Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My dad and strange relationship with teenage girl

(384 Posts)
Gramparsons Tue 19-Aug-14 20:22:00

I have name changed for this as it is embarrassing and disturbing and I really don't want to be outed.

In the past few months my dad has befriended a 14 year old girl who lives next door to my brother and nephews. She started tagging along when he was taking them to football training and for dinner after and she now has his number and she calls him to run her here there and everywhere. He thinks this is hilarious. The reaction in the family has gone from eye rolling, to bewilderment and now anger that he will not see sense. My brother used to give her lifts but stopped because people were calling him a pervert.

She phones him up to take her to the takeaway, pick her up from her friends house etc. and a while back he was late meeting me and my mum because she phoned him for a lift into town then when he was going she said 'oh are you not waiting to drop me off home'. She recently called him from a friends house where she had started an argument and she jumped in the car and shouted at him to drive, she rolls down his window and shouts at people, takes his camera to take pictures of herself and he thinks it is all funny.

He is an incredibly stubborn character and says he will not be told what to do. There is nothing going on, nothing wrong. He doesn't care if people are talking about him, he will not change his behaviour for other people. To some extent it's an admirable character trait but for fucks sake, he doesn't get what effect this is having on any body. My mum is embarrassed in case people are talking about her and scared that this girl may accuse my dad of something and it looks pretty much like he is grooming her doesn't it? He is driving her round buying her food (and knowing my dad and how he is generous with his money he will be giving her handouts like he does everybody). He has accused my mum of being jealous, she is angry at the position he is putting her in.

A couple of weeks ago she phoned and asked him to take her to McDonalds and that she had a 'massive favour' to ask him. She wanted him to take her shopping to a city about 3 hours away from us. He has gone today at the crack of dawn. He has now denied she asked, he said she told him she had been arguing with her boyfriend and he said she needed retail therapy. I honestly don't know what is worse. I don't believe there is anything going on, but I am aware it doesn't look that way. She could accuse him so easily. My other brother has said if he is accused of anything he will not be seeing his granddaughter, will not be able to take his grandson's to football. I agree.

My mum is distraught, she says she can barely bring herself to speak to him, she spent last night at my brother's house and had been sleeping in the spare room. I have sent him a text saying I am so angry he is completely disregarding my mum's feelings like this, and he should stop paying for things and see how long it takes her to lose interest. He should be taking his own grandchildren on trips like this, not a pushy hard faced girl he hardly knows. I have a choppy history with him and this is pushing me to the limit. I have had periods of no contact with him but we have grown close since the birth of my first baby.

I don't know what I think is going on. I know he likes to be useful, he goes out of his way to give lifts/run errands for anybody but this is not innocent to me. I don't think she has any interest in him but she is out for what she can get because he is a soft touch. It is making my skin crawl to think about them. I don't know what I want from writing this sad(.

Gramparsons Tue 19-Aug-14 20:22:34

That is epic... I am sorry.

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 19-Aug-14 20:27:31

Wow.

Not alot you can do though. I take it you have said that he is putting himself into a vulnerable position that could affect how people treat him forever?

Quitelikely Tue 19-Aug-14 20:29:52

This isn't right. Unfortunately you're going to have to leave him to it. It sounds like he's having a ball. Do her family know that this is going on?

sonjadog Tue 19-Aug-14 20:30:05

Awful situation. It doesn't sound like there is much you can do unfortunately. I guess you just have to make it clear what you think of what he is doing and what the consequences of his actions may be, and then leave him to work it out himself.

abigamarone Tue 19-Aug-14 20:30:29

What do her parents make of it?

Squidstirfry Tue 19-Aug-14 20:40:31

She sounds like trouble brewing. Just warn him and back off.

Gramparsons Tue 19-Aug-14 20:46:14

She lives with her mum and sibling. I don't think either child has anything to do with their dad. I don't think her mum can care. I can't believe anybody would let their 14 year old have this kind of contact with a man old enough to be her grandad. (It hurts thinking this way about my dad, but this is how it looks, how it may be for all I know).

The thing is he would have gone crazy if it was me. I keep thinking about the relationship I had with my best friend's grandad growing up. I wouldn't have dreamed of phoning him and demanding he take me places. My dad would never in a million years have let me go off somewhere with somebody who was barely even an acquaintance.

We have tried and tried to get through to him. In his mind he is innocent, but it doesn't look that way, people will not see it that way. If he is accused mud sticks doesn't it? I feel so sorry for my mum, I can't believe he would treat her this way. She is at the end of her tether with him. She is a very quiet person, my aunt has gone to my brother's house tonight to get them to have a word with her mum.

One of my brothers has told him it will be the end of his relationship with his granddaughter if he is accused of anything, or if he believes something is going on. We have said he will not be able to watch his grandson's play football anymore if anything happens. He is so pig headed he will not see sense.

Rebecca2014 Tue 19-Aug-14 20:47:21

Prison bait springs to mind.

I would let the girl family know she is hanging around with a much older man. She is 14 years old and this man is driving her around and buying her things, for all she knows he's just a friendly old man but he obviously has perverted attentions. What is he getting out of this? it sounds like he may be grooming her.

Rebecca2014 Tue 19-Aug-14 20:48:49

She lives with her mum and sibling. I don't think either child has anything to do with their dad. I don't think her mum can care.
*

I am not surprised by this at all. So he has targeted an vulnerable girl. I would be contacting social services.

abigamarone Tue 19-Aug-14 20:55:12

Rebecca - I think you're reading far too much into this, I don't think Gramparsons is thinking that at all. I think their concern is how 'improper' this is, not that their dad is targeting her.

Happyringo Tue 19-Aug-14 20:56:45

What an awful situation. It's completely understandable that you don't want to believe it of your Dad, but it's almost impossible to believe he is willing to risk his marriage and his relationship with his children and grandchildren, just to innocently run errands with a 14 year old girl. Sorry OP. I hope the situation is resolved soon.

Gramparsons Tue 19-Aug-14 20:58:32

I know exactly what it sounds like. I didn't want to come on here and deny that he may be grooming her, I feel like I have said I don't think that is the case but I can't rule it out of course. Nobody thinks it is their relative capable of these things.

She invited herself along when he was going places with my nephews I wouldn't say he 'targeted' her, then she started calling him (he should never have started this and let her have his number of course). She used to do the same thing with my brother, and another neighbour recently had to stop her using the trampoline in his garden because she was bringing her friends round and he thought it was wrong.

I have thought of contacting the police because I thought police involvement would scare him. If somebody came to his door or hers.

forumdonkey Tue 19-Aug-14 21:00:45

This is wrong on so many levels. WTF is he thinking? Are you sure there is nothing going on? Be prepared for the worst OP, because if her school find out, and invariably they probably will if she's bragging to her friends etc that will lead to SS and police involvement.

Personally for me, although I don't usually make ultimatums, I would collectively as a family give him - her or us and your mum should threaten to kick him out.

This situation is not normal and it affecting more than your father and this girl.

Happyringo Tue 19-Aug-14 21:01:52

Would you feel able to approach her mum?

Gramparsons Tue 19-Aug-14 21:02:01

Happyringo I can't believe he would risk his wife fir this either. He is so stubborn, anything we say makes him dig his heels in further. He thinks it is innocent therefor that is all that matters. He won't be told what to do.

He was meant to be giving me a lift somewhere later in the week. I have told my mum I will make alternative arrangements. I can't be around him when he is doing this.

Gramparsons Tue 19-Aug-14 21:06:24

I wish I knew what he was thinking. I think she will be bragging. He is always handing money out to his family, he says he feels sorry for her so she will be getting money. I feel so sorry for my nephews because if their friends find out they will have to hear their grandad called names.

I almost hope somebody does get involved. He will not listen to us, he will attempt yo shout the police and SS down like he has us.

My SIL is going to speak to the mum, or my aunt will have no problem doing so.

forumdonkey Tue 19-Aug-14 21:06:26

Happyringo, like OP thinks, I doubt her mother is bothered. She is probably just grateful to get her out off her way and doesn't care that she is being bought food and taxi services. Sadly parents like this do exist more than you'd ever imagine.

cloggal Tue 19-Aug-14 21:07:45

Wow. I'm not surprised you're concerned.
What's his response to your brother?

GirlWithTheLionHeart Tue 19-Aug-14 21:09:55

This is crazy! He's actually willing to risk losing his family over a child who wants him to drive her around confused

You all need to sit down together and stage an intervention.

Your poor mum.

GirlWithTheLionHeart Tue 19-Aug-14 21:11:31

Him being pig-headed and saying 'well it's innocent so I don't care what people think I won't change' is just stupid. This issue here is his wife and children do care and are bothered by it, therefore he should stop! He sounds so stubborn

forumdonkey Tue 19-Aug-14 21:11:32

How do you think he would react if you all got together and said you wanted nothing to do with him while he carried on seeing this girl? Would your mum be prepared to tell him to leave?

Your poor nephews, it must be hard on them and it could get worse if kids start calling their granddad a pedophile.

icanmakeyouicecream Tue 19-Aug-14 21:12:33

Holy shit. That's not right at all. I really don't know what the best possible action is..

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Tue 19-Aug-14 21:14:23

It really looks as though he is grooming her. She may be 'hard faced' and demanding but that doesn't mean she isn't vulnerable. In fact young women who present like that can be more vulnerable because they think they are more savvy and mature than they are, and they understand human relationships in terms of trading on their commodities in exchange for money/status/power/protection/drugs/alcohol/whatever. I would assume that he is grooming her to be honest, and if the police have her on their radar (which you have no way of knowing) they will assume so as well.

Roseformeplease Tue 19-Aug-14 21:15:07

How awful for you.

Could you, or someone, contact her school and see if someone there would speak to her?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now