Has anyone else been in this situation - husband calls me a f*cking b*tch

[nappyrat]

And I am so confused.

We recently had our first baby, and when he did it in front of him (had done it before then a fair bit, but it got worse when the baby arrived), but doing it in front of the baby basically signalled a new response from me, which was that I felt it was completely unacceptable.

12 months on, he has now moved out today, at my request.

And it has suddenly hit me that I may never now have the life I imagined, with him. And my baby may never now have her father living with him. And that at Christmases when we have to share our baby, I will feel like dying because my baby isn't with me, like he should be, because I am his mum....:(((( Crying at this...I can't bear the idea of this...

He seems to do it because he loses his temper. Which he does fairly regularly. Always later blames it on me, but then maybe it is partly due to me, I know I behave badly at times - am lazy, unreasonable etc. This is fact, it's not me being 'poor me'.

He is a professional man, earns £100k+ in a blue chip company, is generally well respected. And actually I think he loves me. He just cannot control his temper.

He has never hit me, we've been together 10+ years.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I could really do with some advice. I am so confused. There are lots of good points about the relationship, but I have been brought up to think that his behaviour is completely unacceptable. But on many other levels, he is a good man.

[thenightsky]

If he can call you a 'fucking bitch' he does not love you.

[nappyrat]

But night sky I think that is oversimplifying my situation...I appreciate what you're saying, but I don't think the words are actually meant...I think they are just said to be shocking, in red mist style anger

[CocktailQueen]

You'll never have the life you imagined with anyone who calls you a fucking bitch. Will you? You're well rid of this disrespectful fuckwit. And what an example to set to your dc. He has nobody but himself to blame.

Does he call anyone else at work a fucking bitch? In his blue chip company ? No? Thought not. Then he can control it. He just saves that special behaviour for you. Lovely.

You've done the right thing. Stay strong.

[thenightsky]

Sorry... I put that too bluntly. I've had wine. My OH has never used the f or the b word in relation to me personally, not in 30 odd years. And he does have a bad temper too.

[nappyrat]

:(

But it doesn't feel like I have done the right thing. It feels like I am partly creating these situations because I can be very demanding at times - e.g. not very realistic about how hard he works, not very realistic about life generally and therefore very demanding on what I expect from him.

[ouryve]

That future with him ended the moment he first CHOSE to verbally abuse you.

It's not your fault. It's his. You can bet he doesn't verbally abuse his work colleagues when a red mist descends.

[theendoftheendoftheend]

Yes I've been there (although i was stupidly more forgiving then you and waited until he called me a fat ugly mong a after having had a baby and a stroke in the space of a week. Bastard) I also felt like you about the split, the fear of it kept me there longer i think.
the reality is so so soooo much better then i imagined!

Whether this is permanent or not, you've done the right thing. You needed to make the stand that for you his behavour was unacceptable and you have! Well done!

[nappyrat]

I am a very 'assertive' woman - very independent, quite loud - it's not like I am some trampled on wife.

And likewise, he is not the archetypal 'bully husband' - he can be very loving, he is generous, he is honest, and generally a decent man.

Most other aspects of our life together were good - it is almost exclusively this language that is the deal breaker...

[theendoftheendoftheend]

You sound just like me when I used to defend him

[FiftyShadesOfGreen4205]

You have done the right thing. Having doubts now is a normal part of the grieving process. Take it one day at a time. Men like him are bullies and his abuse (for it IS abuse) will most likely escalate.

[ouryve]

If you're really that unrealistic, a reasonable man should explain his side of the situation to you, rationally, calmly, without swearing at you and calling you names. Even if he is feeling emotional about the situation, then it would be appropriate to complain about what the problem is for him, not what the problem is with you.

[nappyrat]

the end, thanks for your mage.

I think it massively upset me because he did it 3 months after I gave birth to our wonderful baby - who is the absolute centre of my world.

I just could't believe after giving birth to our baby in such an amazing way - all v natural, and I think he was full of admiration for what I had done - that he could then view me so differently to call me a FB...

How are things better for you now?

How do you deal with not having your baby around you?

I feel like I will just suddenly be expected to flick off my 'mum switch' and not care about my child for the weekend because some judge says he needs to be with his dad. my baby is my life. I cannot just switch off a switch like that, it is so cruel....I am crying again

[nappyrat]

msge, not mage

[scallopsrgreat]

Does he call the staff he works with fucking bitches (or lose his temper with them)? Probably not.

I think thnightsky is pretty spot on tbh. It's not just the name calling (although that's a particularly misogynistic slur he uses there which sends out a definite statement about how he views women). It's everything else in your post. The bullying. The blaming you for it all. Lazy? Unreasonable?

[nappyrat]

fifty, I know it will not escalate, I am not worried about him hitting me

[nappyrat]

And there have been times when I have called him names too - I called him a 'fcking cnt' once.

I am not blameless. The difference is that this is not my usual behaviour - I called him this when I was at my absolute lowest ebb after months and months of looking after our baby 24/7.

He quite often (maybe once a month) calls me these things or uses this sort of language with me...

[Matildathecat]

Well only he can change that.

I wonder at what age he thinks it would not be ok for your dc to be hearing their mother called a fucking bitch? Next thing you know your child will be doing this too.

No, it's a deal breaker and it's up to him if he wants to change. For me, of he was to come back it would be total zero tolerance to any verbal abuse. Do you think he can manage that? Do you even want to try?

[scallopsrgreat]

It doesn't have to escalate to violence. Just worse & more frequent emotional/verbal abuse. More controlling behaviour. He will also be influencing your DS more as he grows older with this type of abuse.

[nappyrat]

scallops...Does he call the staff he works with fucking bitches (or lose his temper with them)? Probably not. - No, he doesn't, otherwise he wouldn't hold down the job he does.

I have often ask him this exact same question when he has done it.

I can't remember his response - sorry am tired - but it wasn't particularly impressive.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

Take no responsibility for your abuse. You did not cause it. To suggest that coukd have happened blames victims everywhere for their abuse too.

He might not be ALL bad but his behaviour is unacceptable and within his capability to choose it. His choices are not your responsibility but his.

[nappyrat]

But that's the thing, scallops, we have been together for 10+ years and he is not controlling - if anything I am more controlling that him.

[scallopsrgreat]

"I called him this when I was at my absolute lowest ebb after months and months of looking after our baby 24/7." So he isn't even stepping up to be a parent then . What is he adding to your life?

[Lally112]

We all say things in anger that we don't mean. I am not innocent of this either, My husband has called me a fucking bitch and I have called him worse too. What matters is how you move on from that. I love him and wouldn't want to be without him and I can be just as nasty as he can be but we need to walk away, go and cool off for a bit and then come back.

We can admit things that were said weren't meant, we can apologise and work it out. Its up to you how you move on from something like that and as you have said he blames it on you later then it doesn't appear that he has cooled off any.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

It doesn't have to be physical to escalate. The escalation will most likely be to the erosion of your self-esteem and increasing of your dependency on him until you are unable to leave and he despises you for it.

[nappyrat]

But starlight, I feel that is just overly simplistic...

I do agree it is abuse. But he could probably suggest I have been abusive too.

I think there are probably a lot of marriages - both now and in the past - where psychologists could identify 'abuse'. But the fact is that marriages are not perfect, surely? That there are shit bits, good bits, great patches and difficult patches, bad and good behaviour.

And these days, people put the 'abuse' label on it and everyone gets their knickers in a twist and says leave the bastard etc. When the reality surely is more complicated than that??