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Help me deal with this woman!

(140 Posts)
Sabellassweatyforehead Sat 16-Aug-14 15:52:20

It's pointless going into the past details, but this is just concerning a woman in my family who I am having a really hard time with. There are certain things she does that I need your help with how to react to her when she does them. They are things like:

- ignores me when she enters the room but acknowledges everyone else in the room excitedly
- despite being married herself (but very insecure in her marriage) frequently takes my DH off to do activities together like climbing and rowing while we are on holiday. I am pregnant so cannot do these things at the moment and hubby likes them and likes that he can do them with someone while I get a rest. But she is extremely giggly and flirtatious with him, takes lots of pictures of them together and posts them on FB. She also gets DH to help her do activities and care for her kids (her husband avoids her and is rarely around or available) so much so that I feel sometimes like I am watching a family together - husband, wife and children - even though he is my husband.
- my DH got dressed up in a wetsuit to go surfing and looked really funny, so I said I wanted to take a picture. As I was lining him up against the background, i heard a voice from behind me "oh (her private nickname for him) you look so funny, let me take a picture!" with that she pushed (literally) past me, whipped out her camera phone and stood in front of me and took the picture! As if he was her husband!
- She changes every single conversation to be about her
- when I am with my friends she is incredibly nice to them and overly intimate. She met my best friend for the first time two weeks ago and said she liked her nail polish and could she (my BF) please paint her toenails for her in the bathroom. My friend, surprised, but wanting to be polite, agreed. She then took my BF into the bathroom and locked the door and left me standing outside where she talked and laughed very loudly with her. Afterwards my BF said it was very strange!
- if she cannot get a foot hold in a group conversation or if attention is being directed towards me, she creates a diversion with her kids. Say I am talking about something to the group, in the middle of me talking she will interrupt and say loudly to my DH "please can you take DS3 to the bathroom because he said a minute ago he wants to go." My DH gets up, people shunt around in their chairs, and she uses the distraction to forget what I was saying and talk about herself again.
- she is so dominant. Her voice is very loud and shrill and when she is around I can hear her everywhere. As I am resting a lot with this pregnancy, I can often hear her outside my bedroom announcing to people that she can't believe how long I have been sleeping for and she hopes that nothing is wrong with me, in this sing-songy voice. My traction is usually moody, or to stay in bed longer rather than have to leave the room and face the "attitude" towards my resting that she has set up with the rest of the family

What IS this? And how can I combat it? It is so subtle and subversive and she is so incredibly charming to everyone else that nobody really sees what's going on. I can't exactly say "stop trying to take the photo I was going to take." Or "please don't ask my DH for help with your DCs." Or "why do you say hello to everyone and not to me when you come into the room?" That just feels pathetic and like I care too much. But how do I get a foothold?

1FluffyJumper Sat 16-Aug-14 15:58:35

What does your husband do / say when she's fawning all over him?

LadyLuck10 Sat 16-Aug-14 16:02:28

What does your husband do about it?

She sounds vile!
What does your DH think? Has he said to you that he isn't happy with her behaviour?
I think you need to put up a united front and DH needs to speak up a bit, she is getting away with too much. Is she estranged from her DH? Does she live with you?

LondonRocks Sat 16-Aug-14 16:04:06

She sounds like a toxic cunt.

What does your DH say? Surely he must think she's odd? Or is she moving in on him?

I think some day this behaviour is Wendy-ing. Can you stop your family from spending time with her in future?

LondonRocks Sat 16-Aug-14 16:04:25

*say

ThirdPoliceman Sat 16-Aug-14 16:04:46

Hmmm. Difficult to deal with without you looking a bit foolish.
Clearly she is jealous of you/ has a thing for your husband or both. Probably both.
I would discuss this with your DH and make sure he understands how this woman makes you feel. At least he can then present a front united with you to this woman.
Have you heard of this 'Wendy' thing? It's when someone tries to wedge herself into your social group and tries to cut you out. She sounds a bit of a Wendy to me.
Be wary dealing with her. She has an agenda!

myroomisatip Sat 16-Aug-14 16:04:49

Dear God what horrible behaviour and how unpleasant for you.

This really is as much about your DH. You tell him outright that you are fed up with the amount of time he is spending with her and that, as you said in your op, you feel as if 'they' are the family.

Quite honestly, if he is not 100% understanding and repentant then I would leave, or ask him to. Her behaviour is shocking but he is complicit.

LondonRocks Sat 16-Aug-14 16:05:43

What would probably really piss her off is you taking or asking about her husband - in the same faux worried manner...

PopcornFrenzy Sat 16-Aug-14 16:06:17

Sounds like she's jealous and wants your place, how very odd. I understand how you feel about you'll come over pathetic if you voice your concerns, she sounds very stealthy!

CeliaFate Sat 16-Aug-14 16:08:02

You're being Wendied. (Google Judy Blume for reference). She's jealous of you and wants all attention on her. Kill her with kindness and when she says something bitchy (she will!) look confused and repeat what she said loudly. Don't slag her off or she will be able to play the victim.

Finola1step Sat 16-Aug-14 16:09:22

Well it sort of depends in her role in the family.

If she is his sister, then I would say that she is over invested in your DH and she is jealous of the relationship he has with you.

If she is his SIL or other family member who has married into his family, then she fancies him and sees him as everything her own DH is not.

If she is your sister (or family member) then this would suggest that you have much bigger, deep seated issues on your hands.

So what is she?

Quitelikely Sat 16-Aug-14 16:09:34

You say a woman in your family - is she your sister? Can she be avoided? Can you treat her the same way she treats you?

Finola1step Sat 16-Aug-14 16:10:21

Oh no, just had a thought. It's not your own mother is it?

CeliaFate Sat 16-Aug-14 16:15:14

I would also be a bit sneaky. Whisper in dh's ear. Be extra tactile with him when she's around. If she says things like "oh you don't mind if I borrow dh do you?" Reply "no dh will help anyone who's desperate." Sweet smile.

1FluffyJumper Sat 16-Aug-14 16:18:37

I reckon mother too!
Deal with husband first. If he knows how much she is upsetting you and acts appropriately going forward it's a problem halved.

CeliaFate Sat 16-Aug-14 16:22:41

God I hope it's not your mother! I would guess sister or cousin.
If you are sleeping or resting and she announces to everyone that she can't believe how long you've been asleep, when you come out say how poorly you feel so you need extra special cuddles from DH. grin

sweetnessandlite Sat 16-Aug-14 16:24:49

SIL?

Sabellassweatyforehead Sat 16-Aug-14 16:29:01

She's my SIL. Her H and my DH are brothers. Her H and her are technically still married but he is never ever with the family.

DH feels a sense of responsibility towards her, I think, and to be a "man" in her kids' life. Plus the kids are his nephews and nieces and DH and I don't have any kids yet. Only one on the way.

I think it also sounds pathetic to say to DH that I feel pushed out. He will say how? And again it sounds pathetic to say that she took the photo instead of me, or she forgot to say hello to me, or that she volunteered to accompany him on something I couldn't/wouldn't go on.

DH pays me a lot of attention at all other times, so I don't feel like she is stealing him, per se, but I have to say it's quite surreal while I look through the window imprisoned in my bedroom and see my DH (who looks exactly like his brother) playing "daddy" with the family. They all look like something out of a Thomsons brochure.

Today DH took his nephews on a boy's only fishing trip and they were texting each other throughout the day and she was giving everyone updates on what DH was doing with her sons and funny things he was saying. I literally want to scream at everyone and fly home, but then if I lose my cool, I become that pathetic person again.

GaryShitpeas Sat 16-Aug-14 16:30:56

My god she sounds awful shock and unhinged

She sounds like a cunt.

But to be honest dh sounds no better, no way would I allow a male family member to override my own dh.

Is she related to him or you?

CeliaFate Sat 16-Aug-14 16:32:33

Does your dh know how you feel or see how she treats you?

sebsmummy1 Sat 16-Aug-14 16:33:53

Why are you altogether in this way? Are you on holiday or something?

First port of call is husband, ask him if he has noticed her ways and what he thinks? If he is totally oblivious I'm not sure what you can do bar avoid her or situations with her as any comment you might make to get her to back off will be met with defence and will get twisted I'm sure.

Who is she in the family, I'm sure we could give better advice if we knew.

X posted

Have you pulled her up on her behaviour?

LadyLuck10 Sat 16-Aug-14 16:35:42

Sorry but unless you have brought it up with him I don't see the point of seething away when you haven't tried tackling the issue.

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