War and peace sorry :(

[RollercoasterOfLife21]

Hi, Ive never posted before but feel like I could do with a chat!

Ive been with DP for 8 years, since I was 17. About six years ago we were living together but his mum (who he was very close to) got ill, he went back to live at home. She unfortunately passed away at the end of 2008. This had a massive effect on him and he ended up leaving his job which he was able to do due to living with his dad, stopped exercising, going out anywhere, put on alot of weight and developed crippling agoraphobia...every weekend I would have to get a 40 minute bus to see him and we would spend the entire weekend sat in his room.

In 2010 his dad had enough of him living off of him and he moved in with me. The same pattern continued, with me working full time, paying for everything and the worst of it, lying to family and friends about why he never went to social events/family gatherings (hes visiting his dad/hes not well/hes been invited elsewhere) as I didnt want anyone to think badly of him! This lead to me losing all of my friends as I never had any money to go out due to paying for everything and I got tired of lying all the time about where he was, plus I felt bad going out when he wasnt going anywhere.

Luckily in 2012 he saw how bad things had got anddecided to make changes in his life. He lost alot(!) of weight, really threw himself into exercising, got onto a college course followed by a degree course which he has just finished the first year of. He also does a placement locally alongside his course and is on their books as casual staff (incase of holidays/sickness). We have started going out at weekends, visiting his family, we even went away for the weekend in July and had a great time! I finally feel like we can start a life together that has been put on hold for so long!!

Unfortunately it is now the summer holidays so his course is on a break and his place of work dont seem to have any hours available, meaning he is now spending most of his time sat at home.....And over the past month has started becoming really paranoid about his health and very hypochondriac (a new 'illness' every week). I am so worried that he is going to slip into his old ways! I love him so much but I cant go through all that again!!!

Help!!!

[Jan45]

Sorry OP, but allowing him to sponge is actually keeping him like this, I assume you are still paying esp now he is not working, tbh, I don't know how you have stood for it, you seem to have put your own life on hold to accommodate his miserable one.

As for giving up friends, well, you don't need money to keep in touch, you should never have dropped them, you have made this man your entire life and now that it's tits up again, there's no one to turn to, or even have a chat with about what you want from your life.

Sorry but you just seem to be in a perpetual state of propping him up, what does he actually do for you, the relationship, your happiness?

[RollercoasterOfLife21]

Thank you for your reply :)

Yes i am still paying for most things, although his student loan, grant etc does help a bit, as was the money he was getting from his work when there was hours coming in. But ur right it is mostly me.

U are also SO right on the friends front, I have actually just got back in touch with a couple of friends recently and we have been out for a drink a few times which is nice, and I am going to make sure this continues but no ur right I have no really close friends to rely on.

I suppose at 20 I was young, stupid and wanted to believe the situation would pass and we could be happy. Plus I felt like I was all he had and that he needed me too much for me to leave him.

He really is a good guy deep down, and since he has been back on track the relationship has been really good, we have a great time together, I know he loves me and we are very happy in general.

I just feel like this hypochondriac behaviour is the start of it all again. I am determined not to just let him sit in and sponge off me this time. I just hope im strong enough.

[hellsbellsmelons]

What do you love about him?
Sorry but I can't see anything over the last 6 years where he has done anything for your or your relationship.
I think you are in love with who he was and what you thought your future might hold.
You are now 25.
He needs to go and look after himself now.
He's a grown up and needs to face up to what life is like in the outside world.
He has no idea. He's never had to do it.

YOU cannot SAVE him!!!
But for goodness sake, save YOURSELF from a life time of misery living with this man.

[LoisPuddingLane]

I don't get why he isn't working over the summer? There are temp agencies.

[Jan45]

He might be a great guy but great guys don't sponge of their dad and then their partner - the fact he is sitting at home and happy to let you provide is not great guy material, he needs to grow up OP, he's obviously quite happy to sponge of whoever is willing to allow it.

I couldn't stand that, a man sitting at home making up illnesses, probably cos he's bored and has nothing else to think about, you need to tell him he either gets a job or ships out.

Actions speak far louder than words OP.

[RollercoasterOfLife21]

You are very right, he has been sheltered from having to face reality, by his dad first off and then by me. Hes always known it doesnt matter if he doesnt work as I will always be there to pat him on the head and say 'Never mind'.

Everything you are all saying I know deep down but I suppose it takes hearing someone else saying it to make it seem real.

I guess ive always excused his behaviour by thinking it is a mental health issue which he cant help.

I guess my only option is to make it clear that I wont stand for it again, that I deserve to be an equal in this relationship and that if he continues in this vein then I will have no option but to end the relationship?

[Jan45]

OP, yes do it, life is too short, he's already draining you.

I have friends with depression, they all manage to hold down a full time job, take care of the home and kids, he sounds selfish, entitled and plain lazy.

What man is happy to have his woman provide for him - it's called a cocklodger.

[RollercoasterOfLife21]

Yeah totally.

I mean, he says he understands and appreciates everything I have done/do for him....but I dont think he does at all. As was said previously, actions speak louder than words. And if he really appreciated me surely he would be working his a*e off to make the past god knows how many years up to me. But no, he still expects sympathy for his ailments, and for me to continue to work MY a*e off so that he can do this course which yes is great....but doesnt bring in money! lol.
Hmmmmm ive got myself mad now thinking about it all haha, Uve unleashed a beast!!

[Jan45]

You are no beast, you are intelligent and starting to see things for what they really are, you must keep in mind actions speak louder than words, talk is cheap.

I dunno how you have put up with it for this long.

Imagine being in a relationship that was 50/50 compromise where both partners worked together for the good of the relationship - you could have that, you won't get it with him.

[kaykayblue]

You recognise that you've been enabling this behaviour.

He sounds like the sort of person that will always ALWAYS find an excuse for something. He needs to sort himself out - you can't and shouldn't do iit for him.

He needs to find a job and get counselling.

You need to leave and find a partner who is an equal. At the moment you sound like a mother to a petulant child.

[tallwivglasses]

I quite like the image of a rollercoaster beast being unleashed ;)