It's been 4 years since I finally found the strength to leave XH. He had been EA, SA and had raped me on one occasion many years before.
It was a horrible 15 year relationship.
When I first left I hadn't come to terms with just how controlling and nasty he was. In the first year we even met up for drinks to discuss dividing the assets etc. it was all relatively amicable, but only really because I never challenged anything.
He started cancelling seeing the dcs and then demanding to see them at other times and blaming me if I wouldn't cancel my plans to let him see them.
I then found out from the eldest dc that he'd been neglecting them. This had led to youngest dc coming to harm. I stopped contact and awaited court.
I was promised that Cafcass would listen to the dcs. The dcs wanted to see their dad (I encouraged this because I felt it was important), but were worried that he put them in danger (only the eldest expressed this, the younger two were too young to be aware). XH lied. Cafcass stated that they would only report on what XH would admit and recommended full contact. Eldest is old enough to choose, and won't see him as feels upset about XH saying it wasn't true, and doesn't want to be a part of anything that hurts the younger dcs.
XH is petty and has already broken several aspects of the court order, but since the dcs haven't been harmed as a result this apparently isn't relevant.
I now have no direct contact. All communication and arrangements are through a family member's email address who tells me what has been said and forwards my replies. This has helped since he cannot directly abuse me now.
I have moved on. I have a great new dp who the dcs adore. I never knew relationships could be like this.
But everytime he comes up with some petty demand or breaks the order I get so angry. I hate him. He raped me and abused me. It's not fair that the dcs that I work so hard for, love that complete bastard. It's not fair that he now denies everything. He can move on and Disney-dad to his heart's content, and I hate him so much.
I want to detach. I love my life now. I have a wonderful home. My dcs are fantastic. My dp is incredible. But when this hatred rears its head I feel so stressed I physically shake.
I've detached as much as I can, and I'm sure time will help, but I need to find a way to let this go. It's the unjustness of it all that hurts so much.
Please help.
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I don't want hate, I want indifference. Please give me your tips.
15 replies
SoMuchHate · 19/08/2014 11:18
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