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who was in the wrong, me or sis

(107 Posts)
dysfunctionalbedlam Sat 09-Aug-14 14:12:11

I have nc for this. I have had a really horrible morning and feel like I have walked straight off Jeremy kyle.

I am 6 months pregnant at the moment and have been staying at dps house due to building work at my house. Also at the house is sis and dbro who live there and 3 gdcs, the youngest of which is my ds who is 2. Now the number of young children in the house has been a strain on my parents due to the mess they make, their demands noise etc. I have been sort of slotted in the role of caretaker of the 3 as my son is probably the most disruptive being the youngest and feel like I am being held responsible for the misconduct of all three even though the older two are my other dsis kids.

Anyway this morning I was up minding the kids and trying to tidy up. I came upstairs with some washing and ds and dnephew (3) followed me. As I was tidying up the two dc went in to sis room as she was in the toilet. In immediately told them to get out which she heard. Now my sis is extremely fussy about her things and doesn't like the dcs in her room which has been a flash point all week. As much as I prevent them her room is treasure trove for them and they will enter it if the door is left open. However my sis blames me for my ds entering her room or the other dc rather than taking responsibility for making sure her door is locked.

Anyway when she heard me telling them to get out she started literally screaming at me from the toilet to go and close her door. The boys left her room and were standing in the corridor. I asked dnephew to close the door however he couldn't work out which door I was talking about. My sis started screaming that no It should be me to close it. As the kids were out of her room and were in the room where I was I decided to ignore her as she was being so rude. I just told her she couldn't boss me around and got on with what I was doing.

She came out of the toilet and saw my ds in the corridor and preceded to scream at him to not go in to her room. I saw red at this point and shouted at her for screaming in my 2 year old ds face. She then started to scream that I was a fat lazy arse for not getting upto close her door. It was 11am by this point and i had been up since 7am minding the children. To cut a long story short we got in to a bit of a screaming match with me telling her she had no right to boss me around and her telling me I should go home as I wasn't wanted. My ds was crying at this point and I told her just get out and go back to your room as I was in mine. She got even more aggressive and ended up pushing me whilst I was holding ds.

Now take in to account i was holding my ds and am also pregnant. At this point I saw red and pushed her asking her what she thought she was doing. She lunged at me and before I knew it we were having a fight. My df heard and came out of his room as I had pushed her out of my room towards her own. She then managed to get the upper hand on me and shoved me against the staircase. My dad stepped between us and stopped the fight but my sister continued to lunge towards me and screamed at my dad she wanted me out or she would stop paying part of the rent. At this point I am ashamed to say I slapped her again which set her off even more and she continued to lunge at me. My dad managed to get her into her room and I took the two boys downstairs.

My sis continued to scream she wanted me out and threw my suitcase down the stairs. By this point I had realised what a total idiot i was being with engaging with her and just ignored her provocation. As I was talking to my dad about the incident she started screaming at me to shut up and stop my propaganda. She came down to the kitchen and screamed her version of events and when i completely ignored her started saying I'm a liar if I don't respond. She got in my face again and said because she pays the rent I had no right being there if she didn't want me to which I replied this house doesn't belong to you it belongs to dps so get over it because I'm not going anywhere. She then turned on my dad saying he was favouring me because he didn't throw me out his pregnant daughter and dgs.

Anyway to cut an already long story short. I refused to engage with her and she went upstairs. By this point all the dcs were upset and I was busy calming them down. My sis has a history of being violent and abusive towards all the members of our family. I have always suspected her of having anger management problems but my parents have chosen to ignore it and instead always blame the other party no matter how outrageously she behaves. My df adopted the same line as he has from childhood and blamed me for not just walking away in the first place which I should have done but does that justify her violence towards me. When my mum came home she spoke to sis and went even further asking why I didn't close her door in the first place. She also asked me if the building work had been completed and whether I could go home.

I feel so hurt and angry that she said this. I used to pay rent when it lived at home and never used that to demand who could or couldn't stay in the house. I am already tiptoeing around them all because they are at the end of their tether because of the kids (I took out two of the kids for the whole day yesterday to give them a break and all I got at the end of it was complaints because they had to entertain the one I left behind). I just feel like they have always reinforced my sis dysfunctional behaviour because they can't deal with her and instead blame the reasonable ones. My oldolder dsis (mother of the other two dcs at the house) has also left my dps house after getting in to a confrontation with sis who was screaming at her. She didn't respond to her and just left the house and went home which I really wish I could do but I can't because my house is a building site at the moment.

I don't know what to do. I feel so ashamed of myself and my family that this unfortunately is nothing new and incidents like this involving sis are still occurring even after we have all grown in to adults. I wish I could just go nc with them sometimes but I grew up estranged from extended family and don't want ds to grow up the same.

dysfunctionalbedlam Sat 09-Aug-14 14:30:25

By the way my older sis left the house due to a confrontation on another occasion when I wasn't there, not this week. I spoke to my dsis and she sympathised with me because unfortunately this sort of confrontation with my younger sis has happened to her several times before since we were kids and even my dbro has had these sorts of disputes with her. She has a tendency to escalate any argument whether it is about who gets to use the bathroom first, who ate her food (I have been living in terror all week that me or my ds will eat something of hers so have to ask my mum before I eat anything or just buy things from outside). I deeply resent her because I have always been forced by my parents to be the one to deescalate and back down no matter how violent or unreasonable she becomes (she once locked me and my other dsis out of our bedroom the morning before we were supposed to go to work - a qeekwnd job we both did as teenagers- because we had woken her up as we were getting ready. She also once threw the entire contents of my wardrobe down the stairs because I lost her ruler. It's so petty and embarrassing and I hate that this can't just be put in the past like other insignificant disputes I have had with other siblings but she continues to be as spoilt and entitled now she is in her early twenties as she did when she was ten years old. And my parents still continue to treat her like a diva even when her vileness is directed at them rather than deal with her.

cailindana Sat 09-Aug-14 14:32:41

Sounds like my sister. There is no hope I'm afraid, you just have to cut yourself off from her.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 09-Aug-14 14:39:34

She's an abuser and your parents are enablers. This is a situation where you cannot possibly win. The only solution is to get the hell out of there as soon as possible and then to keep away from her.

dysfunctionalbedlam Sat 09-Aug-14 14:46:36

The problem cailin is she lives at my parents. I have distanced myself from her to a huge extent as in I avoid her whilst at my parents and don't really talk to her about my life. We are just sort of on hello and goodbye terms. However whenever in visit my dps she throws her weight around, telling me this is not my house accusing men or ds of taking her things if she has misplaced them (my parents laugh at the huge suitcase I bring whenever I visit them because I don't want to rely on them at all for anything and will even contribute to food bill whilst there as I know I will get comments from her). At my mums comment today I was almost resolved to never visit again but my ds benefits from the attention and interaction with extended family which I missed out on as a child.

HandbagCrazy Sat 09-Aug-14 14:47:21

Sounds like a lot of different issues mixed up in that argument.
You're sister is too self involved for your relationship to ever be close. To be honest she sounds like a nightmare and you'd be better of never engaging with her.

From what you've written, you were both violent so trying to make out it's all her doesn't really help. You pushed her back, fought with her and slapped her. You were both in the wrong.

As for you parents, for whatever reason, your sister is clearly higher on their list of priorities and I doubt that will change. My guess is that they want everyone to back down so they get a quieter life but this means they don't stuck up for you. I'm not sure what to suggest about that apart from
Being honest and simply telling them that you feel they are more on her side and that you don't feel supported by them when it comes to her.

Can you stay anywhere else until your house is ready? If you have any other options, take them.

And for gods sake, be responsible for you and your son only - why are you dealing with the other children??

cailindana Sat 09-Aug-14 15:00:21

My sister also lives at my parents. She is 33 and I don't think she will ever leave. So I don't go to my parents' house any more. I did try to keep up a closer relationship with my parents for my children's sake but it just didn't work. As far as I see it, my parents have made their choice. They pander constantly to my sister and expect me and my other sister to just put up with it. Well I won't any more and nor will my children. As far as I'm concerned either they finally at long last tell my sister to fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck or they can forget having a relationship with me (which they're not bothered about really) or my children (which they are bothered about).

Think about it - your parents won't stick up for you or for your poor little son who was scared. Is there any point in maintaining a relationship with people who care so little about your or your children?

dysfunctionalbedlam Sat 09-Aug-14 15:04:42

I know I was wrong to get physical with her. It surprises me to hear people calling sis an abuser. I have known it subconsciously for a long time but my dps always make me feel as if I'm in the wrong so sometimes I'm left wondering was it my fault. Should I have just got up and closed her door? Should I have ignored her screaming at my ds and pushing me? She has left the house now and has gone to stay with a friend and my mum in particular is making me feel as if my sister has had to leave because of me. I'm being portrayed as the abuser at home because my sister has more visible marks on her but that is a consequence of starting a fight with someone bigger and stronger then you not because I was more violent. Completely ignored is the fact she pushed a pregnant woman and if my df was not there would have probably continued to try and hurt me more.

cailindana Sat 09-Aug-14 15:10:42

What I've learned is there's absolutely no point whatsoever in getting bogged down in the rights and wrongs of it. You will just tie yourself up in knots. I am always portrayed as the one in the wrong too - even when planning my own wedding I had to go with what my sister wanted for the bridesmaids dresses as even having an opinion around my sister is not acceptable. She must always have her own way at all times and my parents will never ever stand up to her. In the end it's their loss because they are now stuck with a 33 year old toddler who makes their lives a total misery and they never see their grandchildren.

dysfunctionalbedlam Sat 09-Aug-14 15:12:38

What makes the issue more delicate is she is actually my half sister which we only found out in our twenties as my bio mum left when I was a baby so I have no memory of her. We were raised by my stepmum from childhood who is my sis and dbros biological mum. When we found out it put a whole new spin on the behaviour of my mum always getting us to pander and step down to my sister's aggression. In the past I thought it was because she was the youngest but now I'm not so sure. It also makes her cries of this is my house more inflammatory and insensitive as whether deliberate or not she is in directly implying she has more rights there as both her bio parents are there.

cailindana Sat 09-Aug-14 15:50:19

That definitely makes it harder and more sensitive for you, but believe me if there wasn't the issue about your bio mum there would be something else that she would use to get at you.
Like I say there is really no point in analysing what she says or why she says it. She just wants her own way and will do whatever it takes to get it.
My sister uses my other sister's disability against her. She would never feel bad about that, she just doesn't care.

Quitelikely Sat 09-Aug-14 16:10:51

I think you done the right thing sticking up for yourself. Violence is never ok but y'know what she's a bully and you talked to her in the only way she understood. Too bad you knacked her and now she feels like she's lost face! Gone away to lick her wounds no doubt

Have you said to your parents you feel like she is favouritised above all of you

OhMyArsingGodInABox Sat 09-Aug-14 16:16:27

Has your other sister left her children there? Why?

None of this makes any sense. Go home. Plenty of people live with building work going on so unless you have no walls or roof it has to be better than living under threat of violence.

It's all so toxic and unnecessary. Leave.

dysfunctionalbedlam Sat 09-Aug-14 16:22:28

Thanks cailin for your replies. It really does sound like our sisters are quite similar. Do you think there is a chance of maintaining relationship with dps despite bad relationship with my sis. Would you have continued seeing your parents or start seeing them again if your sister didn't live with them. Outside of these heated confrontational situations my parents will admit that sis has got anger problems but will always try to minimise by saying this person is worse etc. I enjoy seeing their interaction with ds but can't handle the drama. The funny thing is I had problems with my dh this year and stayed with them for a long period of time. We were talking about divorce but in the end managed to patch things up. At the time my gps and sis were highly critical of me and thought I just should have left dh. I didn't mention it to them at the time but the idea of moving back in with them was what really spurred me to resolve my issues with dh. No matter my dh's faults he would never raise his voice or hand to me or ds and I feel me and ds are a lot safer there then staying with my dysfunctional abusive family.

dysfunctionalbedlam Sat 09-Aug-14 16:36:20

Quite both me and my older dsis have mentioned it to them but they always just end up saying something along the lines of we should be the bigger person. Even now my dad has just spoken to me and indirectly said he knows she was wrong but I know how she's like and should have tried harder to ignore her. I said ignore her screaming in my son's face to which he had no reply.

OhMy they are good gps and very indulgent of the dc. My sis is quite severe when she disciplines the dc in terms of telling them off but as long as they are kept away from her things and interact with her when she likes there is no threat. She is not abusive towards my ds (first time this has happened) but when she has had an argument with my dsis she has on occasion been a bit severe with her kids as a result but not violent. More like ignoring them or talking to them harshly

dysfunctionalbedlam Sat 09-Aug-14 16:38:49

I wish I could go back but the work is pretty major and neither I or ds would be able to move around freely due to the extent of the work. I contemplated staying in a bb/hotel but why should I waste my money because of her and she would definitely feel as if she had won if I was forced out and she got to stay.

Quitelikely Sat 09-Aug-14 16:46:11

I think you should stay put. You have done nothing wrong and she needs to show some understanding towards the dc. At this age they can be little pests and they certainly don't always do as they're told hence little blips now an then. It's like she's terrified of them finding her vibrator or something grin

Anyhow if your parents say anything else and try to excuse her behaviour you should say something along the lines of 'that makes me feel like she is being favouritised over me' or something along those lines. Though tbf it does sound like your parents just go along with her to keep the peace.

So is your mum, your step mum and her bio mum did you say? And dad all your bio dad?

Pagwatch Sat 09-Aug-14 16:46:17

I think talking in terms of her 'winning' is flawed. And, if I may say so, incredibly childish in the circumstances.

Your child has witnessed his mother in a fight with her sister. He has also been screamed at by her and you are all living in an incredibly unpleasant atmosphere.

I would regard money spent on a B&B as well worth it. I would be looking to get out of there. For everyone's sake.

dysfunctionalbedlam Sat 09-Aug-14 17:41:53

We have the same bio dad but different bio mums but throughout our childhood we thought our biological mum was the same. My sis has not capitalised on that as much as she could have ruthlessly done but she does indirectly try to put me and my dsis in our place . The problem is regardless of what I say this is a long established behaviour of theirs to minimise her transgressions and get the other party to accept responsibility and blame. When we were children it was always you are older and now it's you know what she is like. It is because they want an easy life which I can't begrudge them but I'm not going to accept being bullied so they can have an easier life.

Pag it does sound childish and I regret that but I don't want to give in to her bullying because she wants me out of the house I leave. It's so hurtful that my mother even contemplated that. My ds is enjoying playing with his cousins whom he rarely sees and getting attention from all the adults in the room. Confining him in to a single room which is what I would get if I stayed in a b&b seems unfair especially because of bullying.

My mum is speaking to ds but not me. My sis has been unwell recently and they have already used that card on me. She's not well you should just ignore her abusive behaviour.

cailindana Sat 09-Aug-14 17:41:56

If you're still thinking in terms of getting your parents to understand and "winning" then you're going to suffer for a lot longer than you need to IMO.
There is no "winning" in this situation. Your sister isn't a reasonable person, she won't suddenly wake up and realise she's been a bitch all along - it just won't happen. You have to accept that she is the way she is and that's not going to change. All you can change is how you deal with it.
I tried for years and years and years to resolve things with my sister. The relief I felt when I finally gave up was immense. I am still sad that we can't have a relationship but there's nothing I can do about that. She just isn't capable of it.

dysfunctionalbedlam Sat 09-Aug-14 17:43:19

*adults in the house

dysfunctionalbedlam Sat 09-Aug-14 17:48:03

Cailin I feel as if you are voicing my worst fears. I had hoped she would become more reasonablea as we got older at least for the sake of our dc (she doesn't have any yet btw). I'm worried that it's just going to remain the same but different issues I.e. move on from who borrowed what, gets what to your child is this that. I don't doubt she could use my ds as a weapon to get to me

Pagwatch Sat 09-Aug-14 17:48:16

Obviously you are best placed to judge that dysfunctionalbedlam but I would consider the possibility that you are just flogging a dead horse.

If you were in a bedsit would it not be possible to still visit so that he can play while not in his home. Would that not at least dial down the tension?

I just think you are in danger of cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Quitelikely Sat 09-Aug-14 17:54:57

I can't believe your mum isn't talking to you. I suppose she would be talking to you if you let your sister punch you and not retaliate though!

It's BS. Tell them if they want to accept being bullied then so be it but its unfair telling you to accept it. If they say oh you know what she's like, you say yes, she's abusive and I don't like to see how she treats everyone.

Tell them that if she can't see the error of her ways what is she going to be like in the future with partners etc. your parents are actually failing her by allowing her to take this role within the family. It's not actually helping her or them. They are just feeding the devil if you like.

ADishBestEatenCold Sat 09-Aug-14 18:42:16

Was it your older dsis's two DCs, who were in the house with you DS?

If not, whose DCs are they?

If so why were you still looking after them, when your older dsis had already left the house due to a confrontation on previous occasion?

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