Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

So I just have to hand over DS to Ex and OW?

(80 Posts)
RingleaderOfTheTormentors Tue 19-Aug-14 08:47:09

In June DS (6) and I walked into my then partner's house and caught him with another woman.
Since that day, whenever DS goes to see his dad, he is spending all his time with OW. DS didn't tell me this for 3 weeks, and it brought all the hurt flooding back and seemed to put me back to square 1 wrt pulling myself together and getting over this shit.

They want to take DS camping. Ex has NEVER arranged a day out for DS, never mind a holiday. He is being very aggressive demanding that I let DS go with them for a week (we are just back off our family holiday that Ex booked with me, but obviously chose not to come on)

Apart from the way I feel about DS going off with Ex and OW playing mummies and daddies, I have concerns about the care he receives.

DS came home yesterday after 2 nights at his Dad's. He was screaming with pain as his eczema was so sore as he had been scratching it - DS said Ex had put sudocrem on it, which we have discussed at length that when his skin is bad, he needs his prescription cream. All ex ever does is put baby oil, e45 or sudocrem on.

Weeks ago, DS told me that OW's car (ex does not drive) does not have a car seat for him. I told DS he has to have a car seat, it's the law. I emailed EX and reminded him of the same (part of our contact agreement says "each parent will ensure that when DS is in their care, he will be transported in the age appropriate car seat")
Ex ignored me.

Yesterday DS came back from a thrilling day out with Ex and OW at IKEA, 35 miles away. And STILL, no car seat. And he hadn't had any lunch either.
This is 9 weeks since us splitting. Surely he should have prioritised sorting DS's car seat before buying flat pack shit from IKEA?

Is there nothing I can do?

Frontier Tue 19-Aug-14 08:53:36

Can you try and see this positively? I know will be really hard but new partner is obviously keen to involve ds and it's good that he's getting to have days out with/spend time with his dad.

Can you meet her and explain some of the things they need to do re car seats and ezema care? Maybe she has no experience of children and doesn't know but wants to do her vest by him (and ds father is being rubbish)

Bonsoir Tue 19-Aug-14 08:56:43

Eczema and camping are rarely compatible.

MrsHathaway Tue 19-Aug-14 09:04:20

I think you would be within your rights not to let him go without an appropriate car seat. As for the rest, you have to appeal to her better nature.

BlackDaisies Tue 19-Aug-14 09:05:31

Normally I would say you'd need to hide your feelings and allow contact but the issue with the car seat especially and the eczema is really worrying. I think you need to put all your concerns in a polite email.

Explain that you understand your son was taken out with no car seat again. You could mention that he appeared to have had no lunch (though this is less straightforward, as children do forget/ lose track of what they've eaten or done). Maybe say something along the lines of ...although you don't want to stop contact, and you do want your son to see his dad, that you need to know that he has bought and is using a car seat and that he will be using the right medication for his eczema before he sees him again.

I don't think you should be dealing with her over this - it's between you and his dad.

capsium Tue 19-Aug-14 09:08:24

I would probably hand over car seat from your car when they pick him up if they still have not got one for them to give it back on the handover. Just to save arguments and ensure your child is transported safely.

Not sure about the rest though...

AnyFucker Tue 19-Aug-14 09:13:21

I don't think you can let the car seat thing go

It is the law that children are appropriately restrained in the car

I would stop contact until you have seen evidence of a car seat in use

BloodyClarey Tue 19-Aug-14 09:13:54

Went to IKEA and hadn't had lunch? I GO TO IKEA for lunch. Hotdogs are about a quid, the restaurant is ridiculously cheap. He has no excuse not to feed him.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Tue 19-Aug-14 09:29:43

Not having the appropriate seat or the required treatment for a medical issue would be the reasons why I wouldnt hand him over until concerns were rectified. Email him detailing these, at least you have approached him then with your concerns.

VSeth Tue 19-Aug-14 09:33:30

I would insist on car seat and next time they collect him actually put it in the car.

Keep asking ex to do skin cream but also ask your DS to help by telling him to ask Daddy to use the special cream. Lunch thing is awful, have you mentioned it to your ex?

ThisFenceIsComfy Tue 19-Aug-14 09:37:09

You've only been split up nine weeks? And he spent DS all weekend with the OP? Seems a bit inappropriate for your DS, a bit quick. I say that as a step mum myself but I would want to give the little boy some time.

I'm not sure what you can do about the car seat or exceed. Just email him again to reiterate what is in the contact agreement and that this needs to be kept to in order to continue with arrangements

ThisFenceIsComfy Tue 19-Aug-14 09:38:23

Sorry that meant to say and DS spends all weekend with the OW?

Sorry sleep deprived

Marcipex Tue 19-Aug-14 09:42:48

He isn't being appropriately cared for, no car seat, blimey. And no eczema cream, and no lunch?

Why would you let him go?

Fairenuff Tue 19-Aug-14 09:43:53

He has to have a car seat. I would take legal advice.

yoyo27 Tue 19-Aug-14 09:45:42

You do have the right not to send him. Contact has to be in the best interest of the child x

Is this contact arrangement you have with this person at all legally binding i.e. was it drawn up by the courts?.

I would seek legal advice re your ex as he is playing silly buggers re his child also to get back at you. Neither he or his woman are taking enough care of your son.

I would be now looking at he now seeing his son only at a contact centre.

BringMeSunshine2014 Tue 19-Aug-14 09:55:25

You shouldn't have to and I know it's 'letting him off' but I would go and buy one of these Booster seat and tell him when he picks DS up next he owes you �xx. Then tell him that if DS ever goes in a car without it, all contact will cease and he will have to take you to court to see DS.

Camping - no way, not until he has demonstrated an ability to care for DS properly. This means his eczema being treated properly and not coming home hungry.

I'm sorry the bastard has done this to you and that he's rubbing your nose in it, it's shitty sad Wanker.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Tue 19-Aug-14 10:04:25

I would refuse any further contact visits until there is evidence of a car seat.
I would document (date and time) incidents so far, and photograph eczema
I would ensure that instructions for the care of your son's skin are put in writing to your DH. The OW does not have responsibilities and I don't think you should engage her directly. Don't refuse to talk to her but it is your Ex's responsibility to care for his son

If camping and eczema are incompatible then refuse the trip or request a shorter duration stating why.

Get legal advice.

On a personal level - imo your EX is a total sh*t for introducing an OW to your son so soon.

Tryharder Tue 19-Aug-14 11:21:02

Your concerns with regard to the car seat are justifiable and a number of posters have made really helpful suggestions.

But your complaints about the thrilling day at IKEA lead me to suspect that you might be looking for complaints.

Are you saying that no parent should ever take their child to Ikea? My kids have had plenty of boring trips to shopping centres with me and lunch is quite often late. With this reasoning, I don't deserve to have custody of my children!

Your hatred of the OW is clouding your judgement and insincerely believe you need to look past that. I do think your XP is unwise for introducing his child so early on but you denying contact, creating a bad atmosphere and court issues will only add fuel to the fire.

Hissy Tue 19-Aug-14 11:48:16

Who in their right mind would take a child of 6 to ikea on their contact time? Really?

No carseat.

No care for his skin condition.

This 'man' doesn't give a shit about anyone or anything other than his own dick.

No way would I allow my ds to go in a car without a seat, and one incident of deliberately neglecting him medically would be curtains as far as I was concerned.

Focus on the DS here OP, it's the only leverage you can/should use.

If dickhead wants his DS, he has to step up and put HIM first and foremost.

No negotiations.

maddy68 Tue 19-Aug-14 12:03:40

Camping will not exacerbate excema. I have it and am an avid camper. It's no worse if you are camping. Why would it?

Have you formalised access? If you have you need to go to your solicitor and explain that you are worried about his welfare. Withholding drugs fir his excema is neglect. So is not using a car seat. But you need to document thus officially.

juliascurr Tue 19-Aug-14 12:05:13

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

free legal advice

PlantsAndFlowers Tue 19-Aug-14 12:09:07

Stopping him going camping because someone on Mumsnet said they were incompatible would be beyond ridiculous.

Mitzi50 Tue 19-Aug-14 12:13:21

This is a useful link for your ex or the OW

www.which.co.uk/baby-and-child/baby-transport/guides/choosing-a-child-car-seat/the-law-on-using-child-car-seats/

If this is a regular arrangement (ie not an unexpected journey), she will be liable.

I personally wouldn't have allowed DC to travel in a car without a seat and would probably have reported my ex H to the police if he had done this.

Castlemilk Tue 19-Aug-14 12:36:41

Well no, there is absolutely something you can do. You have a contact agreement that specifies a car seat (as if it should even have to), there is still no car seat, so there is no contact.

So no camping. I'd probably be telling him the morning he came to pick him up and I saw no seat in the car.

He doesn't like it? Well, he could always go back to court and explain why he thought it best to ignore both contact order and the law. That would be fun.

Leaving the fact that she was the OW out of it, if these adults cannot care for your child properly, even to the extent of breaking a contact order, then you should stop contact.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now