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Desperately need help to save my marriage with 9 week old baby

(147 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

simba86 Thu 07-Aug-14 23:53:52

Hi everyone.

I am going through a really difficult situation at the moment and really don't know what to do.

My wife and I (married for 3 years, together for nearly 10) are in our late 20's. We are privileged to be blessed with the most beautiful baby girl who is just over 9 weeks old, and we had been trying for 2 years for a baby. We love each other and consider each other true soul mates. Our lives are very settled and we have alot to thankful for.

But we have a major issue which has come to its head now and is now looking likely to cause the break up of our marriage.

My wife has had problems with the way my mother behaves towards us and her. She feels that over the past 10 years have been numerous occasions where my mother has been manipulative and spiteful towards her. I am an only child who has a close relationship with both my parents. We have lived for the past 10 years some two hours drive away from them and slowly over time our communication and visits to them have disappeared. In fact we have only ever been twice in 10 years to my family home, in comparison to regular visits to her family each year.

The stress of my mothers behaviour has become too much for now to cope with. She doesn't want to see my parents, and wont let our daughter out of her sight. Since she has been born, my parents have spent an our in the hospital with us 2 days after she was born, 30 minutes visit to our home where they had to look at her through our dining room door because she was asleep and 5 minutes with her whilst my wife held her on another visit. Her Mum has been with us for weeks on an off.

She sent an email to my mum expressing how upset she was, to which my mum replied. My wife didnt think that she understood the cause of the problem, so allowed me to speak to my mum, who replied by email again and apologised for hers and my dads behaviour and hoped they could move forward now to a better relationship in the future. But yesterday my dad was out of order with me, which I dealt with and was resolved, but my wife is so upset that this behaviour has happened again, feels they will never change, she can not have a relationship with them, and feels I have to choose to accept they wont be in our lives as much as they should be,or for us not to be together.

I am distraught and on top of that, whilst her mother was with us recently, her mother told me that I didnt care enough for my daughter. Anyone who knows me would say that is the most ridiculous thing that could be said but now my wife tonight has said she agrees with her mum.

My parents are selling their house I grew up in for 20 years and I really wanted to take my daughter home to have a couple of photos with her there which I wont have an oppotunity to do again as the sale completes in a couple of weeks. My wife wont entertain this at all so I was going to go home myself on Saturday. When they offered to drive me back, see the new house they are buying and drop me home to see their Granddaughter, my wife took our daughter drove off and intended to stay in a hotel as she could not comprehend the idea of seeing them. I talked her back into coming home thankfully

I want to save this for the sake of my daughter and our relationship but have hit rock bottom and don't know what to do

GarlicAugustus Sat 09-Aug-14 16:10:20

Thank you, SDTG shock sad The relationship's a disaster, isn't it?

I have no idea whether Simba's discomfiting narrative style is a symptom of self-suppression after years of abuse, or of a personality style that could easily drive an emotionally unstable partner to excessive reactions. It looks clearer than ever, though, that the dynamics between partners and both sets of parents are complex, engulfing and unhealthy.

I fear for the little girl.

IonaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 09-Aug-14 15:57:42

Hi folks. Just a quick note to remind everyone that Mumsnet is primarily a site where parents can exchange advice and support. Particularly on a thread that is sensitive in its nature, please remember to keep that advice kind and civil. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines:
www.mumsnet.com/info/netiquette

I may have missed it, but in case I didn't, here's a link to simba's previous thread.

GarlicAugustus Sat 09-Aug-14 13:44:43

Would people be saying this if the roles were reversed?

Yes, in the absence of context as here.

zzzzz Sat 09-Aug-14 11:51:14

It is perfectly possible to be both kind and direct, and or challenging. This is NOT therapy. The people responding are NOT therapists. Suggesting that a Internet forum should be used in that way is a VERY bad idea.

MeMyselfAnd1 Sat 09-Aug-14 11:44:51

If this guy was attending counselling, he wouldn't be grilled to provide a detailed information about how the iron was thrown at him, and probably the counselour will gently ask him if he feels comfortable to talk about it and wait patiently for the guy to feel comfortable enough to open up and talk about such painful stuff.

Instead, he is here being accussed by many about not being real, of lying, drip feeding and there are quite a few people agressively demanding more detail to allow him the benefit of a comment.

If you really don't believe him, that's ok but bear in mind that whatever has happened, he is a person who has found it therapeutic to write about his feelings, that there is some painful stuff going on and who, as anyone who had being living in an unhealthy relationship, will need some time to adjust his perception of things and act on them.

So in a nutshell, be kind please :-)

yoyo27 Sat 09-Aug-14 11:23:15

I think that you are the problem! Your parents and your wife seem to want the same things. But you are effectively being a sh*t stirrer and going to each of them with negativity and bad feeling. If you are constantly doing that then of course there are bad feelings! Step back for a while and encourage them to speak and see each other without you for a while.

EarthWindFire Sat 09-Aug-14 08:17:26

The iron incident, again no detail. Could be that she is extremely violent and this incident occurred because he didn't behave correctly, she could have been verbally goaded by him in some way or he could have had his hands round her neck and she picked up the nearest object...

Would people be saying this if the roles were reversed?

43percentburnt Sat 09-Aug-14 07:59:38

I have read the entire thread. There is no detail in the posts which concerns me. It's written in an emotionless flowery way. Usually posters give concrete examples, this happened then I did that etc.

Regards the violence, there is no explanation as to how incidents led to violence. Abusive partners often drive their oh to distraction then tell them they are the mad abusive crazy one.

What I do know is when I had my baby last year, the last thing on my dh mind was when visitors were coming. He was preoccupied with ensuring he could dress and change baby prior to leaving the hospital. Ensuring he knew how to check my stitches looked like they were healing properly. Ensuring I was comfy at home with food drink etc on tap. Trying to find the correct cushions for me to sit on. He certainly never mentioned that he wondering how to present our baby to his family in the hospital.

Regarding his dw feeling she is not getting help from him, maybe that is why her mother is present. If she does have depression to the extent he has been to her doctor due to suicidal thoughts then hell yes as a mother I would be with my dd at such a vulnerable time.

The iron incident, again no detail. Could be that she is extremely violent and this incident occurred because he didn't behave correctly, she could have been verbally goaded by him in some way or he could have had his hands round her neck and she picked up the nearest object...

Too little detail, is this deliberate?

zzzzz Sat 09-Aug-14 02:07:22

I agree with the poster who said that the writing style of the mother and wife's emails is very similar, but go one further and say it is very similar to OPs. hmm
It has a ponderous disengaged tone, and imparts remarkably little information.

There also seems surprisingly little talk about the baby and her effect on dw. Does she sleep through yet? Is your wife bf? How is she coping?

shitatusernames Fri 08-Aug-14 23:27:14

So after all this, and everyone that has made the time and effort to reply, simba hasn't bothered to reply.

I hope he's just too busy with everyday life etc.

temporaryusername Fri 08-Aug-14 23:17:10

Yes, I agree totally. It was just an abundance of caution in case domineering extended to violence (I am very overcautious and risk averse!). It just seemed odd that someone can stand up to his wife to the extent of considering leaving over this parents issue, and yet be so unassertive that they tolerated physical abuse without even mentioning it till nearly the end of the other long thread! Also that no real reasons were given for this rift. So I have no idea what is true or not. Communication breakdown in all senses I suppose. It does seem we have been given an agenda rather than the full picture, or that OP just can't explain it.

Radio silence now as you say!

GarlicAugustus Fri 08-Aug-14 22:47:27

Temporary, Mrs Simba can be both domineering and the injured party. The son of a demanding mother might well marry a strong-willed woman, and she's quite likely to have an opinionated mother as well. It might be second nature for Simba to 'challenge' all the female authorities in his life, using whichever methods worked with his mother, plus the tactics used by his father.

They could all cheerfully replay history down the generations if his wife and MIL responded to those strategies in the same way as his mother. It seems they don't. If Simba's attempts to get what he wants don't work on his strong-willed wife, and they can't learn how to negotiate like adults, they're going to be mostly at war and I can imagine them both throwing small appliances at one another before long.

Instead of trying to bring in his own mum as reinforcements, it would be a lot more sensible to invest in listening skills and meet his missus in the middle. Doesn't look likely to happen ... Of course I'm making a whole bunch of assumptions here, as Simba hasn't seemed able to explain things coherently. And has possibly abandoned his thread by now!

GarlicAugustus Fri 08-Aug-14 22:24:33

I think the real crisis is the fact that his second mother figure -- aka wife -- now has a real baby to take care of, making Simba revert to his original mother for comfort, attention, the familiar feeling of being centre stage.

This looks incredibly astute, Math.

temporaryusername Fri 08-Aug-14 22:15:42

Yes Mathanxiety, it kind of does. You are spot on with the lack of cause and effect narrative and it is very strange. I can see it all being as you say for sure, I was just hesitant because there seemed to be a possibility that Simba was going from one domineering relationship to another, possibly accepting things he shouldn't due to worries about his medical condition causing problems for his partner. If that is the case, then it seems to combine with a lack of empathy and understanding on his part (as shown on previous threads). There just seems to be so much left out, which does make me smell a rat but also made me wonder what we might be missing. You're probably right though.

All I can say is, just in case things aren't what they seem - Simba, if you are being abused please focus on that in posting, and you'll get advice here. If your relationship is better than it sounds and worth saving, then you will have to focus on that for now and explain to both wife and parents that the issues between them can wait and would be better resolved when things are on a better footing between you and your wife.

MommyBird Fri 08-Aug-14 21:18:00

Your last thread makes me feel so sorry for your wife sad

mathanxiety Fri 08-Aug-14 21:07:13

Indeed, FairPhyllis -- using of others to railroad or as weapons against his wife and in the interest of his parents, and to serve his need to get his parents' attention, and intense focus on his own agenda.

mathanxiety Fri 08-Aug-14 21:04:54

He has a half brother apparently, the son of his father.

VSeth Fri 08-Aug-14 20:59:58

Sorry if this is a cross post but how come the op says he is an only child then talks about his brother?

FairPhyllis Fri 08-Aug-14 20:54:49

OK - I'm breaking my resolution here. But only once.

In the last thread Simba was trying to work out how he could use the labour and postnatal ward staff to railroad his wife into receiving his parents soon after the birth. He decided that as soon as the doctors said she was medically fit to see visitors that she would no longer have any reasonable excuse to decline visitors while she was in hospital.

mathanxiety Fri 08-Aug-14 20:16:34

Temporaryusername, I hadn't read your posts at the time I hit 'post message' but I wonder if my last paragraph addresses your question?

mathanxiety Fri 08-Aug-14 20:14:24

The other thread is worth a read.

The wife as depicted by Simba comes across as completely psycho. Nothing she does makes sense. There's a lack of 'cause and effect' narrative. If Simba is truly miserable then why talk his wife into having a baby, why bring a baby into a home where the mother is an iron-throwing monster who allegedly does not deal well with stress? This makes me (and others) smell a rat. Either Simba is spectacularly unable to understand how people function and does not understand the dynamic between his wife and his parents, or he is stirring shit as much as possible, and trying to portray his wife as a tyrant with him playing the role of hapless victim with motives that are imo suspect.

I think the real crisis is the fact that his second mother figure -- aka wife -- now has a real baby to take care of, making Simba revert to his original mother for comfort, attention, the familiar feeling of being centre stage.

I would love to hear details about the baby -- how is feeding and sleeping, has she started smiling, laughing, any problems... I would love to hear details about how the wife's recovery is going, whether she is getting much sleep, how she is adapting to caring 24/7 for a newborn.. I ask myself when reading the two threads 'what is being left out?'

None of the progress of the first few months is automatic, or a given, for mother or baby, but it all seems to be very much in the background, and what concerns Simba once again is another effort to achieve a specific parent-related goal accompanied by the inability to appreciate that there is a serious problem between his parents and his wife.

I suspect what Simba took from MemyselfandI's post was the need to boot out the MIL. What I see in his posts about her and his parents is a tit for tat approach, scorekeeping -- 'if my parents are to be excluded then your mother can't come over either' -- which is all very well and mighty fine, but doesn't address the fundamental problem, which is 'why does Simba need his parents to the extent that he has stood by and watched his wife get to the point of spitting nails over them for ten years?' and the related 'What is Simba getting out of the spectacle of parents and wife fighting over him and how come this is more important than ensuring his baby is safe from a violent and unpredictable mother?'

The relationship is trench warfare.

temporaryusername Fri 08-Aug-14 20:04:08

Simba, if your wife has kicked, punched and thrown an iron at your head, that is not part of a normal loving relationship. It isn't something you can just let be. I don't know why you don't find that something that threatens the break up of your marriage, but her issues with seeing your parents do. I can think of possible explanations at a stretch, but none that you should be happy with.

BeansieBeansieBeansie Fri 08-Aug-14 19:49:22

Sorry, I did not read the full tread about her violence.

Please ignore my comment.

temporaryusername Fri 08-Aug-14 19:35:09

I could see on the last thread that Simba had problems getting the point or understanding his wife's position. Yes, in parts it was chilling, and I haven't had time to read it all.

Is it the case then that those of you saying his wife is to be pitied are happy to conclude that she has not been violent, or has had good reason to be? I'm not sure you'd be wrong, but I'm finding it hard to imagine a thread - even one with an unreliable narrator - where a woman says that her husband has kicked, punched, and thrown an iron at her head, and that is just ignored or justified.

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