Hi
I am sorry in advance that this is a bit of a whining post and I feel awful making it because I love my DC SO much, but I just feel really low and frustrated and feel like I am never going to have a love life.
DCs Dad left at birth (I was 24), and for 11 years I have been on my own with him more or less. I don't live near family (and even if I did they are pretty unhelpful / selfish) and I don't know many people where I live. It's not that I am billy no mates, it's just that I grew up abroad and travelled a lot for work for a lot of years so ended up with nowhere that's "home" so to speak so live where I live for my job.
My DC has some special needs. Not huge ones, but he is extra work and people who don't understand his condition can be unkind.
Last two relationships ended because the guy could not cope with the special needs or more because of the fact that it is hard to date me without also dating DC iysmim. I never get a weekend off - or even a day off, so it's difficult to start a relationship or even to meet someone.
I pretty much spend every night alone by myself. the only place I go is work (no men in my office who aren't married) and home and I never meet anyone. Tried internet dating a bit, but I end up £50 out of pocket on a babysitter I can't afford only to be home at 11 and not able to have a shag anyway!! The men were awful anyway.
All the Mum's at school in my little village have husbands or partners and all my friends live at least two hours from me so there's no social life.
I do have weekends with my mates, but they are generally in relationships too and that ALWAYS includes my DC as well so it usually involves dinner at home rather than a night out.
Maybe 3 - 4 times a year I go out without DC at best. Babysitters are so expensive, and where would I go anyway....to the pub on my own? Most big events I generally have to miss or leave early.
I'm visiting my family right now for the first time I could afford the trip (they live abroad) in 4 years and had in my head this mental picture of me getting to go out, have fun, drinks with no kids and maybe some holiday sex! Lots of old mates live here and it seemed like a massive opportunity to actually have some adult fun.
I won't go on forever on the details, but tonight is a typical example:
Tonight I'd arranged to meet friends, a big group for drinks. Shaved my legs, put on a dress I'd been dying to wear, spent ages on my hair and makeup...felt really great and I knew this guy was coming I'd always had a flirtation with and I was feeling lucky!
Felt sorry for DC as he wanted to be involved so decided to take him for dinner before I went out for drinks. Mum and Dad said they would pick him up if I called after dinner and take him back so I could go out with my mates - but when I called they'd gone out and there was no answer.
Had to come home my taxi without even meeting my friends (tears in eyes trying not to show DC I was sad) and by the time my parents got home all apologetic I was already home and in tears and it was too late to go out anyway. This is what they are always like and have always been like so hence they're not much use to me if I moved to where they lived for support.
I just feel lonely. I am 35 and still pretty, I run every day and keep in shape, I dress well, I'm young at heart, I always wear makeup and make an effort...I am ready for love...yet I feel like it is never ever going to happen for me. I feel like my youth is just passing me by.
I want a life, and I feel so damn guilty writing this and like I am a bad Mum for having these thoughts. DC is lovely and I know how lucky I am, and he has been through such a hard time with bullying in school. I hate myself for even writing such things but I just wish I could have both love and a child and it's really hard to miss out on being hugged, kissed, sex...all that stuff.
Sometimes I feel like just going on one of those dirty sex websites or getting an escort.
Sorry, I am just so lonely.
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Being a single Mum & relationships - so lonely
19 replies
lonelymummygirl · 06/08/2014 22:32
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