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If you found out after many years of marriage that your dh had in the past sexually assaulted another woman...

(88 Posts)
mosp Sun 17-Aug-14 00:46:29

...what would you do? Would you refuse to believe it? What if you found that on balance it was likely to be true, what would you do? If you had 3 children and you really thought your life was normal.

[Message from MNHQ. The OP has asked us to make posters aware that she is onomatophobic about a certain word, and unable to deal with seeing it written down. Please read the full thread before responding.]

RJnomore Sun 17-Aug-14 00:50:40

I would want to talk to him about it.

What does he have to say?

DiaDuit Sun 17-Aug-14 00:50:58

I would need more info than wht you have given first of all.

How did you find out?
What was the extent of the assault?
Have you asked him?
What did he say?
Do you believe him?
Has he told you everything?

What do YOU want to do?

mosp Sun 17-Aug-14 00:56:45

Actually, I am not the wife. I'm the one he did it to nearly 18 years ago.
Second thoughts, it is a stupid question. I would never tell her. I'm just upset.

DiaDuit Sun 17-Aug-14 00:58:29

Ah. So sorry this happened to you OP. did you report him? Would you now?

AlpacaYourThings Sun 17-Aug-14 00:59:25

I would be horrified, absolutely horrified. There's not a chance I would stay with him.

mosp Sun 17-Aug-14 01:03:22

It would be wrong of me to break up his current family. I'm just upset because he found me on fb last week, after all these years. He only wanted to know if I had his child (at the time I was a student abroad and I ran away because of him). He's been searching for me on and off all these years. He doesn't seem to care about me. It has raked up so much pain though.
I was just looking through his wife's fb and she really seems to be a decent woman. She obv doesn't have any idea about me.

DiaDuit Sun 17-Aug-14 01:10:24

If he is stalking you online and harassing you, you can report this to the police. You dont have to disclose the assault but you can if you wish. You wouldnt be breaking up his family. It would be the natural consequences of his chosen actions catching up with him. ((Hugs)) to you OP. protect yourself. Does he know where you live? He sounds like he will try to find out.

mosp Sun 17-Aug-14 01:13:13

No, he is not harassing me. He only wanted to know about the child. When I expressed to him how badly he damaged me, he got agitated and told me to drop it because I was 'making him ill'. That was last Wed or Thurs and nothing further since. I doubt he'll ever contact me again.

DiaDuit Sun 17-Aug-14 01:16:47

He sounds like a vile pathetic coward. Checking whether what he'd done to you was likely to catch up with him but not willing to actually face what he'd done. angry

I am so sorry he intruded on your life to upset you like this. He is a selfish bastard. I hope he is gone from your life now and wont do any more damage. Please take care of yourself and know that you can always report the assault at any time.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary Sun 17-Aug-14 01:17:05

Take screenshots of his messages, send a brief reply telling him that you do not want to hear from him again, you will consider any further contact as harassment and will report it to the authorities. Then block him. He has no power over you. As for telling his family, I think you'd end up engaging with him in a way you clearly don't want.

RJnomore Sun 17-Aug-14 01:17:22

Ok if someone now told me that about my husband.

I would be disbelieving becaus that is not my experience of him but I would look at him and think, what are other people's experience of him?

And it it went back a long long time, I would wonder. I really would.

But that's my experience of living with a good man. If he hadn't been a good man it would be different. If he had been abusive to me I would know. I might not want to admit it op, but I would know.

DiaDuit Sun 17-Aug-14 01:18:49

I am guessing that because it was almost 18 years ago he is worried about someone turning up on his doorstep when they hit 18 to say they are his child?

Did you become pregnant as a result of the assault?

mosp Sun 17-Aug-14 01:20:53

It really is too complicated. I wish I could hate him and block him. However, I am so broken by his actions and I have warped feelings for him. He wrecked all my dreams. I want to give him the chance to truly apologise.

mosp Sun 17-Aug-14 01:22:44

No, I do not have his child. I didn't want to tell him that at first. It was one tiny remnant of control for me. Then my conscience got the better of me and I came clean. I don't know if he believes me though.

ArcheryAnnie Sun 17-Aug-14 01:23:03

I'm so sorry that this fucking asshat assaulted you then, and then has the temerity to contact you now with anything other than an abject apology and an offer to report himself to the police. That he then prioritises his own stupid feelings on top of dragging this up again for you is just unconscionable.

What a fucking asshat he is. I hope you have some support IRL as well as here.

thanks thanks

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary Sun 17-Aug-14 01:24:27

He doesn't want to apologise and won't. He's trying to protect himself and the life he's created for himself. He doesn't care about you or a child, he's covering his arse. You owe him nothing.

DiaDuit Sun 17-Aug-14 01:26:22

Have you had any counselling? He wont apologise- he wont even face what he has done. He is just concerned with protecting himself. You more than likely wont hear from him again now that he knows what he wanted to know.

Please dont torture yourself by waiting for some action on his part before allowing yourself to move on. You wont ever be able to if you wait for that.

mosp Sun 17-Aug-14 01:32:12

He seems to be a good dh now. I have also spoken to his friend, who tried to act as a bit of a go-between. There is a language barrier because I have forgotten how to speak P'guese and he is rubbish at English.
It is complicated.
He is from another culture where it is acceptable to choose your woman and just take her. He says that he loved me and wanted a relationship at the time. It was unfortunate that I didn't want sex. Inconvenient for him that he was obliged to force me down and overpower me. He would have preferred cooperation.
From my perspective, he dragged me away from a club and forced me, despite my protests and struggles. I have partial amnesia about it. It was a complete shock.
We were just coming from totally different points of view.

wyrdyBird Sun 17-Aug-14 01:36:22

It's unlikely he'll apologise. Chances are high he's assaulted others too. Such a man would never make a good husband for anyone.
I'm sorry he's come back and shaken you again.

DiaDuit Sun 17-Aug-14 01:38:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mosp Sun 17-Aug-14 01:41:12

Arghhhh. Sorry, I didn't explain before. I have a HUGE phobia of that word. I can't look. Sorry. Sorry.
Thank you for trying to help.
Can someone bump up the thread a bit to get rid of that word from my vision? Sorry! Any euphemism is fine.
I know that makes me really weird. I have onomatophobia

RJnomore Sun 17-Aug-14 01:44:15

I'll bump.

I don't think I gave you the answer you need, so I want to apologise,

I put an honest answer to the question in the thread title.

It's not the situation you are meaning though.

Mosp, you didn't do this,

He did,

You didn't.

I'm sorry it's come back after so long. I had some bad experiences myself and I don't know how I would cope with them coming back now.

SavoyCabbage Sun 17-Aug-14 01:45:20

Bump

wyrdyBird Sun 17-Aug-14 01:46:41

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