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It's the final straw but scared about splitting up

(337 Posts)
Knackered123 Sat 09-Aug-14 07:35:37

My OH has not come home after going out last night and promising with all his heart that he would be back at a decent time. He has done this before and convinced me he would never do it again. He goes drinking with his friends and gets too drunk to come home and ends up sleeping on someone's floor. Very mature. Last time he came back at 9.30am and was still drunk. I said I wouldn't put up with it again, and here we are, it's happened again.

He is a good dad and loves our 8month old very much. I want him to have a good relationship with his son, and do feel bad that he will not be able to see him very day, potentially. I am not even angry and don't want a fight, I just want to make positive steps today to move on from him.

This is not the only thing that is wrong with our relationship. He doesn't show any love and can be, quite frankly, a bully quite a lot of the time. And sometimes cruel to me. We argue a lot. It's very stressful and making me unhappy.

I don't want to leave my house or go and live with anyone else for a while - why should I!

Please could anyone suggest how I can go on from here and how I can build the strength to actually go through with it this time? I know in the long run I will be happier. Thank you.

Doobiedoobedoobie Sat 09-Aug-14 09:53:38

The first step is the hardest, honestly.

I spent so long trying to make things work until one day enough was enough and I just took that leap. Telling my parents etc was the hardest thing but honestly,that was last Oct and I'm so much happier now. Things are a thousand times easier and I've been dating a nice man the last 4 months and me and EXDH are settled amicably after a very rough patch. This time next year you'll be so glad you did it.

I can't help on the housing thing I'm afraid as we rent and ex moved out to his mums. But you will get good advice on here. Good luck thanks

Mumof3xox Sat 09-Aug-14 09:56:07

Is the house bought? In whose name?

I am here for the hand hold as I am going through similar

HumblePieMonster Sat 09-Aug-14 10:43:54

Hand-holds to all those needing them, from someone who went through it all long, long ago.
OP, you've reached a good place mentally, even if it doesn't feel good. You're ready.
Crucial information needed is about the house and any other joint property - cars, furnishings, as well as other assets. If you have this stuff, you need legal advice.
If you don't own much and aren't married, its much simpler. Questions would be - house rented, in whose name? how will the rent/mortgage be paid in future? there will be excellent people along, I'm sure, who can point you in the direction of the benefits calculators online.
Wishing you well, and hoping people who know will be along soon.

Knackered123 Sat 09-Aug-14 11:31:54

Thanks so much all, your words have made me feel a little bit stronger to go through with this. It's weird how calm I feel! Normally I am fuming and ranting. We bought a house together, jointly, just before ds was born. It's my little home that I have spent a lot of time in, trying to make it nice and I have grown to love it (hated it to begin with it was a state!) and feel sad to leave. Not sure how financially I will cope as I am not working, but due to go back to work in October. It all seems so much to sort out but one step at a time I guess.

The other difficult thing is I know he will come through that door sometime today being all sweetness and light and try to make me 'see sense' or, actually what will probably happen he will make me feel guilty for making such a fuss and being so destructive.

Mumof3, so sorry to hear you are going through the same. Have you already left your OH or thinking about doing so?

Mumof3xox Sat 09-Aug-14 11:47:16

I am literally in the same boat as you

Sat waiting the morning after

He was given an ultimatum last night and chose to ignore it so rightly he should know it's over

kaykayblue Sat 09-Aug-14 11:47:48

He sounds like a complete cock to be honest. And he ISN'T a good father. A good father doesn't stay out all night, blind drunk, then come home the next day still hammered. A good dad doesn't bully the mother of their child. A good dad tries his best to set a good example of what a good marriage should be, and supports his partner.

It sounds like you are the main care giver, so you should be entitled to stay in the house for now (for continuity of the child). The best thing you can do is to arrange a 30 minute free consultation with a solicitor and talk things through with them.

Just get rid of him, he sounds like a total knob end.

Knackered123 Sat 09-Aug-14 12:45:55

Have your spoken to him yet mumof3? I called a few hours ago just to rule out that something awful hadn't happened to him, and low and behold he was fine but spent the night at his mates.

He said he would be home very soon and was trying to be nice. I simply said calmly that I don't care and hung up. Not a word from him since.

He talks about how he hates missing ds during the week due to being at work, then he does something like this and now it's nearly 1pm and he has missed out on half a day.

Kaykayblue - thanks, I needed that & it's true.

Mumof3xox Sat 09-Aug-14 12:56:30

Nope

I won't contact him first

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 09-Aug-14 12:58:00

It's entirely natural to be fearful, as the future is uncertain. What you need to be certain of is that whatever the future holds it will be better than staying shackled to someone who thinks it's OK to be a bully and cruel to you, who thinks he can do what he likes, when he likes.

He has absolutely no respect for you and has proven it more than once. Stay and have every single ounce of self-confidence and self-respect eroded and possibly gone forever. Sounds like hell, doesn't it?

Knackered123 Sat 09-Aug-14 14:17:59

Thanks bitter, that is so true. That part of my life has ben making me unhappy for a long time now, despite trying really hard to fix it, so I need to do something about it.

In a way I am almost pleased that he has done this. It's the reason I need to end it finally.

Knackered123 Sat 09-Aug-14 15:52:00

Get this - he's just swaned in through the door with his friend and an ugly bunch of flowers. Trying to be jovial with me. And now they have both fucked off to play golf.

Mumof3xox Sat 09-Aug-14 15:53:57

What

Mumof3xox Sat 09-Aug-14 15:54:07

What on earth did you say!!!

Knackered123 Sat 09-Aug-14 15:56:29

I know. Going to go swimming now with LO, as planned so not going to let it ruin my plans, and will let this sink in. coming back later.
How are you?

Mumof3xox Sat 09-Aug-14 15:57:09

Just cross!

Knackered123 Sat 09-Aug-14 17:25:46

Anyway, so I basically didn't say much. He tried to give me a hug and the flowers are insult to injury to be honest. Said sorry in the most disinterested way you could imagine (very awkward as his friend was there but good thinking on his part it's sort of like a protection).

He said he would be back by 5. I said I don't care when he gets back. It's now 5.24pm and no sign of either of them. I genuinely don't care, but it's just unbelievable.

Knackered123 Sat 09-Aug-14 17:27:08

He has seen his son for half an hour today, that's it. He knows I need a break and am exhausted. He just does what he wants.

Mumof3xox Sat 09-Aug-14 17:29:49

My three have seen their excuse of a father for 45 mins today

It's ridiculous

Knackered123 Sat 09-Aug-14 17:30:33

Did he return then?

Mumof3xox Sat 09-Aug-14 17:32:01

For a change of clothes

We did not speak

Knackered123 Sat 09-Aug-14 17:35:13

I just called him to say I need a hand (ds is whinging and I am trying to cook dinner and I have been flat out all week) and he said 'well I offered to take him out but you said no' (why would I leave my baby with him when he has been drinking all night?) and he then said ' I will be back at some point but I am afraid it will not be immediately'

I am getting angry now. He is a total arsehole. And that's being kind.

Mumof3xox Sat 09-Aug-14 17:38:09

Urgh

I don't know what to suggest to you. I am clearly not great at relationship stuff myself!

I have however given up asking for help or support with things because I have grown to realise I don't need it

Knackered123 Sat 09-Aug-14 17:43:07

Really? Have you finished with him now?

Mumof3xox Sat 09-Aug-14 17:44:29

As long as I can stick to it and not give in and feel sorry for his pathetic self

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