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Emotionally abusive bullying husband

(62 Posts)
Sickandtired14 Sat 16-Aug-14 11:09:25

Yesterday I was out all day at my mums as I'm due a baby in 4 weeks time and I was organising all my baby stuff from when dd was born 2 years ago. Basket, car seat etc. I stayed at mums til it was DD's bedtime and she fell asleep in the car and I got her out, upstairs and into bed. All sound asleep. DH was home and I had been all evening. He knew we were on our way but he decided that the exact moment I put her into her cot was the same moment he NEEDED to put a large pile of clean clothes into her room and, of course, he had to put them on top of a carrier bag. Therefore... He woke her up. Now she's seen daddy and refuses to go back to sleep. I tried to resettle, did a bit if controlled crying as were having sleep issues anyway, but ultimately after an hour she wasn't sleeping and he was getting grumpy and angry and nasty so I got her up. He then starts on me that I'm inconsistent - he's pissed off that I wouldn't let him get straight away - and he starts shouting and swearing at me in front of her when I was keeping my voice low steady and calm. She bursts into tears and he blames me.

He slept on the sofa. This morning he isn't speaking to me. Is clearly fuming. His eyes are like a thunder storm. Clenched jaw. Stomping around refusing eye contact etc.
We were supposed to start potty training today. Everything was set up as we had a plan etc.
He then randomly, without any communication gets her dresses and takes her out to Tesco. In the past when I've tried to get him to take her he always says no and has some excuse so this was done to annoy me and to scupper my potty training plans. He gets angry when I mention the PT and snaps that I can just do it after lunch.
They come back from Tesco and he puts her to nap without saying happy nap time to me. Again may seem petty but it's done to hurt me.

I then broach him about something else - he have her an orange and her top is covered in it and he never soaks them or anything. Just leaves them and it bothers me greatly cos I am the one that ends up scrubbing clothes cos he's too lately to put it on a bowl of water - and he flips out. He's screaming at me so I tell him to get out. He refuses and starts yelling and pointing about all sorts of stuff. I defend myself and feel off the happenings of the last 16 hours and ask him if he thinks that his behaviour is acceptable and why is it all my fault?? He ignores me. I ask him 3 times 'r u just going to ignore me then?' And after that I say, fine get out but stay out' and he then decides he's going to shower and take ages etc.
This is my stupid bit- I decide he's not and that if he is going to treat me so rudely and abusively then he can literally get out and I refuse to let him shower.
Were in the hallway and he is right in my face screaming and spitting and waving 2 fingers at me 'fuck you fuck you fuck you your a fucking bitch'.
He walked off to the living room and I went to the bedroom. I'm crying cos I'm angry. I'm 38 weeks pregnant.
And I sit here thinking 'I don't love him anymore'
After 20 mins he comes to apologise - sounds good but he almost never apologises. He always maintains that he is the innocent victim and I'm the one who is at wrong and I force him to do/say things so he has nothing to apologise for. I think he sees that I'm getting stronger and distant. As in the past I would have backed down instantly and just tried to get past it. But now I get angry and defensive. I won't be bullied.
I told him to go away that I had no interest in listening to him justify his behaviour. He stood there and started going 'oh right. So I'm a grown up and come to say sorry and u...' I didn't hear the rest cos I said 'real grown up screaming fuck you in your pregnant wife's face outside your sleeping daughters room....' And just repeated 'go away' til he did.

I don't even know what I'm asking. I don't like him. I don't think I love him anymore. He made my daughter cry last night cos he was so angry and aggressive and she picked up on it. He's made me cry today. He has no respect for me. He will twist it so this is all my fault. I know he will as that is just what he does.

I think I'm with him cos I'm scared of being alone with a toddler and a new born. And cos of finances. I don't know how I'll cope alone but it will still be better won't it?
I have tried so hard with him. I called the police 6 months ago as he pushed me during an argument and then broke stuff in the flat. My dd wasn't here. So this isn't the first time.
He's said awful said time in the past and is emotionally manipulative and abusive. I'm not an angel but I am not as nasty. I tend to hold my tongue from saying nasty things just to hurt but I do get sarcastic which just fuels things I know.

I just don't know how to end it. He had no where to go. He is here on visas and has no access to public funding and I feel guilty kicking him out and putting his visas at risk, not for him but for our children. If his visas are revoked then he will be sent back to his country and they won't see him. And that pisses me off cos I think that's not my responsibility.

Sickandtired14 Sat 16-Aug-14 11:22:49

All I keep thinking is what an awful mum I am. Subjecting my daughter to this and I'm due to have a son and this is his role model.... How can I do that!!

What's so supposedly bad about being on your own when you are currently with an abusive man?. This is the real him after all. What could be worse than what you describe now?. What you describe is domestic violence and the police have already been involved. Better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied. You would manage as a single parent and you would not live in fear or walk on eggshells any more.

He would be abusive regardless of whom he is with; its the way he has been made. You not being an angel has nothing to do with how he acts with you; he does this also because he can.

Is this what you want to show your child about relationships; that this is somehow normal to her. She is also being affected by the abuse that goes on at home. Your child and as yet unborn baby deserve to see far better from life.

It is not your fault he has nowhere to go; these men always end up somewhere and it is not your problem as to where he goes. He does not give a toss about you or his children for that matter, all such men think about is getting their own needs met.

Do you think he feels at all guilty about how you're being treated by him; of course not. He really does not deserve such consideration from you at all so stop feeling guilty. Let the Home Office revoke his visa if necessary; cut the rope.

Use outside help like the Police and Womens Aid to get this abuser out of your lives. You also need longer term support; Womens Aid Freedom Programme is good and is for women who have been in abusive relationships. Such men like the one you're currently with do take years to recover from.

Womens Aid number is 0808 2000 247. You can and should make a better life for yourself and that of your children because there is really no future for you or your children otherwise.

LadyLuck10 Sat 16-Aug-14 11:26:04

You poor thing thanks
You sound so tired and defeated. Please you need to take care of yourself, your baby is almost here. Your little baby and dd do not need this abusive man in your life.
Do you think your little dd is not absorbing this horrible atmosphere.

I hardly say ltb, but I think you need to do so. His visa issue is not your problem. Maybe him having to leave will be what you and your kids need.

FabULouse Sat 16-Aug-14 11:29:26

Hugs to you. Well done for getting this all out.

He's dangerous; not just emotionally abusive but has already pushed and shoved you and you describe someone who readily experiences barely controlled fury where it is abnormal to do so.

I don't know what to advise re splitting up/making him leave. But I know that to try to do so unsupported and alone would be seriously risky for you due to the history of his behaviour and the fact that he knows he is dependent on the family structure with regard to visa issues.

My gut feeling is to call in professional assistance - as someone about to have a newborn you will have swift access to resources whether you want to eject him or whether you want to to leave with your daughter.

You can discuss with Women's Aid - they will help involve your local police DV officers to facilitate him or you leaving and subsequent protective actions, and your midwifery team as well.

flowers

Sickandtired14 Sat 16-Aug-14 11:50:41

He won't leave and he keeps coming. And telling me how childish I'm being and how he is having to swallow his pride again and let things go etc. He was all calm and nice saying 'why don't u go out. Get some fresh air' and I just keep saying 'don't speak to me. Go away' and he is starting to get angry again. Annoyed that he can't bully me into submission or placate me with a fake niceness.

Why couldn't he just be fucking nice?? Why do they pretend? Why do they trick you into a relationship and family. I don't regret my kids of corse I don't. My dd is my world. And she adores him. But why the fuck are they so underhand.

Whose name is the house in? Given that he has already been violent enough for the police to have been called, you should be able to get court orders to keep him away without too much trouble.

As to why men like this 'trick' women into relationships, I'm afraid that in many cases the answer is: to stay in the UK.

Sickandtired14 Sat 16-Aug-14 12:40:50

SGB - I'm sick at the thought that your right. I feel stupid.
He did emotionally manipulate me into not having a wedding. When I said I wanted my family there he kicked off about money and planning and everything and accused me of not loving him. He cancelled the wedding (it had been booked with a registry office some 20 mins before this) and said it was a mistake to expect me to understand and he thought I loved him etc but clearly I don't otherwise I would see that a big wedding wasn't possible as we a) couldn't afford it and b) he didn't want to run the rock of being arrested in front of my family which would be embarrassing. I never even got a wedding ring. Something he promised to get but it's been 1.5 years since and nothing. Everytime I mention it he gets grumpy saying he can't afford it and I shouldn't be pressuring him and making him feel like shit.

I should never have married him but I felt I had no choice. I was trying to prove I loved him and would make this huge sacrifice for him I guess. He made it all worse by at 11pm the night before our 'wedding' he suddenly went all morose and said he was wrong to exclude my family and have his 2 best friends as witnesses and if I called my family could they make it which my mum could but no one else could.

I've been a prize idiot. The flat is in my name only.

We also argued bitterly about having a second baby and very nearly split up as he said no and I wanted one. He had a very sudden change of heart after visiting his mum in his home country and we fell pregnant again. And it has since been made clear to me that this second child is my 'compensation' for all the wedding stuff as I never got over that. I resent him hugely for denying me a wedding and a happy occasion and now feel bitter that he expects this child to 'make up for that and make it all ok'. Like a consolation prize. It angers me that he thinks about a child in those terms.

My dd adores him, she asks for him all day and all night. We have screaming tantrums when she wakes from a nap cos he isn't here and he is at work. We did split for 2 weeks a while back (after the police incident) and she was fine but has been clingy with him since then. I feel awful to take him away from her. Which I gather from these boards is a regular thing.
These men treat us like utter shite yet somehow we end up feeling guilty and in the wrong. It's not fair.

My emotions are everywhere. I feel sick and used and stupid. I really really feel stupid. Really fucking stupid

My love I had huge screaming arguments with my H and he hit me in front of DD when our marriage was collapsing and he was having an affair. My DCs were 2.3 years and 11 months when I separated. The government helped me for awhile and when I was strong enough and the DCs slightly older I returned to work. I managed with no financial help from ExH for quite sometime. You will too.

Speak to citizens advice and women's aid. Don't let guilt stop you.

I was kissing my DD this morning, thinking of 5 and a half years ago and how much better things are and thankful I'm doing it alone and my home is peaceful. I was so afraid of ending it, desperate to make it work despite his lies and actions, I also wanted my DCs to grow up in a two parent family. Not to mention worrying what others would think. Push all thoughts like that to the side. A safe calm peaceful home and a happy Mum is the best gift you can give DD and your baby.

Sickandtired14 Sat 16-Aug-14 13:28:06

I'm not bothered what other people think. I feel quite isolated in that I'm a distance from any family. Not an insurmountable distance but far enough to feel alone. I have friends but they all have kids and families so not much hands on help. Plus even if I could house swap closer to family they don't have much spare time.
I'm in a council flat. But semi trapped cos of the new flexible tenancies and I am applicable to swap but you have to swap tenancies and no one wants to give up their secure life long tenancy to take over my 5 year situation dependant tenancy so I am stuck in the flat for god knows how long. Can't move.

I realise I've had great advice here and am grateful for responses and sympathies. I am just so low today. I feel weak and stupid. He is acting completely normal now. He won't leave. He keeps saying 'I'm fine your the one who is being moody and causing problems' and it makes it worse cos it's so unfair. I know I'm not being unreasonable and he is but he is twisting it.
I have gone out for air as I need the head space otherwise I want to punch him.
I feel dispondant. I feel like I'm drowning.
My dd is such an advanced happy little girl. She is so amazing. I don't want to fuck that up. And either way she is going to be damaged.
I feel like I can't win. No matter what I do I'll be wrong.
He has used me. Did he ever love me? How can you know for sure? He says he does but he doesn't act like it
I know we will all be better off and happier if we split. Even when things are fine I sort of fantasise about being single and how much easier and happier I would be. But I can't do it. I want to. I just can't seem to break away.

She will continue to be amazing if you split from this manipulative bully. Short term she maybe unsettled but she will be fine.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's book?

Out of everything you listed what's most important right now? What would you like to do?

Just talking about it and thinking about it all will help.

ChanelNo19LoveIt Sat 16-Aug-14 13:42:19

Leave now, 38 weeks pregnant or not. In fact, enjoy the last two weeks of your pregnancy content in the right decision.

I used to fantasise about being single too! I knew it would be better, and it was/is.

Nanny0gg Sat 16-Aug-14 13:46:31

Go and get legal advice.

I know you're due to give birth imminently, but go and put the wheels in motion now.

It will only get worse. Oh, and talk to your midwife.

Sickandtired14 Sat 16-Aug-14 13:47:22

36 weeks pregnant. I can't even count!

I want to tell him to get out. I want to show him that I'm serious this time. As unfortunately I've said this in the past and not gone through with it so he thinks I don't mean it.

I want to see the look in his eyes when e realises he has 'lost' - I know this is stupid but I must say, I'm not normally a vindictive person and I usually take the higher road and wouldn't normally bother with this but I resent him so much now and I so want to show him that he went to far and I want to see him hurting and defeated and frustrated. I want him to know how it feels to feel helpless. That u can't change the situation.
I want him to stop existing.
I want to be strong enough to kick him out and not care what happens to him. Cos it's all his own fault. I used to think it was 'our' fault. But now I think I realise it's all his fault. I'm not a 'difficult wife'... I just not the doormat that he wanted.

HansieLove Sat 16-Aug-14 14:18:13

But you have all the power, right? He needs you for Visa, you don't need him.

Sickandtired14 Sat 16-Aug-14 14:32:14

I actually think his visa is based primarily on the fact he has child/children here. I was his 'sponsor' and had to show earnings that showed I could support him and our child whilst he got his visa and before he could work.
Now he has the visa, if we split he would have to show minimum earnings to stay but I think even if we divorced this would not really effect his visa as he has children so his human rights are to be with and have a relationship with them.

But as he has no access to public funding he any claim any benefits or housing and I know if I kick him he does have the money to rent somewhere ie deposit. And he doesn't earn enough to stay afloat in our area on his own.

I am up and down. One minute I'm rational and the next I'm a crying snotty heap on the floor.
Hormones playing games. I don't want to give in again.
I don't want this for my children. I don't want it for me.
I guess I'm scared

wotoodoo Sat 16-Aug-14 14:32:33

How lucky you are, your place is in your name, he will have to go back when his visa expires.. that's an excellent start!

Visualize a life you and your dc would like, aim for it. It's not far off. You just need to get legal advice and emotional support and get rid of anybody who will mess up you and your dc's lives.

You deserve so much better.You already know how miserable your lives are with him in it. You might want to involve others to kick him out and make sure he stays out.

He does not have a conscience otherwise he wouldn't treat you so badly. You don't need a conscience about him, you are so much nicer than him as a person. You made a mistake, it's not the end of the world. Get him out of your life before the baby comes so you can make a fresh start.

Good luck and you can do it!

Sickandtired14 Sat 16-Aug-14 14:33:13

Ugh, iphone. He doesnt have te money for deposit on a flat.

wotoodoo Sat 16-Aug-14 14:38:41

That is no concern of yours. Put yourself and your dc first for a change and stop making excuses for him. He is not a man child, you don't need to be his mother. Let him grow up and sort himself out.

It's very difficult to get out of the mindset of feeling sorry for him but he doesn't think twice of verbally and sometimes physically abusing you. You need to put yourself and your DCs first now. He will be fine.

Seek advice from womensaid and citizens advice and start making a plan. You cannot stay with this man. I'm afraid it will escalate when the baby arrives, it sounds like he's already done a nice job of isolating you away from a support network of family.

ChanelNo19LoveIt Sat 16-Aug-14 16:59:50

I'm so glad flat in your name. Get the police to get him out and get one of your family to come and live with you for a while. Tell them how serious it is, how much you need them...

Like another PP, I walked away from this hell (my name not on house, I had no rights) over 7 years ago and I've never had a moment's regret. What's so hard to understand now is what I was so afraid of beforehand. There were practicalities of course but nothing compared to his dark force sucking the joy out of my life.

CSIJanner Sat 16-Aug-14 17:01:00

His living arrangements, visa and he is not your problem. Your DD, unborn child and your health are. The flat is in your name so ring womensaid, get your documents together to keep at your mums and make your plans to bin him. Good luck!

"My dd adores him, she asks for him all day and all night. We have screaming tantrums when she wakes from a nap cos he isn't here and he is at work. We did split for 2 weeks a while back (after the police incident) and she was fine but has been clingy with him since then"

I think your DD is reacting to all that she is seeing around her and has also adjusted her behaviour accordingly as you have done up till now. She is learning about relationships from the two of you.

You made a mistake in picking him but do not compound that error of judgment by staying within this at all and or feeling sorry for him now, he has not and does not feel at all sorry for you does he?. Abusers can be "nice" sometimes (although this is all really part of the nice/nasty abuse cycle which is a continuous one) and are very plausible to those in the outside world, you will not be the last one to be so fooled either.

You can and should now seek legal advice and the help of Womens Aid to have him removed.

Sickandtired how are you? What happened when you went back home last night?

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