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Attraction - usually mutual, or not?

(21 Posts)
munki Sun 03-Aug-14 22:47:16

Just a straw poll. Have been overwhelmingly attracted to someone since the moment I met him ten years ago, probably more so than anyone else I've ever met. Circumstances (both in long term relationships) mean I've never acted on it, been trying to do the right thing and make my marriage work plus am not the type to knowingly break someone else's up either but both marriages have finally broken down.

I'm just pondering whether it's possible to feel incredibly bowled-over by someone and them not to feel anything for you? Probably not going to act on it in any case because a relationship is the last thing I want now - and I value his friendship too much - but I do find myself mooning over this guy like a lovesick teenager!

newnamesamegame Sun 03-Aug-14 23:19:52

It is definitely possible to feel bowled over by someone and the feeling not to be reciprocated... If you are into someone you subconsciously read signals as pointing towards there being mutual attraction when it may just be warmth or politeness or friendship.

If you feel that there is a genuine shared bond, an increasing closeness etc you may be barking up the right tree -- you don't really say how well you know this person and what they are like with you. I think when a genuine bond is developing there are some signs. But I would be careful of assuming that just because you have a grand passion for someone they must feel the same.

Wrapdress Sun 03-Aug-14 23:31:21

Attraction can absolutely be one-directional (and I would even say attraction is one-sided in most cases).

But did this guy do or say anything that indicated he is attracted to you, too?

Lweji Sun 03-Aug-14 23:56:44

I think it's definitely possible to be one way. I've been hit on by people I couldn't bear to be with and have been attracted to people that probably don't notice me that way (I wouldn't know for sure because I haven't tried it on, but they don't give signs).

Dirtybadger Mon 04-Aug-14 00:19:11

Yes, it is possible that people who "bowl you over" aren't interested at all damn it

munki Mon 04-Aug-14 08:06:34

Ok, that's pretty unanimous then! There have been some lingering looks over the years, but tbh I'm not sure this man doesn't do that to everyone. Thanks, you've saved me from making a twat of myself, I was starting to get all ridiculous and teenage and creating a fantasy where he's been secretly passionately in love with me all this time!

Thumbwitch Mon 04-Aug-14 08:10:11

Definitely agree it's possible for you to be arse over tip about someone and them not to even realise!

newnamesamegame Mon 04-Aug-14 08:10:44

OP no-one is saying he's definitely not into you... just that you shouldn't assume that because you feel it then it must be reciprocated. Just proceed with caution.

Yup, loads of people feel hugely attracted to other people who are siimply not romantically/sexually interested in them. It's tiresome, but it happens all the time. And it's pretty grim to be on the other end of, as well, particularly if the person who is attracted to you is a pleasant person and a member of your social circle who you like but have no sexual interest in.

Lovingfreedom Mon 04-Aug-14 09:47:40

I think you can quite often tell that there is a shared attraction. However, even when this is the case it doesn't mean that the other person necessarily wants to take it any further than just a mutual appreciation.

AlleyCat11 Mon 04-Aug-14 09:51:05

Unrequited love. It's not just for teenagers & Morrissey.

Reese123 Thu 07-Aug-14 21:37:35

Definitely, you can think the chemistry is there and be so wrong about it.

beaglesaresweet Fri 08-Aug-14 00:38:46

agree with everyone who says that attraction is often one-sided, but how CAN you tell when a guy is attracted (meaning it's much harder to tell when you are attracted to him and do the wishful thinking)?

Dirtybadger Fri 08-Aug-14 00:52:04

Ask. My "damn it" was in the firm knowledge a few people I've taken a shine to haven't felt the same. I asked. They politely rejected me. Life went on. We are still friends. If I'd left it in the back of my mind guessing I might still be hung up on them. Knowing someone doesn't like you "like that" helps you move on quickly. These are good ish friends, too.

The only down side to the above method is that for a bit it might be awkward. I actually didn't feel awkward but I think they felt guilty (as someone above said they like me just not sexually).

I have no idea how you tell, otherwise. Surely you have to ask eventually? I have a 0% success rate, though, so I don't know if taking my advice is wise!

Floop Fri 08-Aug-14 01:03:07

Absolutely possible. I lost years to it sad.

itsbetterthanabox Fri 08-Aug-14 01:36:34

Oh yes it's definitely possible. It's the curse of us bisexual/gay women who occasionally have a major crush on a straight friend blush

RuncibleSpoonandaRing Fri 08-Aug-14 09:56:05

I think I've only ever once fancied a man who didn't return it, and I'm not exactly Keira Knightley. (Except for the early teenage years.) Either that or I'm steamrollering them into dating me...

SnotandBothered Sat 09-Aug-14 23:39:48

Hmmm I'm going to buck the trend a bit here.

Of course you can fancy someone and it is unrequited, but in my experience someone has to sending out some kind of signal for there to be that electric chemistry thing

I've fancied a couple of people test didn't fancy me, but I've never been friends with or dated anyone where I had that overwhelming attraction and found out it was one sided. Perhaps it's because I need the encouragement of someone holding my gaze a little too long/engaging in flirty banter etc BEFORE I fall in lust, not sure shock

CKOneILoveIt Sat 09-Aug-14 23:45:17

I think if I fancy somebody I sort of know instinctively whether it's reciprocated or not. But saying that, people can be attracted to you and decide not to act on it for so many reasons. I know I have been attracted to people and decided not to go there.

CKOneILoveIt Sat 09-Aug-14 23:46:45

Here's a tip, and it worked for me. I really wanted to know if somebody liked me like that or not and his eyebrows flash upwards whenever he sees me. Watch out for that. Just a brief swift eyebrow lift.

savemefromrickets Sun 10-Aug-14 23:21:18

It's totally possible for feelings not to be reciprocated as the arse who emailed me this week to tell me he's been thinking of me inappropriately and ask me to text what I'd like to do to him sexually found out.

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