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Would it put you off dating someone if they'd had loads of sexual partners and had this photo on Facebook?

(42 Posts)
coffeewithchips Tue 05-Aug-14 17:14:31

After my 3 year relationship with ex partner ended very badly a few months ago, I have ended up meeting a man I'm really attracted to. He's French, has his own business, is really romantic and handsome and to be honest, I'm enjoying the attention because my ex was emotionally abusive, cheated on me and really lowered my self esteem.

This man seems quite genuine. However, reading between the lines he has had lots of experience sexually (way more than me, as I've only slept with 3 people.) Also, when I looked on his Facebook, there was an album of when he went travelling around Australia last year. He'd put up one photo he'd taken, with the caption "Best place in the world!" and the picture is of 2 skinny, tanned young women on a beach who are wearing next to nothing ( tiny thong bikinis that don't leave much to the imagination at all.) They are turned away from the camera, as if he'd taken the photo without them knowing. One of them is bent right over doing something, so you have a very good view of her virtually bare behind.

Now I'm not one of these, tall, beautiful, skinny girls he seems to like. I am in my late 20s, petite with an average build, lumpy bits and all. I don't have a beach perfect body. It has also made me feel a bit hmm because it seems like a pervy thing to do.

Would this put you off? I've only been talking to him a few weeks and he seems to really like me - texting every day etc. I just don't want to be his next conquest if that's all he's after. The last thing I want to do is to get involved with another 'player' type.

I'd be a bit worried about the slightly sleazy misogyny. It's a little teenage.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 05-Aug-14 17:23:04

The best way to not be "his next conquest" is not to have sex with him.

The whole purpose of dating is to discover whether the person you are seeing is the kind of person you want to embark on a relationship with. Like an audition for a very important role. Dating isn't the relationship. There's nothing wrong with seeing someone who is more sexually experienced. Having slept with three people yourself the law of averages dictates that most men you meet will be more experienced than you. This doesn't make someone a "player", their attitude does. You will discover whether he is or not by your expertise in carrying out your audition.

King1982 Tue 05-Aug-14 17:23:37

I don't think anything is massively wrong with the photo. Although the process of gaining the photo can be viewed badly.
Regarding number of sexual partners, I don't think there is anything wrong with that either.
I don't think there is anything wrong with not having a set body type. That includes skinny body types too.
I don't think you two are compatible though. If these things are an issue for you, at this stage, I'd end it. Be single or look for someone more on your page.

coffeewithchips Tue 05-Aug-14 17:25:17

True. I don't plan to sleep with him for a while as I don't feel comfortable enough yet.

I guess it's not so much the sexual partners. The photo has made me question him - why would someone take pictures of women on the beach without their knowledge and post it on Facebook? It's a little creepy.

Vivacia Tue 05-Aug-14 17:28:40

It would put me off, and not because I don't have a few lumpy bits.

Vivacia Tue 05-Aug-14 17:29:51

why would someone take pictures of women on the beach without their knowledge and post it on Facebook?

Because he's a misogynistic, pervy creep.

It's a little creepy

It's a huge red flag about he believes you treat other people.

brokenhearted55a Tue 05-Aug-14 17:33:52

One of the guys I met online had pics of himself half naked on his facebook. That I found weirder than putting half naked woman photos on.

Elfhame Tue 05-Aug-14 17:36:22

I agree the photo is creepy and an indication of how he may treat women.
Liking a lot of sex is not a problem as long as a person respects their partners.

LynetteScavo Tue 05-Aug-14 17:39:06

reading between the lines he has had lots of experience sexually I wondering if he is trying to make himself out as a great lover.

If the photo is an issue for you, then this isn't the man for you.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 05-Aug-14 17:39:07

The photo and the comment weren't necessarily a mirror of his subconscious, more likely a reflection of who he perceived audience to be. Some men do that sort of nonsense because they think their male friends will approve of it.

Just give him some rope and see if he hangs himself.

PedantMarina Tue 05-Aug-14 17:40:02

I'd actually be a little worried about the romantic, showering you with attention thing. You mention your previous relationship being abusive and leaving you with low self esteem: abusers can sniff that a mile away and will pounce. Besides, in addition to the self esteem, the previous relationship might have disabled your "twatdar" smile

Take some time by yourself, read a few EA websites, etc, and have a good think whether you see any other red flags in this guy's behaviour.

Floop Tue 05-Aug-14 17:42:40

Plenty of sexual partners isn't a problem. You can do that with respect. I have.

However, this man's blatant misogyny is. I'd say avoid.

PedantMarina Tue 05-Aug-14 17:47:14

Oh yeah, I didn't like the pervy/misogynistic photo either. For the record.

Vivacia Tue 05-Aug-14 17:51:18

Some men do that sort of nonsense because they think their male friends will approve of it.

Well, being racist, misogynistic etc for laughs certainly makes it easier to spot the prats.

coffeewithchips Tue 05-Aug-14 17:56:24

Hmm it's a shame because I do like him. He's funny, charming, good looking etc. The only other weird thing I can think of is something he said when I told him I'd be late to a planned drink with him as I was cooking a dinner for my family at mine. He then said that I'd be good wife material because I like cooking and he doesn't do that sort of thing as he's macho. hmm

I took it as maybe the language barrier though. He has lots of female friends and doesn't seem to treat them badly.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Tue 05-Aug-14 18:01:00

If someone tells you who they are - listen to them.

The best phrase yet that I have heard on Mumsnet.

Listen to Pam <nods>

BTW, I have two men in my circle who are great friends to women; respectful, kind and lovely. They treat their GFs like shit. They have a Madonna/whore issue.

thestamp Tue 05-Aug-14 18:53:32

oh dear. OP i agree with others. he has very clearly told you what kind of person he is. please don't waste any time on him.

you're feeling vulnerable post-breakup and it's quite plain that this guy is the type to prey on that. of course he's nice and charming, that what they do. however he's also a misogynist and a pervert, who self-identifies as "macho". just think it through.

Twinklestein Tue 05-Aug-14 23:27:54

French, handsome and sexually experienced - he's definitely a player unless proven otherwise.

Romantic and attentive is standard with Frenchmen, it's part of the cultural attitude to l'amour. It doesn't tell you anything about him. It's striking when you date your first French guy but you soon learn they all do it.

I think the photo is creepy and disrespectful, bordering on voyeurism.

You also should bear in mind that Frenchwomen are generally a lot slimmer than British (I don't mean none are overweight, but it's less common- they have the lowest BMIs in Europe.) Generally Frenchmen have more stringent standards than British men with regard to female body shape: they expect slim, toned and good underwear to an extent British men really don't, and they can be quite rude. So if you've just got out of a relationship and you're not feeling 100% confident about your body, I would tread very carefully.

Chiana Wed 06-Aug-14 01:09:10

Having had loads of sexual partners doesn't necessarily have to be a deal breaker provided everybody involved was a consenting adult who knew they were just getting casual sex. Casual sex in and of itself doesn't have to be a bad thing.

However, all the other things you mention are sending up loads of red flags. Bottom line, listen to your gut. And your gut seems to be rightly wary of this guy. If he'd take "up skirt" photos of women on the beach without their knowledge, he might take intimate photos of you without your knowledge either. He doesn't come across as being particularly trustworthy. If you're looking for a casual fling, you can find someone more trustworthy to have it with, and if you're looking for a relationship, you probably don't want to have one with a surreptitious snapper.

Dirtybadger Wed 06-Aug-14 01:20:10

I dated a French guy who sounds very similiar, when I was 18 (he was older). About 5 years ago now. Hope it's not the same man because boy oh boy did he turn out to be quite the misogynist psychopath.

The cooking comment is the worst! What a twat.

Chiana Wed 06-Aug-14 01:37:52

I think I must be the only person on here who ever had a nice French boyfriend! Granted, our relationship fizzled out, but it ended amiably enough, and he didn't do any of the the things you're describing, thank God. Of course, he was raised by a feminist single mum, which may have contributed to him being a nice guy. Either that or I was just extraordinarily lucky.

Chiana Wed 06-Aug-14 03:35:08

Actually, two nice French boyfriends. Years and years ago in Thailand I had a summer fling with a French guy I met backpacking at a student hostel. It only lasted a few weeks, but he was sweet.

I have met some Frenchmen who were prize dickheads but I never thought of it as being cultural.

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