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How to help my friend out of this mess?

(13 Posts)
NewNameForThis2014 Mon 18-Aug-14 13:23:08

Sorry, this will be long.

A close friend has called me today to tell me about an absolute shitstorm happening in her life just now and I'm trying to be as supportive as possible.

She found out last weekend that her "d"h of 16 years (2 children) has been visiting prostitutes for 5 years. He didn't just confess, it was much more awful. She found a prescription for a drug prescribed for a std, he didn't deny it and said it's been going on for 5 years but has now stopped (oh yeah).

Now the situation is more complicated because she is currently in a psychiatric hospital being treated for burn out caused by a massively stressful job, is severely depressed and suicidal.
Plus coping with an affair said h had when they were newly married, which lasted for 3 years plus his porn watching (she found the dvds). She told me about this at Christmas because she was having therapy and things have been resurfacing and she started to refuse to keep his dirty secrets.

<deepbreath> She is married to my BIL, which makes her my SIL but she was a friend before she married and before we both even knew we were dating brothers.

I am so angry, beyond words really. He's asked her for a step by step plan to resolve his issue. Wtf? He is lucky I'm not there atm I don't know what i would have done.

I told her he needs to move out but because she is at the hospital and only going home Sat-Sun it cannot be done really.

In my opinion there is no bloody way she should even try to resolve anything, I think I cannot be even in the same room with him ever again. We've just come back from holiday and looking after their children for a week, because of the hospital situation (they live abroad).

My dh has constantly denied his brother could be up to something - even though I told him about the affair, he said if he doesn't tell him, he finds it unbelievable. He tried to talk to him when we were over there, but his brother just wouldn't talk to anyone. And that's always been an issue.

I know many mnetter have been in her situation and I'm hoping to get some advice as to what I can tell her. Obviously he needs to leave and she needs an std test.
She is so fragile at the moment, if I let rip what I really think of him ... I cannot do it. But what can I do?
I also think my dh has to ring his brother and ask him outright it all of this is true, as his continuing to maintain db's halo (big brother) is beginning to make me cross.
What a mess. The poor kids.

antimatter Mon 18-Aug-14 13:36:17

he confessed to her - you don't need more prove for you

let brother sort it out between themselves

he has to look after the kids during the week when she is unwell

if I was her I would want him out of mi sight when I was at home so maybe you could go and stay with her for weekend?

take one week at a time and see how she feels

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Mon 18-Aug-14 13:47:22

"He's asked her for a step by step plan to resolve his issue."

None of these issues are for her to resolve. He needs to figure out how to resolve them on his own. If he can, which is doubtful in the extreme. It's far too much pressure to put upon someone in her condition, and it's a complete abrogation of his total responsibility in any case.

He had an affair when they were newly married. I might be able to find it in my heart to forgive, but even about that I'm doubtful, and he's been using prostitutes and has been for a long time. I dunno about anyone else, but that would be the end of everything for me STD or no STD.

I'm not sure what "proof" your husband thinks he needs from his brother, and I'm not sure if it's necessarily wise to want any. If his wife says he's done the things you have described then he's done them. He's admitted it to her, so there can be no weaseling out of any of it, but I'm certain he'll try to minimise it by blaming his wife in some way.

It goes without saying that the man being discussed is a total fucking shit of the first order. Absolute bloody scum.

antimatter Mon 18-Aug-14 13:53:02

He's asked her for a step by step plan to resolve his issue.

he thinks if he ticks boxes she will forgive him as she did first time round
that would be easy for him, would'n it?

NewNameForThis2014 Mon 18-Aug-14 14:07:23

I don't need any more proof.
But my dh seems to think it is all unbelievable. He is his big brother, he has been looking up to him when they grew up and he seems to be unable to grasp what an utter shit he is. Women hater, porn user, adulterer, he's betrayed her all their married life.
She is a strong woman but so fragile at the moment, I just want to go over there and hug her, tell her she will be strong again, will be better off without this loser. He's had so many chances, to kick him out for good.

NewNameForThis2014 Mon 18-Aug-14 14:11:21

It would be very difficult for me to just go for a week end, it's a 10 hour journey one way. I thought i may be able to go until the end of the summer holidays, but she might not be out of hospital by then.

I will ask her what she thinks, but she is so all over the place that I doubt she knows what she wants atm.

antimatter Mon 18-Aug-14 14:14:10

is there anyone who can be there to be with her?

NewNameForThis2014 Mon 18-Aug-14 14:19:02

She has a few very close friends, who live closer, who she's told as well. I don't know if they can be around at the week ends, I will ask her.

I agree, he should not be there when she is at home.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 Mon 18-Aug-14 14:21:45

Is she in the Uk?
If she is, does she have CPN involved in her care when she is at home?

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 Mon 18-Aug-14 14:22:50

Is she in the Uk?
If she is, does she have CPN involved in her care when she is at home?

Twinklestein Mon 18-Aug-14 14:30:20

I don't know what you can do for her given you're so far away, other than offer her your support. Your horror at his behaviour will help her, because she may normalised it. I'm sure he's part of the reason she's ended up having a breakdown.

At the same time I think you need to tell you husband to buck up and stop living in denial. It's one thing to be naïve, but this isn't naivety - it's a refusal to deal with reality and face up to big bro falling from his pedestal.

He's minimising and the implication of his stance is that what SIL has said may not be true.

NewNameForThis2014 Mon 18-Aug-14 14:37:47

No, she's not in the uk, but the health system is good, she's getting the help she needs in a medical sense (if knocking her out is helpful. I think it might have been, given the state she was in before this revelation).

Twinkle, thanks for giving me the words to use with my dh. That's exactly what he is doing. And that's why it is so annyoing to me, he's minimising, in his refusal to see his big brother falling from his pedestal.

NewNameForThis2014 Tue 19-Aug-14 06:56:47

Dh has tried to call his brother last night, no one picked up the phone.

Dh thinks this is part of SIL's illness, hallucinations, etc. I told him she is depressed and suicidal, not schizophrenic.

He is completely in denial and I wonder now what it will do to his mental health when he finds out that it's true. Shit.

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