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Normal for a nice non abusive man to become an emotional bully if you end relationship?

(32 Posts)
Divorcestatistic Wed 06-Aug-14 20:54:55

I know he is angry. I know I've shattered his idealised image of the family.

But really, telling me I have to leave because I have to suffer the consequences of my actions. This is not for him to decide surely- Joint mortgage ( I am primary carer to DC)

All I don't want to do is be intimate with him again. What should I have done- let him going on thinking there might be hope. Ten years down the line- tell him then.

If you decided to leave your relationship- did your once "nice" husband change into someone you could hardly recognise?

myroomisatip Wed 06-Aug-14 21:03:33

No.. it is not for him to decide. You need to disenage as much as you can, (if you have not already), get as much legal advice as possible.

Do you have children?

myroomisatip Wed 06-Aug-14 21:07:04

You will get lots of good advice, I, sadly have to go to bed as I start work so early!

Really, I think you need to get out of that relationship.

Divorcestatistic Wed 06-Aug-14 21:09:19

Yes I have children and I have legal advice which says i should stay put. we are starting mediation soon.

I am not sending nasty texts to him but keeping a record of his.

His lawyer "apparently" said if I move out that wouldn't affect any later residency agreement or benefits. I'm not sure if actually went to see a lawyer. Would they really tell a man to try to get the mother to leave of her own free will?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 06-Aug-14 21:11:24

It's a bitter pill to be made to swallow to learn that your marriage is ending because the other party has decided it's so without warning and then to be told to fuck off and leave the family home because he's not wanted there any longer.

Is there are reason why you didn't formulate an exit-plan which entailed you leaving with the children rather than expecting him to take it passively without a fight, and to just quietly pack and go?

Divorcestatistic Wed 06-Aug-14 21:14:55

Please be gentle with me. We've lived separate lives for 3 years in the same house- no intimacy in a very long time- so not a total surprise. I'd be more than happy to leave but I was told on here that i would lose my status as primary carer.

Equally I am happy to stay and co-parent. I just don't want to be in relationship.

I have been primary carer for 7 years

Divorcestatistic Wed 06-Aug-14 21:17:20

"then to be told to fuck off and leave the family home because he's not wanted there any longer"

Just to clarify- I'm the one being told to fuck off to a room here.

I am not making a claim on house. He can have all the equity. He won't let me take children. I tried this argument some time ago.

I'm not being unsympathetic to him - just giving him the option to not be celibate for the rest of his life

Divorcestatistic Wed 06-Aug-14 21:19:09

"expecting him to take it passively without a fight, and to just quietly pack and go?"

Again he's asking me to get packing. I could do this but I don't want to remove the children to the other side of the country which I could do if he continues to push (I won't)

DrunkenWhore Wed 06-Aug-14 21:20:10

No, it's not normal. When my mum told my dad that their marriage was over he was obviously devastated and angry. But, he told her he was quite prepared to leave and her and my younger sister stay in the house. That wasn't what happened in the end as she had OM who she wanted to go off and live with, leaving my sister behind with my dad. He did his best to be amicable and not argue for my sister's sake. Your ex is being an arse.

Hopefully this is just him reacting to your decision and he will calm down and start thinking about what is best for the DC.
I lived with Exh and DC for five years after we separated because we wanted the best for them. It was hard at first but once everyone understands the boundaries and accepts it, it can work smile
Hope you are ok x

Divorcestatistic Wed 06-Aug-14 21:28:42

Well we have been able to co-parent in the same house for a couple of years. I think we could continue. He can't.

Anyway at the moment no one is going anywhere and it's stale mate.

Divorcestatistic Wed 06-Aug-14 21:31:38

Anyway thank you for responding- I have to go sort some things out

BarbarianMum Wed 06-Aug-14 21:37:44

Obviously it is totally fine for you to end your marriage but if my dh told me it was over I would expect him to move out so I could grieve privately. It would be a bit much to be expected to carry on as if nothing had happened.

Divorcestatistic Wed 06-Aug-14 23:52:15

BarbarianMum But if you were ending the marriage would you be happy to move out and leave your children behind?

Strange thing is when I posted on another thread saying I was going to move out, everyone was telling me I was wrong to be even thinking about leaving my children- I'm so confused.

I guess I should start looking for rooms in the morning

BarbarianMum Thu 07-Aug-14 00:03:56

No the kids would come with me - that would be totally non negotiable. I would also hope to end up back in the family home eventually but I would certainly expect us to leave for a few weeks (if he wanted me/us to), to let him get over the initial shock (and to make sure we weren't around if it did turn nasty).

BarbarianMum Thu 07-Aug-14 00:09:19

With regard to whether you should leave your children or not, I think you need to ask yourself what's best for them. For my children, the right thing would be for them to come with me even though they're close to their dad. They would be completely traumatised if I left.

FuckTheMagicDragon Thu 07-Aug-14 02:23:10

Let me get this right? It's your choice to end the marriage (which everyone is entitled too do, hard as it is for everyone concerned)
He wants you to leave.
You are ok living under the same roof to co-parent, he's not.
You are married, not living together
You are the primary carer for your DCs

If the above is true, get some legal advice. You are entitled to a share in the marital home, at the very least. It's a joint asset. You have contributed as much as him to the marriage by being the main carer.
Don't leave, leaving your children behind. You may loose them.
Don't let him bully you, but stay reasonable and as calm as possible.

Again, get some proper legal advice.

GarlicAugustus Thu 07-Aug-14 02:35:52

Fuck all this "well, his feelings are hurt". No! It's not nice or decent, or mature. It may be normal, if everyone says so ... but in my world, couples generally manage to negotiate a reasonable split, or at least try to. As some long-standing mumsnetters know, my world never has been 'normal' but still the vast majority of couples have enough respect & concern for each other to care about how they're going to sort things out.

He's being a selfish arse. Looks like time to stop thinking of him as reasonable!

Chiana Thu 07-Aug-14 03:18:13

I agree with FucktheMagicDragon. You need to see a solicitor.

Isetan Thu 07-Aug-14 06:00:29

He's angry and lashing out and his reactions are understandable but those reactions have a very short shelf life, before they become just plain bullying. He wants the old status quo reinstated and he is prepared to threaten and bully to achieve this, it's imperative that you see a solicitor. If the situation deteriorates significantly then leaving (with your children) may be your only option in order to protect their emotional well being.

You were very naïve in thinking that he would roll over and accept your decision but hopefully once the shock wears off he will realise that it isn't a great surprise that it has ended this way given the poor state of your relationship.

Good luck.

Divorcestatistic Thu 07-Aug-14 07:52:44

Thanks all. I have already seen a solicitor who told me on no account must I leave- Hence the awkwardness. His solicitor is telling him the same! We are not married actually but house in joint names.

Mediation starts soon.

I don't think I have been naive in thinking he would just accept the situation but we have lived in a miserable relationship (for me anyone, maybe he didn't notice) for such a long time I thought it would be a relief to make a decision.

If he hadn't accused me of inaction, of talking and talking but never doing anything I might not have finished things. As it is I've seen him in a new late and I don't think I could repair a relationship with someone who thinks he's doing me a favour by working to "support" me. I do work too. I just don't earn as much as I'd majority of childcare. i hate this attitude that the person who earns the most is contributing the most

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 07-Aug-14 07:57:55

The man here won't let her leave with the children! She absolutely shouldn't leave without the children and he won't go so what is she supposed to do?

Divorcestatistic Thu 07-Aug-14 08:13:20

you got it Ehric- it's complicated- I'm just hoping mediation can help me here but I know some people have had better experiences than others

Castlemilk Thu 07-Aug-14 08:29:56

Hopefully he is just bitter and angry and is lashing out.

But, err, no - you should not leave. You certainly don't need to be 'punished' for choosing to end a marriage, or taking any other reasonable, legal course of action. That isn't for him to say, any more than it would be reasonable for you to tell him he can no longer, say, drive his car, because he deserves to be punished for being a poor partner.

By the same token, he will be advised not to leave - and that is fine - you at least seem open to mediation, co-parenting, and the fact that you may be in the house together for some time yet.

The main thing is the welfare of the children - and this I think is where you need, if anything, to be a lot tougher. You are primary carer. You jointly own the house, your asset. No, you should NOT be saying that you don't want any of the equity in the house - you have a responsibility to your children here. Don't let the fact that things are unpleasant at the moment and he is making you feel guilty blind you - you'll certainly feel differently if you let him walk away with most of your joint assets, and in three years find yourself struggling, bearing the brunt of costs for the children, while he pays the bare minimum of maintenance but enjoys the proceeds from your joint asset, maybe even with a new partner to share them. If anything, as primary carer you should and will be awarded the majority of the equity. The best course for long-term co-operation and harmony? Get what you're entitled to NOW - at least then you won't end up feeling bitter and shafted. You will NEED that money.

He has no right to tell you to leave - it's your fucking home as much as his. He has no right to tell you you can't leave with the children if you are primary carer if he is at the same time telling you YOU must leave. He has no right to call you unfair or unfaithful in ending a marriage which has not existed for three years. Tell him all this, warn him that you will not be changing your mind and that you will be co-parents for a long time, and if he wants that to be a positive experience the best thing he can do is engage with mediation and remember at all times that your assets are joint - not his to make declarations about.

Castlemilk Thu 07-Aug-14 08:34:59

I don't think I could repair a relationship with someone who thinks he's doing me a favour by working to "support" me. I do work too. I just don't earn as much as I'd majority of childcare. i hate this attitude that the person who earns the most is contributing the most

Entirely wrong, yes. Try this. Next time he comes out with that tripe, tell him he has two options. Either he could work out the cost of a full time, live in nanny and housekeeper, and add the cost of that to your 'sheet' of contributions, OR, if he is determined that his opinion is that the person who earns the most paper money makes the most contribution - then that works for the children too:

He contributes the paper money = therefore it's his. Great. He gets the equity, he earned it. No house proceeds for you, you have no claim.
You contribute the childcare = therefore they're yours. Great. You get the children, you earned them. No child contact for him, he has no claim.

Um. Not how it works, is it? No.

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