ending your abusive relationship first. You may not have the strength to get through ending yours AND supporting SIL at the same time. But seeing you come through it will hopefully be an inspiration in itself.