Help me not ruin this please.

[gigglygirlygirl]

I have been dating a man I met online for 7 months now but I really think my insecurities are causing issues. He doesn't know that I am as insecure as I am but he knows there are some confidence issues.

He doesn't talk about feelings and I am kinda bad for getting all caught up in my head and trying to analyse everything. When I am with him I have no doubts but when we are apart I start overthinking and winding myself up about his past and previous relationships and feeling insecure. I just don't know how to read men.

I think I might have too many issues to be in a relationship! He is so considerate and I have not had that in the past and we have a really good time together. I really love him but I think he deserves better especially if I can't figure out how to fix my issues.

[manofsponge]

What are your issues

[daisychain01]

You sound like you could benefit from cognitive behavioural therapy which is helpful to think about things differently and more positively.

[Dirtybadger]

What daisy said. But, first, it would probably be good to rule out the fact that he is doing anything to cause your insecurity (and that you're just reacting as any normal person would).

What about his history and previous relationships is making you worried? What has he told you about them?

I don't know the answer to the above so don't assume the below applies but:

Sometimes new gfs/bfs seem to enjoy giving out way too much information about their past. I assume they know that in most healthy people it would cause some jealousy/anxiety.
I'm not sure why they do it. Perhaps they're immature and believe that it makes them look better and "more of a catch". Perhaps more sinister; to have a better hold over someone. It appears to come hand in hand with boasting (number of sexual partners, lifestyle being amazing, blah).

[gigglygirlygirl]

He hasn't spoken about his past relationships. We have different amounts of relationship experience and I am just not sure what is normal in a relationship.

I am insecure and I drive myself nuts analysing his actions and trying to work out if I am getting too serious too fast based on what I am assuming he feels.

[dadwood]

Hi OP

I am insecure and I drive myself nuts analysing his actions and trying to work out if I am getting too serious too fast based on what I am assuming he feels.

This sounds pretty normal to me, it sounds like something I would do! I don't have vast experience.

Why do you think your insecurity are going to ruin your relationship? How do you think he can see it?

It may be that this man's style is not to talk about previous relationships and his feelings. I know you are thinking about your own point of view, but he is a person too, and we are all different!

If I were dating someone (can't, I'm married) then I would not talk about my previous partners to somebody who mentioned that they weren't feeling confident, because I would not want to give them shadows to compete with, after all, it's you now!

[dadwood]

Also, don't split up because you think he deserves better! That's not fair on him, he might disagree.

Only split if you think you deserve better!

[gigglygirlygirl]

I think that the mix of me being insecure and him not talking about feelings will just cause issues. He doesn't seem to have any worries about us so it never gets brought up. He knows I don't have a lot of confidence but he doesn't know about all the nuttiness. I don't know how to bring this stuff up with him!

I hadn't thought that he might not be talking about the past because of my lack of confidence. I know about his ex wife as they have a son so we see each other and he hasn't tried to stop us meeting or anything. I just think he is so nice and considerate and I am still doubting everything so he would be better off with someone without all these issues.

[trackrBird]

You posted before about this man and your concerns about the relationship. It really seems to be causing you a lot of soul searching and unease. Relationships shouldn't really be this much hard work. They should be fun, at least in the early days!

If they aren't, and you still feel insecure without knowing why, it's worth asking if there is something in the background causing that feeling, maybe something you don't want to admit to yourself.

If this was the first time you had concerns I might say to relax and see how it goes, but you still seem uneasy. I don't want to just dismiss it as insecurities you need to get over. To my cost, I know it's not always that simple.

[dadwood]

Would you be able to post links to your previous post?

[gigglygirlygirl]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2121781-Saying-I-love-you

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2119131-Scared-of-falling-in-love

[dadwood]

Thanks!

Stuff I would have put on your other posts!

I loved all that stuff you wrote about realising that high flying careers are not what you want. That's how I feel at the moment. I'm quite highly qualified and experienced in IT and yet, I am enjoying being a SAHD.

I have a fun idea if you having trouble with the gravity of the moment when declaring love.

"Just off out! You know I really love You----nicyles!, byee"

I love You-niforminty in my bananas! Off to buy some, byee!
I kind love You-clidean geometry! God I don't know why! Goodnight!

Would that take some stigma away, or am I just being silly!

[gigglygirlygirl]

I think it is my background that is making me feel insecure. I know that I am not being rational when I get nutty when he doesn't text for a while but there is this part of me that clicks straight into negative.

[Heyho111]

You need to change the way you think. Cognitive behaviour therapy and mindfulness are two great ways to help.
The little CBT workbook is good. You can get it online. If you have a smart phone download a free app for mindfulness. It's good give it a go.