Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dating thread 78

(1000 Posts)
Jarlin Sun 03-Aug-14 23:55:44

As we were saying.....

Jarlin Sun 03-Aug-14 23:57:50

I needed to start this new thread as I have news sad

slow emailed me tonight to say I'm right. He can't give me what I want.

Bloody wish he'd realised this months ago. It's not been a good day for some if us has it?!

Jarlin Mon 04-Aug-14 00:05:00

Of* not if*!!

BeforeAndAfter Mon 04-Aug-14 00:06:45

Jarlin I'm so sorry - that seems unexpected too after his reaction to your email. Did he explain himself?

dippinmytoe Mon 04-Aug-14 00:12:29

Oh ffs jarlin is there some sort of strange moon affecting these twats ?? I'm so sorry for you ... you too deserve better

BeforeAndAfter Mon 04-Aug-14 00:12:52

Folk I actually think he really wants to be with you but he just has no idea how to do it. He probably spent years dipping in and out of shallow relationships and it's left him undeveloped. It's so draining for you though. I hope you got to the running shop today but I suspect you were a tad distracted.

Jarlin Mon 04-Aug-14 00:16:49

before I was shocked to receive it but to be honest, I've known all along that he just wasn't as into me as I was him haven't I?

He spent today with his DD1 who seems to have a lot of influence over him. I am quite sure she has put a spanner in the works.
When we parted today, he actually made plans to see me again wednesday.
It's strange but it's probably for the best because he obvious didn't feel as deeply for me as I did him.

It's so sad sad

Jarlin Mon 04-Aug-14 00:17:38

Thanks dippin

BeforeAndAfter Mon 04-Aug-14 00:18:49

My Meetup night was lovely. I ended up drinking outside by the river with <<whispers>> a chap. He was lovely company, thoroughly undateable for me, but it was a lovely and relaxed evening.

BeforeAndAfter Mon 04-Aug-14 00:25:04

Jarlin is DD1 the one you gave a lift to? I think it's sad when teens are allowed to influence things too much because they will be buggering off to live their own lives all too quickly.

Your instincts were right, weren't they? You've always had that hunch but I just hoped it was because Slow never gave you much feedback. I wonder if he will have a rethink once he's mulled it all over? It's a real shame.

Jarlin Mon 04-Aug-14 00:37:05

before No. I gave a lift to DD2.
DD1 always sounded kinda scary!

He has sent a follow up email saying I'm pretty much everything he wants in a partner! But at least he's blaming himself for not being able to give what I need.
I am excited to hear that you had a lovely evening!
We need some more good news here.......

BeforeAndAfter Mon 04-Aug-14 00:52:52

Between Folk and Jarlin I think that yesterday will go down in thread history as Black Sunday. sad

Jarlin Mon 04-Aug-14 00:59:01

You are right there before!

We met our now 'ex's' sad within weeks of each other too.

I am beginning to think all men of a certain age are flawed in some way......

BeforeAndAfter Mon 04-Aug-14 01:09:36

Sadly Jarlin I think most of us are flawed - male or female. I know I am deeply flawed now and the older I get the less I will compromise.

FolkGirl Mon 04-Aug-14 04:45:36

As you can see, sleep is somewhat elusive tonight.

Jarlin I'm so sorry to read this. God I must be bad, I cried when I read your 'news' and I don't even know you! <sad, tearful, hollow, snotty laugh> I can't believe it happened on the same day!

I didn't get to the running shop today, although I took half the contents of my garage to the tip and do the garden.

I think it was AndCat who mentioned it at the end of the last thread, the podcasts are easy to download from the NHS website.

Before I think you're right. He's sent a couple more, brief emails. They're not nasty. Just sad. Only a line or two. But it's clear he's hurting as much as me.

I kind of feel that this is it for me now. Not because, as I said, I don't think I'll ever get over him. I know I will. But because I feel like I gave it (dating/relationships/love) another shot and it just didn't work. I don't know if I would have the strength to do it again. And although the distance. and only seeing each other infrequently, is what killed it, it's also all I could manage emotionally/mentally.

I'm also beginning to think they're flawed in some way... But then, maybe we are too sad

Jarlin Mon 04-Aug-14 05:01:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jarlin Mon 04-Aug-14 05:05:16

Hi folk
I managed about 2 hours sleep. Sorry you can't sleep either.

It's such a wretched feeling isn't it?
slow sent a couple of emails after his 'I can't give you what I want' one so I told him to stop.
If it's over, it's over. I can't be doing with seeing his name pop up on my email because it hurts.
I have deleted all his texts and de friended him from Facebook.

I feel so bruised. sad
I was willing to give my heart again after being cheated on twice, in both of my LTR. And now this.
I can't face starting the process all over again......

Hissy Mon 04-Aug-14 06:40:36

So sorry to see the bad news continues.

Have woken up with an appalling headache but feel slightly less crap.

FolkGirl Mon 04-Aug-14 07:53:41

Jarlin Same here. I was cheated on in both of my LTR's too. I know what you mean about feeling bruised.

I'm not sure I can face starting the process again either.

I've also deleted all texts and emails.

I'm dreading getting a "can we try again" email because I'd find it really difficult to say, "no" but it's over for a reason.

His last email suggested that he thinks I've been seeing someone else. He has no idea... sad

AndCatMakesThree Mon 04-Aug-14 08:27:36

Jarlin, I could hardly believe it when I woke up and saw your update. It seems so out of the blue - one minute he's showing you affection in front of his DS and making plans to see you in a few days, and suddenly this. What on earth would make him change his mind in a few hours? (And if it's his DD, I wonder why?)

Anyway, I'm so, so sorry to hear your news. I imagine you're feeling awful this morning, bruised and sleep-deprived. Do you have to work today? Do you have a good friend you can spend time with?

FolkGirl Mon 04-Aug-14 08:40:20

Oh dear. He's just emailed to say that he loves me. That's all it said.

I'm too old and grown up for all this drama. My exH spent the first few months of our relationship ending it. He did it as a punishment and, I'm afraid to say, he pulled my strings good n proper. That's when my mother told me I should do whatever it took to get him back, basically, because I was lucky he was willing to take me on. What with me already having another man's child and all...

I don't think my ex boyfriend has done it for that reason. I think he is somewhat emotionally immature and can't cope with the way his feelings make him, well, feel. I think he likes the big rush of relief you get following the "I still love you, I don't want to lose you, lets do it again..." and the big make up; the falling into each others arms and never wanting to let go.

And I would find it very difficult to resist that this time, because I can't face not visiting his home again - here and overseas, and I hate the thought of never lying there at 3 in the morning wide awake listening to im snore... hmm again, or his dog. And I don't even like dogs - but we had a real connection wink. And in so many ways it was just what I needed...

But in a month or so time, it would happen all over again. But I'd have had another month or so of wondering why he hadn't called, or who he was with, or what he was doing, or whether I was thin or pretty enough...

I'm exhausted just thinking about it. sad

Minime85 Mon 04-Aug-14 08:42:01

Oh jarlin I'm so sorry. What on earth got into these men over the weekend?! I just don't know what to say. I hope you are ok and have things to keep you busy today.

Folk he needs to bloody well leave you alone. I think you and jarlin are so lovely and just haven't deserved any of this at all. How can men (huge generalisation but it seems to be mostly true) be so good at emotional fuckwittery ! angry

Minime85 Mon 04-Aug-14 08:47:14

Oh folk so I'm relatively new to this thread still, so has he behaved in a similar way to this before, making you feel it was over and then like you day falling into each other's arms? I think you have hit the nail on the head he is emotional immature and doesn't know how to channel things in a grown up, long lasting way hmm

louby44 Mon 04-Aug-14 09:02:59

jarlin oh I'm so sorry! What a shit weekend you and folk have had. Men are strange creatures, fools to themselves.

FolkGirl Mon 04-Aug-14 09:09:59

Well only a couple of times, Mini.

Actually, the first time I ended it because I was having my own crisis of confidence. Which you'll also have missed (fortunately for you wink ) and I really felt that I didn't know how he felt, that I couldn't trust it, I couldn't cope with the enormity of my own feelings and didn't think his matched mine.

He said he wasn't prepared to let me go that easily, told me he loved me and it was lovely. It was also genuine on my part. I'd have been prepared to walk away at that point.

He's done it once since. But that was driven by his own insecurity and a series of unfortunate events on my part that meant I had to cancel seeing him. I think he felt I'd just been making excuses.

But the great declarations and emotional openness have only come following these. But then I'm wondering now, writing this, if I'm no different or at least part of the problem.

And Before will know what I mean about this wink

I think that I'm so scared of being hurt, I've been quite reserved. I always took my cue from him. He knows/knew how I feel/felt about him but if he was quiet or holding back, I did the same. If I felt that he was being emotionally distant, I matched him. Not in a game playing way, but in a "I don't want to make a fool of myself" or "smother him" kind of way. And I didn't really have the confidence to really 'own' how I felt about him. I suppose he probably felt like he didn't really know how I felt. I felt overwhelmed by my feelings a lot of the time.

So yes, I think he probably had a hard time knowing how I felt. On reflection, I feel like I gave a lot, but in reality, I probably gave very little of myself, emotionally.

In fact, I'd probably sound a bit unhinged myself if he was to tell it from his perspective sad and, sadly, that's the legacy my past has left. I don't really know how I'd ever be any different.

This thread is not accepting new messages.