Being a single Mum & relationships - so lonely

[lonelymummygirl]

Hi

I am sorry in advance that this is a bit of a whining post and I feel awful making it because I love my DC SO much, but I just feel really low and frustrated and feel like I am never going to have a love life.

DCs Dad left at birth (I was 24), and for 11 years I have been on my own with him more or less. I don't live near family (and even if I did they are pretty unhelpful / selfish) and I don't know many people where I live. It's not that I am billy no mates, it's just that I grew up abroad and travelled a lot for work for a lot of years so ended up with nowhere that's "home" so to speak so live where I live for my job.

My DC has some special needs. Not huge ones, but he is extra work and people who don't understand his condition can be unkind.

Last two relationships ended because the guy could not cope with the special needs or more because of the fact that it is hard to date me without also dating DC iysmim. I never get a weekend off - or even a day off, so it's difficult to start a relationship or even to meet someone.

I pretty much spend every night alone by myself. the only place I go is work (no men in my office who aren't married) and home and I never meet anyone. Tried internet dating a bit, but I end up £50 out of pocket on a babysitter I can't afford only to be home at 11 and not able to have a shag anyway!! The men were awful anyway.

All the Mum's at school in my little village have husbands or partners and all my friends live at least two hours from me so there's no social life.

I do have weekends with my mates, but they are generally in relationships too and that ALWAYS includes my DC as well so it usually involves dinner at home rather than a night out.

Maybe 3 - 4 times a year I go out without DC at best. Babysitters are so expensive, and where would I go anyway....to the pub on my own? Most big events I generally have to miss or leave early.

I'm visiting my family right now for the first time I could afford the trip (they live abroad) in 4 years and had in my head this mental picture of me getting to go out, have fun, drinks with no kids and maybe some holiday sex! Lots of old mates live here and it seemed like a massive opportunity to actually have some adult fun.

I won't go on forever on the details, but tonight is a typical example:

Tonight I'd arranged to meet friends, a big group for drinks. Shaved my legs, put on a dress I'd been dying to wear, spent ages on my hair and makeup...felt really great and I knew this guy was coming I'd always had a flirtation with and I was feeling lucky!

Felt sorry for DC as he wanted to be involved so decided to take him for dinner before I went out for drinks. Mum and Dad said they would pick him up if I called after dinner and take him back so I could go out with my mates - but when I called they'd gone out and there was no answer.

Had to come home my taxi without even meeting my friends (tears in eyes trying not to show DC I was sad) and by the time my parents got home all apologetic I was already home and in tears and it was too late to go out anyway. This is what they are always like and have always been like so hence they're not much use to me if I moved to where they lived for support.

I just feel lonely. I am 35 and still pretty, I run every day and keep in shape, I dress well, I'm young at heart, I always wear makeup and make an effort...I am ready for love...yet I feel like it is never ever going to happen for me. I feel like my youth is just passing me by.

I want a life, and I feel so damn guilty writing this and like I am a bad Mum for having these thoughts. DC is lovely and I know how lucky I am, and he has been through such a hard time with bullying in school. I hate myself for even writing such things but I just wish I could have both love and a child and it's really hard to miss out on being hugged, kissed, sex...all that stuff.

Sometimes I feel like just going on one of those dirty sex websites or getting an escort.

Sorry, I am just so lonely.

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

Sorry you're feeling so sad :( sounds very hard. You've done amazingly though, I have to say so well done.

I will say, next time you have an opportunity to go out, don't feel bad and take your son. Just GO! You deserve it, seriously.

Of course you can have love and a child, so many do. Would you ever consider moving back to your home town? Sounds very isolated where you are.

[lonelymummygirl]

Thanks very much for replying. I know I need to move but my hometown (or at least where majority of friends and family are) is abroad and there would be insufficient special needs support for my son in the local school system.

I can move to another (bigger place) where I have close mates and it would be a better life for me but I'm really worried about changing DCs school, uprooting him, maybe bullying being worse in the city.

It's really hard to make decisions because I feel like if I mess it up and get him into a school that doesn't work that it will hurt him.

[yummytummy]

hi just to say also feel same as you. its so bone crushingly lonely as a single parent and so hard and expensive to get out. i can sympathise 100%. i also crave hugs and affection and have also thought of those sites. you are not alone in this

[lonelymummygirl]

I think I just find it hard because DC is rejected by the other kids at school, and adults sometimes too and I feel bad telling him he's not included. I'm not a total wimp and would leave him with a babysitter without a problem...I think its just because I am on holiday and he is as excited to see my old mates as I am and he sort of doesn't see my need for time as an adult without him. Don't want to hurt his feelings!

[lonelymummygirl]

hugs yummytummy

[Guilianna]

If I was you I'd investigate the move to the town where your friends are. It doesn't sound as if ds's current school is doing a great job in meeting his needs, so a move cd well be positive for him. A town school might be more genuinely inclusive, too. Ime villages aren't the best places for single motherhood! my ds was bullied and I moved him v successfully, so I'd say it's definitely something to consider!

[Llareggub]

It's tough, isn't it?

My DCs are younger so weren't as disrupted when I moved back to my home town. It's better but still lonely. I've more or less resigned myself to life without a relationship until my DCs are older, maybe teens and less dependent.

Until then, well, I try and meet new people rather than men. It's an effort though, and I keep telling myself that it is totally worth finding sitters and strongarming married friends into going out. My mates are frustratingly not into going out unless bribed! We are late 30s with young children so mostly knackered. I keep at them though.

I have vague plans to get out more come September. People keep telling me that men come along in the most surprising of places. Not happened yet though! Annoyingly for me, my best mate is single, male and handsome so I end up going out with him a lot. We just look like a couple so no chance of meeting anyone that way. We have fun though and I practice flirting on him. ;-)

Try not to get too negative. There are lots of us single mothers out there. Try and find someone like me!

[lonelymummygirl]

Sounds like you should marry your best mate or introduce me! :D (seriously, hook me up)

I don't usually get negative...just when I am here you'd think Mum and Dad would for two flipping weeks let me got out a couple of times. Was just so gutted they pissed off out and I missed my evening out.

[lonelymummygirl]

they were like that when I lived here too by the way. Part of the reason (along with schooling) that I left.

I remember just before I left I'd arranged for 18 of my old mates from all over the world (I was an army brat and moved a lot as a kid) to come here for a reunion. I organised a big party, rented a place, got a buffet. Some flew in from the otehr side of the world.

Agreed with Mum and Dad they would come to the party and so would DC (who was 4 then) and they would tke him home around 10 so I could party.

Turned out both parents got pissed at the party and were unfit to care for DC, so i took him home and they stayed up all night partying with MY friends while I went home in tears.

Pretty much the story of my life!

[Charley50]

Most humans are social animals and I think it's pretty soul destroying spending every evening for many years without adult company; you are doing amazing. Please try and get a bit of time with friends if you are still on holiday. And find ways to do so when you get home. Your son will be fine and a happy mummy benefits everyone.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Dont use your parents as sitters...id shell out for a private sitter. Im a single mum and I do get you.

[SolidGoldBrass]

What sort of things are you interested in, OP? What might help is to take up some sort of hobby/cause/social group that's a mix of adults and children and has a big social side. There are all sorts of things that people do in groups, sociably, that are often regarded by the mainstream world as a bit 'sad' or 'geeky' but are great fun and the sort of people who like doing them are quite often much more tolerant of people with mild SN than the mundane world.
Things I have dabbled in and taken DS along to as a single parent include folk dancing, LARP, historical re-enactment and visiting heritage railways. Arts and crafts and music groups eg community steel bands etc can also be very welcoming. (My DS has... something. Trying to get dx/statement at the moment; it's probably Aspergers but he is a bit different - yet all my folky/larpy/'wierd' friends are fine with him.

[Charley50]

Cross posted and just read your last post. Your parents were fucking out of order to that sorry.

[Charley50]

Agree with SGB.

[lonelymummygirl]

SGB thats good advice to overcome the long term problem. That said, if I relocate a couple of hours I have two of my closest mates who are both married and who would have DC at any time if I wanted - as well as being able to pop over for a glass of vino after work -so I know this makes sense.

I know I have to get interested in social groups that work for single Mums but being honest the idea of those sorts of activities make me cringe. I never went to Mum and baby groups either - but I know what you're saying - this is my life and I need to adapt to it.

Yeah Charley, they were fucking out of order. They generally are. That's really why I posted. I usually cope pretty well with being alone and not going out. It's just I was SO excited tonight and SO disappointed!

The guy was texting me saying he couldn't wait to see me, he was waiting for e with a group of mates in a bar overlooking the sea...I was just having visions of me with a cocktail laughing and being fabulous and here I am in bed crying on Mumsnet.

Not the end of the world I know.

[Dirtybadger]

You run a lot? Join a club! I know lots of people who've ended up together through our local club. You might not be able to get to all the sessions but now and again, perhaps? I swim regularly and just wearing my club hat when I am training alone gets people talking to me in the pool if they know someone else who trains with them/used to/want swimming tips, etc. Same goes for donning a club vest out training.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Look, TBH, you need to work on getting a social life first, not on Finding A Man. Ok, maybe the activities I listed aren't for you, but there will be other things that you and DS might enjoy. Please don't focus so hard on Finding A Man, because if you are desperate, you will put off any passing nice men and be an absolute magnet for abusers, cocklodgers and losers of every flavour. The thing is with being a single mum, you need friendly adult company more than you need dates.

[Shenton]

What you need is adult company make and female, you are more likely to meet somebody if you have lots of friends who in turn introduce you to nice guys who will love you and DC. It is hard I have four and believe me that's a big ask of anyone to take on.
I would put yourself first a bit, I should have moved back to the UK long story but a long time ago but stuff it I want to live where I am and the DCs will live where they want when they are grown up. Kids are resilient, you're allowed a life too.

[obviouslyneedsupernanny]

I know how you feel, and my DS is only 4. It is so hard. I online date (I have friends who will occasionally babysit for a couple of hours) and if I like the person we will have more dates at my house once DS is asleep. Of course it's not ideal. It is really hard. I really think in this sort of situation it's best to date single dads as they can understand what having a child really means and understand that you can't just drop everything and go out.