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Should I just 'get over' my paertners laziness and lack of support?

(93 Posts)
belhamwalk Sat 09-Aug-14 07:57:03

my partner and i have been together for 10 years. our relationship was great, until we had a son, 17 months ago. Now I am constantly eaten up by resentment that my partner is essentially lazy with regards to all the work that raising a DS takes.
I've come to the realization that if I could just accept that I have to do 80% of the work involved with our DS then we could be happy. Otherwise I spend all my time hating my partner and wanting to kill him.
We've just come back from a weeks holiday with 4 other couples and my partner spent the whole time drunk and only woke up with DS twice, one of those times I had to spend ages trying to wake him up.
What do you reckon? When he's not being a TOTAL asshole, I like my partner but I am so resentful that he does hardly any of the work involved - feeding, bathing, cleaning, putting to bed, and especially waking up. We both work roughly the same amount, he does work more than me but often away so he doesnt have to do anything to do with DS for a week here or a week there. I have had one night away from DS since he was born.
For example, today is saturday- ive been up with DS since 5:30- it is now 8am and I took DS up to see his father so I could write this, his father was asleep and would have slept for longer. This is my everyday.
Do I just get over it all, suck it up and try and make happy families???

Have you spoken with him? What does he say?

Mumof3xox Sat 09-Aug-14 08:01:16

I could have written your post six years ago op

I tried to suck it up and deal with it

Went on to have two more dc

I am just as unhappy now, my "dp" has other issues where he sometimes regresses to mental state of a 17 year old and is an utter twat but my resentment for his lack of "help" with dc and house is still there

belhamwalk Sat 09-Aug-14 08:01:33

We have big arguments about it. He thinks he does enough. I've suggested counseling. We havent done it yet but he said ok. But I dont see it ever changing. And I dont want to nag- he also stonewalls like a pro. One sure fire answer would be for me to just accept that life is not fair and he is lazy and I have to do most of the work. As you may be able to tell, that does not sit very well with me.

No. Why the hell should you accept it. Ultimatum time. Man up and grow up or get out.

belhamwalk Sat 09-Aug-14 08:04:29

Mumof3xox - my heart sinks. We are also at the point of thinking of having another. I keep thinking that we are not going to 'make it' in the long run. Without this issue my partner is really funny, really unique, handsome, kind, smart, interesting. But he also takes me for granted, doesnt care about my work (I was being flown to another city for the day - he didnt even ask what it was for.) and like I say - completely lazy when it comes to DS. also drinks way too much. He is a great father on a one-to-one level.

Quitelikely Sat 09-Aug-14 08:05:08

Nope you do not get over it. You both became parents when your ds was born. Being a parent involves a massive responsibility. If he wants to be a father he needs to start acting like one. This means giving you a lie in, taking turns in doing the bath/bed etc.

Have you told him your unhappy with his contribution?

Do you have anyone else to help you? Have you considered nursery for 1 day a week to give yourself a break

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 09-Aug-14 08:07:12

How can he possibly be a great father when he is doing no actual fathering?

Please don't have another child with him.

belhamwalk Sat 09-Aug-14 08:07:26

TheSkiingGardener - I am so close to that point but the house is in his name, short term I dont know where we would go! I can make our lives a total misery by nagging and nagging and nagging, or I can go get a lobotomy and return to the 50's.
It sounds like I'm asking for permission to become a stepford wife, I'm not. And I couldnt do that, there is no way in Hell.
I just dont see a way out of this!

Mumof3xox Sat 09-Aug-14 08:07:56

I think you need to tell him how it is, of course he may not care. If he doesn't care what is the point?

This is where I am at now. Although as I said we have other issues too.

louby44 Sat 09-Aug-14 08:08:04

I divorced my exH for this exact thing. Now 8 years later after countless weekends/holidays with his 2 DS alone as a single dad, he realises what an idiot he's been and what a crap husband and dad he was back then.

All too late now! You need to sit him down and tell him how you feel, write down all the stuff YOU do and what he does in comparison. Counselling may help if he will go.

He won't change, they never do!

belhamwalk Sat 09-Aug-14 08:11:10

Quitelikely - DS starts 2 days a week from Septmeber thank GOD!!! I am from abroad so no family and partners family are a 3hr drive away and not incredibly motivated to help.
FunkyBoldRibena - I know. and to my credit I havent yet. but its on the cards. I suppose its crunch time. I feel like a second child would DEFINITELY break us.
I feel like all my NCT friends have normal relationships and we are 'the ones' who 'wont make it.' I also feel like I have very little support. God, tearing up now.

The resp

Sorry. The response to an ultimatum will tell you what you need to know. Does he give a shit about you and your child or not? Then you can move on once you know the answer. He may be shocked and willing to address it. Or he may just say sod that and walk off.

Mumof3xox Sat 09-Aug-14 08:13:34

Out of a group of couples there are probably a few who won't make it in my experience, they might seem 100% committed and like they have a fantastic relationship but they probably have their own issues

belhamwalk Sat 09-Aug-14 08:14:44

louby44 - I've hit upon the idea of keeping a book and writing down all the things i do like empty the dishwasher, garbage, bath bed, wake, breakfast, lunch, dinner etc etc so he can see how fecking little he does.
I feel like he would regret it if I left becasue under all this domestic crap we did/do love each other. but he's killing it!
Louby44 - are you glad you divorced him or do you wish/ think you could have worked it out?

Itmustbelove Sat 09-Aug-14 08:15:06

I have been there too. I was so disappointed and resentful at the type of father the ex was and I will never forgive him for it.

I would tackle it head on, tell him each day what you need from him, be specific about what he needs to do. See if he steps up. If not, tell him you are not prepared to live like that.

If you don't, you will quietly seethe and become more and more resentful. He will get away with doing nothing. Your relationship will end anyway, just dragged out for years longer.

Looking back I would have been much more direct and assertive, not paper over the cracks.

Good luck.

belhamwalk Sat 09-Aug-14 08:17:09

TheSkiingGardener - I guess I have to really mean it and be prepared to follow through if I'm going to issue an ultimatum becasue I've said it as recently as yesterday - lets just break up then, I DO NOT want to live like this!!! I will not be treated this way!!! He knows im not serious.

Notexactlymarthastewart Sat 09-Aug-14 08:18:13

Exactly what itmustbelove said

Don't let it fester any longer.

belhamwalk Sat 09-Aug-14 08:18:17

Itmustbelove - do you think if you had, it would have saved things?

Playing happy families will not work and you must not suck this up. And please for the love of what is good, do not go onto have a second child with him.

Is this what you want to teach your son about relationships; that it is somehow ok for the woman to do practically everything whilst he gets to laze around whilst you do all the donkey work and stonewall you when you question things?. Of course not On your recent holiday he drank too much (I also see repeated references in your comments to his drinking)

Re this comment as well:-
"Without this issue my partner is really funny, really unique, handsome, kind, smart, interesting. But he also takes me for granted, doesnt care about my work (I was being flown to another city for the day - he didnt even ask what it was for.) and like I say - completely lazy when it comes to DS. also drinks way too much. He is a great father on a one-to-one level".

Really?. I think you are kidding yourself. I see no evidence in the above of you describing him as any of those things particularly given what you write further on in this particular part of your posting. As for him being a great father, well women in these types of situations often write such comment when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man.

You also write its his house; are you at all named on either the mortgage or title deeds?. I hope you are. As it stands your legal rights are very poor anyway also because you are unmarried.

TBH I think you are this man need to be apart as of now. Its not working and he is unlikely to change, he just wants some sap to look after him.

You cannot save what is a failing relationship here on your own. HE has to want to do his own bit here to improve things and from what you write he has things the way he wants them. He will not shift his underlying position at all.

antimatter Sat 09-Aug-14 08:28:57

What about his drinking?
Does that only happen during holidays away from home?

antimatter Sat 09-Aug-14 08:29:04

What about his drinking?
Does that only happen during holidays away from home?

belhamwalk Sat 09-Aug-14 08:30:48

Attila - he is all of those things, if you were to ask every one of his friends and associates they would say these superlatives and more. people love him, they think the sun shines out of his ass. he would go the extra mile for you. just not me. im being serious. he will question you about your work/life, ask you about your kids, remember your grannies name.
but he couldnt give a shit why im being flow to scotland for work for the day. its an interesting dichotomy.
When he is being good he is great, but he is essentially - boiling it right down- selfish. he wants to have his friends over, he wants to do this thing, he needs his sleep, etc.
IF i could suck it up and accept it all, I would be very happy. but I am RESENTFUL. and constantly tired/ cranky. I'm surprised if I get a lie-in.

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