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AIBU re MIL

(68 Posts)
Fall78 Fri 01-Aug-14 15:02:45

Ok will try to keep this short. I getting married next week and the past four weeks have been difficult for my STBH and myself re: his stag do (got a private dance kept it secret I found out on my hen was devestated just had a baby 4 weeks previous to the stag emcs)

Anyway I get a lot of childcare help from my mum and dad very very close. I don't get on with his mum for numerous reasons. From we got engaged she has complained about everything demanded I had his sister as a bridesmaid despite have 4 sisters of my own. When I found out I was pregnant after going engaged for two years she asked ME and only me 'why weren't you on the pill'.

Throughout my pregnancy none of his family text or rang to see how I was instead his older sister left bitchy comments on my fbook page that resulted in the whole family deleting me. Now this was because I thanked my parents in a status for helping us with our house move. She wanted to know why they weren't thanked...even though they didn't help us move!!!!

So I seen the family maybe 5 times in my pregnancy they don't call to our house. Then I or grief for not calling to see his mum more even though I was heavily pregnant and working sometimes 60 hour weeks.

Then my friebds threw me a surprise baby shower two weeks before due date and didn't invite his family (they don't know them) that caused me to move out heavily pregnant as OH was livid as his mum was 'heartbroke'

Didn't hear or see her until baby was born first night at hospital
She was fine. Second night she came up effed and blinded because my family and friends were there and she felt she should be having alone time so she left. She then came up to the house the day after we got out but stormed out because my sister was there too.

I had just had an ecs my family were helping. They never once offered to help out.

So again that behaviour brushed under the carpet...fast forward to my hen night. She blanked me, started on my sister (chief bridesmaid)asked why there was nothing about my OHs family on the wee cards shed made up my sister told her 'this is falls night not OHs he's had his stag. Then she started on my friebds called them poisonous and thoughtless bitches for not inviting her to the baby shower had them in tears. Then the older sister attacked my best friend after it came out about the private dance and we were annoyed at her brother so she decided to lash out?!?!

Two weeks ago the mum told us she wasn't giving what she had said towards the wedding. Then last week we called in with the baby she refused to speak to me because 'I won't leave the baby to be minded by her' so I walked out. She is still going on about minding the baby alone he is 12weeks and she's seen him 8/9 times.

Apart from the above my other reasons why I won't leave the baby with her are:
The house is filthy
She has three dogs which she refuses to put out while I am there although I am allergic
She fosters a special needs child who can be quiet volatile.
Oh and she hates me!!!

Am I wrong after another argument today with OH I'm at my wit send

JassyRadlett Fri 01-Aug-14 15:09:03

Why isn't youur OH standing up to her?

hamptoncourt Fri 01-Aug-14 15:09:37

I advise you NOT to marry this man unless you are 100% sure he will prioritise you over his mummy.

It sounds like he is siding with her, to the extent that you had to move out heavily pregnant?

I wouldn't marry him unless he accepted that I would have nothing more to do with his family. You know they are toxic but you keep going back for more and more abuse...............

CleanLinesSharpEdges Fri 01-Aug-14 15:11:19

Why are you marrying this man? Why are you marrying into this family?

Fall78 Fri 01-Aug-14 15:18:58

God I know I sound so weak but I don't want his mum to 'win' and for is to break up but I know you are all right

Wishfulmakeupping Fri 01-Aug-14 15:20:08

They sound just awful your oh should be standing up for you- you do not have to accept their behaviour OP

CarryOnDancing Fri 01-Aug-14 15:29:18

I'm not sure what you are asking?

Are you unreasonable to be annoyed at his MIL? It's honestly hard to tell from your post. I think you need to establish what the main issue is and how much you want it to effect your relationship with your OH and then work from there.

I remember your previous post when you found out about the lap dance. Have you decided to move on from this then and put it behind you or could the upset of this be part of the current issue?

Meerka Fri 01-Aug-14 15:30:46

Winning in this case isnt about winning over her and a man who is under her thumb. Winning is about keeping your own life and that of yoru baby hassle-free, safe and good.

Have you actually talked to your OH about what's going on calmly? literaly sitting down and talking it out can help rather than talking in passing. Asking him to stand up for you and see the problems rather than just taking her side.

If he agrees, then he needs to follow that up with action. if he doesn't agree or if he agrees but won't actually do anything, then consider whether you really want to marry him because you'll be marrying his mother and her awful behaviour as well. It'll be a marriage of three.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 01-Aug-14 15:31:26

Your issue here is your DH and that he's not standing up for you and is siding with his Mummy! Why on earth does he think her behaviour is ok? Unacceptable.

Fall78 Fri 01-Aug-14 15:32:43

Am I being unreasonable not letting her mind the baby?

I've tried but if I don't give the answer he wants he refuses to talk about it

Namechangearoonie123 Fri 01-Aug-14 15:33:20

If she is exactly like you've said you should never see her again.

Also if she's as volatile and aggressive as you state then you need to call SS as she shouldn't be fostering.

sonjadog Fri 01-Aug-14 15:40:16

You are not being unreasonable to not let her mind the baby. Keep this woman at a distance.

I would also rethink marrying your partner until the time he can stand up to his mother and be a proper partner for you. Otherwise you have many difficult years ahead of you.

lucidlady Fri 01-Aug-14 15:42:31

I really don't think you should marry him until he shows you that you and your child come first.

Nanny0gg Fri 01-Aug-14 15:44:28

There are a number of red flags here and his mother is only some of them.

I think you need a big think before this marriage goes any further.

Meerka Fri 01-Aug-14 15:48:18

No you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

Very few women woudl give their 12 week old to a woman they don't like to mind.

perosnally I don't give my baby (also 12 weeks old) to my MIL and I trust her to the hilt and love her. She doesn't push for it either, she's too sensible even though I can see she really would like to.

I've tried but if I don't give the answer he wants he refuses to talk about it

Im afraid this is a very bad sign, fall78. The future looks bleak not only because of your MIL but because a man who blanks you when he doesn't hear what he wants is someone who you can't have a real partnership with. He wants things his way and isn't willing to do what it takes to really be partners.

hamptoncourt Fri 01-Aug-14 15:50:44

Who gives a shit if she thinks she has "won?"

You are a mother now and you need to be a bit more mature in your thinking.

If you want a lifetime of this shit then go ahead and marry him, claim your "prize."

kentishgirl Fri 01-Aug-14 16:05:01

'God I know I sound so weak but I don't want his mum to 'win' and for is to break up but I know you are all right'

It's actually nothing to do with his mum, whatever happens. She has no control over you. She can't 'win' anything, as there is no competition here.

What is happening is that you need to sit down and think very hard about whether your DP will make a good husband, whether you will be happy married to him. Because of the person he is (not his mother). If he is someone who lets other people - whoever they are - bully you, be rude to you, try to dominate what happens with the baby, wants to cave to someone who can't look after your baby safely (dirt, unrestrained dogs, difficult other child) when they demand to 'mind' the baby when the baby doesn't need minding, refuses to talk about your problems - is he going to be a good husband?

Fall78 Fri 01-Aug-14 16:33:49

Thank you all for the advice.

I do feel like I am getting on like an 18 year old rather than a 28 year old woman. Because we've been together so long his family I think look at us as being kids. I know it's not Bout winning...what I meant is the thought of me having to hand him over and he will go straight to her when in the care of his father makes me physically sick with worry.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 01-Aug-14 16:42:59

I've tried but if I don't give the answer he wants he refuses to talk about it

This is bad, very bad. So he doesn't give a shit about what you think, only his opinions matter.

It's not a good basis for a relationship.

Fooshufflewickbannanapants Fri 01-Aug-14 17:23:54

Do NOT marry this guy, you had to move out when you were heavily pregnant! He should be standing up for you not only listening when you say what he wants! You have a chance now to walk away, you will not change him or his family and I'm afraid it will get worse not better.

muffliato Fri 01-Aug-14 17:29:25

Just because you get married does not mean he will suddenly step up and support you.
I would think long and hard before I married into this family.

It's not about her winning your relationship is not a game. And if you think like this you are going to have a constant battle of wills .
You and dp need to install boundaries.

And fwiw I would not leave my 12 weeks old baby with someone I didn't trust or like.

diddl Fri 01-Aug-14 17:31:04

"that caused me to move out heavily pregnant as OH was livid as his mum was 'heartbroke' "

shock

Didn't get passed that or to the point of the iabu.

The whole family sounds awful-future husband included.

Quitelikely Fri 01-Aug-14 19:29:30

I know you don't like the woman but I bet she loves your ds to bits. A bit of muck doesn't hurt anyone and I doubt she would let anything bad happen to your dc.

You should encourage your dc to foster lovely happy relationships with those who love them. It is an excellent benefit to their well being. Your problems with her are separate IMO.

Vivacia Fri 01-Aug-14 19:45:59

OP even if you marry him, he is just as likely to take the baby 'round to her house. I can see what you mean about her winning, but the alternative is that you make bad choices just so she doesn't. That is still not a winning position for you sad

rosepetalsoup Fri 01-Aug-14 19:52:16

She sounds grim! If your marriage is to work, you will have to wrestle your DH out of her pincer-like grip.

Someone I know had a similar but less bad situation and solved it by moving an hour away from the in-laws. They're such local people they now never visit.

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