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What to do re ex friend and wedding - need advice

(52 Posts)
agirlcalledsandoz Tue 19-Aug-14 19:03:31

I'll try not to make this too long. Bit of background. I had been best friends with X since school, saw each other nearly every week, talked on phone etc. in 2009 she started seeing someone from work, who was married at the time hmm he spilt with his wife to be with her. At the time I told her maybe best not get involved with him( she had never had a relationship before and was, I felt, a bit naive. Others have said to me no she knew what she was doing etc. her now DP is very domineering, brash and inappropriate, totally overpowers her to the point where she barely speaks and gazes at him adoringly. As soon as they got together our friendship deteriorated, every time we met up either he would be there or she would dash off to meet him after an hour or so. Then started ignoring my texts and calls, barely saw her and when I did couldn't speak to her. After about 18 months of this and when I would text/call her asking to meet up she would ignore me, not even get back to say no. I decided to just leave it, I thought if she contacts me then ok but I'm not contacting her. She also dropped our other mutual friends, all of who felt the same about her DP as I did.

So needless to say I didn't hear from her hmm

About a year ago she got engaged to her DP and at the time he sent a mutual male friend if ours an abusive message on Facebook saying he knew they'd had a thing together ( a few kisses 12 years ago) and did he fuck her shockshockshock at that time u felt a bad for X, thinking maybe she needed a friend so I sent her a message but as usual for no reply.

Last night she messaged me asking if I'll be her bridesmaid, I haven't seen her for 2 years and not so much as a text message since then. To me, the friendship is over and I was ok with that but this has brought it all back to me. I don't really want to go to the wedding, never mind be bridesmaid but I feel torn, don't know what to do really, looking for some advice from the outside really. My DH thinks she is just using me as she wants a bridesmaid.

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 19-Aug-14 19:06:22

You know that abusers often alienate their victims from their support network, yeah?

sonjadog Tue 19-Aug-14 19:06:50

Maybe she doesn't have any other friends to ask? Maybe her DP has isolated her from everyone?

pictish Tue 19-Aug-14 19:09:15

I think she's tied up with a domineering bastard who will bring nothing but heartache to her life.
As such, I would say no to being bridesmaid. I wouldn't want her to marry him, so it would be two faced to take on that role.
That's just me personally though.

I'm also inclined to agree with your dh.

agirlcalledsandoz Tue 19-Aug-14 19:09:36

Re the abuser - that is what I've thought and why I tried to contact her last year. I thought I would let her know I'm there for her but she didn't get back to me.

No she has no one else to ask.

pictish Tue 19-Aug-14 19:10:05

And I agree that he has most likely isolated her from her friends, and that's why you haven't heard from her in ages.

agirlcalledsandoz Tue 19-Aug-14 19:10:47

Pictish I feel that, I don't want her to marry him, he's awful. Should add that they have bought a house together a good 100 miles away from where her family and friends live

mipmop Tue 19-Aug-14 19:10:53

My initial reaction is NO!
Irrespective of your friendship having drifted, could you support the marriage? Could you be so involved with the wedding, thinking she's about to make a mistake by marrying this guy? I'd probably suggest meeting up with her and seeing if you both want to become friends again, but it'd be just the two of you, nothing to do with her boyfriend. Take her message and request as a compliment or as an opportunity to resume your friendship. 50/50 you never see her again or she opens up to you about her worries over the relationship. She's probably realised how isolated she has become.

mipmop Tue 19-Aug-14 19:12:12

Cross-posted, with the sentiments.

pictish Tue 19-Aug-14 19:12:21

It's a terrible situation. Say yes and grin through her tying herself to the arsehole...say no and offend her, while giving her p L-told-you-your-friends-were-shit ammunition.

Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

mipmop Tue 19-Aug-14 19:13:29

With the same sentiments

sonjadog Tue 19-Aug-14 19:14:47

Maybe you could say that you'd like to meet up with her first as you feel it would be strange after so long with no contact? See what she says and how she is when you meet her.

VanitasVanitatum Tue 19-Aug-14 19:15:12

I would refuse but by as kindly as possible telling her why, tell her that you feel he controls her and isn't nice to her.

loudarts Tue 19-Aug-14 19:15:20

I would do it, even if you don't agree with the marriage your friend would know that you are still there for her. If he's as bad as he sounds she will need you in the future and may not feel she can reach out to you if you don't support her now.

agirlcalledsandoz Tue 19-Aug-14 19:16:29

Good idea, just test the waters ? Taking everything that has happened away I have missed her and do want to be friends with her but it's impossible when a person gives you nothing back.

pictish Tue 19-Aug-14 19:18:25

I think if you are very brave you could sit her down and decline the offer of being bridesmaid and tell her why.

"I have the unshakeable feeling that this man is no good for you, and I would be two faced to say yes, seeing as I wish you weren't marrying him. I will always be your friend though."

She will probably fall out with you for saying that, but seeing as you never see her anyway, it makes no practical difference. What will come out of it though, is that if/when the shit does hit the fan and she wants to leave him, you may well be the first person she approaches for support.

RandomMess Tue 19-Aug-14 19:19:51

Arrange to meet up to discuss it? That way she may actually realise that she's been alienated etc?

BOFster Tue 19-Aug-14 19:27:39

I think pictish is right. Be honest, but kind, and say she can always contact you.

sonjadog Tue 19-Aug-14 19:27:49

What would concern me is that presuming she is in an abusive relationship, what if this marks her starting to reach out for help? Or what if this will be what will make her feel she can turn to you in the future when she wants out? That's why I'd offer to meet up and be careful about saying no outright. On the other hand, if you really don't want to, then you shouldn't feel you have to.

agirlcalledsandoz Tue 19-Aug-14 19:29:13

Before she started going out with him I think she was lonely/frustrated. Late 20s, still lived at home with parents, never had a boyfriend, few friends and we were/are all married or settled. She had worked with him for a few years and had spoken about him before, saying he was really nice, a good laugh and they were friends. I think she may have held a torch for him for a while and he's have known it- he always goes on about people fancying him- she was vulnerable in a way and easy to mould. My DH (him again grin) says he thinks her DP went with her because he knew he could boss her about.

agirlcalledsandoz Tue 19-Aug-14 19:33:16

Have messaged her asking if we can meet up to talk about it, will see what she says, if she even gets back to me

MexicanSpringtime Tue 19-Aug-14 19:35:17

Meet up with her, think of a kind excuse for not being her bridesmaid and don't say anything against her partner, but let her know that you will always be there for her and that, as far as your concerned the friendship stands, no matter how long she goes nc.

So far she has collaborated with her partner in her isolation. But someday she will want out or he will be unfaithful and she will need to know that she still has people she can turn to.

expatinscotland Tue 19-Aug-14 19:37:03

I'd decline and tell her why.

agirlcalledsandoz Tue 19-Aug-14 20:56:06

Going to meet her, just us, to talk about it. I'll get her side of it and take it from there.

BOFster Tue 19-Aug-14 20:58:17

Good for you. Be careful you don't end up agreeing to be bridesmaid though- it will make you feel awful.

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