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Unfulfilling marriage and a new start

(18 Posts)
Telltaleheart Wed 06-Aug-14 14:53:45

So, I really could use your help and advice. I know some will judge me for what I've done. But please hear my story.

I have been with DH now for nearly 20 years. We have two children. Both of us have extremely messed up childhoods. My DM is a schizophrenic and DH family broke up when he was 10 and the whole divorce was handled as badly as you could ever imagine.

So when we got together at 20 &19 we were both pretty fucked up. Despite that we fell in love and married 6 years later.

Around that time I discovered his growing porn 'issue'. This would blight us for 10 years. Periods of extremely heavy use, I find out, he stops on pain of us ending. And so on. 10 years worth. Sometimes he got counselling, sometimes we split up but I always took him back. He used when I was pregnant with both children.

I'm sure everyone here is aware how it can impact the spouse. I put on weight (eventually getting up to nearly 18 stone) refused sex, felt inadequate and unloved. Uncared for and un-nurtured . With every time I took him back, my self esteem diminished. He never apologised, never tried to empathise. I was deeply deeply unhappy. By the time I had the kids, I was trapped. Because I was a mother and because I had no self worth.

After I gave birth to my son 5 years ago, I found it again. I tried to commit suicide, I could not cope with the pain of living my life like that. With an uncaring husband who loved porn more than me. A few days later I told him that I was suicidal. His response was to go of to work. He didnt ring me to see how I was or get someone else to check on me. I called the Samaritans and they helped. He essentially abandoned me when I needed him the most. I then swore that if it happened again we would separate

Well, 3 years after that it did. (2012). From God knows where I found the strength and kicked him out. Happily, thus time he got proper sex addiction help. He improved and became a different person. But we discovered that he has a condition called 'Alexithymia' meaning that he struggles to understand and process emotions. He has this due to his DMs emotional abuse when he was a kid.

So, I knew then that while he could get better and it explained so much, I would not have my emotional needs met by him. I was prepared to give him a chance but all the while knowing that this was serious.

Fast forward 2 years to March and an amazing thing happens. I start to lose weight (now 14 stone, smallest in 15 years) my sex drive comes back. I get oodles of attention from men. I feel good, really alive and sexual. Deeply sexual. It's like I've been in a dream all these years.

So, shockingly,I realise that I no longer feel the same way about DH. I have asked for a separation. I need to feel whole again. And there is a man who I want to get to know better. I've not been physically unfaithful but it has got deep.

What do I do? How do I handle this? I feel guilty for what I'm about to do to the kids but I need to feel loved and desired by a man who knows and understands emotions. It may not be with this man.. But someone else perhaps in the future. I've sacrificed so much. I want to be happy.

Sorry it's long. Thanks for reading.

Lottapianos Wed 06-Aug-14 15:00:50

'I've sacrificed so much. I want to be happy. '

And you deserve to be happy. It sounds like you have had a dreadful time. You said yourself your husband cannot meet your emotional needs and you want more than that.

I would advise ending your marriage before you get involved with anybody else. Don't worry about your kids - you and your husband will still be their parents. No child needs to grow up in a home where one or both parents are living in misery and feeling totally unfulfilled. Children benefit enormously from having happy parents, whether their parents are together or apart.

I'm so glad you're feeling better and more alive than you have done in a long time. Enjoy your future

Telltaleheart Wed 06-Aug-14 15:34:39

Thanks Lotta. Sometimes the enormity of what I'm about to do overwhelms me.

I've been talking about separation now for a few weeks but thus morning made it clear that is what I want.

We are talking tonight.

Lottapianos Wed 06-Aug-14 15:37:51

It will be a huge change for you but change can be a wonderful thing. It's so liberating when you get to the point where you know what you want. Hope tonight goes well.

Jan45 Wed 06-Aug-14 15:43:01

You should have separated from him years ago, now you will have a chance of being happy with a man that can be emotional, I think you've suffered enough.

Telltaleheart Wed 06-Aug-14 15:46:26

Thanks Jan. you are absolutely right. We should've done. Day to day we get on very well, have degrees in the same subject. It's just the emotional stuff.

It's funny. These last two years gave been so much better. But even so, I can see I was in a rut of just accepting the status quo.

He has called me a fool. Saying why stop now when it's good? I don't think I can make him understand how I feel.

Jan45 Wed 06-Aug-14 15:57:57

No emotion no relationship I'd say or a very sad and lonely one.

We all stay longer than we should.

I wouldn't even bother, especially when he doesn't do emotion.

Lottapianos Wed 06-Aug-14 16:02:02

'I don't think I can make him understand how I feel'

So don't try. Dont' work yourself into the ground trying to make someone understand what they never will. This kind of thing does you serious damage. You deserve to be heard and listened to and valued without having to beg for it.

Quitelikely Wed 06-Aug-14 18:26:09

Hmmm so at the moment things in your marriage are as you always wanted them........so why chuck the towel in now? Remember the grass is greener where you water it. I think you're already excited about the new guy.

If you want him at least do the decent thing and end your marriage before you go for it.

Darkesteyes Wed 06-Aug-14 18:30:00

"Remember the grass is greener where you water it"

Loose translation.......its a woman who holds a family together. And are the "gatekeepers of a relationship" blardy bla bla sexist bla.

Darkesteyes Wed 06-Aug-14 18:40:35

OP Ive PMed you.

kaykayblue Wed 06-Aug-14 19:02:14

OP - go for it. Just don't start anything with anyone else until you have separated officially. That's the decent thing to do.

Telltaleheart Wed 06-Aug-14 20:56:15

My goodness quitelikely where have you read that the marriage is as I wanted it to be? It is better than it was (couldn't have been much worse) but it is not right for me. I've known that for two years. Am finally finally understanding that I need to do something before it's too late.

I did post a bit upthread that we now have separated. We will still need to remain under the same roof for a good while yet. I don't hate my husband. I card for him deeply. But this has to end.

Telltaleheart Wed 06-Aug-14 21:08:14

Just to clarify, from my DHs point if view, he thinks life is great. I think it's ok but it's not what I want. My emotional needs have never been met in thus relationship.

I did so want to please him at the beginning, as you do when you're in love with someone. But it was never reciprocated and I gradually stopped trying.

Telltaleheart Wed 06-Aug-14 21:11:36

And and... I've been watering that bloody grass for 20 years! Nothing will change. My god, the times I have tried to change him over the years.

Yeah, I am quite excited about this new guy. But hey, it may be something and nothing, who knows?

CoffeeTea103 Wed 06-Aug-14 21:16:17

I think you deserve happiness we all do. In some way, I think you paid your dues to this relationship. You've been unhappy for 20 years I think that's too much to continue enduring.
It's great that your DH is recovering and working through his issues, maybe the role you had to play in his life has come to an end. It won't be easy, but move on, you deserve it.

Telltaleheart Wed 06-Aug-14 22:08:21

Thanks coffee... I've wondered that too. It does feel that way, like a cycle has been completed somehow.

Lackwhite Thu 07-Aug-14 01:55:21

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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