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just found out DH been sleeping with prostitutes

(114 Posts)
amillionlittlepieces Sat 09-Aug-14 12:18:58

hi

I cant believe I am even typing these words but i am at my wits end as i have had no one to talk for nearly a week.

last weekend by snooping through my dh mobile I discovered that he has been visiting prostitutes while working away in another city which he does frequently. i very quickly got it out of him that he has been 3 times this year and it has been going on for about 6 years. I am doubling all the figures he has given me so am estimating he has been with about 50 prostitutes behind my back although of course he denies the numbers are anything like this.

he is full of remorse and crying and begging me not to leave him every time we talk about it but i just feel completely cold (maybe in shock) and my main concern is not ruining the lives of my 2 little ones.

my problem is that he is a very good loving father and also a good provider for us and apart from this bombshell things havent been too bad for us. I know it sounds weird but i just dont know if i can leave him and destroy this family. although clearly he has no regard for that himself and didnt mind risking everything for a dirty shag with a stranger.

i dont know if i can manage being a single mum and am frightened that i wont be able to cope alone. I already am on my own when he is away working and find it very stressful and i am short tempered and not that happy as i work and look after kids and dont have any free/me time because he isnt around to support me.

i know i sound like a stupid weak woman but i am afraid that life without him will be worse than life with him. He assures me nothing like this will ever happen again but his job takes him away often so i cant even keep an eye on him.

i cant talk to anyone about this as I somehow feel that i will be smeared by his behaviour too and that perhaps I am to blame in some way. I am set to lose everything too here - my family , our friends, my life , my future and i just don't know what i should do for the best.

any help and advice would be appreciated

CatKisser Sat 09-Aug-14 12:23:29

You've already decided you're not going to kick him out, but honestly, can you live the rest of your life with that dreadful knot of anxiety whenever he goes away? Or if he hides his phone in his pocket or takes it in the bathroom with him? You will drive yourself absolutely insane.

I'm shocked and sad that fucking many, many other women isn't a deal breaker for you.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sat 09-Aug-14 12:24:06

My advice would be two things (1) get yourself a full STI check and (2) tell him to leave.

Whether you decide to try and salvage the marriage or not, you need some real physical space from him right now in order to process what has happened.

DO NOT stay with him purely because you think you cannot cope alone.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 09-Aug-14 12:27:19

Of course you could be a single mum, some people in your situation would feel they had no choice.

In my eyes a loving father doesn't cheat on their mother with prostitutes. You deserve much much more and so so your children.

FabULouse Sat 09-Aug-14 12:28:35

You are not smeared by his beahviour; shame and embarrassment is his to bear not yours.

You must get a full STI check for your own health and safety.

Was he using prostititutes during your pregnancies?

Could you really stand to be married to a person who does this??

Of course you can cope flowers

noddyholder Sat 09-Aug-14 12:30:48

You are more than able to cope alone in fact you are if he works away a lot and has checked out of your relationship to such an extent that he can sleep with hookers regularly. He will still have to provide for his children and you until they are much older.

ladyblablah Sat 09-Aug-14 12:30:59

So he doesn't really support you anyway? Provide maybe, but not support.
I don't know how you can get through this healthily tbh. I agree it may well drive you mad.
Being a single parent ain't all bad. You actually get free time if the ex has contact. And he will still have to provide.
Staying looks like the harder option from here. Emotionally crippling versus peace and honesty?

juliascurr Sat 09-Aug-14 12:32:34

'i dont know if i can manage being a single mum and am frightened that i wont be able to cope alone. I already am on my own when he is away working and find it very stressful and i am short tempered and not that happy as i work and look after kids and dont have any free/me time because he isnt around to support me. '

you already are a single mum. you can do it. you are doing it.
if not for him, you would quite likely have someone else who either supported you or provided 'me time' or both.

wrapsuperstar Sat 09-Aug-14 12:32:39

What CatKisser said. A good loving father does not treat his children's mother with such utter contempt.

If you have daughters, staying with him will unquestionably, inevitably teach them that it is ok to put up with being treated like shit for the sake of financial security and help around the house. If you have sons, you will teach them that it is ok to treat a woman like dirt, that some women will tolerate anything for the sake of a nice house and a respectable veneer. Do you want this? Because it will happen eventually. Kids are very, very sharp and if they haven't noticed their father's contempt for you already, they will soon enough.

Some misdemeanours should always, always be a dealbreaker in a relationship. Your so-called life partner's choice to pay women for sex (presumably with family money by the way!) is definitely one such thing.

Oh, and he's not sorry he's done it. He's sorry he finally got caught.

RedRoom Sat 09-Aug-14 12:33:59

Him being a 'very good loving father' is debatable. He has risked the happiness and security of his children for sex dozens of times with women he doesn't know. He puts himself first, not them. He may be great at changing nappies, taking them to the park and reading them stories, but he has failed spectacularly at three of the most important things: being a positive role model, treating their mother with respect and putting his family before his own needs.

On one hand he works hard to provide for his family, on the other he has sex with women who aren't his wife while he is away. One negates the other, really.

I wouldn't be able to look at him, personally.

Branleuse Sat 09-Aug-14 12:35:41

what do you want to happen?

Apart from going back in time, or somehow forgetting what hes done, What do you see as best outcome here?

Smilesandpiles Sat 09-Aug-14 12:37:17

Could you really let him near you again knowing what he's been doing?

Do you really think you can carry on sleeping with him?

My own skin is crawling at the thought, how will you handle yours doing this?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 09-Aug-14 12:41:31

"He assures me nothing like this will ever happen again"

Yeah, right.

"He is full of remorse and crying and begging me not to leave him every time we talk about it"

He's not crying and begging because he finally understands what an absolute piece of shit he has been to you. He's crying for HIMSELF because his lovely secret life has been discovered. That he preferred to be kept hidden. And he's in danger of you disclosing his filthy secret to all of his friends and your families.

Be honest with yourself: can you really imagine still being married to him in ten year's time while he continues to spend the family's money on fucking prostitutes whenever he feels like it?

Be in no doubt whatsoever, you will not be breaking up a happy family by calling an end to his vile betrayal: he's already done that by his own behaviour. I'm in no doubt myself that there is absolutely no going back from this. He's betrayed your trust in the most vile way possible, and once the trust is gone the relationship is over. All that remains is to sort out the practical details. Like when he's going to leave and where he will go.

YvyB Sat 09-Aug-14 12:49:13

Bless you, OP. I'm so sorry.
Yes, STI check asap and also chat with GP about generally feeling low, tired, short tempered etc.
Don't put up with this because you're scared about the alternative: single parenting is okay and you will get in to a routine and build a support network around you. He will have to pay maintenance anyway and you might find that taxcredits enable you to actually reduce your hours a bit in order to reduce the pressure.

He is NOT a good father, by the way. Good fathers lead by example, demonstrate respect for the mother and prioritise the welfare and stability of the family unit. Shagging about behind your back, exposing you to the risk of STIs, spending family income on his dirty little habit and not giving a damn about the consequences all this will have for his dcs makes him a selfish and frankly, seedy, individual.

I'm not saying LTB - what I am saying is don't stay because you fear you can't manage by yourself. Only stay if you are absolutely convinced that EVERYONE is better off with you making that choice INCLUDING yourself. I suspect your GP will not be advocating staying with someone whose habits put you at risk of contracting an infection, however, not to mention the upset and stress this will continue to cause you. You deserve better: don't martyr yourself to fear of change.

amillionlittlepieces Sat 09-Aug-14 13:03:42

Thanks for all taking the time to tell me what you think and I know that you are all right in what you are saying and i knew that deep down all along but suppose I am too scared to face up to what it actually means.

i have said to him that he is only sorry now because his secret is out and who knows how far it would have gone if i hadn't discovered it.

i am going to ask him to leave and have some time alone with out him but i am still worried that the DCs will hate me and blame me for splitting up our family ..... maybe not now but when they are older. Can i really ever tell them the real reason i left their father?? What will that do to them?

our situation is very complicated as i dont live near close friends or my family ....... i have a lot to work out in my head now that my future has changed so drastically. I just need to work out a new life i suppose. Dont judge me for being afraid to do that as writing it on paper is a lot different to facing it and actually doing it

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sat 09-Aug-14 13:08:19

No one will judge you at all for being scared of what is to come.

Your dcs will not blame you. In time, it may seem appropriate to tell them what happened but only when they are older.

Fwiw id be telling my friends and family exactly why we split. Thered be no protecting H from their judgement on my part.

wannabestressfree Sat 09-Aug-14 13:12:15

Ask him to leave and take time to think things through and process what has been discovered. Ask for non contact and agree when he can see the children- this will firm up to him that you are serious. Then take your time.....
You will be ok whatever happens. I found out my partner at the time had slept with a prostitute and he contracted hep B. The only problem was I was pregnant. He is a scum bag.
My lovely son is in his teens now and none the wiser.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 09-Aug-14 13:49:45

Your DCs will never hate you, and they won't blame you for "splitting up your family". it's all in the way you choose to explain it to them. But please don't keep his dirty little secret from friends and family.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 09-Aug-14 13:52:35

Don't worry about how the dc will deal with it in the future, deal with the immediate future.

Have some space and do some reflecting. Be honest and true to yourself.

Wrapdress Sat 09-Aug-14 14:08:53

Anyone else see the irony of the prostitutes being with this DH for his money at the same time the wife is staying with the DH for his money or am I way off base? Do these husbands that use prostitutes see their wives as just another one of these women he can have because he has money? (To the prostitutes "money" and to the wives "providing".)

I mean if I was the wife I would be pissed and would refuse to be treated like another one of his hookers and I would get the hell out of there. Easier said than done perhaps, but hooking is probably easier said than done to escape as well.

Floop Sat 09-Aug-14 14:11:01

Husbands crying is an act.

You can genuinely regret one mistake. You don't just slip up multiple times over six years. He's crying because he got caught, not because he regrets doing it.

Turf that fucker out more quickly than a greyhound race.

I'm so sorry OP thanks

Itmustbelove Sat 09-Aug-14 14:17:58

You say, who knows how much further it could have gone? How much further could it possibly go than sleeping with 50 prostitutes?!

I assume you could never share a bed with him again.

Badvoc123 Sat 09-Aug-14 14:18:00

Well, he's not sorry he did it, but he is very sorry he has been caught sad
You can do it op.
But I do see what you mean...of course you are scared and worried.
But, you deserve so much better.
A man who won't cheat on you.
Not sure,if anyone else has mentioned this...but have you had an STI check?
X

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 09-Aug-14 14:22:00

"Anyone else see the irony of the prostitutes being with this DH for his money at the same time the wife is staying with the DH for his money or am I way off base?"

Yes, you are way off base. Well, that's a polite way of putting it. How dare you compare the OP to the prostitutes he's been paying? How fucking dare you!

She might be afraid of the future and how she might cope emotionally and financially alone but she most certainly doesn't appear to be sitting around happy for him to continue to be the provider while booking whores when he's away from home.

RedRoom Sat 09-Aug-14 14:23:18

Yes wrapdress, you are 'off base'. OP loved this man and had children with him. That does not make her similar to a prostitute having sex with him in exchange for money. She isn't 'staying with him for his money'- she has had a hell of a shock and is trying to figure out if she can cope alone. Many women are financially trapped in relationships: it doesn't make them akin to prostitutes FFS.

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