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Positive talk about children with absent dad please

(18 Posts)
Molly333 Fri 08-Aug-14 11:52:52

Hi , I wonder if anyone has anything positive they can add to mine and my children's lives. I divorced their father eight years ago ( they were then one yrs old and 7 years old ) due to his domestic violence . He has never accepted his violence and as a result he punished me for years via letting down the children continually and treating them badly, I tried for years to improve things but had to give up two years ago, I took the children out of the situation ( what he really wanted anyway) . However the children in particular my daughter miss a dad , she sees other children with dads and gets upset as does my son. We hv had therapy and I try to look positive in life, we are actually doing really well as a family but I hate to watch this pain in my children- can anyone please tell me positive stories of yourself or your children growing up without a dad??? Please I need a bit of a gee up as do my kids we are a bit of a lonely bunch

darkorange Fri 08-Aug-14 13:10:01

My DD has never had contact with her bio dad due to DV as well. I left him when I found out I was pg and we have had no contact at all since then. She asked about him at around age 4/5 and I let her know that it wasn't safe to be around her dad, which she accepted. She is a teenager now, we live with my DP and we are a happy family. I don't think she has really missed having a dad as she has never known life with one. We have a lot of support from family, so she's always grown up in a wider family group and not felt too lonely. She is a lovely girl, well adjusted and doing great at school.

I don't think your dc will really understand what you have done for them - brought them to safety out of a dangerous environment - until they are teenagers or even older. But as they've known their dad, it's inevitable that they'll miss him, but you just have to know in yourself that it was the right think to leave.

Molly333 Fri 08-Aug-14 16:31:37

Thank you ,I think it's doubly hard for us as we have no family and their dads family have also rejected them as they have supported the children's dad 100 percent , it's just so hard sometimes doing it all x

Molly333 Fri 08-Aug-14 16:52:15

Thank you ,I think it's doubly hard for us as we have no family and their dads family have also rejected them as they have supported the children's dad 100 percent , it's just so hard sometimes doing it all x

Charley50 Sat 09-Aug-14 00:40:30

I think the key is to be positive yet truthful and do whatever you can to stop your DCs from taking blame upon themselves. I was in this type of situation and I explained to my DS that DP's dad was never around for DP, so he didn't learn how to be a dad himself. I said that it was sad that DP couldn't be a proper dad but that he loved DS and that DS was loveable.
Hope this helps.

Charley50 Sat 09-Aug-14 01:01:43

Sorry I realise I didn't answer your question. There ate many successful people who were brought up by mum alone. I can just think of Reggie Yates (off the radio and telly) right now but as a single parent I always notice if a successful person mentions his mum doing a great job on her own.
My last post was about finding ways to prevent the DCs from internalising any blame or negative feelings upon themselves.

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 09-Aug-14 01:22:48

I left my ExH just before DS turned 1. I have no tale of triumph to tell you OP. But I know DS is better for not living with him.

Now, after 6 years, he has a cat and DP and he lives in a caring, mostly happy home and he is doing well.smile Children grow when their home is nurturing. They thrive when it's loving. They wither when it sucks. Did it suck OP?

MeMyselfAnd1 Sat 09-Aug-14 07:25:35

I think that there is no way around the suffering that comes with being ignored by a dad they have got to know well, I 'm sure one day DS will need to take some time to confront these ghosts.

But we both take confort on knowing that life is better since he is not around and that DS has been very lucky in having such nice and caring paterna/malel figures in his life.

I suppose tgat as long as they feel loved and do not get to idealise a parent who was not... Ideal, they would be fine.
Answering their questions truthfully in kind words they can understand will help but do not put bad adjectives to their dad, as they know that within them there is a good part of their dad and they will become fearful thett they will get to be as bad as him.

TonyThePony Sat 09-Aug-14 09:16:42

My dad left when I was a teenager. I never saw him again. Consequently, me and my mum (and my siblings) became much closer! We're very open and honest with each other and I appreciate her so so much now for being my mum and my dad.

She's amazing. I bet you're amazing too and your kids will (maybe not while they're young) appreciate you for doing double the 'job'.

Oh... And, their amazing mum is no longer suffering from domestic violence. That's the best bonus.

TonyThePony Sat 09-Aug-14 09:21:06

Oh and I'm successful (and big headed grin ...!!) and secure and I know that I'm loved.

M27J5M Sat 09-Aug-14 09:34:25

My 5.5 year old son has seen his dad a handful of times since birth but is in no way affected by his absence, still asks about him and why he doesn't have 1, I go my best to vaguely explain, he's now started saying I don't have a dad cos I have x (my bf) and my papa and granda! Just takes it in his stride

Charley50 Sat 09-Aug-14 09:40:04

Oh and a positive is that you had the strength to get out of that relationship and protect your DCs from him, and the affect he would have on them. And to get counselling to help deal with it. Are there any positive male role models in their lives at the moment?

wannabestressfree Sat 09-Aug-14 11:52:38

My 17 year old ds calls me his MAD as I am both parents to him. smile

Mandatorymongoose Sat 09-Aug-14 13:30:55

DD has had very little contact with her father from age 3 onwards. He phones maybe 3 times a year and has seen her around 4 times in the last 12 years.

She is beautiful, funny, kind and well adjusted. She does fantastically academically and socially.

She would tell you she doesn't really feel like she's missed out on having a Dad because she's never really known any different.

I think it's had a positive effect on her relationship with me too because it's always been me and her v whatever issues.

I can't imagine that more contact with her twunt of a father would have brought her any benefits.

Molly333 Sat 09-Aug-14 23:50:01

Thank you every

Molly333 Sat 09-Aug-14 23:52:05

Thank you everyone, guess I should remember why I left the horrible man and how I've protected us all x

Molly333 Sun 10-Aug-14 07:48:57

We are really close as a three but it does get really lonely sometimes ( I get really sick of always thinking of things to do) . They do have a godfather they adore who is really good to them but I guess part of this is my loneliness in this , I know I've done right but feel I would like someone for me now but what's out there for me and the children is pretty grim , contemplating many years ahead alone is not a nice thought anymore x

MeMyselfAnd1 Mon 11-Aug-14 09:14:05

Molly, you don't have to be alone, but it is true that if you sit and wait for things to happen, nothing will.

There is no way around it, being alone with children puts us in a disadvantage that single child free people do not have, but only I f you are not financially independent or not working towards it. There are many single dads out there who know and understand the needs and responsibilities of raising children single handedly (and many who do despite not having their own children) but who will be proud to have as a partner a woman that can hold herself and her children up despite adversity.

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