Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My family is unbearable and I am trapped

(24 Posts)
InMyShell Mon 18-Aug-14 10:41:48

I don't know what I want from this post, maybe just to get it out. Sorry if it's long.

My family is messed up. I live with my DM, DF, Dsis and DD. I have a DB, but he lives abroad (we have a good, if distant, relationship).

DD and I have lived there for 3 years since I left her EA father, and I am saving for a house deposit. I am unable to rent as I am in London and the rents are extortionate. I do not earn enough to cover rent/bills on my own, but earn JUST over the threshold for tax credits etc. Basically I am trapped in my parent's home until I can afford (a much cheaper than rent) mortgage.

My DF has had depression for as long as I can remember. He refuses to do anything about it. I think he saw a doctor for 10 minutes around 15 years ago, never taken any medication. We grew up with him being volatile, arguments with my DM, short tempered, throwing dinner up the wall etc. He cannot take any kind of criticism (however well-meaning or innocent) and flies into a rage, followed by days of sulking and not talking to anyone. Everyone walks on eggshells around him constantly.

My DSis is the youngest, and mirrors my DF. She doesn't have depression, but as the youngest has always gotten away with bad behaviour and this has followed into adulthood. She is now early 20's. She is very angry. She is lazy and rude. Treats my DM like her personal slave. My DM collects her dirty plates and laundry from her bedroom floor. If she didn't, my sister would rage about her clothes not being washed and ready as she needs them. She is spoilt and ungrateful. She will not help anyone, she has never had a boyfriend as she sees most people as beneath her.

Last night, my sister verbally abused me in front of my DD AGAIN.

DD was having a tantrum about going to bed. Nothing major, but hey, she is 5, it happens sometimes. DD is actually a really good kid and rarely acts this way.
DSis is unwell and was resting in bed. After around 5 minutes of screaming (which I was dealing with, and DD was slowly calming down), my sister came FLYING out of her room, door slammed back against the wall, and yelled "FUCKKKK!" at the top of her voice. She came storming down the corridor to DD's room and was about to launch into a rant at DD. I calmly told her that she should go back to bed, that I was dealing with DD, shouting wouldn't help the situation and would only make it worse. (I promise that I did not shout, I said it in a normal voice. DD was already screaming, I wasn't going to add to the noise).
She just went mad. Screaming at the top of her lungs. She hates me, I'm a nasty piece of shit, I'm a little bitch, she hates me, I can fuck off and I'm a cunt. She slammed her bedroom door and I could hear her just screaming ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and slamming her wardrobe door again and again. Of course DD can hear all of this. I did not react, I walked away when she started screaming like I always do. There is no point trying to argue or reason because she does not listen and just shouts louder. DD calmed down and went to sleep after a while.

This is not a one-off, this happens on a fairly regular basis. My DM is my DF and DSis enabler, they never face any consequences after behaving this way. They aren't even challenged.

My DSis punched me in the face last year. My DM was angry at ME for not wanting to talk to her afterwards. (I would ruin Christmas, what would other people think etc). Another time, I told my DM (10 years later) that I had been raped. She only asked me if I had been drinking, no further discussion. Last night, I was told that "she is unwell, she shouldn't have done that but let's face it, you're not whiter than white, you do things wrong sometimes too. You're just as bad as each other". It always has to SOME WAY be my fault.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm human, but this was in NO WAY my fault. My Sis (dropping the D) verbally abuses me again and again in this way and I can't take any more. I cried myself to sleep. My stress levels rise just by walking in the house. I HATE that my DD is exposed to this but I have no other option. I don't know what to do other than to continue to avoid everyone as much as I possibly can.

I'm sorry, there is no question or conculsion to this post, other than to say I am so so low and I don't know what to do next.

MumBoots Mon 18-Aug-14 10:45:59

This sounds like a very difficult situation, with no easy way out.

How far off saving for a deposit on a place are you, realistically? Could you afford to rent a 1 bed flat somewhere, even? I agree - it isnt an environment that sounds healthy for your DD. What yore gaining in terms of long term financial security, you are losing massively in terms of having a calm and stable life for yourself and your DD.

Matildathecat Mon 18-Aug-14 10:49:46

Are you sure you wouldn't qualify for housing benefit? I know you want to buy but surely getting out is the priority now. Unless you move right away which sounds like a plan.

Talk to your health visitor because your dd and you are living with abuse. Also talk to housing about your situation and any housing associations locally.

But for gods sake move out. Your family sound horrid.

InMyShell Mon 18-Aug-14 10:50:52

Sept 2015 is my goal, I would have enough by then.

It's so hard to weigh up what is more important, financial vs emotional stability. I have a history of depression, PTSD, low self-esteem, anxiety etc. I'm worried that I will crack by next year.

But, for what it's worth, my DD actually seems happy there. My DF has mellowed a lot in the last few years, my Sis is the main issue and it's always aimed at me, never DD (I would NEVER allow that, and she knows it)

HauntedNoddyCar Mon 18-Aug-14 10:52:05

Could you look at changing job so you are outside London where you could afford to rent or buy?

Or see if there are any house shares available with another lone parent or suitable person?

The situation does sound awful for you and your dd.

Seabright Mon 18-Aug-14 10:54:00

What about a house share? I have a lodger and don't charge the massive deposits landlords do or the admin fees that letting agents do.

Try looking on spareroom.co.uk

May09Bump Mon 18-Aug-14 10:56:25

What about trying to get a job and rent outside of london - maybe speak to cab to see if there are any agencies that could help with deposit etc. Also, speak to refuge as you / and your daughter are being abused and they could have some suggestions. I'm sorry you are in this situation - you should also get some help and support about being raped. God I wish I could be of more help - but honestly think some of the above agencies may help you find an answer.

myroomisatip Mon 18-Aug-14 10:57:29

why not move out of London?

springydaffs Mon 18-Aug-14 10:57:31

Bloody hell, you've got to get out. Living in a shed would be better than living there.

You don't have to stay in London, for example. You MUST get your dd out of this terrible, poisonous, house. It's a mad house.

I don't know what orgs you can talk to to get some tips on how to get out. Shelter would be a good port of call. I hope someone comes along with some concrete advice.

Poor you, it sounds terrible.

InMyShell Mon 18-Aug-14 10:57:55

I've looked into rents etc, the minimum amount is �800pcm. I'm on Rightmove now!!! That is for a tiny 2 bed flat above a shop in a horrible area. Not incuding council tax etc. Just completely priced out. I would move somewhere a bit grim and make it my own, but the fact is I cannot afford even the grottiest of places and its horrible.

I earn too much for social housing but not enough for private. sad

I need to stay in the area for DD's Dad, school, childcare etc. My job is ver London centric and I would find it difficult to move.

Feeling very claustrophobic.

InMyShell Mon 18-Aug-14 10:59:04

Thank you everyone for replying thanks

InMyShell Mon 18-Aug-14 11:01:16

I will speak to CAB or someone about tax credits, housing benefit etc. I have asked before and was rejected, I now earn about �300 more per year since the last time so I'm doubtful. But will try. Thank you

springydaffs Mon 18-Aug-14 11:04:19

What about researching shared ownership? I think that's what it's called - you buy part and rent part, increasing the buy part in increments as and when.

CAB definitely would give you some solid advice - you may have to go along in person as its' impossible to get through on the phone. Women's Aid would also be a big help - 0808 2000 247 (call between 7pm-7am, lines too busy during the day). I agree that this is abuse. No wonder you went on to have a crap relationship if this was the model you grew up with.

InMyShell Mon 18-Aug-14 11:13:32

Good idea about shared ownership Springy, thank you. I will definitely look into that.

I am very sorry about my long OP, I feel so lost and down but I appreciate the kind words

springydaffs Mon 18-Aug-14 11:22:34

Just looked at Shelter website, looks like they're just for your situatiin. Advice line 0808 800 4444. Be clear about the abuse when you talk to them. Your family may minimise the abuse but don't you. Perhaps they're all used to it but it's NOT normal.

I also think children's orgs would have some good advice. Your daughter can't stay there OP, it is so damaging for her to be witnessing that stuff sad. I don't wish to alarm you but SS would agree.

Castlemilk Mon 18-Aug-14 11:27:57

All of the advice above. And also - when you do move, do your DD a most fantastic favour, and cut your so-called 'sister' out.

springydaffs Mon 18-Aug-14 11:29:46

Just because it's a woman perpetrating the abuse doesn't mean it's not abuse.

Didn't find your OP long. You had to explain the story.

Frazzaboo Mon 18-Aug-14 11:41:28

I live in East London at the moment, you can rent in areas like Barking for around 800 pounds a month, it may not be the best area but better and healthier than at home in your situation. What is the point of a nice neighbourhood if you and your daughter are in a toxic environment.
What about asking help from boyfriend for now? Surely, your mental wellbeing is also important.

springydaffs Mon 18-Aug-14 11:42:30

Something's got to give, I suspect. Housing firstly, of course, but also ex/nursery/job etc. You may have to jig one/some of them. Housing a priority though.

It may seem overwhelming to you now, particularly as you've been ground down by living with abuse (that's what abuse does to you op), but take it a step at a time.

Sorry for multiple posting.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Mon 18-Aug-14 11:44:32

All of this horribly abusive behaviour around your child will be having an effect. Have absolutely no doubt about that. Both of you need to get out of there, even if it means renting a hovel now rather than buying somewhere later. The stress must be awful for you, too.

Have you consulted the "entitled to" or "turn2 us" websites to see what benefits you might be able to claim? Or your Local Authority's website to see what LHA they might contribute towards? In your position I'd be willing to rent a one-bed and sleep on a sofa-bed in the living-room if I had to rather than endure the hell that living at home is for you right now.

springydaffs Mon 18-Aug-14 11:55:58

Google 'emergency housing in London' to see if any if it applies to you (eg I saw a site for Richmond council, don't know where you are) and to get the ball rolling. Ideally you want to protect your deposit savings but you may well have to consider emergency housing for the interim.

Shelter should give you all this advice anyway.

VanitasVanitatum Mon 18-Aug-14 12:12:36

Have you looked at Help to Buy?

InMyShell Mon 18-Aug-14 12:30:18

Thank you for the suggestions, I'm looking into all available options. I wasn't aware of the Help to Buy scheme at all. Looking at one bed flats now. At this point I'd sleep in a cardboard box to get away, but DD deserves something cockroach-free, at least.

I need to get my DD away from this situation.

In the very short term, she is staying at her Dad's for a fortnight (it's his turn to cover summer hols), and I am having her on the weekend. My friend has offered her house this weekend as she is away. So that gives me a couple of weeks of breathing space to figure out what to do.

FantasticButtocks Mon 18-Aug-14 13:00:41

It's so hard to weigh up what is more important, financial vs emotional stability. emotional stability is more important.

Moving you and your dd out of this toxic and harmful environment needs to be your top priority.

Your situation sounds very difficult, and has been going on too long, but tis good that you've got a bit of time and space now to sort something as, for the good of your and your dd's health and wellbeing, this really cannot continue.

I hope some of pp's suggestions have helped and hope you find something soon. Best of luck thanks

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now