16 months of relate - time to face the truth - marriage of 24 years is over

[Funnyfishface]

I am gutted that after 16 months of couples counselling dh is not going to change.
He is controlling, jealous, sulky, emotionally abusive and unfortunately I love him. But, I don't want to live my life on this constant rollercoaster anymore. His nit picking, negativity is wearing me down.
The counselling has been invaluable in that it has enabled me to gather strength.
I have suffered with horrendous anxiety for three years and only the last 10 months have been well enough to get a job.
Our DS are both adults.
I am planning on seeing a solicitor now. I'm scared. I still love him. Can anyone offer me advice? How will I get through this ? How will I tell him?

[Darkesteyes]

So after 16 months of COUPLES counselling did the relate counsellor not realise he is abusive.

Couples counselling is usually not recommended where there is abuse.
Im glad you feel its done you good OP.
It can be a dangerous time though for a woman when she decides to leave. Please call Womens Aid for advice.

Did the counsellor ask for a financial contribution at all.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Does your Dh realise that he hasn't changed even after counselling? Sounds as if he wasn't as committed as you to compromise and enabling your relationship to improve.
See a solicitor. Most will give you the first consultation free. Make sure your finances are in order. Then tell him. Just say what you have told us above...that despite months of counselling you can't see him changing or your relationship improving. Say you want to part amicably.
Then seek out family and friends who will help you through this. You may want to continue with counselling on your own. Good luck OP.

[Funnyfishface]

Thank you.

He thinks it is me. Even though each week at counselling he is being asked how he can manage his time better, how can he speak differently, how his actions are affecting me and so on.
He is very much Jekyll and Hyde. When he is nice he is lovely - but it's not often or consistent enough. Just now he is being nice.
I need to organise to see a solicitor now.
When I think about it my anxiety goes rocketing and I have to keep that in check so that I can function.

[GoatsDoRoam]

Solicitors are great: they deal in the legal and practical, not in emotions. So having one to settle all the legal and practical issues of a divorce in a way shields you from the emotional side of it, as they break it down into necessary practical steps to go through. And they are the ones who deal with the other party, not you. It's great.

You will get through this. I understand how fraught it must feel for you to even be in a position where you have to look for a solicitor, but ime having one to deal with my divorce made SO much of my anxiety surrounding the issue go away.

How do you tell him: maybe use your last counselling session (warn your counsellor beforehand) if you are nervous about doing it one on one?

[ElizabethArdenGreenTeax]

you say you love him but I'm going to presume to tell you that you don't. i think you fear change, fear an uncertain future, feel confused about where your needs begin, his end, that you've been 'trained' over the 24 years to be aware of his needs and to bury your own. All of these feelings are very real and they are very intense and can be all-encompassing, and easily labelled love. But it's not love. It's weight. You can detach. Just because he is not 100% bad that doesn't mean that you owe it to him to love the 7% that's good. You can acknowledge that it's there and walk away.

I think you should have counselling on your own too.

Love yourself, your the rest of your life.

good luck

[ElizabethArdenGreenTeax]

He sounds like a passive aggressive Blamer.

Google passive aggressive blame game.

here's just one article of many read up!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm sorry you're struggling. Agreeing with a PP, a solicitor isn't going to give you emotional support but, as I found, that can be an advantage. A little hard-nose logical calm in the middle of the storm of conflicting feelings. For the emotional side of things you need to spend your time ONLY with people that fully support you now. People who love you and can provide practical help. Not him. What are the living arrangements at the moment?

Emotionally abusive relationships are particularly difficult to shake off precisely because of that 'when he's nice he's lovely' aspect. You've spent 20+ years optimistically hoping to find a way of dealing with him, a form of words, or anything really that would flick a switch and he'd be Nice all the time. Sadly, the hope will stick around long after you've parted ways so anticipate some wobbles. Although I think you'll find your anxiety symptoms alleviate very quickly once he's out of the picture. A lot of people find they can come off ADs very quickly once the source of the 'D' has gone.

Good luck

[Funnyfishface]

Thank you for your replies.

Elizabeth - thank you that is exactly how it is.
Our counsellor has told him that he is abusive and passive aggressive.
Cogito - we live together although in separate rooms since counselling started. We do still have a physical relationship - not regularly but strange as it may sound that's probably the best part of our marriage.
I have lots of support in fact most of my family and friends have been expecting me to have given up on him long ago.

I know that my next step is solicitor and I need to organise that. When I think about it all I can feel the anxiety rising and that's the the thing I'm most afraid of. I have been housebound when anxiety is at its worst. I cannot comprehend going back there.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I don't want to sound unkind but you won't help your anxiety and you're not making it easy for yourself by carrying on sleeping with him. You mentioned that he is controlling and sex is a pretty powerful way of exerting control. A divorce will separate you on paper but I think you'll struggle with the reality if you don't separate physically and mentally starting now.

[Funnyfishface]

I understand what you are saying and it doesn't sound unkind.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi op

I agree with the previous poster that you need some physical distance between you and him before you do anything.

I would go as far as to suggest staying at a relative or a friend while you file, or just if you can rent somewhere short term if you think he is going to get nasty.

This will give you head space and time to think things through clearly, maybe even go back to the counsellor and see them for yourself, mind you 16 months is a long time and I am surprised she didn't suggest you had your own therapy to be honest.

[Funnyfishface]

I have made appointment to see the solicitor.

[Jan45]

Oh sad but you know what, you only get one chance in life to be happy and he is clearly making you miserable.

You love him yes, that's not enough to make a relationship work if fundamentally you are two different people who can't or won't compromise.

OP, you've tried and tried, at least you know that much, move on to a better life with no anxiety and no walking on eggshells.

[Funnyfishface]

I had my solicitors appointment last week.

The following evening I told dh I had had enough. I don't think I love him anymore. Asked for some space. He is EA and controlling. And he begged me not to do this. He can change. We have been together to long to throw it away.
I was really calm, I told him that I didn't blame him. We are both at fault. But I just can't do this anymore.
He is in complete denial. The following day he was texting me, he is literally trying everything. He has said he will get counselling for his anger.
He is away for a few days now and the house is peaceful.
I'm calm and liking the tranquility.

Why do I feel the need to protect him. I'm worried that he won't be ok. I'm feeling responsible.
I am better when I don't see him. I can cope then. I'm scared I'm going to be sucked back in.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I predicted before that emotionally controlling people exert a huge influence that carries on long after the relationship ends and that there would be wobbles. Manipulation takes many forms, including the guilt-tripping and fake promises that you're now being subjected to. It's not denial. A bully will simply do anything to keep you in the trap. Reject his efforts and I guarantee he will go completely the other way and get very nasty. If he starts making threats either to you or himself be prepared to act promptly. The police non-emergency number for Domestic Abuse is 101, for example.

If you're worried you'll cave, get someone to support you or have somewhere to go. It's important you keep your distance.

[Funnyfishface]

Cogito - that really scares me

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What scares you? That he'll get nasty?

[Funnyfishface]

Yes.

[AgathaF]

It's better to expect the worst, that way you can get things in place now to protect yourself. Make sure you have copies of any documents you may need - wage slips, P60, banks statements, pensions, shares etc. If you can, perhaps pack a small bag of essentials and leave it with someone you trust, or even in the boot of your car, so that you know that you can walk out of the door for a night if needs be. Be prepared to phone the police if he turns violent.

What support do you have - any family or friends that you have talked this through with?

[KouignAmann]

Well done FunnyFish for getting to this point. I know your name from the EA Support thread and I am sure you are doing the right thing.
I would expect when it dawns on your H that you mean it this time you will get the whole gamut of manipulatuve tricks. Tears and promises and threats of suicide. Dont be taken in. You are on your way to a better life!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Anticipating how something is going to play out means you can prepare. 'Forewarned is forearmed'. If you're ready for the worst, anything better is a bonus. If you're scared you might benefit from talking to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 who have a lot of experience in helping women escape abusive relationships. If you can have others around you, that helps. If you can remove yourself and do all this from a distance, that might help as well.

[Funnyfishface]

Thank you - yes I have lots of RL support.

I'm gutted it has come to this but calm and feeling quite strong xx

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Takes courage to stand up to a bully and I'm glad you have RL support. A motto I personally like is 'don't take a sword to a gun-fight'.... so tip the balance in your favour, get all your big 'guns' around you and best of luck

[Funnyfishface]

I'm having a hard time.
He was crying this morning which made me upset. I know and have told him that I need distance from him. I can cope when I'm not seeing him.
He wants me to give him hope that we can be together again if he changes. If he goes for anger management and counselling.
I have told him he needs to do these things for himself and not for me.
I cannot be brutal - I don't want to hurt him anymore than he is.
He takes responsibility and says he understands what I am saying but then I am having to say it all again the next day.

We had been invited to a wedding together this week. I am going on my own. He is devastated. His comments were - I'm going to miss my wife looking gorgeous and the opportunity of a night in a hotel.

He said 'aren't you going to miss having sex with me' ? He doesn't want to consider his life without me.

I don't know how to deal with all this.
How can I get to the place where I don't feel so shit. As if I'm the one that's destroyed our relationship.
I'm trying to be firm and honest without devastating consequences. All the time trying to keep my anxiety at bay.
I'm sure that distance is the key but that doesn't happen overnight.

The last time he moved out he didn't give me space. He was calling, texting shushing up etc. he said that the stress he went through then was horrendous. He doesn't think he can go through that again.
I have offered to move out.
I gave left him to think of the options we have over the next few days whilst I am away.

Cog - any thoughts?

[AgathaF]

I don't want to hurt him anymore than he is - he hasn't given you that same consideration over the years though, has he?

Everything you have said in your last post is really just further examples of his controlling nature. It's just set within slightly different circumstances at the moment.

It's all about him though - seeing you dressed up, missing sex, not giving you space previously, refusing to see your point of view, telling you he can't go through it again. If he was committed to changing, he would take himself off (because he knows that is the best thing for you), he would seek help himself, he would give you space.