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Fiancé really upset me again, suddenly turning on me

(104 Posts)
MaiThai Fri 15-Aug-14 03:05:52

Yesterday we'd had a great day, we 're on hols and had been to visit an island by boat, swam in the sea, snorkelled, kayaked and finished with a lovely Indian meal last night. All day we'd been holding hands, kissing, cuddling, complimenting each other and just been very romantic with the odd insinuation that we would go back to hotel early in order to spend 'time alone'. On the way back to hotel he'd had a few drinks and started trying to force conversation on a young couple who blatantly just wanted to not talk. Asking how long they'd been here, what trips they'd done, where you from etc etc ... Funny thing about it was that he'd done the exact same thing (with the same questions!!) to the same couple the night before. The woman said quite frustrated "you saw us in the same bus yesterday". He wasn't having any of it, continued to force conversation on them so I let him get on with it whilst I sat quiet enjoying the view. This poor couple happened to be staying at same hotel so when we got out dp walked off declaring "that couple are fucking weird, they just sit there not wanting to talk!". I had a feeling they were walking right behind us so I asked him to keep it quiet until we got back to our room. Once inside I laughed along about it, said how funny it was that the woman said he'd seen them the night before and he laughed along with me. Then ... He started saying "oh well, I couldn't be like you ... " oooo I'm too clever for this conversation so I'll just sit back and judge everyone!" I was a bit bemused, still trying to keep it light hearted I asked "how is that me? I'm not like that" so he continued "ooo I couldn't possibly speak to anyone as I'm too nervous!" That one stung a bit as he knows I'm recovering from social anxiety so seeing the direction of the conversation I said "ok come on, let's not get personal. Give us a hug?" With a smile. He pulled back, said "fuck off, you've been ripping the piss out of me all night, if you want a bloke that just sits quiet and doesn't talk like you then maybe you should go and find someone else. You've ruined my night and I feel shit now because of you".

Firstly I wasn't ripping the piss and never do, id spent the night complimenting him on how handsome he looked and what a gentleman he had been on our trip. He on the other hand had taken a photo of my slightly spilt drink and sent it to mutual friends on Facebook. He often rips the piss out of me and I just take it. Yes sometimes I do it to him but only when it's a mutual Micky taking thing. Secondly he often tells me to go and "find someone else" so I'm starting to wonder if he actually wants me to and thirdly I've noticed he has a habit of deciding I've "ruined his day/night" when he decides to start.

I tried a number of times to hug him, talk to him etc but he carried on saying I was out of order and refused to hug me. In the end I went to bed. He then stood at the foot of the bed saying "do you hate me? Do you want to stab me in the head? Was that the worse meal ever? Was it a shit evening?". At one point I was almost reduced to tears thinking about the day we'd had and how it had ended. Why does he do it? He won't apologise, the whole thing will be my fault and he'll continue to "punish me" for it by stonewalling for some time. It's so draining. He doesn't care that I get upset. Nothing I do or say will make him see sense. He wasn't that drunk either, I'd say 3 pints max.

Chiana Fri 15-Aug-14 03:22:02

He's was being a dickhead, and from the sound of your post, it's not the first time, far from it. LTB. His EA behaviour will get worse once you're married.

I'm really sorry, though. It hurts like hell when you realise someone you love is actually a giant bell end.

Glastokitty Fri 15-Aug-14 03:26:08

He's a dick. I agree with the previous poster, and will go further and say don't marry him. Honestly, who could be arsed with that behaviour!

wafflyversatile Fri 15-Aug-14 03:30:57

This won't get better, only worse, as time goes on.

Please don't marry this bloke. People are supposed to be at their most relaxed and happy on holiday. He sounds absolutely vile

BOFster Fri 15-Aug-14 03:44:22

Yes, don't marry him. Have you ever read this famous MN post?

Please trust me that it is no picnic spending at least part of most days in tears and treading on eggshells. The relationship that's actually right for you will feel like falling off a log in comparison. It will make you feel relaxed, safe, and like you can just be yourself.

This isn't it.

barnet Fri 15-Aug-14 05:28:12

!!!!!!!
That is so sad and tiring. Your life will be such a drain if you spend time with this man.

Saltedcaramel2014 Fri 15-Aug-14 06:08:59

It sounds horrible. This is exactly the way my ex used to act . It was awful and got worse. He needs to keep asking you if you hate him because he deeply hates himself - then hates himself even more for acting that way. He's not a dick - he's damaged and his behaviour is dangerous. Please think again about this marriage

Quitelikely Fri 15-Aug-14 06:09:17

How old are yous and how long have you been together OP?

flipflapsflop Fri 15-Aug-14 06:09:20

please don't fall into the trap of thinking about how nice he is when he is being nice.

he is like he is. there is not a nice side, and then a nasty, pokey, goady tosspot side. There is just him. you should cut and run. as others have said, it will get worse.

TomatoSorbetWoman Fri 15-Aug-14 06:10:58

Life does nt need to be like this. I'd take a break from him.

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 15-Aug-14 06:22:34

The point of an engaepgement is to find out what they are like before you marry them.

You are finding out what he is like. It is not nice. Don't marry him.

Mumof3xox Fri 15-Aug-14 06:26:12

He doesn't sound like a nice man op

In with the others who say he won't change they never do

I stupidly thought I had changed my exp / made him grow up

I was wrong

He is a twat
As is your fiancé

43percentburnt Fri 15-Aug-14 06:38:07

An engagement is a test prior to marriage. He has failed the test. Don't put up with this, you really don't need to. It's great that you have recognised what he is doing and that it's a pattern, it certainly sounds like you have done nothing wrong.

Now imagine 5 years down the line, married, 2 small children, him harassing people on holiday, blaming you, then not talking for a few days. If that doesn't sound fun then remember people get worse when you are pregnant.

He is unpredictable, you don't need that in your life.

Just out of interest was he this bad prior to engagement?

Absolutely agree with everyone else, he's not going to get any better.

His comment asking if you want to stab him in the head is scary.

You don't need this arse in your life, he'll ruin it.

ginslinger Fri 15-Aug-14 06:53:50

Walk away. - you deserve better and read what the BOFster linked to. I'd put that on the curriculum if i could

vicmackie Fri 15-Aug-14 06:58:01

Sack him off.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 15-Aug-14 06:58:27

He sounds mean. Really mean. The lovey dovey hand holding stuff is the facade - the ugly malice is the 'real him' that you're seeing flashes of when the mask slips. I'm reminded of a Disney animation where the hideous monster is disguised as a beautiful creature until the last minute.

Please see out the holiday and break off the engagement when you get back. You deserve better than this.

drLu Fri 15-Aug-14 07:00:50

Please walk away this man sounds aggressive and a bully. Like someone else said you're meant to be relaxed on holiday so doesn't bode well. Imagine how he will be when u are married and what about children?

How he spoke to you was appalling. No wonder you were upset. I'd be frightened too. Please don't marry him.

Fairylea Fri 15-Aug-14 07:03:02

He sounds awful. Really awful. Just leave.

By the way he does sound like he has a drink problem. It doesn't matter how much he's drinking. If he's drinking 3 pints and it's making him change his behaviour so much and to the point he can't remember he asked a couple who don't want to talk the same questions the day before then he definitely has a drink problem.

But don't let that make you feel sorry for him. He just sounds downright nasty.

coalscuttle Fri 15-Aug-14 07:06:37

Read "why does he do that" by Lundy bancrift. It struck me that you actually said "why does he do it" in your post. He won't stop doing it, he is abusive and the more if it you put up with (and staying with him is putting up with it even if you berate him) the worse he will become.

For goodness sake do not marry this person, and I would agree it sounds like he has a drink problem if he cannot remember that he talked at this couple the day before. Also he is blaming you for his behaviour, he is not taking any responsibility at all here for his actions.

Re this comment:-
"He often rips the piss out of me and I just take it".

Why are you allowing him to do this to you at all?. Have you really been ground down by him over time?. What was your own self esteem level like before you met, my guess it was a lot higher than it is now.

Delphiniumsblue Fri 15-Aug-14 07:11:23

Sadly he will only get worse- the others are right.

AnyFucker Fri 15-Aug-14 07:15:21

He sounds like a complete tool.

Do not marry this man, he will make your life a misery. You have been warned.

MeMyselfAnd1 Fri 15-Aug-14 07:20:45

Get out, you will spend half of your life walking on eggshells and the other one mortified about his behaviour. (And as abusers go, you will also get the blame).

Thank your luck for this moment, you have got to see his real self before you marry, and don't excuse him on being drunk, if you can be arsy in the excuse of being drunk that is also a warning sign the size of a train.

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