Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can someone make sense of this.

(93 Posts)
ginandlime Sat 16-Aug-14 13:20:48

i am controlled, if not by emotion, by logic but the logic is not mine. It's that of an extraordinarily intelligent man. A man I love, although he is not the easier man he used to be.
He has always had an element of control, for over twenty years. He has been very ill and is now seriously disabled, but there are things he can do for himself, although he doesn't.
He's never done a school run, even when we lived within walking distance because 'he doesn't do mornings'. If I said anything the answer was that he was agorophobic. He is, seriously so, but he didn't often get up either. He's never used a washing machine, ironed. He's done other things and he's been a good father. He spent a couple of years cooking once a month.
We argue. More so, now than ever. I will never win an argument. He claims I never back down which is strange, because it's not the case, and I am usually the first to apologise if I get it wrong. I don't argue properly though, I argue emotionally and I get frustrated when he wants to discuss the structure of the argument rather than the point. All this though, is about keeping me in my place. I want to talk about this but it just leaves a complete muddle in my head when I try to untangle it. I know I'm being emotionally abused but I can't describe exactly how. He stomps off to bed when he doesn't get his own way. He controls every fucking room in the house. We can't watch what we want to on the television because he is too disabled to sit on his chair in his study and read or he's bored lying on the bed. We can't make too much noise or listen to music in the conservatory because it's off the sitting room. Can't clean the house because he is up all night and sleeps during the day.
He is the only person I have ever met who complains if his coffee isn't handed to him at immediate drinking temperature, in other words, he cannot wait for it to cool down. He wakes me up almost every night, deliberately.
Our clothes come from charity shops, his from a high street expensive brand. He has a fixed amount out of the bank account every month which is his money to spend as he chooses. This does not include clothes, books, comic books, that's all the family budget. I do not have extra money to spend as I choose, although in fairness he doesn't often question what I spend.
I got something wrong yesterday (in his eyes) I tried to apologise, but wasn't allowed to. I offered to take him to collect something today, but I forgot to re-offer this morning, so he's not happy about that.
I cook meals that aren't suitable. God, have you ever cooked one of those meals that turns out different every time - spag bol for example, if it's different, he won't eat it, I know he has AS, but crikey, a spag bol isn't that different each time.
He uses the dc to create arguments and then blames them, for it going pear shaped, This morning dd1 chatting about what she is doing today and she fucked up (slightly) a coffee she was making for me. No big deal. I just laughed and made another, he had a go at her. We had literally, just got up. Really unfair. He will have a go at her when she's had a few drinks, again, unfair.
I keep trying to make things right but nothing is, it's all my fault and I can't see reason. I rung my 30 year old the other week to check that I wasn't as unhinged as dh says I am. 30 year old says I'm fine.
This is a muddle, because the incidents merge into one and I know he's being unreasonable but I can't for the life of me fish out the exact incidences. We have to accept, without question how difficult his life is, but without acknowledging that there is an impact upon anybody involved with his wellbeing.
I do everything I can to make his life easier. I'd like things too, I'd like to go out once in a while, other than to a supermarket. I'd like to have friends, go for coffee, go to the pictures, can't do any of those things. I went to a funeral recently and paid big time for being out all day. I went to a wedding two days after and paid again.
I actually wish he'd be violent so I had a good solid reason.

Davidtennantmistress Sat 16-Aug-14 13:28:11

You're being abused, you don't need to have physical abuse to leave some one you know, just the understanding that you're worth so much more and that this atmosphere and behaviour is no good and not acceptable to you.

You've become conditioned.

I will openly admit I know nothing of as, however I feel he's using that to beat you over the head metaphorically every time you step out of line, he's a controlling manipulative egotistical person.

Time to take back charge of your life. If your daughter lived like this in 20 years time what would you tell her?

Perfectlypurple Sat 16-Aug-14 13:35:51

Domestic abuse isn't just physical, that's why the word abuse is preferred to violence as domestic violence sounds like if it's not physical it isn't a problem.

You are being abused. I hope you can see that and get some support to leave.

Nanny0gg Sat 16-Aug-14 13:41:14

I actually wish he'd be violent so I had a good solid reason

You've got a good solid reason. You are unhappy and there is no chance of it getting better. I seriously doubt that he's been a good father. And you are his carer and his housekeeper - without time off or a salary.

Have you family support? Do you work?

You need to get your children away from this.

LittleBlueMouse Sat 16-Aug-14 13:46:08

He won't change, AS alone will ensure that change is impossible, let alone the issue of his anger that he has a disability. Neither of these things can change.

I have to say, I have some sympathy with both of you. Years ago I worked with a man who was very similar to the man you describe. The behaviour was driven by fear and the feeling of inferiority, vulnerability and lack of control. The idea that their life and their environment was under the control of others, and that they had to depend on persons who didn't understand the importance of coffee being room temp or curtains being pulled back correctly etc,... Anyhow, his wife left him, can't say I blame her.

Tabithatwit Sat 16-Aug-14 13:49:52

For heavens sake women get a grip. Stop using your unpleasant husband as an excuse for not having a life! Of course you can go out and enjoy yourself. You say yourself he isn't violent, what on earth is the worst that can happen?
All that silly stuff about noise, if he is well enough to wander about waking you up then you can wake him up. Get him into a reasonable routine much like a baby. You have clearly spoilt him rotten for years and got a spoilt child in return. Cut back on the pandering.
Stand up for yourself not by shouting but by not reacting to every little moan from this ridiculous creature.
If you want your life to change work on creating a bit of emotional distance. Like all bullies he will miss the attention, but he needs to earn your attention not just shout for it.
Or do you prefer being the little woman and feel safer not having to think for yourself?
By the tone of your letter change is quite a long way off but I look forward to hearing that you have dumped all his fancy clothes at the local the charity shop.

doziedoozie Sat 16-Aug-14 13:50:07

He sounds a bitter and angry man to me.

I would divorce him to ensure I get my share of the money, because he sounds twisted enough to leave his money to the local cats home.

You can still visit and support him after you are apart, but at least you can then choose how much of this rude nastiness you have to listen to!

See a solicitor.

borisgudanov Sat 16-Aug-14 13:52:09

Being disabled isn't an excuse for behaving like a fucking twat. LTB.

ginandlime Sat 16-Aug-14 16:09:36

Apparently I'm the abusive one. He has spent years supporting me with our children (true) and now I'm not supporting him, equally true because they're 18, and although still at school he is unreasonable to them. I am warping reality and dd is apparently driving a wedge between us. He actually told her that! WTF!

Hissy Sat 16-Aug-14 19:05:51

ALL abusers accuse their victims of abusing them, it's a top drawer weapon.

Please get out, leave him, and don't look back.

You've wasted enough of your life with him.

He can get a carer, he may even be forced to address his abject laziness that he's calling agoraphobia.

He's vile, and will wear you down to nothing. When the only escape plan you have is to die.

Don't waste your life on him. He's not worth it.

Hissy Sat 16-Aug-14 19:06:41

Please get your dc away from him. They're being abused too sad

ginandlime Sat 16-Aug-14 19:21:47

I'm sorry, I've found a way of doing this so that he (hopefully) can't find it, so bits are coming out. I apologise, it's not a drip feed, I promise, it's just getting it out so that I can clear my head.
Hissy he hasn't in the past, but yes, I see your point. I am thinking things through. He is currently being ultra depressed because he's feeling unloved and me being the cruel person I am has told him he has to earn it. So, he's on the couch and every so often telling me he is in pain, or having a panic about a heart attack, all attempts to get me back in the caring role so I forget about everything else. Not this time, matey.

StuntNun Sat 16-Aug-14 19:30:53

I'm no expert but I'd say the first thing you need to do is establish some boundaries for yourself.

MillyDots Sat 16-Aug-14 19:38:12

Have you tried telling him that either he just changes or you want to split up....and mean it!. Sometimes it takes being put right on the very edge to cause someone to change. If he doesn't change or isn't willing to work on it then why stay. Just why? It isn't worth it. You could have a lovely little happy life with your dc in a little house doing what you want, eating what you want and watching what you want. He doesn't deserve you.
Was there a point when you feel he stopped loving you? Do you love him?
Is there any adult love in your relationship?

eddielizzard Sat 16-Aug-14 19:45:05

THIS IS YOUR LIFE.

for you, time doesn't fly by while you're having fun. it's flying by while you placate and pander to an abusive, angry, vindictive man. worse still, for your children too.

i don't see any positive reason to stay, really i don't.

please phone women's aid and take brilliant advice on here on how to start living YOUR life.

QueenQueenie Sat 16-Aug-14 20:00:08

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO STAY MARRIED TO THIS HORRIBLE MAN.

Hissy Sat 16-Aug-14 20:22:57

He's in no more pain than I am.

Well i'm a bit sunburnt, so perhaps I'M in more pain than he is. He's manipulating you, and you know it.

I used to be agoraphobic too, it keeps you indoors/away from crowds, not IN BED.

Leave him. I guarantee your life will be the better for it.

Actually so might his, as he'll have to take responsibility for himself somehow!

HumblePieMonster Sat 16-Aug-14 21:05:47

I was going to answer your post/s line by line, but actually, your situation isn't complicated.

AS does not give people the right to impose misery on others.

Leave him. Or if its your house, pack his stuff and throw him out. Don't bother giving him 'chances'. He's had 20 years.

If you think you'll be happier without him, shake him off.

saltnpepa Sat 16-Aug-14 21:13:07

I'm sorry to put this so bluntly but what you have described sounds like living in a prison. This is not a life, at least not one you should be living. Make a plan to leave, a safe and secret plan and get the hell away from him. None of this is negotiable, none of it is fixable, just cut yourself free.

When you say he has AS, do you mean he has a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome? Forgive me if I'm being a bit dense, it's just that mention his physical disability and agarophobia and then you lob in that he has AS. I was wondering if predictive text changed MS, for example. If he is on the autistic spectrum, it would explain some of his behaviours, that would answer your initial question and thread title. I can PM you, with the explanations, if you would like.

ginandlime Sat 16-Aug-14 23:27:34

cheapskate He has a diagnosis of AS. It wasn't meant to be a 'lob in' it was me just trying to get things down. And whilst it may explain some of the behaviours it doesn't mean that it's acceptable. If someone cooks you a meal, you make some sort of effort. I accept that there are times when it really cannot be eaten. I do not accept that there are regular times when coffee cannot be drunk, and even if that were the case, there is no need to be either rude, aggressive or both. I really, really know about AS, and I know about his AS and how it is used to control me.

QueenQueenie Sun 17-Aug-14 00:08:42

So why are you still trying to make sense of this? What do you want to happen?

LuluJakey1 Sun 17-Aug-14 01:51:11

This man is not going to change- if anything he is going to get worse.

You have two choices:
1. LTB
2. Stay and put up with it.

RJnomore Sun 17-Aug-14 02:06:41

Lulu has it spot on.

He won't change,

Do you want to live the rest of your life like this. Because that is your decisions.

I totally agree that there is no need for him to be rude and/or aggressive. Thank you for clarifying for me that he has AS. It sounds as if his autistic behaviours have worsened. For example, he used to cook once a month and now he doesn't. To me, it sounds as if you used to have your boundaries in place, but they got moved back, presumably because of his illness, when his physical condition worsened. For your sake and for your DCs, you need to re-establish some. I know it's hard, but to do this you will have to argue his way, try not to get emotional, just stick to facts. If his response is to stomp off to bed, convince yourself that's his problem. You get the chance to use the rooms downstairs he normally controls, make the most of it! Best of luck with this, I have personal experience of how difficult it can be & have PMd you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now