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What would you do? Major Dilemma

(30 Posts)
BadMother2014 Fri 15-Aug-14 17:02:37

I offered my friend some money towards her IVF before we recently had a falling out. It is a pretty major one... she basically is completely self absorbed since TTC for the last three years and I have been so understanding along the way. I had a miscarriage and my partner was diagnosed with cancer.. when I finally needed her to care she didnt and I told her so. Her response was rude and completely immature. (there is more to story.. I had a miscarriage and she failed IVF in same week. Her main excuse for not contacting me was because of the failed IVF. That is fine but I was there for her even though I had a miscarriage a couple of days before. Her response was Whatever... )
Although I am mad with her, she has been my best friend for 10 years and I feel like I am still a woman of my word. We havent spoken since the fall out and I have no intention of doing so until she apologises properly.
Do I still send her money? I feel I want too but I don't want it to be viewed as me backing down from her behaviour. What would you do?

Magnolia1975 Fri 15-Aug-14 17:07:46

I wouldn't send the money as there is no guarantee you would get it back (unless you can afford to lose the £).

BadMother2014 Fri 15-Aug-14 17:08:39

I was never wanting it back. I was literally going to just give it to her

firesidechat Fri 15-Aug-14 17:09:07

Do you think the relationship is salvageable and do you even want to be friends any more? If the answer is no, then don't give her the money. If the answer is yes, then maybe get together and talk about what happened and see where you go from there.

Lending money to friends seems like a really good way to ruin a relationship, if the stories on the Brass Neck thread are anything to go by.

BadMother2014 Fri 15-Aug-14 17:14:09

I wouldnt be lending it to her, I dont want the money back.

I am not sure if the friendship is salvagable but that does not mean I dont love her and want her to have the baby she has dreamed about so long... regardless how we are.. I really want that for her

Holdthepage Fri 15-Aug-14 17:17:59

Why would you give her money? Because she is your friend? She hasn't really been a good friend recently though has she. You had a miscarriage & her attitude was, whatever. Save your generosity for someone who deserves it.

Nydj Fri 15-Aug-14 17:20:35

I am very sorry about your miscarriage. It must have been awful to not get support from someone you thought of as a good friend.

As you did not intend to lend the money for the IVF but to give it to her, if you can still afford it and are comfortable with doing so, then please do give the money irrespective of whether she apologises.

No, don't give her any money.

You offered the money as an act of friendship, but she is not currently being a friend to you. Use the money to treat yourself - maybe a weekend away, or a few massages or something else to be nice to yourself instead.

Jan45 Fri 15-Aug-14 17:26:25

Friends and giving money do not mix, if you want to help, help your family.

Her attitude towards you stinks.

Joysmum Fri 15-Aug-14 17:27:27

It's a toughie. I remember your previous thread. Personally, I bad week with emotions run high for both of you wouldn't be worth ruining the best of friendships for.

You'd be giving the money to try to make her happy, if you still want her to be happy then that's not changed.

Can you drop her a message telling her how much you live and miss her. acknowledging her hurt and reiterating yours and saying both of you needed the support of the other but that events meant that neither were capable.

If she comes back in agreement that you both are struggling and how sorry she is you've fallen out then you're on your way to salvaging the situation. If not, then you have your answer and I'd keep your money.

Quitelikely Fri 15-Aug-14 17:28:10

I wouldn't until you got an apology.

Bobtailstrikesagain Fri 15-Aug-14 17:36:18

No I wouldn't. Her behaviour has been awful and selfish.

BadMother2014 Fri 15-Aug-14 17:53:30

Joysmum the amount of times I have been the one to make the first move is always. I was there for her... she wasnt for me. I wont be contacting her unless she apologises. However... still doesnt stop me from wanting to give her the money. No matters what happens i wish nothing more than for her to have a baby

WeAreEternal Fri 15-Aug-14 17:56:29

That's the difference isn't it, you care so much about her that even though you think the friendship could be over so still want to help her, where as her response to your miscarriage was 'whatever'.
She doesn't care, as you said, she is too self absorbed to even consider you may need some support too.

I adore my best friend, I would do anything for her, but in your situation I think I would hold off on giving any money, for a while at least.
You need to take a step back and give her chance to realise how badly she has behaved and apologise.
If she doesn't and in a few months you still want to send her the money you can, but at least then you will know if the friendship is salvageable or if she is just staying in contact for the money.

And I'm really sorry about your miscarriage flowers

PetulaGordino Fri 15-Aug-14 17:58:00

has she asked for the money?

MrsAtticus Fri 15-Aug-14 17:58:54

I disagree with the other posters. If you still love her and still want her to have a baby, then give her the money if that's what you want to do. Presumably your offer wasn't dependent on any particular behavior on her part? The only reason not to is if you would consciously or sub-consciously be wanting something in return, as you may be disappointed.
For the record, your fall out sounds kind of understandable given the huge amount of stress you've both been under, things can go a bit wrong in times like that. Sorry to hear about your miscarriage, I've been there and it's not nice.

hamptoncourt Fri 15-Aug-14 18:28:31

No sorry I would not give her the money.

Unless you are extremely wealthy, what if you need that money one day for your own IVF/a personal emergency? If she never contacts you again you will know that she only wanted you for your money and never really gave a shit.

The real problem now is that if she does apologise, you won't know if she is only doing so in order to get the cash.

I really feel for you and am sorry for your loss thanks

BadMother2014 Fri 15-Aug-14 18:44:23

Im going to wait a month and see how I feel. Thanks for all the advice really helped me alot x

bauhausfan Fri 15-Aug-14 18:58:44

You sound like a lovely friend.

Whocansay Fri 15-Aug-14 19:16:57

But surely if you did give her this money and then never spoke again, wouldn't it rankle? I would just feel used and upset when I thought of it.

You do sound very kind, but I don't think it's a good idea. And frankly, she doesn't sound as if she deserves your kindness.

ChangelingToday Fri 15-Aug-14 19:23:12

I think waiting a month is a good idea, a lot can change in a month.

ZenNudist Fri 15-Aug-14 19:35:04

Don't give her money. You can't be friends again. This will always be there in the background. When you needed a friend she turned her back on you. If you give her money she will either feel obliged to mend bridges and you'll feel as if she only did it for the money. It's a toxic situation. If she accepted the money then ignored you could you cope with being so ill used? Give the money to a good cause.

a good cause

heyday Fri 15-Aug-14 21:24:28

You have both been through so much emotionally and I expect you are both feeling rather raw at the moment.
You sound like a wonderful friend. However, I would say just give it a little while then send her a casual text asking her if she is ok, from there you may be able to proceed to meeting for a coffee and learning to talk to each other again.
It's hard to move on sometimes if we feel we are wronged but do not receive an apology. Sometimes however, the word sorry seems to get stuck in our throat and is the hardest word in the world to utter.
Hang on to your money at the moment and see how things pan out. The lending or borrowing or giving of money can often change the dynamics of a relationship as one can often feel slightly beholden to the giver.
For now, concentrate on your own healing and re cooperation, it sounds like you have been through a great deal so be kind to yourself for a while now.

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