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No sex 11years - back for another moan

(54 Posts)
beansontoast77 Sat 09-Aug-14 17:13:07

Greetings MNrs who already know me & those of you who don't...Back for a moan again this afternoon. Today has been horrible. I really wanted to cry but somehow managed not to. I wanted him to give me a hug this morning, say that things would be ok, make any kind of effort that would show he cared, but he didn't. He stormed off to Tescos in a huff. (I'm not allowed to do the food shop remember). Is it too much to ask to be cherished by your husband? His famous phrase is 'Ah, but, what about me'? whenever I say anything about our relationship. He wants a geisha. I can be a geisha, but I want something back occasionally. He won't even share a bath with me. Says he despises the sight of his own body (4 stone overweight) - but never does anything about it. He wants me to go back to how I used to be, sitting contentedly opposite him in the tv room day in day out...I've lost interest in everything at home now. I find it hard to settle to anything. He's just come home...I'm off.

CKOneIjustLoveIt Sat 09-Aug-14 17:15:50

ugh, why would you want to share a bath with an overweight, self-indulgent, whining self-pitying, financially abusive square-eyed GIT.

I mean it beans. Leave him. Please.

CKOneIjustLoveIt Sat 09-Aug-14 17:16:38

Be cherished by somebody lovely! In the future.

notapizzaeater Sat 09-Aug-14 17:18:05

There's lots of normal men out there that would love and cherish you, get out, you are getting nothing from this relationship. What about him ? What about you ??

beansontoast77 Sat 09-Aug-14 17:20:55

False alarm, it was the neighbours car I heard...He did make some effort recently, he bought me a very expensive ring for my birthday. I didn't want him to. It felt bad receiving something like that when things are so sour between us. But it's kind of like 'well, I've provided handsomely for you, now be happy'. Trouble is, as nice as pretty rings are, they are no compensation for a truly loving hug...

CKOneIjustLoveIt Sat 09-Aug-14 17:22:15

Sell it and put the cash in your splitting up fund.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 09-Aug-14 17:22:25

You are wasting your life with someone who doesn't deserve you. It doesn't sound like he has any respect for you either. Why are you "not allowed" to do the grocery shopping?

Get out. Get out. Get out.

beansontoast77 Sat 09-Aug-14 17:24:23

I have made tiny steps. A friend who's husband is a lawyer is going to give me an idea of my financial postion & I've decided I do need to get a job...I've found out I need to learn MS word & Excel. He's dead against me getting a job...He said next thing I'll be leaving him...I've done nothing about it yet though because as some of you already know, I have the self esteem of a squashed slug....

beansontoast77 Sat 09-Aug-14 17:26:07

Dear Bitter, His favourite/only hobbie in the world is saving money & I don't shop frugally enough, therefore I am not allowed to do the shop. I haven't done the family shop for a good 10 years now...

Matildathecat Sat 09-Aug-14 17:29:43

Can you make a list of the skills that you do have and another of those that you might need for whatever kind of job you would like to be doing? Then get down to the library for information on getting onto the courses you need. Make sure it's something you will actually enjoy.

That phrase about 'you'll be wanting to leave me' if you get a job, well, it says it ally he's keeping you a prisoner and it sounds high time for you to leave that prison and start to enjoy your life.

Listen to the legal advice and start planning. Good lucky you know there will be support for you here's please don't waste any more time on this man. He genuinely isn't worth it and you are.

Matildathecat Sat 09-Aug-14 17:30:22

What a lovely hobby. Not.

CKOneIjustLoveIt Sat 09-Aug-14 17:31:38

The next time he "accuses" you of wanting to leave him, instead of wearing yourself out trying to convinnce him that that is not true, how about saying "it's true i'm not happy."

Fairylea Sat 09-Aug-14 17:32:17

You need to tell him you're leaving him. He will never change unless you tell him and mean it as he has no reason to. Once you're apart you can either see if you're happier alone (I think you will be) or he can bend over backwards to change and make a bloody effort.

beansontoast77 Sat 09-Aug-14 17:34:38

Forgot to mention, I've also decided I want to make an appt to see the vicar at the church where we were married & talk to him about our situation. If we do split, it won't be without me exploring every avenue...I want to see what the vicar would say about/to us....Surely if they can join us together, they can give advice how to work through it when life gets tough? I don't want us to fail, even though it looks like that's going to happen...

beansontoast77 Sat 09-Aug-14 17:37:21

He knows I'm not happy. We've discussed it...We have no option but to discuss it as our dd is in a secure unit and they're pressing us to do family therapy.....For those of you who don't know the story, his saying is 'If you truly love me, you'll stay celibate & faithful by my side forever'....Think he really is home now...

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 09-Aug-14 17:37:47

MS Word & Excel are fairly straightforward to learn. You generally don't need advanced skills in either for most roles. Do you have either on your computer now? Looked for any online tutorials? Are there any evening classes, or even day-times ones you can keep on the down-low, that you could attend? Got any friends or neighbours who could give you some tips to get started?

Fairylea Sat 09-Aug-14 17:40:30

I'm sorry, I don't know the back story but as someone that has been married 3 times I really think you are doing yourself a disservice staying with someone who isn't even meeting you half way to make an effort. Life really is too short. You only get one shot at this, why spend it being so miserable?

Matildathecat Sat 09-Aug-14 17:43:02

We knew a couple who's son had very severe anorexia and was hospitalised. They kind of had to attend family therapy and were pretty much told in no uncertain terms advised to spilt up because their relationship was so toxic and affecting their son. It was his way of trying to control a bad situation.

I don't know the story behind your child in a secure unit but there is no way in which you staying in an unhappy marriage will make that young person any happier or more stable. Quite the opposite.

beansontoast77 Sat 09-Aug-14 17:43:45

He's overdue to come home & every car I hear I think it's him....another neighbour again! Fairy, I have no other family, non-existent self esteem & haven't worked for 20yrs, that's why I'm so scared.

Fairylea Sat 09-Aug-14 17:45:22

Think of the freedom you could have... working, earning money to do whatever you like with, a home to decorate however you choose, being able to DO A FOOD SHOP! whatever you like. And I can pretty much guarantee whatever the situation with the secure unit life will seem easier without the misery of your marriage to contend with as well.

Fairylea Sat 09-Aug-14 17:47:11

I know it's scary. I too have very little family (just my toxic mother who is manic depressive and alcoholic). But surely living like this is soul destroying and scary too. Any good job agency like reed or one nearer to you would be more than happy to help you do a cv despite not working for 20 years. If you contact your job centre they may be able to point you towards some courses.

TheAwfulDaughter Sat 09-Aug-14 17:51:49

I don't know where you are OP, but if you want to PM me- I'll happily teach you MS office and excel in a cafe (public place) if you are close.

If it helps you leave him, I'll bloody travel!

HumblePieMonster Sat 09-Aug-14 18:00:47

Yes, i can see that your situation is a vulnerable one. Well done on starting to plan on building a life away from the home, and for thinking of speaking to the vicar (though be warned, he might want to speak to your husband to see if he can improve things!)
Women's Aid might be able to help. Have you spoken to them?
You must stop thinking of this as 'us...fail'. You aren't in a fair situation. There should be two of you trying, not one giving way all the time and being totally downtrodden. 'Avoiding failure' isn't about you taking all the pain he can dish out. Being Christian does not mean being a doormat. I read that somewhere and remembered it.
Little by little, tiny step by tiny step, work your way out of this façade of a marriage.
Try visualisation - you live alone, you have a small house or flat, owned or rented doesn't matter, you have enough money to live simply and a little job. You go out with friends whom you've met through work, classes etc. You choose what you wear, eat, how to decorate your home without considering anyone else. You choose who you see. If a man asks you out, you can go; you can even ask men out yourself.... You might have a pet!
Maybe you have space for your daughter to return later - maybe not. Your choice.
The more you visualise, the stronger the pull of your new life.

beansontoast77 Sat 09-Aug-14 18:01:28

TheAwful - thank you! I might take you up on that! He's definately on his way home now as he's just called, so I'm going to go now. But I'll leave this thread up for a while as all your comments help me to cope. Thank you everyone..

Fairylea Sat 09-Aug-14 18:46:47

I've just been reading your old threads... Two things really shocked me. You're only 44! That's fairly young in terms of starting again. My mum is 66 and moved into a house on her own 2 years ago (after having a breakdown whilst living with me) and has just started working and dating again after 30 years. You have time on your side. It's never too late to start over.

Your dh earns 170k plus and won't let you shop at tesco. That's just awful. You should both have equal spending money. The fact you are at home doesn't matter - you are both contributing to the family equally. Therefore you should have equal spending money. He cannot moan at you for spending whatever it was you spent recently on clothes if he doesn't give you equal spending money. It is financial abuse. Pure and simple.

I'm going to say something a bit different here - you say everything is in his name. Does that include the house? If so you are actually in a very good position to just up and leave. Slowly filter off whatever money you can. Take the odd £10 or £20 or whatever you can manage and put it aside somewhere safe. If he finds it say you were saving it for a family break because you love him so much (yeah right). Keep saving until you have 2 months rent / rental deposit available. It might give you something to focus on. A plan.

Once you have enough go and rent somewhere. Claim whatever you are entitled to. Housing benefit, other benefits. You don't say how old your dc is but if they are under 18 and in some form of education (even if currently paused for medical treatment) you will get tax credits etc. Look on the turn to us website and enter your details as a single parent and see what they say. It will give you an estimate. Then you can start looking for a job. Even a part time job would increase your working tax credits.

Contact womens aid - I used to volunteer with them having left an abusive marriage myself and they are amazing at helping with this sort of stuff. They can even help you with work references where you haven't worked for years and help you to apply for benefits etc. And also cvs. They've helped hundreds and thousands of vulnerable women. They can help you. I promise.

At 44 your life isn't over. You really can have a life to live and, if you want, a proper relationship and love life with someone new. No wonder your self esteem is so low living like this. Everyone deserves to be happy and loved. Whether that's in a relationship or just a feeling of contentment being alone it is your choice.

Start saving today. Get all your important papers together. Passport, birth certificate. Make a plan. Focus on that plan. Make it your future. It sounds cliché and scary I know but it has to be better than this.

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